Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 16 to 30 of 33

What would you do?

  1. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,942
    If only we could be so black and white about it. But that's not life. No life is perfect, and we just have to learn in the best way how do deal with it. Easy to say just forget it when you're not personally involved.
    Sing, sing a song. Make it simple to last your whole life long - The Carpenters

  2. #17
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    902
    I think you already know the answer to your question. If your loyalty lies with your daughter, and I’m sure it does, why would you want to be around people that continue to berate or even cast a dark light on your daughter. Sometimes, we have to make tough choices in life.

    I’m guessing that you would like to keep some kind of contact with your deceased husband’s family, but at what cost? Why not take a break and stay away from a few family functions? If that doesn’t send a message or they can’t figure it out, then explain it to them, but talk slow.
    "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m."

  3. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    Ohio USA
    Posts
    7,812
    Quote Originally Posted by Olivia View Post
    If only we could be so black and white about it. But that's not life. No life is perfect, and we just have to learn in the best way how do deal with it. Easy to say just forget it when you're not personally involved.

    I don't think anyone is saying life is easy or perfect or simple. True, we're not personally involved, but she presented a problem and ends her post by asking "What would you do?" People have answered.

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,942
    Quote Originally Posted by applecruncher View Post
    I don't think anyone is saying life is easy or perfect or simple. True, we're not personally involved, but she presented a problem and ends her post by asking "What would you do?" People have answered.
    My bad, I was answering to the following. I was only relating to myself that it was somewhat like my mom who went through it. Now that you made me have to say it, when my dad had to go off to Korea, he made my Japanese family's dad made my mom's hell and and we had to go off and live with friends. It all got mostly all right in the end, but it's LIFE! Get over it.
    Sing, sing a song. Make it simple to last your whole life long - The Carpenters

  5. #20
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    2,793
    These kinda threads always cause me to ask myself what I’d do

    Mainly due to this;

    Quote Originally Posted by debbie in seattle View Post
    What would you do?
    However
    Some cause me to think ‘why would I?’

    This is wunna them

    Why would I continue with incorrigible inlaws of my deceased mate?
    Reminisce about the good times? Really?

    Sure, attend the memorial of your husband
    Maybe even say some things…about him

    Then…fffffft, gone

    They no longer exist, either

    No bantering
    No drama
    No more ill feelings
    No feelings at all
    Life is just too short
    So, get on with it, not theirs
    “Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    34,676
    Quote Originally Posted by debbie in seattle View Post
    A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

    What would you do?
    That's a tough one Debbie. Do you enjoy interacting with all the other members of his family aside from the sisters? If you really don't enjoy being around the rest of him family too, then I'd just stop going to these affairs. The one sister in law sounds really offensive to me, it would be hard for me not to put her in her place, but there might be an awkward public scene especially if the three sisters all became defensive and hostile at once against you.

    Is there anyone in the family that knows the things they say to you about your daughter? Would anyone take your side if there was an argument going on at their 'compound'? It's hard for me to offer advice, I guess if it were me, and I didn't care very much for the others there, I would just stop seeing them....but it is better if family members know the reason behind it.

    I feel for you, if it was a memorial service for my deceased husband, I would want it to be positive and comforting, not nasty and confrontational. Also, if they were saying my daughter was not welcome, I wouldn't want to be there either. Does the rest of his family welcome your daughter? If it's just these sisters only, I'd try to ignore them, but you have to do what you feel is best for yourself and your happiness, your husband would want it that way. Weigh the pros and cons, and follow your heart.

  7. #22
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    Houston, Tx.
    Posts
    2,359
    Quote Originally Posted by Falcon View Post
    She doesn't deserve YOU taking the higher road. Tell her to shut her freakin' mouth !
    I second this!

  8. #23
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    9,653
    Particularly cruel in my view debbie, given the fact you were attending a memorial service after the recent loss of your husband, you’d think the family would be falling over themselves to look after you and make sure you were coping

    It sounds like the situation has been going on for a while so, as others have said, do you need to keep in contact with these nasty people, must they figure in your life anymore, why try to be ‘nice and kind’ to anyone who treats you so badly ?

