How does a person live alone and not get lonely?

officerripley said:
Sounds like you're saying that at least some of those who feel a need to share their despair are immature to need to do so? So concentration camp victims who availed themselves of therapy after being liberated were immature to do so? So those who have lost family and other loved ones to murder, war, etc. and who availed themselves of therapy were immature to do so? So those (some of whom I've known personally) have been laid off after years of faithful service to a !@#$% corporation and who have availed themselves of therapy are immature to do so? I could go on, of course.
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I don’t think he means actual therapy.

I think he means people like me who share their life story. Oh, dear. 😂. But, you know, if someone doesn’t want to know about other people and their lives; then they don’t need to read the thread. It is a really easy problem to solve.

If someone doesn’t want to listen to the chit chat of others walk away. I think he, like others, craves attention and friendship directed towards him, but doesn’t want to or is not able to give back attention and friendship back. Then, again, I am guessing and mean no offense. Just trying to figure out what’s going on.
 

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Aneeda72 said:
I disagree. I do not think @Bretrick is lucky. To be lonely is to value companionship, companionship teaches you many things. It seems, to me, that @Bretrick may lack appropriate compassion, empathy, and other qualities too numerous to name. Perhaps over judging because she was judged too harshly as a child.

She said she became withdrawn at a very young age. I won’t speculate why. I hid as much as I could as a child, and when I became older I climbed trees to avoid my horrific parents. Course, I always had to come down eventually. 😢

Many of us cloak ourselves in veils of lesser humanity in order to survive the harshness of the world. But then again, I am always willing to engage in non stop chit chat with myself or others. 😂. Human and non human.
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I am in fact Male. :)
What you say is very true. Those early experiences of mine did see me lack compassion and empathy. For many years I was emotionless as a self preservation strategy.
As I have matured my compassion and empathy has grown. I go out of my way to help those who can not help themselves.
Though I may sound harsh in my writings what I am attempting to do is to get people to see that there are ways to overcome the past and the loneliness.
But to do so, one really does need to make an effort.
I have overcome my past with coping strategies and I really love the person I have become.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I don’t think she (?) means actual therapy.

I think she means people like me who share their life story. Oh, dear. 😂. But, you know, if someone doesn’t want to know about other people and their lives; then don’t read the thread. It is a really easy problem to solve.

If someone doesn’t want to listen to the chit chat of others walk away. I think she, like others, craves attention and friendship directed towards her, but doesn’t want to or is not able to give back attention and friendship back. Then, again, I am guessing and mean no offense. Just trying to figure out what’s going on.
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He :)
 

I have lived alone for much of my life, save for the 20 years with my husband ,who passed 2019. I am alone again now. I like having my alone time, to read, watch TV or be on my computer.
But My building has a rather active community room, so I can always go down and spend as much or as little time as I want down there visiting. Best of both worlds.
 
Bretrick said:
I am in fact Male. :)
What you say is very true. Those early experiences of mine did see me lack compassion and empathy. For many years I was emotionless as a self preservation strategy.
As I have matured my compassion and empathy has grown. I go out of my way to help those who can not help themselves.
Though I may sound harsh in my writings what I am attempting to do is to get people to see that there are ways to overcome the past and the loneliness.
But to do so, one really does need to make an effort.
I have overcome my past with coping strategies and I really love the person I have become.
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Sorry, I will try to remember that you are male.

An abused child pretty much “recognizes” another one. Sorry for whatever you dealt with in your past. I have not overcome my past and at 75 I am stuck with it. I like the person I am, but I would not say I love the person I am.

I made a lot of poor choices. But my poor choices enabled me to help my children and grandchildren to avoid the same mistakes and for that I am very grateful.
 
I have been a bachelor all of my life by choice. My dad lost my mother from a sudden heart attack and was lost for a period of time after. Then he started dating because he was lonely and I mean lonely. His life was a large family, met my mon a couple years after high school and was deeply in love with her and married he so when he found her dead on the kitchen floor it hit him in a way I will never know. He chose to start dating out of loneliness because life had become what he never knew. The key word is "chose" If life is a burden then try to change it by choosing to not complaining.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Sorry, I will try to remember that you are male.

