If you are or have been married/partnered .. reflecting on that now.

MarkD

MarkD

Keeper of the Hounds & Garden
Location
San Francisco Bay Area
Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages. So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?

I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible. But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever. Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me. Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now. Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?

















.
 

Looking back, my first go at it wasn’t great either. I’m extremely glad that she left. I was too clueless to recognize it at 25 but it wasn’t good and I would never have had the life I have if she hadn’t gone. Oh well 3 years lost in one sense but at least it led to realizing what I really wanted and what I needed to do to be ready for a better chance. I doubt there was any other way.

I wonder if many families/communities do more to prepare young people for relationships. The only thing we do even even less well is to prepare people for parenthood. But I’m quite happy not to have spread any genes around.
 

1. Both of us were self-actualized and happy within ourselves, so we could give to each other instead of take.
2. honor and respect.
3. no learning or growing, no trying or pretense.
4. He was rock solid and genuine, stood behind his word, had his own value system, his own moral code. his own spirituality.
5. spiritual, cheerful, soft-spoken, straight and solid, finds humor, intelligence, rugged spirit, not fully tamed and won't be, a man's man,
a combination of strength and gentleness, kind, considerate, bold and unafraid, wise, well-read, confident, brave and loving.
 
MarkD said:
Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages. So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?

I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible. But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever. Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me. Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now. Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?

















.
Click to expand...
I had a great experience but there are too many questions. It sort of reminds me being back in University, it's the end of the semester and I have this 2 hour test. Sorry; it's too long me!
 
Thank you for the thought-provoking questions. Regarding widowhood, yes, that stinks. But the years you had together -- well, you had to spend them somehow, right? And we know that everything comes to an end.

I had one great relationship that ended with his death, before we even had a chance to get married. The grief was long, but our time together was short. Was it worth it? Yes, because it showed I wasn't completely unloveable.

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

** The one good one, mutual liking, mutual aid, respect, honesty, etc.

The many bad ones ... what I could have done better? I should have had higher standards, been less trusting, waited longer, things like that.

An exasperated relative once said to me, "Get to know the person first!" I didn't even know what that meant. How can you get to know the person unless you're already with them? I'm beginning to understand it now though. Too late!

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?

** Which one, the good one? The straightforwardness, trust, and respect.

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?

** We were both middle aged and pretty ready I guess.

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

** As mentioned above: respect and trust, etc. Good times.

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?

** I've had so many relationships where the person seemed to not even like me. I'd want someone who actually likes me: the way I think, how I do things, my quirks.

Someone I can discuss the inevitable differences and problems with, instead of someone who just freaks out and puts me down.
 
If you are or have been married/partnered .. reflecting on that now.
Click to expand...
Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled. There were some great times and some really bad times. I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.
I'm glad that I had a beautiful daughter and son, and that God has been gracious in my life. I have a good wife now, she's not perfect but neither am I.
 
MarkD said:
Recently it came up here whether one would seek marriage again at our ages. So I'm curious how all that looks to us now?

I'm married and will be glad to remain so as long as possible. But of course nothing -including us- lasts forever. Either I'll widow her or she'll widower me. Not a great deal either way but I've been thinking some about the whole experience and that makes me wonder how others feel about their most important relationships looking back on them now. Some questions, take on as many or few as you like:

1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?



.
Click to expand...
I'd been through a divorce (which was hard on me because I had two children that I loved dearly) but by the time I reached 50 I figured single life (read "alone") was the way it was meant to be so I gave up "looking". But not very far from 60 I met a woman and 3 years later we got married. My son was born when I was 60, I'm 75 now. Yes, my wife is quite a bit younger than I.

1 - We both yearned for a relationship.

2 - From my point of view? She doesn't nag very much and she doesn't try to compete with me. From her point of view? I love her, I don't smoke or take drugs, I am not aggressive towards her, I don't stay out late, and I don't "cheat". She can count on me.

