Difficult Relationship with Adult Daughter Since She Moved

M

MommaLynn

New Member
Hi All, This is my first post here. I am at my wits end due to the very strained relationship that I am experiencing with my 34 yr old daughter. Her and her husband moved to another state last year right after my granddaughter was born. The move is about 75 miles away so not that much of a distance but I was working full time until recently so I did not get to visit as often as she had hoped. Throughout this past year my daughter has been very upset with me that I haven't been there for her. Without going into much detail her conversations on the phone and when I visit turn into bashing sessions. I am making an effort to visit more frequently but when I am there she and her husband harass me to the point where I am not happy to be there. I adore my little granddaughter and love seeing her but not sure how much more of this behavior I can handle.
I understand raising a baby can be very stressful but I am at a loss on how to make things better with my daughter.
I'd be grateful for any suggestions and advice from those who may have experienced similar situations.
Thanks!
 

First off, welcome to the forum!

Truth be told, I can't understand what your daughter and son-in-law expect from you. Perhaps they could make a trip to visit you, rather than you having to visit them? If I'm not being too personal, what type of behaviour/harassment do they inflict upon you?

Frankly, it was their choice to have a baby, so, they really should have no expectations of you, or anyone else.
 
Sorry you're going through this! If this happened to me, I would definitely sit down and speak to my daughter.
Find out what is causing these outbursts and have a decent conversation without blaming anyone.

I also would reflect on our conversations and find out if there was something I said that may have provoked her outburst. If there was, I would ask for forgiveness (but that's me, not everyone can do that).

She might be going through a stressful time (maybe money situation, or health) and is lashing out at you and not wanting to say what's really on her mind. It might not even be you!

So take a step back from this all, breathe deeply a few times to destress, and think about how to proceed.
 
Pinky said:
First off, welcome to the forum!

Truth be told, I can't understand what your daughter and son-in-law expect from you. Perhaps they could make a trip to visit you, rather than you having to visit them? If I'm not being too personal, what type of behaviour/harassment do they inflict upon you?

Frankly, it was their choice to have a baby, so, they really should have no expectations of you, or anyone else.
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Hi Pinky,

Thank you for the welcome!
Their criticisms, especially daughter's, range from me being a terrible mom and grandmother, to challenging me when my husband and I have a weekend getaway rather than going to see them. Truly my memories of her childhood were one of participation in all kinds of activities, church, scouts, sports, etc in an open loving home.
And yes, their expectations are very high. I am expected to visit once a week.
I feel I currently in a no win situation so maybe the best plan is to leave her be for a period of time.
Thanks for your reply!
 
palides2021 said:
Sorry you're going through this! If this happened to me, I would definitely sit down and speak to my daughter.
Find out what is causing these outbursts and have a decent conversation without blaming anyone.

I also would reflect on our conversations and find out if there was something I said that may have provoked her outburst. If there was, I would ask for forgiveness (but that's me, not everyone can do that).

She might be going through a stressful time (maybe money situation, or health) and is lashing out at you and not wanting to say what's really on her mind. It might not even be you!

So take a step back from this all, breathe deeply a few times to destress, and think about how to proceed.
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Hi Palides2021,
I agree that this may be caused by stress. She is having a hard time giving up the 'BC' life (before children).
I am trying not to take these personal attacks personally. Of course, this is difficult at time.
Thanks for your reply!
 
RFW said:
75 miles isn't too far but it's still far for us old folks. Not sure what she expects of you. I'm guessing there are other preexisting problems and this just exacerbates it. Sorry to hear about i!
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Hi RFW,
You're correct in saying it's not that far. The issue is the ride is mostly very busy interstate driving of which I am not a fan of (white knuckles most of the way for me!).
New home, fairly new marriage and new baby is taking a toll on her it seems.
Best plan for now might be to give our relationship some space.
Thanks for your reply!
 
MommaLynn said:
Hi RFW,
You're correct in saying it's not that far. The issue is the ride is mostly very busy interstate driving of which I am not a fan of (white knuckles most of the way for me!).
New home, fairly new marriage and new baby is taking a toll on her it seems.
Best plan for now might be to give our relationship some space.
Thanks for your reply!
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That's what I would do too. Best of luck to you. Hope they will realize their mistakes.
 
MommaLynn said:
Hi RFW,
You're correct in saying it's not that far. The issue is the ride is mostly very busy interstate driving of which I am not a fan of (white knuckles most of the way for me!).
New home, fairly new marriage and new baby is taking a toll on her it seems.
Best plan for now might be to give our relationship some space.
Thanks for your reply!
Click to expand...
I can empathize about the interstate driving. My daughter lives an hour and a half away...ALL interstate driving, and I hate it. I see her usually on birthdays and major holidays and occasional "special events" such as graduations, etc. I miss the drop-in visits when she lived close by.
 