An abused child pretty much “recognizes” another one. Sorry for whatever you dealt with in your past. I have not overcome my past and at 75 I am stuck with it. I like the person I am, but I would not say I love the person I am.

I made a lot of poor choices. But my poor choices enabled me to help my children and grandchildren to avoid the same mistakes and for that I am very grateful.
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You recognised that in me in my writings because of your own experiences. I still have an almost impenetrable wall around me to ensure I will never be used and abused again.
Our experiences allow us to fully understand the pitfalls of society and what to watch out for.
I am more resilient these days, so when people try to belittle me in any way I can shrug it off and move on.
 
Bretrick said:
You recognised that in me in my writings because of your own experiences. I still have an almost impenetrable wall around me to ensure I will never be used and abused again.
Our experiences allow us to fully understand the pitfalls of society and what to watch out for.
I am more resilient these days, so when people try to belittle me in any way I can shrug it off and move on.
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Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not have that wall. I still have not decided which would have been best, yet another one of my failings. 😢
 
Marie5656 said:
I have lived alone for much of my life, save for the 20 years with my husband ,who passed 2019. I am alone again now. I like having my alone time, to read, watch TV or be on my computer.
But My building has a rather active community room, so I can always go down and spend as much or as little time as I want down there visiting. Best of both worlds.
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Yes, that is the best of both worlds. When ever you desire company you need only to walk to the community centre and there it is. Wonderful
 
officerripley said:
A lot of the hobbies listed above are great if you like that sort of thing (I do up to a point, espec. reading). However, there are those of us who just enjoy some human socializing, at least once in a while and some simply would rather visit with other people more than they enjoy doing anything else. Yes, there are indeed people like that, although I admit there are fewer and fewer it seems. Sometimes it seems to me as if the internet has caused an increase in misanthropes. (I know it hasn't really but it sure feels as if sometimes.) You either like people or you don't, I guess.
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I rarely get bored. This must be because when I was a kid, if I said I was bored, chores were assigned. I love to read, and plan to begin a few other hobbies. I really like being with people. Most of the ones I know, I can't be around because of Covid. So there are plenty of times I wish I could have friends over or go visit friends. Right now I see my daughter because she lives with me, and my doctors. The thing is, my daughter is very careful about my health - takes no chances - and she is an extrovert. So she socializes mainly in group chats with her online friends. I talk on the phone with friends and family, but it is not the same as being with people - hopefully a group of 10 or fewer.

I have lived alone for about 5 years in my late teens and early 20s. I had cats to keep me company. Plus I had a large friendship group, and 3 of those friends lived in my 4-apartment building. The other 2 people were friendly acquaintances, and gave me both of my cats. I had frequent visitors - and lots of visiting back and forth between sorority sisters (we were an all-female building and that was our nickname). So it was really like quasi-living alone. With friends, I've always been a "the more the merrier" type of person. You can eat here. You can sleep here. Someone everyone will be fed and have somewhere to sleep if they want. Bring your kids! Bring your dogs! Bring your cats! Bring your mother! I wasn't running a hotel, and only a few people crashed at my place, because they didn't live very far from where I lived.
 
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katlupe said:
I live alone but I am certainly not lonely. I don't hate people or social media or forums. I like to interact with others, just like living alone.
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I like living alone, as far as I know. But I always have lots people around, visitors (pre-Covid). So that doesn't count. It's a hybrid situation. I've also had pets when I lived alone (and thereafter). After living in a household of six people plus a dog or cats (and other critters from time to time) for 26 years, I don't think I would be happy living alone and being more or less isolated. I'd miss the noise and the company.

My mother lived alone for many years and didn't socialize much as she got older. Part of that was because when she moved to an outlying area, she was much further away from her friends than she used to be. And sometimes her friends had moved to outlying areas even further away than she did. She loved to read and to listen to music, and mostly did that. She didn't like driving far away at night, so she did miss most of her cultural activities in the city. She also talked with her friends on the phone and Skype, and sometimes had people over. I think she saw more people when I visited, because she knew all my friends and I always invited her to come along. She also belonged to a knitting group at a yarn shop, and to a needlework group at the Senior Center. For a long time, she went swimming at the Senior Center with a friend of hers who did not think anything of driving 45 minutes for that. For decades, my mom lived at most 15 minutes from a very large city and it's amenities; > a 15 minute drive and she was horrified.
 
