Aries

You may hurt the sentiments of your family by your unwashed skivvies. If possible think twice before becoming an organ donor as your words could go against you and it may mar your family's reputation. Your creative talents will prove to be impossible to put to proper use. Guests crowd your house for a pleasant and wonderful evening, but are disappointed. Use your expertise to solve silly little matters effortlessly. Do not push your partner off a cliff; this will only make you both distant at heart. Your magnetic-outgoing personality will set off metal detectors at airports.



Taurus
Today is also a good day to follow illegal interests. Funds will slip easily through your fingers - your stars will keep the pain and embarrassment flowing. You need to spend some time with children without holding a video camera. You may fall in love with a marsupial. You may doubt the sincerity of your sweetheart, which will ruin the glory of your married life in coming days but will be kick-ass for your bachelor plans. If traveling make sure you carry the all-important elephant-bite kit.



Gemini
Expecting mothers need to stop expecting so much. Improvement in finances is uncertain. Do not behave normally with your family- as it may mar the peace. You would make major gains at work if you rifle your boss's desk. Your mastery in cat-napping will be tested. You need to concentrate your efforts to give undesired results. A day when changes might be made at the last minutes to your plans by an angry sea otter.




Cancer
Your family expects a lot from you which could drive you to homicide. Control your tendency to live for the future and to spend too much time and effort on breathing. Some of you are likely to purchase fake jewelry or a crappy home appliance. Romance suffers as mood of your cat might oscillate today. Although some opposition will arise from people who are working at a lower level, still it will be important for you to remember them when you are Supreme Leader. Today you would be full of hot air and your choice of activities will bring you losses far beyond your expectations.



Leo
Periodical breakdown may cause you some problems. Take a complete dose of meth to keep your nervous system functioning. Certain important work will come to a halt due to a weak bladder. Auspicious day for giving and receiving STDs from those you love. Someone may compliment you, but they won't really mean it. Don't promise anything till you are sure you can run away. Don't make decisions that involve wearing leather suits later in your life.




Virgo

A sparkler-filled day when most things will catch on fire. Group involvement will be entertaining but expensive- especially if you invite the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. You will be able to clear up outstanding family debts by robbing a bank. Likely to face disappointment today. You may take your partner for granted in certain case, which will lead to a contusion. Traveling will make you see terrible places and meet violently insane people.




Libra
Do not poke your nose in wife's armpit as it would invite her anger. It is better to poke your own armpit. Interfere as little as possible, otherwise it could create a gang war. You seem to know exactly what people need and want from you, but try not to let them have it. Time spent with family, children and friends will give you a migraine. Your rough attitude towards the person you love can bring a new dimension of S&M between the relationship. Health of your spouse may keep you worried - perhaps you should cut back on their arsenic pills. Listen to the advice given by others if you really want to get screwed today.


Scorpio

Take an unbalanced diet to worsen your physical health You will possess a desire to earn quick money, so go mug somebody. A perfect day to fix up something exciting and entertaining with friends, like a menage-a-trois. You'll soon have a new and a better public image if you stop showing your stamp collection to the wrong people. Unending love and support of your partner will never happen. Travel will be beneficial but expensive when you have to pay off the kidnappers.




Sagittarius
Health problems are just around the corner, therefore make sure your will is up-to-date and check to see if your nieces and nephews are still alive. You will make some extra cash today if you pick your minister's pocket. Your brother will be more ignorant of your needs than you had thought. Don't control your impulsive nature, as it may ruin your gambling streak. Silk tassels may affect your married life. Someone from your past is likely to contact you and make it a memorable day by stealing your identity.



Capricorn
You are likely to spend your time in traction. In case you are looking for ways to make a little extra money, invest in local loansharking schemes. Stressful time with family and friends. Romance in the cards but sensual feelings may develop for waterfowl, which would spoil your relationship. You will have a stressful relationship with your spouse and there might be serious discord that will last longer than it should. Stay away from gall bladders and tumors.



Aquarius
Don't ask people to do things for you - just threaten them. Think in terms of others' wants and interests, then ignore them. Avoid second cousins twice removed and dubious religious schemes. Your family members are likely to create a mountain out of your used dentures. Use your expertise to play with your wooden blocks. Your small effort could make the problem worse for all. Don't promise anything till you are sure you can lie. A day for cautious moves- stay away from downtown Detroit and Wilkes Barre, PA.



Pisces
Avoid heroin as it may worsen your illness. Sexual problems ruin your ability to think constructively. Work hard to get welfare for your family. Your actions should be dictated by lust and negative vision, not by altruism. Today your beloved would find it extremely difficult to deal with your erotic behavior. Take care of what happens around you - keep that pin in the grenade as long as possible. A spiritual leader or an elder proves a soft touch.