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Adopted Children Seeking Out Their Birth Parents, Good or Bad Idea?

  1. #16
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    Oldman, your granddaughters are beautiful and your son is to be commended.

  2. #17
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    Great story, oldman!!! As I indicated in another thread, our daughter and SIL adopted a sibling set of 3 just 10 years ago. We are so proud of our grandkids, as you should be of those lovely grandaughters!!! (And, that's a nice Thomas Kinkade in the background!!)

  3. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grumpy Ol' Man View Post
    Great story, oldman!!! As I indicated in another thread, our daughter and SIL adopted a sibling set of 3 just 10 years ago. We are so proud of our grandkids, as you should be of those lovely grandaughters!!! (And, that's a nice Thomas Kinkade in the background!!)
    Thanks to those that have mentioned my beautiful Grandchildren and the kindness of my Son. Like I said, there is a lot more to this story, as you can imagine, but I'll save it for maybe another day. My Son is a computer guru for a large corporation in Pennsylvania, so yes, although we do not believe in self-pride, we are proud of him and of his accomplishments so far in his life.

    BTW, the Kinkade portrait is an artist's proof of Lomabard Street in San Francisco, which I bought at the Kinkade Gallery in Orange County, California for my wife as an anniversary gift. I have a full picture of it at home on my other computer, but I am sure that you've seen it. Supposedly, as Kinkade tells the story, he has himself painted riding the motorcycle down the street. EDIT: I just noticed after posting that this is the same frame that I purchased the portrait with.

    Last edited by oldman; 09-06-2014 at 09:06 AM. Reason: Additional Information

  4. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by SeaBreeze View Post
    I'm not adopted, have never adopted a child or put one up for adoption. I have seen on television a lot of adopted children, usually when they are older or adults, seeking out their birth parents.

    I can't help but feel bad for the parents who opened their arms to these babies/children, and brought them into their homes, raising them as their own. I can't imagine how an adoptive parent would feel, when their child started actively searching for their birth mother. To me it would be like a slap in the face, and a bit heart-breaking.

    Now, if I was a woman who had a baby, and for some reason or another gave my child up for adoption, I don't know if I would want them hunting me down years later either, because I obviously made a decision and went on with my life, without them.

    What do you think? Should adopted children search for their birth parents once they are old enough to do so? Do you think it's being ungrateful and hurtful to the parents who took them into their loving homes, raising them as their own? Your thoughts please.
    I agree with SeaBreeze. If I had made the (I'm sure) difficult and painful decision not to keep a child years ago, I'm not sure I would want it raked all up again after all the years. AND, if I somehow found out that my mother (whom I loved dearly and still miss every day) was not my biological birth mother, I would not have sought out the birth mother. A "real" mother is so much more than just giving birth. Giving birth is a biological act -- being a "real mother" is an affair of the heart and soul.

  5. #20
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    My sister-in-law, Debbie has now located some of her half-brothers and sisters, and is corresponding with them.
    It turns out that she also has a full sister, and she lives in the same Seattle area as Debbie lives. The sister should be able to help Debbie to re-connect with her mother, as well.
    Even though Debbie will always think of my former in-laws as her mom and dad; I think that it is great that she is finding people that are her actual blood relatives, especially since her adoptive parents have long since passed away.
    Even if the relationship is never close with the new-found family; I believe that she will be glad that she has found them, and hopefully will have some questions answered about her past.

    I think that if I had had to give up a child for adoption for whatever reason; I would be glad to find them again. Even if it had been a secret from other people in my life; I think that I would always have thought of them, and wondered what had become of the lost child.
    I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars....... Og Mandino

  6. #21
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    It is very dependent on the child. I have two adopted children. My son (now married with his own children) traced his birth mother , met her once and had no desire to see her again. He does have a half brother and sister but has not felt it necessary to keep in touch.

    My daughter has never tried to trace her birth mother. She knows a lot about her and also her natural father and could trace them if she wanted but has no wish to.

    We kept our children's given names and they always knew they were adopted so this may have made a difference to their acceptance of who they are , I do not know. The medical issue is probably the main one. They do get asked about family history but obviously they have no idea of medical history in the family.

    Each person is different and some feel a compulsion to find their birth parents and wider family but my children did not.

  7. #22
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    It's such an individual decision. I do think people should be legally entitled to search or not and to be found or not. State laws in the US are widely divergent, still.

    In my opinion, the value of family medical history cannot be over-stressed. I had the very same cancer my mother had, and her paternal grandmother had it, too. It's possible that that information saved my life. Believe me, I advertized vigilance loud and long among the females in my family.