WheatenLover said:
I like living alone, as far as I know. But I always have people around, visitors. So that doesn't count, maybe? I've also had pets when I lived alone (and thereafter). After living in a household of six people plus a dog or cats (and other critters from time to time) for 26 years, I don't think I would be happy living alone and being more or less isolated. I'd miss the noise and the company.

My mother lived alone for many years and didn't socialize much as she got older. Part of that was because when she moved to an outlying area, she was much further away from her friends than she used to be. And sometimes her friends had moved to outlying areas even further away than she did. She loved to read, and mostly did that. She didn't like driving far away at night, so she did miss most of her cultural activities in the city. She also talked with her friends on the phone, and sometimes had people over. I think she saw more people when I visited, because she knew all my friends and I always invited her to come along. She also belonged to a knitting group at a yarn shop, and to a needlework group at the Senior Center. For a long time, she went swimming at the Senior Center with a friend of hers who did not think anything of a drive over 15 minutes. Originally, my mom lived at most 15 minutes from a very large city.
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I live alone with my pet rabbit in my apartment but I have friends right across the hall, upstairs and downstairs from me. So I can just go knock on a door if I ever wanted to talk to someone. My boyfriend calls me a zillion times a day and I keep doing what I am doing and put him on speaker. It is like he is here. My son comes here almost every day as he lives a block away. I have many friends and family on fakebook that I talk to every day. Plus I live downtown in a small city so I can just walk outside and there are people. The library is across the street and four parks are within walking distance. The arts council is one half of my building and they have Broadway shows, concerts, art classes, etc. all right there too. So no, I never am lonely.
 
oldiebutgoody said:
I also marvel at the incessant threads about "loneliness" and just cannot understand people's endless obsession with it. People need to grow up and to grow out of their self made problem. Like you, I keep busy by reading, cooking, watching sports, cleaning my apartment, watching youtube videos, etc.
All those tears these people have - yuck. If only they could see how silly it is to keep crying in public about nothing.
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I think that when people are lonely, they are lonely for other people. There is a lot to be said for having caring, understanding friends, who share a lot of one's interests. For instance, I like dog people because they are as eager to hear about my dog as I am to hear about theirs, and they like to discuss all things Dog. A firm connection is made there, and I would hate to be without them. I also like to be around people who like to laugh, tease, and joke around. Who like to catch us up on our other friends who, for some reason, we haven't seen in awhile. This is just part of being in our friendship group, so no one minds. If something is said in confidence, we make sure that is understood, and we don't pass that on. We expect others to catch us up. It's even better if we like the same restaurants, especially for breakfast, where 10-12 of us typically gather weekly (we tip well and know the employees and manager). This is all pre-Covid, of course.

So I think that not being connected to people one cares about IRL would be very lonely. Some people don't agree with me, and that's fine. You be you. That's all anyone can ask of you.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Some people, 🙄, live with someone else and are lonely as well, cause they live with a jerk. (Just saying). Having said that, I have to have a puppy/dog. Something living who loves me, and wakes up everyday overjoyed to see me.
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For many years, I have felt like I stick out like a sore thumb in my family. I'm optimistic, but at the same time realistic. Okay, a realistic optimist. A hope for the best, prepare for the worst (if necessary), type. The others are not. I am outgoing and friendly, the others are not, except for my daughter. I like the vast majority of people I meet; it is always shocking when I realize I don't like someone. I may not like someone's opinions on certain things, but there is usually plenty to like. We just agree not to talk about those certain things. I don't like drug addicts (n/i nicotine), but that is because active addicts will always break your heart. I have had some of them as clients, and everyone who tried to help them ended up with a broken heart. Even mean old me. The rest of my family, except for my daughter, are not so friendly. I understand my two sons with autism have trouble socially. That is not a problem, and they do get along well with online friends. But my husband and my other son do just plain not like people. They socialize only with the immediate family.

My dog, OTOH, is always over the top overjoyed to see me and to be with me, and I with him.
 