Welcome to the forum!

Sorry you are having such problems with your daughter. If I was you, I would definitely distance myself from her and her husband for a period of time. Maybe she needs to learn to manage all the new changes to her life without you for the time being. Tell her she can visit you. Good luck with this.
 
Well it was their choice to have a child, and their choice to move. If they wanted more participation from you, then it’s on them that they made that participation difficult for you by their choices.

My daughter is a similar age. I still work, drive 35 minutes a couple times a week to visit with the grand babies. By comparison, the kids’other grandma lives much closer, complains all the time that she never gets to see the grands, but makes no effort to come visit, just expects that they will be brought to her. She’s 10 years younger than me, works close by, yet never makes the effort.

My daughter appreciates my efforts to spend time with the grands, particularly in light of the other grandma’s issues. It’s a joy to me to be able to spend that time with them, to babysit when asked, to see them frequently because I host lots of family get togethers (I have 5 kids and 2 step-children and 13 grands and step grands, so lots of family birthdays and other seasonal events where we all get together)

The point of all the above is that I likely wouldn’t be able to visit as frequently if they lived further away, at least not while I’m working. Also, while I think it’s the grandparents responsibility to make the time and effort to be in grandchildrens’ lives, I don’t think it’s appropriate for your daughter to be criticizing you for how often you visit when it’s her choices that have made visiting frequently difficult for you.
 
When frustrated and under a lot of pressure, it's tempting to lash out at those closest because we know they will continue to love us, no matter what. Try being her 'soft place to fall,' a relief valve. Don't engage but listen and let her vent with neutral, not negative, comment. If this behavior is out of character for her, she may be just trying to get through a rough patch and has no other coping mechanism at the moment.

Soooooo, it leaves you frustrated and under stress? Come here and read some jokes or get involved in an interesting conversation. Look at some earlier posts and find something of interest to resurrect. There is something for everyone here.

By the way, welcome to the group.
 
Strained relationships usually start many years ago - and have nothing to do with "stress" or "distance."
Parents are often clueless about the lasting effect their words & actions have on their kids.
The phrase "Without going into much detail" often accompanies such issues. It's precisely those details that are at the root of the problem.
 
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Welcome to the forum.
I've had a strained relationship with my 45 year old son since he was 16 years old. Unbeknownst to me until a couple years ago, he's been resentful of many decisions I made when he was in high school. The circumstances of those decisions were what I did at the time to try to preserve a "family" environment. Unfortunately, that failed...miserably. He's held all that resentment for years inside of him and it finally came out in a very hurtful exchange. Instead of blaming me for his life decisions, he's never owned up to his mistakes. Could this be part of what's going on with your daughter? The only way to know what's in her heart and in her mind is to talk to her, but be prepared to hear things that you might not want to hear. Hopefully, you can resolve the problem with her. Perhaps she's like my son was/is and just assumed he knew why I made the choices I did. What he "assumed" was completely wrong but it was too late for us to patch things up. Too many years had gone by and what he thought just festered inside him. Don't let it just go. My son and I are at the point where we haven't talked or seen each other for 8 years. I had to cut him off for my own sake.
 
win231 said:
Strained relationships usually start many years ago - and have nothing to do with "stress" or "distance."
Parents are often clueless about the lasting effect their words & actions have on their kids.
The phrase "Without going into much detail" often accompanies such issues. It's precisely those details that are at the root of the problem.
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Perception is a person's reality so you may be right. The thing is no one is perfect and if there were mistakes or hurts in the past that have been addressed but are continually rehashed it's hard to move forward.
Thank you for your point of view.
 
Colleen said:
Welcome to the forum.
I've had a strained relationship with my 45 year old son since he was 16 years old. Unbeknownst to me until a couple years ago, he's been resentful of many decisions I made when he was in high school. The circumstances of those decisions were what I did at the time to try to preserve a "family" environment. Unfortunately, that failed...miserably. He's held all that resentment for years inside of him and it finally came out in a very hurtful exchange. Instead of blaming me for his life decisions, he's never owned up to his mistakes. Could this be part of what's going on with your daughter? The only way to know what's in her heart and in her mind is to talk to her, but be prepared to hear things that you might not want to hear. Hopefully, you can resolve the problem with her. Perhaps she's like my son was/is and just assumed he knew why I made the choices I did. What he "assumed" was completely wrong but it was too late for us to patch things up. Too many years had gone by and what he thought just festered inside him. Don't let it just go. My son and I are at the point where we haven't talked or seen each other for 8 years. I had to cut him off for my own sake.
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Colleen,
I'm sorry to hear how your relationship with your son has played out. I think we all do the best that we can at the time. It is good that you made the decision to take care of your own sanity as we cannot change how another person perceives their own reality. My daughter and I have always had a good relationship in the past. I feel some of her upset and frustration may be being fueled by her husband. To go a bit deeper, he has called me several times over the past 3 yrs of their relationship complaining about her. He has more than once threatened divorce. I have vowed to no longer indulge him in those conversations.
I hope you have found peace and happiness in positive relationships!
 
bingo said:
Not knowing how the son in law plays into this situation...hard to say...
What about his mom...do they live close-byl
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bingo said:
Not knowing how the son in law plays into this situation...hard to say...
What about his mom...do they live close-by?
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They moved away from both families so SILs mom is even a little further away. He talks to her almost every day though. They seem to have a very good relationship.
 
