Heartbroken - opinions or advice?

dilettante said:
As she painted him here he doesn't sound abusive, cold and uncaring, or a wimp with no conviction.
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But did you see the part where she said he found fault in everything she did? Or where she said, "he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”." Do you think those are normal loving behaviors? None of that sounds cold, uncaring, or emotionally abusive to you? :oops:
 

CallMeKate said:
But did you see the part where she said he found fault in everything she did? Or where she said, "he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”." Do you think those are normal loving behaviors? None of that sounds cold, uncaring, or emotionally abusive to you? :oops:
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I guess I took that as a desperate rant trying to justify locking him in a cage.

It sounds like he refused to submit, and maybe proposed just being friends. Then she kicked him to the curb because she felt too insecure to allow him any freedom. The "no" was most likely about walking into that cage. A cage where he checks in multiple times a day, ditches his friends and family, turns over his phone so she can root through it, etc.

It sounds like she needs some growth if she wants a relationship with anyone.

But we're operating without enough information, as I said in the first place above.
 

dilettante said:
Again, what things? "Everything" sounds like BS. Specific examples might help us understand better.
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I'm guessing you've never had to deal with an emotional abuser? To use the term "everything" is NOT BS to those dealing with it. Fortunately I've never had to, but I did some crisis work with people who have. The coffee's too weak. The bacon's too crisp. Those pants make you look like a whale. You missed dust on the coffee table. I saw you eyeballing that guy who walked past. My t-shirts aren't folded right! Dinner was supposed to be at 6... it's ten bleeping minutes after 6! On and on and on. Yes, "everything" could be a very accurate description.
 
CallMeKate said:
I'm guessing you've never had to deal with an emotional abuser? To use the term "everything" is NOT BS to those dealing with it. Fortunately I've never had to, but I did some crisis work with people who have. The coffee's too weak. The bacon's too crisp. Those pants make you look like a whale. You missed dust on the coffee table. I saw you eyeballing that guy who walked past. My t-shirts aren't folded right! Dinner was supposed to be at 6... it's ten bleeping minutes after 6! On and on and on. Yes, "everything" could be a very accurate description.
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Maybe that's all true. Or true when you flip it 180 degrees. We don't know.

But is he in here debating whether to snare her again, or is she the one with the snare poised?

It sounds like he took his lumps, stood up, dusted himself off, and moved on with life. My guess is that he might even take her back if she made some major concessions. Compromise isn't always easy, but we rarely have everything our own way for very long.
 
I am seriously having trouble understanding any of this story.
First, she has what she calls a relationship for 4 years , but she only considers him as a friend. Now, she dumps her friend. How do you just “dump” someone if they are a real friend ?
If that relationship was not a romantic relationship, just a “let’s do lunch together” type of friends, then there was no reason to end the friendship to have a romantic boyfriend. (In my way of thinking)

New Boyfriend, comes along and immediately starts a physical (kissing) relationship, and now she wants the romantic relationship, and not the friends type one she has had for the last four years, because suddenly, she can’t handle that emotionally anymore.
She does not really know what the new boyfriend wants from the relationship long term, except that is apparently the friends with benefits kind that they have been having up until now.

In any case, she dumps him, too, without giving the relationship a chance to even see where it might go. I can’t figure out what Vicky actually wants from a man, and I am not quite sure that she knows, either.
But it sounds like she lost a good person who has been a reliable friend for the last four years, for no reason at all that I can see.
 
I read it as 4 months with this new guy. It became a sexual relationship, but when she got too controlling he apparently backed away (really or more BS?) and she dumped him.

Far more likely she got jealous of a non-existent "other woman" all in her mind and dumped him.

So there was never any "friends with benefits" going on and he probably never even suggested a "friends" relationship. She kicked him to the curb. How was he ever even in a position to suggest that? She went dark on him.

Now she regrets her actions but still isn't willing to work on herself.
 
Difficult and I firmly believe in people making their own decisions. At the end of the day, you'll know what's best for yourself. Give it time, time heals all...

It feels as if he's comparing you to, maybe as I don't know his situation, his previous relationships.

That's personally what I feel happens when two people who's been through previous and long relationships do. Comparison is detrimental to a potentially new love. I always believe in accepting the person as a whole, warts and all and expecting the same in return.

If that's not it, then it's time to walk away and realise it wasn't meant to be. Plenty of fish in the sea, don't worry, do what's right for you. As we've reached this age, we can afford to be picky 😸 Good luck!

PS might be worth it to check your sign's love tarot, if you believe in that. If not sorry!
 
Vicky said:
he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.
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^🚩🚩🚩

I can't understand why you would want a relationship with this man.
He has stated he wants friendship, nothing else.


You can't make someone love you.
 
dilettante said:
Far more likely she got jealous of a non-existent "other woman" all in her mind and dumped him.

So there was never any "friends with benefits" going on and he probably never even suggested a "friends" relationship. She kicked him to the curb. How was he ever even in a position to suggest that? She went dark on him.
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We all know that you were hoodwinked recently right here on the forum... but everyone else's story doesn't automatically parallel yours. Making assumptions about someone else's personal story often leads to heartache. Nothing was mentioned about "another woman" at all... or at least I didn't see the OP mention that.
 