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Humans are basically intelligent social creatures, to such an extent that our brains evolved highly developed structures for complex vocal language, emotional recognition, and social interactions with others. Although it is possible as many have always done, for a human to live a satisfying fulfilling existence mostly alone or even totally alone, such requires being able to cope somehow filling that innate vacuum.

Historically until the modern era, most humans lived in a world of limited distance with extended families in small social communities where individuals of all ages participated in the welfare and happiness of all. In particular, elders had real purpose greatly helping young families bring up children and providing wisdom.
 
horseless carriage said:
We are all made very differently, what helps some, cathartic even, is to share their despair. They are not thinking about how big an internet audience is, what they know is that a friendly forum like this will inevitably dispense tea and sympathy. That in turn lifts their spirits and the carer feels a sense of purpose at being able to help.

Being generous to others costs very little, showing that you care helps. For some company is everything and loneliness a great heartache, so I would say, make a few suggestions as to what might be best to lift the spirit of someone who needs a little bit of a stranger's love.

As St. Paul put it in his second letter to The Corinthians:
2 Corinthians 9:6-8
Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

That message is as good for those with a secular outlook on life as it is for those who believe in a deity.
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I have certainly shared my despair and come here for advice. That's because ya'll give good advice. Also because I don't like to speak about my problems with my family to people who know them IRL. I don't want to damage their reputations, mainly. I don't need the small town gossip to possibly get around. There is enough already based on things people have seen for themselves. None of it criminal or immoral.

I did spend a couple of years going to a biweekly and excellent food bank. It is heartbreaking how many senior who were lonely were there. No matter what, I spent time with them. Not as a giver, but as a taker. It was fascinating getting to know them, as it usually is with people. One woman was avoided by everyone. She smelled very bad, and she brought her tiny dog (4 lbs, maybe) into the food bank with her. We had a lot of waiting around time, so a typical 4 hour visit was taken up by about 30 minutes of actually collecting food. One had to get there 1.5 early, and they only let 10 people in the food line at a time.

Anyway, I found out from her (without saying a word) that she had an awful time bathing and showering because she just couldn't get around very well, especially in the tub/shower. She also loved that little dog and he was a true emotional support animal - without him, I doubt she would have been able to bring herself to use the food bank, which she sorely needed. She was a really friendly, and shy, person. I gave her the number of the council that helps seniors with all sorts of things, and urged her to call them. She already knew about it, and didn't want me to call them or be with her while she called them. Okay, a person does what they can. Anyway, I really enjoyed her company.

I am a firm believer in that showing you care helps. Not just the person, but also myself. It enriches my life.
 
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Nathan said:
After my last divorce I decided to not get involved with anyone for a while, needed to figure out why I kept ending up in disastrous relationships.
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Although I do enjoy my own company, I have managed to marry the same man (in a negative way) twice. I will never get married again, should I be free to, and I will involve myself only with friendships (not with benefits). I do not trust my own judgment. Even though I am pretty self-aware, the reasons only come to the forefront after it's too late. The glaring red flags are not noticed until too late either.
 
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mellowyellow said:
I think loneliness is the saddest, most destructive emotion and believe our culture is largely responsible. Look around at different cultures, they have large extended families and are rarely ever alone. We don’t. They don’t pack their oldies off into nursing homes. We do. I envy those who have never felt lonely, you’re very lucky IMO.
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Plus, I have discovered how invisible older people are to the general public. It's freeing, in a way. Knowing that means I can appear in public while my hair is growing out, and still too short and lopsided to make it look "normal", without wearing a cap or a wig. I figured out that I'm mostly invisible, and that anyone wants to know why I look a bit odd, they can ask, no problem.
 
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Manatee said:
My wife has been in hospital/rehab since early March. We have been married for 62 years, I miss having her around. Going to visit every day is not the same.
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So sorry to hear you going through that. My husband was in rehab for 9 months, then died and the daily trek was depressing and difficult. At one point I was told he would never be leaving there but I kept hoping...we were married 50 years..our 50th was in the SNF. Every day was a challenge as there was always something that needed attention but of course one has to 'pick your battles' since he is in their care. I wish you all the best and hope and pray things to go well for you. God Bless...
 

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