MommaLynn said:
And yes, their expectations are very high. I am expected to visit once a week.
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Whaaat? My parents lived a 2 hour drive away when my son was growing up and they visited once or twice a year. That always seemed about normal to me.

It's always seemed strange to me, people who complain that you don't visit often enough, then when you do visit spend the whole time complaining that you don't visit often enough so that it's not pleasant and so you don't visit as often.
 
I have 5 kids. One kid we see her and her family weekly and have dinner. But also, I am helping them with their house and my wife helps with the two kids. Dinner and the visit is great payment! One kid we see two or three times a year - that is how he wants it. One kid we see every few months as he lives 3 hours away. One kid and his family we see briefly at church weekly and otherwise maybe once every month or two for an extended visit - a little odd but that's OK. And the last kid lives with us and will do so for quite a while I think. Lots of variety. It is nice that all but one live within 60 miles. Generally, they all make it for a "big" event like Christmas or July 4th.
 
caroln said:
I can empathize about the interstate driving. My daughter lives an hour and a half away...ALL interstate driving, and I hate it. I see her usually on birthdays and major holidays and occasional "special events" such as graduations, etc. I miss the drop-in visits when she lived close by.
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My daughter lives the same distance away as yours... it's all motorway driving for 50 miles , and then tiny trafiic filled roads extremely busy through several towns etc.. so although it doesn't sound far on paper .. it's a stressful drive... ( and I'm a person who enjoys driving)... so it has to be visits of high days and holidays only... and that's sad but it has to be accepted by me.. she's got a full time job, and 3 elderly dogs who can't be left alone for too long..
She can't come here on Mother's day which is this Sunday, but she's sent a gift which arrived today..... it's our joint birthdays in a couple of weeks time so we're trying to arrange something around those dates, and meet somewhere in the middle between our homes as we did just after she moved all the way up there.. it means the dogs don't get left for more than a few hours..

I've been to her home twice since she moved there a year ago.. and now last weekend she's moved into a new house, in the same area and is deep in the process of having it renovated on the precious few days she's off work ( weekends mainly).. so again she's very busy...

With regard to you MommaLynn ( welcome to the forum BTW).. it sounds to me as tho' your DD may have been spoiled growing up, and still demanding mom's attention now when she's feeling tired of taking on a full time responsibility of a newborn....I would suggest she might be suffering from the Baby Blues.. but that doesn't account for her verbal abuse to you.., and of course like all of us if you're going to have toxicity fired at you , you're not going to want to go back for more...

I think you're right to make the decision to stay away for a while, and let the phone go to the answer phone when she calls ... at least until her behavior improves towards you... it's totally unacceptable for her to talk to you in that way...
 
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MommaLynn, I don't think it's a good idea to "give it some space" right now. I think it would be best to address the issue asap. You said "no one is perfect and if there were mistakes or hurts in the past that ... are continually rehashed it's hard to move forward." That's a great start to your next conversation.

My daughter and I were estranged for almost 2 decades. It was really awful, the worst thing ever. She moved down near L.A., over 500 miles away. I did fly down there several times. I got kind of a cold reception from her but had good times with my granddaughter...Disneyland and all that. Anyway, I called my daughter regularly, every Sunday. Sometimes she didn't answer the phone, sometimes she did, but I kept reaching out regardless, if only to tell her I love her and that I wanted her back in my life, however long it took.

(All's well now)
 
Murrmurr said:
MommaLynn, I don't think it's a good idea to "give it some space" right now. I think it would be best to address the issue asap. You said "no one is perfect and if there were mistakes or hurts in the past that ... are continually rehashed it's hard to move forward." That's a great start to your next conversation.

My daughter and I were estranged for almost 2 decades. It was really awful, the worst thing ever. She moved down near L.A., over 500 miles away. I did fly down there several times. I got kind of a cold reception from her but had good times with my granddaughter...Disneyland and all that. Anyway, I called my daughter regularly, every Sunday. Sometimes she didn't answer the phone, sometimes she did, but I kept reaching out regardless, if only to tell her I love her and that I wanted her back in my life, however long it took.

(All's well now)
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yes but were you getting verbally abused by your daughter.. ? Mommalynn is already visiting and calling but she's being verbally abused and accused of not doing enough
 

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