Vicky said:
It’s been 8-yrs since the death of my spouse. I had a 4-yr relationship with a man, but never considered him anything more than a friend, which I ended recently. Since my husband’s death, I never thought I was capable of love again. Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.

Sex was wonderful especially at my age. However, he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.

I want him as a boyfriend, but he says he can’t offer more than a friendship. A best friend type relationship. I finally ended it, because I thought this is what he wanted with all his “no” responses, and his huge desire for alone time. My insecurities stop me from being just a friend. I need reassurance of his affection. I need to know he loves me as much as I love him.

So my question is: Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man? Or insisted on a boyfriend relationship? I wonder if I did the right thing? It sure does hurt and I miss him tremendously. My new sensations for affection and touch is overwhelming me. Any advice?
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Your story, its nothing new. Enjoy new friends. Narcissist's, etc. Control issues, controlling you, Nothing new here. Move over Freddy you got competition.
 
Vicky said:
Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.
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THIS!! ^^^^^
Then ANOTHER, AGGRESSIVE ( fun loving ) dominant man walked into my life.

Sex was wonderful , especially for your age?

After reading your post over a few times, I don’t think I can answer it. What type of relationship are you seeking?

Another aggressive man walked into your life.
RUN!!!!

You sound very confused Vicky !

What are you seeking in a relationship?
Do you really know what you want?

Write a list of all the things you need from a relationship. If someone is just a friend then keep them as just a friend, otherwise things get complicated - for all concerned.
 
If I had to place a bet I'd say she jumps the next guy who comes along and afterward feels even worse when it leaves her feeling empty. Then the 4 month guy won't ever come back.
 
"Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man?"

I would have (from a woman). I've been in a couple of relationships with women who just wanted to be friends with benefits. I was particularly compatible with one of them, so it was a difficult relationship.

I had to stop seeing her. That was very difficult. I lost sleep over it for quite a while, wondering if I did the right thing.

You did the right thing, @Vicky . (y)(y)
 
dilettante said:
Why does everyone jump to "friends with benefits?" I don't see that in the post.
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That's what she was to him apparently. She said they knocked boots then he told her he just wanted to be friends. HELLO!! Did he tell her before he went to bed with her and she didn't listen or didn't want to hear it. That's something we don't know.
 
Vicky said:
It’s been 8-yrs since the death of my spouse. I had a 4-yr relationship with a man, but never considered him anything more than a friend, which I ended recently. Since my husband’s death, I never thought I was capable of love again. Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.

Sex was wonderful especially at my age. However, he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.

I want him as a boyfriend, but he says he can’t offer more than a friendship. A best friend type relationship. I finally ended it, because I thought this is what he wanted with all his “no” responses, and his huge desire for alone time. My insecurities stop me from being just a friend. I need reassurance of his affection. I need to know he loves me as much as I love him.

So my question is: Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man? Or insisted on a boyfriend relationship? I wonder if I did the right thing? It sure does hurt and I miss him tremendously. My new sensations for affection and touch is overwhelming me. Any advice?
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Vicky, I read your post and I want you to know, I hear you. You are hurting and looking for affirmation. Good for you for reaching out. But here is the thing. It is hard to see how anyone here can give you an informed opinion. So many questions go unanswered. I would suggest you talk to a good friend, a pastor,or even a counsellor. I have done that in times of tragedy and great loss. I hope you find the help you need.
 
Vicky said:
It’s been 8-yrs since the death of my spouse. I had a 4-yr relationship with a man, but never considered him anything more than a friend, which I ended recently. Since my husband’s death, I never thought I was capable of love again. Then, another aggressive, fun loving, dominate man walked into my life. I asked him for help and at the end of the night, he gave me the most tender kiss I ever felt. It was love at 1st sight for me. Since that point, we were together frequently over the 4-months.

Sex was wonderful especially at my age. However, he found faults in everything I do. I am not the typical feminine person, more like tomboy due to having to do chores myself for so many yrs. No one to lean on. So I believe he sees me too much like a guy. He tells me I have control issues, yet he is the one who has to be doing the asking, pleasing, deciding, giving, etc. Anytime I suggest something, he says “no”.

I want him as a boyfriend, but he says he can’t offer more than a friendship. A best friend type relationship. I finally ended it, because I thought this is what he wanted with all his “no” responses, and his huge desire for alone time. My insecurities stop me from being just a friend. I need reassurance of his affection. I need to know he loves me as much as I love him.

So my question is: Would you have accepted a friendship only, from this man? Or insisted on a boyfriend relationship? I wonder if I did the right thing? It sure does hurt and I miss him tremendously. My new sensations for affection and touch is overwhelming me. Any advice?
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Hello Vicky,
Just from reading your post, I see Red Flags. It would be very hard for me to have a lady in my life who I was in love with and who just wanted to be friends. In my opinion, you did the right thing. Find a man that you can share love with.
 


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