Envy.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I visited my ex SIL last weekend…I posted about that. There was a five year span back in the 80’s when we both lived in Huntsville Alabama, where she still is, same house and everything! Her hubs built them a log home on 10 acres in the country.

But I remember when we both lived there, in Huntsville, I had a degree of envy for her house, for the way it was, how she decorated it, the permanence of it, how she always kept up with the housekeeping and everything always looked guest ready. By comparison, we kept moving around (the entire time we lived in Huntsville we moved every 6 months) and depending on whether or not my ex was working, we lived in some dumps! So yeah, envy.

After I visited with my SIL this past weekend, I realized that all that envy, all that longing for the trappings of her house, were gone. I saw her house in a different light, through different eyes, and all the things I’d admired about her house were no longer my taste or style or the way I wanted to live or surround myself with.

Fascinating to have such a perspective change, such a drastic flip. Obviously made many changes to her house and such over the years, the home has gotten older and a bit shabby, they’ve ripped up all the carpets upstairs and not replaced them so it’s just sub floor, various other repairs her husband is taking his time getting to. Even apart from all that, I just realized that the style I so had admired isn’t mine.

It just took me a lot longer to evolve my style because I was so overshadowed by my ex, whereas my SIL’s husband didn’t care how she decorated!

It was a fascinating insight into envy. How it can change and morph, and disappear entirely if the circumstances are right!
 

Last edited:
I also envied those who had nicer houses, nicer cars, etc. when I was younger. It was the "keeping up with Joneses" syndrome. I now realize that many who have those nicer things are not necessarily happy, and some buy them to overcompensate for some other deficiencies in their lives. I have a happy life with what we have, so there is no longer any envy on my part. It should come with age.
 
Follow-up to previous post...
Once visited a lady "who HAD IT All"...beautiful big house, lots of everything...
Husband "making it"
I thought...Wow! How lucky she is.
Then I saw her in church...with a black eye.😟

So..looks can be deceiving!🙄
 
I don't think I've been a particularly envious person. I'm not settled in a place of my own, still renting and that bothers me. Though I owned a house at one time and that didn't work out. And it kind of eats at me why nothing has worked out. I don't care what I drive. I'm glad my car still starts and runs.

I guess our perspectives do change over the years.
 
Jace said:
Follow-up to previous post...
Once visited a lady "who HAD IT All"...beautiful big house, lots of everything...
Husband "making it"
I thought...Wow! How lucky she is.
Then I saw her in church...with a black eye.😟

So..looks can be deceiving!🙄
Click to expand...
So true. I'd rather live in a travel trailer than endure that.

Similar happened with a former co-worker. Lived with a guy, nice house with a lake view I heard. She said she fell in the barn but confided in another co-worker, her supervisor, what had really happened. Very sad, no one deserves to live like that.
 
dseag2 said:
I also envied those who had nicer houses, nicer cars, etc. when I was younger. It was the "keeping up with Joneses" syndrome. I now realize that many who have those nicer things are not necessarily happy, and some buy them to overcompensate for some other deficiencies in their lives. I have a happy life with what we have, so there is no longer any envy on my part. It should come with age.
Click to expand...
Reminded me of a show (I think it was Oprah or Donahue). Liberace was the guest. At the time his illness was mostly a secret.
An audience member remarked that it must be great to have that much money & be able to buy anything he wanted.
Liberace said, "If you have your health, you're already wealthy."
 
I think traveling the world has made me realize that "you don't know what you don't have". I remember a time in Cambodia, which is such a poor country, where the children were happily playing outside. They had no idea what was available in a more developed country, but they were still happy. Experiences like that make me appreciate what I have every day.
 
I remember envying my SIL back when she was still married to my brother. They had a really nice house and a comfortable income. Then I discovered that their marriage was not happy at all, and after about fifteen years they divorced. Being a single mom at the time, I had envied her being married and owning a house, while I struggled with going back to school, working, and raising my daughter. I was renting an apartment and longed for a home of my own.

