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5 Differences Between Retirement Homes & Long Term Care Homes

  1. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
    Keesha, if their health is so poor, how do they get their alcohol? Does one of them still drive? If they went into a treatment home, would the home restrict their access to alcohol? I am pretty certain that a nursing home would do so.



    I have dealt with alcoholics, and I believe there is just a point where you simply have to let go and let them self-destruct if they are going to. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
    Yes, apparently both my parents still have their licence to drive. They’ve both had mini strokes but my father said his doctor only suggested that he doesn’t drive. I know my FIL had a mini stroke this year and his licence was completely revoked for a few months and he had to be retested to get it back and passed successfully. He was happy that he wasn’t asked to parallel park. Lol. My father could possibly be lying.


    So yes my father manages to drive himself into town, go grocery shopping , purchase the groceries they require yet can’t put their garbage out. They basically just do want they want now. When I first connected with them two years ago there were over 30 bags of garbage in their basement. Without going into details , it was really disgusting but basically they just stopped throwing it out and perhaps just adapted to the smell. The smell of their house is something I’ve been working on since I first reconnected with them because I have to go there too.


    If they go into a retirement home voluntarily, then they would have their own facility and be able to drink and would most likely get evicted because with this type of retirement living , they can be evicted. With Long Term Care retirement living, they don’t get their own room. In fact, they aren’t even allowed to live together since it is gender divided. They would be sharing rooms with others but would have full medical services 24/7 fully paid for by our government. This type of facility they would NOT be able to drink like they do nor can they be evicted from the facility. It’s illegal to do so.


    This is why this type of retirement living would suite them best and it allows them to stay in their home the maximum amount of time which was their ultimate wish which makes my brother and I very relieved. And yes they definitely ARE going to self destruct and it’s heart breaking to witness but there’s only so much we can do. My brother isn’t anywhere near as emotional as I am. When he goes there he treats them and the role like a job. There’s not a lot of interaction between them but he gets what he needs to get done and leaves. I’m actually learning from my brother because I’m finding this approach VERY helpful while dealing with them otherwise I’d be a total basket case.

  2. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keesha View Post
    Yes, apparently both my parents still have their licence to drive. Theyíve both had mini strokes but my father said his doctor only suggested that he doesnít drive. I know my FIL had a mini stroke this year and his licence was completely revoked for a few months and he had to be retested to get it back and passed successfully. He was happy that he wasnít asked to parallel park. Lol. My father could possibly be lying.


    So yes my father manages to drive himself into town, go grocery shopping , purchase the groceries they require yet canít put their garbage out. They basically just do want they want now. When I first connected with them two years ago there were over 30 bags of garbage in their basement. Without going into details , it was really disgusting but basically they just stopped throwing it out and perhaps just adapted to the smell. The smell of their house is something Iíve been working on since I first reconnected with them because I have to go there too.

    If they go into a retirement home voluntarily, then they would have their own facility and be able to drink and would most likely get evicted because with this type of retirement living , they can be evicted. With Long Term Care retirement living, they donít get their own room. In fact, they arenít even allowed to live together since it is gender divided. They would be sharing rooms with others but would have full medical services 24/7 fully paid for by our government. This type of facility they would NOT be able to drink like they do nor can they be evicted from the facility. Itís illegal to do so

    This is why this type of retirement living would suite them best and it allows them to stay in their home the maximum amount of time which was their ultimate wish which makes my brother and I very relieved. And yes they definitely ARE going to self destruct and itís heart breaking to witness but thereís only so much we can do. My brother isnít anywhere near as emotional as I am. When he goes there he treats them and the role like a job. Thereís not a lot of interaction between them but he gets what he needs to get done and leaves. Iím actually learning from my brother because Iím finding this approach VERY helpful while dealing with them otherwise Iíd be a total basket case.

    What a difficult situation this is, Keesha. May you find a way to help them while keeping their problems from infecting you and causing you a lot of heartache.
    ďThe world needs a sense of worth, and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile.Ē - Fred Rogers

  3. #18
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    Thank you Starsong. It’s going to be a challenge for sure.

  4. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keesha View Post
    The alcoholism is something I’m very concerned about. They drink an incredible amount; 5 or 6 ( 26 ounce bottles of brandy ),
    a bottle of scotch , a few ( 3 litre ) boxes of wine, and about 30 or 40 tall imported beers in a months time. It seem like an awful lot to me and they fight and get nasty with each other at times and even though they are used to it, others aren’t.
    I feel for you Keesha, and your parents, and the caregivers but I agree to leave the decisions up to the professionals and then your parents can't blame you for anything.

    I can't imagine that their liver and kidneys aren't already damaged at this point not to mention all of the other negative health affects of alcoholism, some life threatening. I can't see that alcoholics would be welcomed into a retirement community of any sort, especially with anger and loud yelling issues when drunk.