    I went looking for my father just months after his death so I never got to know him. (I was prepared for the possibility that he may not want to know me.) However, that search led me to a half-brother and half-sister. I wrote them a letter explaining who I am, and had a phone call from my brother the day he received it. We've become close and he and his wife have become among my favorite people on earth.

    The half-sister took another tack entirely, as is certainly her right. She didn't respond to me, but said to my brother "I have enough problems without that!" We have had no contact. Oh, well.

    I love finding little quirks of personality he and I have in common that we're calling genetic.

    As I said, I think it's as individual as the persons involved.

  8. #23
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    From a practical viewpoint, I believe everyone should know their own family medical history for their own well being as well as that of their children. Modern medicine is making many advances in the study of genetic related conditions and the knowledge that there might be a predisposition could be life saving. For instance, knowing there is a history of breast cancer would prompt someone to be more alert to problems in that area. Therefore, even if birth parents don't want contact, they should volunteer pertinent family medical history. On a personal level, I was not adopted nor did I adopt. I have the stretch marks to prove it.

    I think the "Who am I?" and "Where did I come From?" would always be in the mind of an adoptee. As to whether it is pursued - purely personal decision. Whatever is discovered, it cannot help but be a life altering experience.

    DNA analysis is making it possible to locate a family group (cousins or closer) for most who test. Determining exactly where you fit into a family can take lots of research or can be surprisingly easy depending upon your research skills and how helpful your test matches (cousins) prove to be. Anyone searching for a birth family should do DNA testing with one of the large companies offering such and submit your results for analysis.

    Point of interest .... It has been discovered that older females are far more likely to be DNA tested than males of similar age. Is it because females always know when they become a parent, whereas males don't and maybe fear surprises?
    Life is an adventure to those with the courage to explore.

  9. #24
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    My daughter adopted a daughter from China and has never wanted to know her birth parents. She was left at an orphanage the day she was born as the family had a son and all they were allowed was one child at that time. It is a problem in her case as she has many medical problems and a medical history of the family would be very helpful. She is brilliant and takes only All Honors Classes. My daughter got her when she was 18 months old. She still cannot stand to have a sheet or quilt over her legs at night as they were tied down in their beds to keep them from getting out of bed in the orphanage. My daughter did not adopt here as 2 of her friends did and in both cases the birth parents changed their minds and got the children back. She did not want that to happen to her.

  10. #25
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    Our story is a little different as there was no adoption. Our son died at 49 not knowing he had a 2nd son. The boy's mom had discouraged him from looking for his dad. 2 years after our son died this 28 year old man with a wife and 2 year old son found me on Facebook. He sent me a PM and told me he wasn't after a kidney or anything but our son was his biological dad and he just wanted to meet or at lest talk to him. I told him his dad had died 2 years earlier but he had a half brother. He grew up an only child and said he'd always wanted a sibling. I told my husband before I opened my heart to him we'd have to have a DNA test but he looked at the young man's photo and said "We don't need a DNA test, that's our grandson." To make a long story short, he and his wife got on a plane and flew 1500 miles to see us a couple weeks later. All the family welcomed him and I told him he was our miracle. When his brother pulled into the drive way from college that evening he just got out of his car and said "Hello brother" and they ran into each others arms. That sight was worth millions of dollars to me. His mother sent me a message thanking me that we welcomed him the way we had. Her fears all those years were unfounded. We have not met our great grandson yet but I'm sure it's in our future. Why did it happen like this? I don't know. In case anyone is wondering, he not only looks like our family he has the same mannerisms, come of the same habits and he just fit right in like we had known him all his life. Am I glad he looked for his dad? Absolutely.

  11. #26
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    What wonderful and moving surprise! I hope you get to meet the baby before too long, Iodine!

    My high school friend gave her illegitimate baby son up for adoption when he was born. Early last year, the adoption agency wrote to her and asked permission for him to contact her about his medical background. She agreed and got a written request from him with a nice note saying he had a happy life, that he held no resentment against her but wasn't looking for a relationship.

    One day last summer, just a few weeks after my friend died, another letter came from him saying he changed his mind and actually did want very much to meet her. But he was too late.

    All this while, each was afraid to be rejected by, or cause trouble for the other.

    Since then, he has met his brother and sister by her; full blood, as she did eventually marry the father.

  12. #27
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    What a moving story Radish Rose. I kind of wish your friend had met him before she passed on but I guess things happen the way they are meant to. I'm glad he's met his brother and sister. Has he met his dad?

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