I also had a neighbor in that same apartment house. The house was arranged so that the two bottom units each had two floors, while I had the top floor. I envied her because they had more room and her husband owned two motor boats. The used to go to fishing tournaments or out camping on weekends. Then one evening I heard her husband speaking to her in a very nasty way, and the next day she had a black eye and was limping. Then I realized how fortunate I was to be independent, and not to have an abusive spouse, however much I struggled financially.
 
dseag2 said:
I think traveling the world has made me realize that "you don't know what you don't have". I remember a time in Cambodia, which is such a poor country, where the children were happily playing outside. They had no idea what was available in a more developed country, but they were still happy. Experiences like that make me appreciate what I have every day.
Click to expand...
I worked with a Cambodian survivor of Pol Pot -- the hardest working person I have ever known. Before emigrating, the Pol Pot regime killed his father and uncle, and probably other friends and family members. The bank I worked for paid for night classes for him in which he learned English. He was constantly educating himself in an endless series of other classes, and was well paid for his efforts, and deservedly so. Vannak, if you are listening I hope you are doing well.
 
Ronni said:
I visited my ex SIL last weekend…I posted about that. There was a five year span back in the 80’s when we both lived in Huntsville Alabama, where she still is, same house and everything! Her hubs built them a log home on 10 acres in the country.

But I remember when we both lived there, in Huntsville, I had a degree of envy for her house, for the way it was, how she decorated it, the permanence of it, how she always kept up with the housekeeping and everything always looked guest ready. By comparison, we kept moving around (the entire time we lived in Huntsville we moved every 6 months) and depending on whether or not my ex was working, we lived in some dumps! So yeah, envy.

After I visited with my SIL this past weekend, I realized that all that envy, all that longing for the trappings of her house, were gone. I saw her house in a different light, through different eyes, and all the things I’d admired about her house were no longer my taste or style or the way I wanted to live or surround myself with.

Fascinating to have such a perspective change, such a drastic flip. Obviously made many changes to her house and such over the years, the home has gotten older and a bit shabby, they’ve ripped up all the carpets upstairs and not replaced them so it’s just sub floor, various other repairs her husband is taking his time getting to. Even apart from all that, I just realized that the style I so had admired isn’t mine.

It just took me a lot longer to evolve my style because I was so overshadowed by my ex, whereas my SIL’s husband didn’t care how she decorated!

It was a fascinating insight into envy. How it can change and morph, and disappear entirely if the circumstances are right!
Click to expand...
Maybe you only envied it because of your ex and you wanted away from the ex at the time and didn't even realize it.
 
Being envious or jealous isn't worth the effort it takes to gloat over it. I have what I have because they are the things that I either want or need and not because I am trying to impress or keep up with someone.
 
MarciKS said:
Maybe you only envied it because of your ex and you wanted away from the ex at the time and didn't even realize it.
Click to expand...
@MarciKS that's exactly what it was. Thanks for understanding.

I’m not, and never have been, an envious person by nature. I don’t covet THINGS. I have no interest in or desire to “keep up with the Joneses” or want to accumulate stuff just so that I can say “I have the latest or most expensive X”

I envied my SIL’s freedom, the fact that she COULD decorate any way she wanted, that she could come and go as she pleased, have what she wanted within their means, had a husband who was committed to providing for his family so that she has certainty about where their next meal was coming from and security for her future.

By comparison, I was rigidly controlled by my ex, not allowed to choose things for the house, or clothes for the kids or myself because “you have no taste.” Our lives were very uncertain because my ex kept getting fired or would unexpectedly quit so we were constantly moving to yet another rental house. It was unsettling and insecure.
 
Last edited:
Ronni said:
By comparison, I was rigidly controlled by my ex, not allowed to choose things for the house, or clothes for the kids or myself because “you have no taste.” Our lives were very uncertain because my ex kept getting fired or would unexpectedly quit so we were constantly moving to yet another rental house. It was unsettling and insecure.
Click to expand...
Boy,@Ronni
There's just no call for ANY of that
You sure came out on the other side
Bravo
Well done
 
Gary O' said:
Boy,@Ronni
There's just no call for ANY of that
You sure came out on the other side
Bravo
Well done
Click to expand...
Thanks @Gary O' ❤️

Took me a long time to find the courage to leave, and I regret that. Also took years of therapy and support groups and self help stuff for me to feel whole again.

But it’s a complex dynamic between an abuser and their victims, and so there are some people who never leave, or they leave but then return to their abuser. So I’m very lucky in that regard.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top