3 - We were both "ready". The only learning was getting used to our idiosyncracies and accepting them with tolerance.

4 - Yes. I learned from her that despite me being exceptionally romantic it is her sense of duty to our family that is much more important.

5 - Is your question what I would look for if the two of us were to split up? I don't even want to think of such a thing happening.
 
From the beginning there was a magnetic frisson, she was fourteen, I was eighteen. A dance instructor had introduced us. On the dance floor, I'm talking Latin & Ballroom, we had both an empathy and mutual anticipation of our dance moves, you could say that we just clicked.

Our ambition was to become professional but the reality was clear, only the very top one percent achieve that and they don't make as much as other performing arts, so after graduating in business studies I became a manager in the logistics industry. The lady, trained in the ambulance service and qualified as a paramedic and we continued dancing as amateurs, just for the fun of it.

Before that happened though we became a couple, about two years after meeting. The dancing, competing and travelling were extremely expensive so, I asked her father if he would object if we shared a room. His response was classic. "If you want to sleep with my daughter, you will marry her."

To his and everyone else's surprise, that's exactly what I did. She was just eighteen and I had not long turned twenty-two. Funny thing was, everyone it seemed, was waiting for the happy event. By the time she was twenty-five, everyone it seemed, was offering the advice: "Don't leave it too late dear." She's seventy two now, I think she might have left it a bit late.

We are what we have always been, a couple in love. We, or me to be more honest, learned that others are both physically attractive and, give off those attraction vibes. What I learned and what was always inherent in my lady, is that others are both dangerous and enjoyable. The motto being, "Look, but don't touch." We have never wavered from that rule.

The only downside to our relationship is that, one day, one of us must suffer the bereavement of the other. But I tell her that, I will always love her, in this world and the next. I consider myself to be an extremely fortunate man.
 
Nathan said:
Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled. There were some great times and some really bad times. I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.
Click to expand...

I hope the realization becomes ever more common that memory isn’t like a stack of videos you can just snap in and play if you can find it.
Sounds like life and relationship has been good to you.
 
Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary. He has been gone for 3 years now. Was it a happy marriage? For the most part yes. We had both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening. I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK
 
Last edited:
Nathan said:
Our perspective changes over time, we are constantly "updating" our memories, every time they are recalled. There were some great times and some really bad times. I enjoyed the great times and learned from the bad times.
I'm glad that I had a beautiful daughter and son, and that God has been gracious in my life. I have a good wife now, she's not perfect but neither am I.
Click to expand...
It's perfect that you recognize imperfection.
 
Marie5656 said:
Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary. He has been gone for 3 years now. Was it a happy marriage? For the most part yes. We gad both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening. I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK
Click to expand...
I'm still married to mine.. 22 years in exactly one months' time... ...he's been gone 15 months
 
MarkD said:


1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?
Click to expand...
Thank you, @MarkD for your questions!

I have been a widow of 9 years. I have many fond memories of our marriage. It worked well because there was love and trust, and we communicated well. We listened to each other, had similar interests, religious beliefs, and values.
MarkD said:

2 - What was/is the best part of that relationship?
Click to expand...
The best part of the relationship was knowing he cared about me and our relationship. He was patient, when patience was needed; he listened, when I needed someone to listen to me, and he supported my creative endeavors. I reciprocated also in many ways. We were like dancers, moving together in an effortless dance, knowing each others' moves and enjoying the process. I used to write poems about our love, and remember writing that it felt as if I were in Paradise.
MarkD said:

3 - Thinking back to its beginning, do you feel you were ready for it when you got together? What learning/growing did it require of you?
Click to expand...
I was in my thirties and he was older. Yes, we were both ready. Thinking about another person besides yourself was an extraordinary way of thinking. It expanded my horizons. I remember when I was with him, I was always smiling. It was easy to smile with him. He made me laugh. Those positive feelings enveloped me, my surroundings, and the people around me.
MarkD said:

4 - Was there something the other person brought into your life that was especially valuable to you?
Click to expand...
His concern about my welfare as well as his religious beliefs being similar to mine was important. We prayed together.
MarkD said:

5 - If you get extra post-relationship innings in your life what aspects would you seek to replace? How did/would all this influence what you look for next?
Click to expand...
Not sure if this question is relevant at this stage of my life.
 
hollydolly said:
1 - If you feel like it worked well, what do you think made the difference. If it didn't, what do you feel you could have done better now?