    You don’t need or deserve it

  9. #24
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Phila.Pa
    Posts
    6,372
    If anyone even a family member said something bad about my child I would walk away and never look back. My Dad's family hated my Mother because my parents married at a young age. Even though we were never welcomed to any affair my Mother went so as not to hurt my Dad. She took a lot of abuse from them.but never wanted my Dad to lose contact with them. After my Dad passed away I never had contact with them again for what they put my Mother through. I had 7 Aunts ,1 Uncle and over 20 cousins. It's been years now that I haven't had contact with any of them and I am happy. If there is no important reason to see them I honestly would never forgive what they said about my daughter and as I said I would just walk away and not look back.I just wonder what your husband would have done if he were here.

  10. #25
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Albuquerque, New Mexico USA
    Posts
    9,227
    Quote Originally Posted by Wren View Post
    Particularly cruel in my view debbie, given the fact you were attending a memorial service after the recent loss of your husband, you’d think the family would be falling over themselves to look after you and make sure you were coping

    It sounds like the situation has been going on for a while so, as others have said, do you need to keep in contact with these nasty people, must they figure in your life anymore, why try to be ‘nice and kind’ to anyone who treats you so badly ?

    You don’t need or deserve it
    I emphatically agree -- what a lousy way for her to behave at your husband's memorial service, or at any time, for that matter. I'd tell her what I thought about it, and then walk away and leave 'em all in the dust. You don't need that kind of behavior in your life, and now that your husband is gone, you're not under any obligation to have anything to do with those people.

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Mass
    Posts
    528
    Quote Originally Posted by Gary O' View Post
    These kinda threads always cause me to ask myself what I’d do

    Mainly due to this;



    However
    Some cause me to think ‘why would I?’

    This is wunna them

    Why would I continue with incorrigible inlaws of my deceased mate?
    Reminisce about the good times? Really?

    Sure, attend the memorial of your husband
    Maybe even say some things…about him

    Then…fffffft, gone

    They no longer exist, either

    No bantering
    No drama
    No more ill feelings
    No feelings at all
    Life is just too short
    So, get on with it, not theirs
    I'm with the G man on this one, screw em! If it would make you feel better to give them a piece of your mind before walking away then by all means do. If not just walk away and forget they exist. I've been estranged from some very close family members of mine for about 20 years now and I've never felt better, so much less stress!

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    76
    Quote Originally Posted by debbie in seattle View Post
    A little background.......My oldest daughter (mid 40’s) doesn’t really like being around my deceased husbands family. This summer when we had a memorial service for him at the family compound, she showed up. My husband has a HUGE family with 3 sisters running the whole show (bitching, carrying on, spreading gossip, etc). One sis in law has decided every time she sees me, she bitches about my daughter, but always prefaces it with ‘we’ meaning the three sisters. First time I was speechless, but this bitching has continued with no stopping or cooling down. My reaction to tell her off and shut her damned mouth but I’m trying to take a higher road. It’s nonstop with the sister in law. She’s even said that my daughter is ‘not welcome’ around the family. I’ve also thought of asking her how she would feel if I said that kind of stuff about her three kids. Yea, yea, petty. I’m trying to be kind and nice to these folks, but man, this one is hard.

    What would you do?
    debbie in seattle, I feel so bad for what your husband's family is acting. Taking the "high road" won't stop the sister's potty mouth. I think you do have to tell her or any of them how you feel although in a nice way and leave her alone until she can talk to you nicely, she will learn what you will or won't tolerate from her. The family as a whole will either try hard to keep you in or they will slowly push you out in time. I wish you luck.

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    4,545
    I know what I would do. I'd put my arm around my daughter, look those 3 ugly-step-sisters square in the eye...then smile and say, "I'm Mama Bear and if anyone hurts my baby I'll eat them for lunch"
    Last edited by Lara; 12-09-2018 at 02:04 AM.

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    80
    There's a saying about how people will only treat you (or her) as poorly as you allow them. Myself, I'm too old for petty nonsense and toxic people. After the memorial was over, I simply would not be around them again. Your daughter needs to know you have her back, and you surely don't enjoy being around that negativity.
    Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth ~ Col.3:2

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    2,702
    What others have said...people will only treat you as badly as you allow. You don't need to be around them, and your daughter doesn't, either. It's past time to wipe their names off your slate. Think of the perfect cutting remark to use on them in the unfortunate event that you ever see them again. Cut them out of your live (and hers) and be done with it.
    Retired. Nowhere to go and plenty of time to get there.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Please reply to this thread with any new information or opinions.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Family & Health Forums: Pet Forums - Health Forum