    And I can't imagine the difficulty of going through withdrawal symptoms at their age. Government assisted long-term care is probably what the professionals will recommend. You and all involved are in my prayers.

  5. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarSong View Post
    I second this, CM. I've had to sort out Medicare bills for my mom and in-laws that they couldn't manage themselves. One bill was over $47,000 dollars and my FIL was prepared to pay it until I stepped in. It took months of diligent follow-up and hounding to get the error fixed.

    Without a diagnosis that falls in a fairly narrow framework, Assisted Living is not covered by LTC Insurance. Nursing homes and SNFs, generally yes. ALs, generally no.

    Your in-laws are fortunate to have you and your husband taking this on for them. The sentence I bolded in your quote is the ever-loving truth.
    Thanks. I often hear people stating that they are "secure" because they have paid expensive premiums for Long Term Care insurance and I wonder if they have any idea of the red tape that awaits. Seems to me that people who need the LTC are the very ones who will not be able to handle all the challenges to their coverage, so they likely will need an advocate.

    "Get off my lawn."
    -- Walt Kowalkski

  6. #21
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    I’m quickly learning not to involve my parents in more things than need be.
    For weeks now I’ve been trying to keep my father posted on things but I’m learning that the less options he has to choose from the better he is to deal with. Dealing with some forgetfulness along with OCD is tough.

    Another mistake I’ve made is making how much they drink my business. It’s not. When the time comes when they need to move, the people in charge will deal with that because it’s not my concern.

    Learning how to communicate seems to be key and at times I mess up BUT I’m learning.

  7. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keesha View Post
    When the time comes when they need to move, the people in charge will deal with that because it’s not my concern.
    Given what little I know of you, Keesha, I'm fairly confident that if your get kicked out of a facility you are highly unlikely to turn your back on them, so it will become your concern. You might not be able to control their drinking, but their alcoholism will likely pop up on your radar screen until they are no longer able to procure alcohol.

    All kinds of new and interesting challenges crop up when people with cognitive losses get help, whether that comes in the form of visiting caregivers or facility living. You'd be stunned at how many people confusedly pick up and wear someone else's dentures, money (that may or may not have actually existed) gets reported missing, formerly mild-mannered men develop aggressively roving hands, your parents' jacket gets picked up by someone else in the dining room (and unless you point it out neither resident realizes who originally owned that garment), some will argue over twenty-five cent bingo like it's Blackbeard's treasure, and so forth.

    As long as your parents don't indulge in deal-breakers, they and you should be ok. I think you're wise to do most of the decision making on their behalf. Do you have medical and legal power of attorney?

    Parents in ALs or SNFs can be a wild (and occasionally hilarious) ride. I won't bore you with stories of my experiences with parents in those types of facilities, but trust me that a good sense of humor on your part will be a necessity.
    ďThe world needs a sense of worth, and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile.Ē - Fred Rogers

  8. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by C'est Moi View Post
    Thanks. I often hear people stating that they are "secure" because they have paid expensive premiums for Long Term Care insurance and I wonder if they have any idea of the red tape that awaits. Seems to me that people who need the LTC are the very ones who will not be able to handle all the challenges to their coverage, so they likely will need an advocate.
    When you think about it - some of us will get to the point that we can't even write a check. LTC is for the "other" partner or those with the responsibility for the elderly person.

    We are thinking of the "next step". There is the CCRC approach where you put a lot up front and keep a lot in reserve. We are going a different route - LTC. I sure it works out.

  9. #24
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    Keesha, you will be in my thoughts during this time. You're entering a damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don't situation. My only advice would be to keep them in their home as long as you can. Trying to get good home care, though, is not easy.

    You're right that an AL will kick them out as soon as they start causing trouble. Unfortunately, SNF's also have their own sneaky ways to get rid of "problem" patients. The Spousal Equivalent's mom developed dementia on the third day she was in the SNF and they were making strong noises that we'd have to move her to another facility that had a "memory unit". She died only days later.
    If we're ever in a situation where I am "the voice of reason", then we are in a very, very bad situation.

  10. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by ray188 View Post
    When you think about it - some of us will get to the point that we can't even write a check. LTC is for the "other" partner or those with the responsibility for the elderly person.

    We are thinking of the "next step". There is the CCRC approach where you put a lot up front and keep a lot in reserve. We are going a different route - LTC. I sure it works out.
    From what I have read of "CCRCs", the upfront costs are $100,000 to $1 million. Uhhhh, I don't think so.

    "Get off my lawn."
    -- Walt Kowalkski

  11. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by C'est Moi View Post
    From what I have read of "CCRCs", the upfront costs are $100,000 to $1 million. Uhhhh, I don't think so.
    Yes, there is a big up-front const plus a "reserve" requirement. But, they cover youfor, should you need them, long term care including memory (that can be very expensive). LTC to cover that is also expensive.

    A poster I recently saw applies - "I hope to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers".

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