Are most lifelong problems due to our relationship with our mother?

Gary O' said:

Are most lifelong problems due to our relationship with our mother?​


Whatever the case
Mother, father, circumstance
It is our choice in what we make lifelong
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Basically I agree. Yet if you had especially useless mismatched selfish parents who never should have procreated, it means an uphill struggle to be normal and a good parent yourself. This no doubt keeps the therapists in business.
 

Rose65 said:
Basically I agree. Yet if you had especially useless mismatched selfish parents who never should have procreated, it means an uphill struggle to be normal and a good parent yourself. This no doubt keeps the therapists in business.
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Sure, a lot depends on the individual to pull his/her life together, however, extenuating circumstances beyond individual control can make life hard and unrewarding that may lead to mental illness and depression.
From the beginning of life the odds of having a well-rounded life and a circle of friends who compliment a well-rounded life are nil and instead of well-rounded friends you get a circle of friends just like yourself and there you have it life in a nutshell
 

My mom was the kind of person people either loved or loathed. She was the smartest woman I will ever meet. She never backed down, but she was usually right with whatever the argument was. She was a CPA and was recruited at 70 by the county DA to work as a tax investigator on a project. She was amazing, but when we were kids, her and my dad were preoccupied with trying to pretend they didn't have kids. They weren't cruel or mean, just emotionally unavailable because they were living their life to the fullest and left us with a nanny and then school. I think it was when we started having kids that she realized how much she missed out on and became super grandmom and my hero.
 
My mother did things I could never forgive her for. It was always me, me. me what would people think about me?
She was always seeking assurance that she was doing the right thing and could never see other people's point of view. In later years I came to see that she was terribly insecure and probably thought that life had dealt her a bad hand. I was determined that I would never be like my parents.

As Philip Larkin wrote...
They ***k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
 
If your name is Mr. Freud, then yes.

Shall we dish on fathers and siblings next? Read John Bradshaw and how he talks about the whole family, everyone in it and how they influence one another.

Then read some James Baldwin and find out what it's like to be a highly marginalized minority in 1960s and 1970s New York City.

Then read our threads here about all the kids who got beaten in school, often beaten in the name of God.

ALL of these inputs on people as they grow up and become adults, and you want to blame MOM alone?
 
VintageBetter said:
If your name is Mr. Freud, then yes.

Shall we dish on fathers and siblings next? Read John Bradshaw and how he talks about the whole family, everyone in it and how they influence one another.

Then read some James Baldwin and find out what it's like to be a highly marginalized minority in 1960s and 1970s New York City.

Then read our threads here about all the kids who got beaten in school, often beaten in the name of God.

ALL of these inputs on people as they grow up and become adults, and you want to blame MOM alone?
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Well, mother's give birth to you. They are the most crucial, in my view.
 
MountainRa said:
I had, and still have, a wonderful mom. These days, I am more the mom and she is more the child.
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I don't know if your mum is now disabled, and you have been put into the parental, caring role.. but even if she isn't it seems to be the case that roles reverse as we age. I hate that idea... Even now my daughter talks to me like she's my mother..... I have to pull her up on it every now and then
 
Rose65 said:
I'm afraid my father was bad enough, but my mother was worse. Their combination was an unfortunate one and they ended up hating each other.
It took me a long time to realise how manipulative she was. I did not have a happy childhood and my mother's controlling behaviour continued. She was unpleasant and demanding towards everyone but masked it as being caring. In fact she was intrusive, self-centred, critical and unlovable.

My sister and I became increasingly hostile to each other and still don't communicate except where absolutely necessary. We do not wish to remember our childhood. We were close during childhood, helping each other to survive. In later years we began avoiding each other.

I'm glad for those who have good parents, it's a blessing indeed.
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Did we have the same mother??? Yes, manipulative and domineering was who she was and that's why I married the first guy that came along. I was 19 and very naive. I knew nothing about life and my parents, especially my mother, was critical of everything I did...good or bad.

When she died, my relatives (her sisters and their families) had no idea how miserable she was and how she treated my father and me. The face she put on outside our home was not what it really was. I still struggle with the hurtful things she said to me.
 
