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The jokes only thread....

  1. #106
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
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    13,505

    A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has
    been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"


    The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the
    plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.


    As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.


    Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.


    As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a
    question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"


    She answered, "The teeth."
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  2. #107
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    East Anglia
    Posts
    120
    I went to a local kleptomaniacs self-help meeting last night.

    ...I had to stand,as all the seats had been taken...

  3. #108
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
    Posts
    13,505
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  4. #109
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
    Posts
    13,505
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  5. #110
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,783
    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer



    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
    They reply:

    “Yes.”
    “Oui.”
    “Sí.”
    “Ja.”


  6. #111
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
    Posts
    13,505
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  7. #112
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,783
    A married couple are driving down the
    highway, going 55 mph when the wife looks
    over at her husband and tells him she
    wants a divorce.
    He says nothing, but speeds up to 60 mph.
    Since he is taking the news so well, she
    decides to tell him that she has been
    having an affair with his best friend,
    saying “he’s a better lover than you.”
    He speeds up to 70 mph.
    “I want the house as well.”
    75 mph.
    “I’m taking the kids.”
    80 mph.
    “I want the bank account, and all the credit cards};
    85 mph.
    “You’re taking this so well” she
    exclaimsl “Isn”i there anything you want?”
    “I’ve got all I need” he replies.
    “What’s that?”

    “The airbag. “

  8. #113
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    East Anglia
    Posts
    120
    A duck walks into a bar...

    "Got any bread?'

    ''No"

    "Got any bread?"

    "NO"

    "Got any bread?"

    "NO! I've got a shotgun behind this bar,so F*CK OFF!"

    a week passes...

    A duck walks into a bar...

    "Got any cartridges?"

    "No"

    "Good...got any bread?"

  9. #114
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
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    13,505
    A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree. " With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall. "
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  10. #115
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,783
    Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named Alfred
    With two huge camel humps.

    He fell in love and married a beautiful
    Female camel named Marie, who had one perfect camel hump
    And beautiful lips.

    As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy camel,
    Born with no humps.

    They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy
    They finally decided on......
    Are you ready for this


    Humpfree !


  11. #116
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,783



    A woman visits her husband in Prison
    Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
    "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
    The officer laughs, saying:
    "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
    "Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"



  12. #117
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    31
    A wife got so mad at her husband,
    she packed his bags and told him to get out.

    As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

    He turned around and said "so, you want me to stay?"

  13. #118
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    31
    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
    "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
    "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
    Saint Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates."
    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "These are Carol's."

  14. #119
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    NYS and Florida winters
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    13,505
    If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

  15. #120
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,783


    Four catholic ladies are discussing their sons.

    The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

    The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

    The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

    The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

    She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God


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