I should have dug a hole in the garden and pushed him in... 😖
Click to expand...
One lady in Texas did just that. To more than one husband:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...ty_Lou_Beets&usg=AOvVaw3FR8TnoFhLxQycnCarZj4s
Betty Lou Beets, 46, had an ornamental wishing well in her yard near Gun Barrel City, Tex. She used it as a place to plant some begonias, a few petunias — and one husband.
Days before she killed him, Betty had begged her fifth spouse, retired Dallas Fire Department Capt. Jimmy Beets, also 46, to build the well to beautify the property that held her trailer home.
Beets cheerfully went about the task, unaware he was digging his own grave.
He was also blissfully ignorant of Betty's true motive when she insisted some time earlier that he build a shed on the property. She told him it was needed to store stuff that was cluttering the house.

Its real purpose was to conceal the final resting place of husband No. 4, Doyle Barker. When Barker vanished in 1981, Betty told friends and neighbors that the couple had had a fight and he took off, leaving his truck behind, wrote Irene Pence in a book on the case, "Buried Memories."

Betty reported Capt. Beets missing on Aug. 6, 1983, saying he had gone night fishing and never came home. About a week later, people spotted his boat drifting in a lake, empty. Nitroglycerin tablets scattered at the bottom of the boat suggested that he had had a heart attack and fallen into the water.
Beets (seen in 1998) got two of her children to help her hide the bodies and tried to shift the blame onto them before being found guilty.

Beets (seen in 1998) got two of her children to help her hide the bodies and tried to shift the blame onto them before being found guilty. (Texas Department of Criminal Justice/Reuters)
The notorious Black Widow of Texas was born in 1937 in North Carolina, the daughter of an alcoholic tobacco farmer. Betty would later accuse her father and other male relatives of sexual assault.
Her first marriage, to Robert Branson, lasted from 1952, when she was 15, to 1969, and produced six children.
By 1970, the shapely bottle blond had snared another man, Billy Lane. It was stormy from the start — he once broke her nose — and they split less than a year later.
After the divorce, Lane appeared one night at Betty's house. Her story is that he saw her at a bar with another man, flew into a rage, followed her home and threatened to kill her.
His story was that she had called him and begged him to come over. When he got there, she pulled a gun.
 
Marie5656 said:
Yesterday would have been our 21st anniversary. He has been gone for 3 years now. Was it a happy marriage? For the most part yes. We gad both good and bad moments. I think it is unrealistic to believe it will all be lollypops and roses. We made it through the rain, and enjoyed the rainbows.
People who think it will all be perfect are in for a hard awakening. I was briefly advised against the marriage by family as he was twice divorced. But we did OK
Click to expand...
You see, now this is why I don't post here very often. A word is spoken or a phrase uttered and I drop into a black depression. Situations and moments that I've forgotten or succeeded in suppressing come back to carve me up and then I have to try to shake the emotion loose all over again. It only takes a word. "Lolly pops and roses", you said. Jack Jones. Back from Vietnam and wondering if life was worth living, feeling pretty sure that it wasn't. And knowing that your husband is gone is like arsenic on the cake. Please someone .... say something to make all of us smile.
 
Well with me it was not a split up, he died, and to be 100% honest with you, I doubt very much that either of us could have done better, that's not to say that we were perfect there were days where I could have happily set him on fire and I am sure he felt the same way.

He often used to say, that when I went through Menopause it was his Vietnam and he was in Vietnam.:D
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top