Colleen said:
Did we have the same mother??? Yes, manipulative and domineering was who she was and that's why I married the first guy that came along. I was 19 and very naive. I knew nothing about life and my parents, especially my mother, was critical of everything I did...good or bad.

When she died, my relatives (her sisters and their families) had no idea how miserable she was and how she treated my father and me. The face she put on outside our home was not what it really was. I still struggle with the hurtful things she said to me.
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Me too, I married the first man who I went out with, fortunately it all worked out happily. I just couldn't wait to leave home and I never went back. She was amazed that I had a happy marriage whereas hers was miserable. So of course she never approved, but I didn't care.
 
Psychiatrists say our same sex parent is the strongest influence on us, so that would be my mom. Smart, socially active, extremely energetic, great cook, made all my beautiful clothes, saw to all my health needs, taught me to mind adults and act like a lady. On the other hand. Liked my brother best and didn't hide it, spanked me almost every day. I always believed she loved me, but thought she didn't always like me, and that she was very disappointed in me.
VaughanJB said:
The thing to remember about such things is that a battle with my sister unsettled the entire family. We all had to live it. Kids do, and that's vital to remember and take into account - which my parents never did. If you have siblings, and they're acting out in some way and causing waves, you have to remember that the ripples from that affect the entire family, even if only indirect
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That is so true, Vaughan. I remember hearing my father and oldest brother arguing and then the sound of my father hitting him. It made me feel like we were all unsafe, if our own father could turn on one of us like that.
 
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My mom was over-protective since I was, for all practical purposes, an only child. I couldn't make any decision without consulting her, even up until her passing when I was 54. I bought the car I have now without asking her advice and she didn't speak to me for a week. She left me an adult in age but a child in coping strategies and street-smarts.
 
debodun said:
My mom was over-protective since I was, for all practical purposes, an only child. I couldn't make any decision without consulting her, even up until her passing when I was 54. I bought the car I have now without asking her advice and she didn't speak to me for a week. She left me an adult in age but a child in coping strategies and street-smarts.
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that's very sad, but fantastic that you recognise it.

My daughter is an only child.. and I raised her to be very confident and independent from a young age. Sometimes I think I did too good a job
 
Absolutely. My mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. It was the therapist I went to that told me my mother was a borderline after I told her about a particularly psychological abusive episode of hers. She was literally scream raging at me that I existed to kill her. I was probably about 9 or 10. How the fk did she live to 90 then?

I can say without doubt my childhood ruined my life. And no, it doesn't always get better.
 
@Rose65 Years ago, my oldest brother, by 11+ years told me our parents were a "volatile pairing" He was right. They got to get rid of each other, but my other brother and me got stuck and damaged for years.

When my mother married my stepfather when I was 6, that brother had just turned 18 a few months prior and was out. He was exposed to stuff but he didn't have to live it like I did. I don't think he ever knew the full impact and I haven't spoken to him since I was 24.
 
Remy said:
@Rose65 Years ago, my oldest brother, by 11+ years told me our parents were a "volatile pairing" He was right. They got to get rid of each other, but my other brother and me got stuck and damaged for years.

When my mother married my stepfather when I was 6, that brother had just turned 18 a few months prior and was out. He was exposed to stuff but he didn't have to live it like I did. I don't think he ever knew the full impact and I haven't spoken to him since I was 24.
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That's awful. Yes, hardest for younger kids left in a relentlessly miserable household. It can mean siblings turn on each other because all that pain is stored.

Maybe it's possible you might talk to your brother one day and explain how it was for you. However, it's absolutely your decision and it may by now be impossible. I can not only imagine but I know how you must feel. Similar things happened in our family. Bad marriages spread ripple effects that gain power over years until everyone is left damaged.
 
Remy said:
Absolutely. My mother was an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. It was the therapist I went to that told me my mother was a borderline after I told her about a particularly psychological abusive episode of hers. She was literally scream raging at me that I existed to kill her. I was probably about 9 or 10. How the fk did she live to 90 then?

I can say without doubt my childhood ruined my life. And no, it doesn't always get better.
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I too find that the worst people often live longest. Annoyingly.
 


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