I compiled a list of people I encounter when I have sales. I may have posted it before, but I've made revisions. It's more for humor than complaining.
I’ve been attempting to liquidate my mother’s estate on my own by having garage sales. I’ve encountered many “interesting” folks. They are the ones that usually fall into one of these categories:
“The Whirlwinds” – they don’t spend more than a minute at the sale. They walk so quickly around the tables it makes my head spin. It’s like they are desperately looking for just that one extremely valuable thing that's way under-priced.
“The Creepers” – these are the opposite of the “whirlwinds”. It’s like watching a video in slow motion. They pick each item up, look at it from every angle, put it back on the table and stare at it for 5 minutes, them move on to the next item. They spend so much time looking, that I start checking my watch. I feel like charging these slow pokes rent for taking so long.
“The Cheapos” – no matter what price I decide on an item, they expect I’ll give them at least a 90% discount. Will never pay the asking price, even if it's Ming vase for 25¢.
“The Talker” – Is usually an older person. He/she starts a conversation; tells their life story, family and personal problems, about other sales they’ve been to, etc. This is interesting for about the first 3 minutes, then it appears he/she isn’t going to stop anytime soon. I start thinking to myself, “How can I tactfully get them to leave.” The “talkers” usually don’t buy anything; they just want an audience.
“The Silent Type” - opposite of “The Talkers”. I try to make small talk or ask if they are looking for anything particular. Does not respond to any of my conversation. With them it's all business – doesn't say a word until they made a thorough examination of the sale, then it's just “How much?” or they just walk away. I probably seem like “The Talker” to them.
The “Flustered Mom” - They have a minimum of 2 elementary school age kids or younger who, if there are toys and games for sale, proceed to open the box of every board game or puzzle and dump the contents all over the place, throw the toys around, or just stand and screech as their mother looks around. Constant admonitions from mom to behave themselves go unheeded and they continue to make a shambles of the sale. These women usually say they are single moms with a hard-luck story and expect I'll give them things because of that. They finally leave without buying anything, then I have to go around and pick up that 500 piece jigsaw puzzle scattered on the lawn and under the hedge, hoping I've retrieved all the pieces.
“The Complainer” – Looks at everything and has nothing good to say. Either the prices are too high, the quality of the items isn’t good enough for them, or the sale is not arranged the way they like. People like this could find fault with Jesus! If my stuff isn’t good enough or cheap enough for you – just leave. You don’t have to deliver a 5 minute monologue of criticism.
“The Reservists” – They pick out something, then announce they have no money. They want me to “hold” it for them until they can get the cash and return. Two weeks later I'm still waiting for them. Now I set a time limit and (usually 2 hours) and ask for a non-refundable deposit. They usually get huffy about that, but if they aren’t a serious buyer – who cares? They probably had no intention of buying it in the first place, or were just playing one of their garage sale games. Are people that strapped that they don’t even have a few bucks on them? If not, why did they stop?
“The Tycoon” – Usually a 40 to 50-something male. Flashes a big fist of money and announces, “I’m a CASH buyer!” I think, “As opposed to what other means of tender?” They almost never buy and if they do, it some small, inexpensive item so they have an excuse to pull out their wad again to impress you. I think the only person it impresses is them!
The “Director/ Critic” - tells me everything I've done wrong about the sale and/or tells me what to do to make it better. Everyone has a suggestion, e.g.
“You have too many things out - that confuses and overwhelms people.”
“You don't have enough things out to attract customers. Set up more tables and get things out where folks can see them.”
“You should put all items that have the same price on one table.”
“Your sale is too mixed up. You should put similar items on one table like china here and glassware here.”
“Your sign isn't large enough. I almost drove by before I saw it.”
“Your sign is too large. It blocks the street view of your sale.”
“You should paint your sign in red letters instead of black. That would make it easier to see.”
“I see your sign letters are painted red. That makes it harder to see.”
“You should move the tables closer to the road. You have them too close to the house.”
“Your tables are to close to the road. That makes things easy to steal."
Get the idea?
“The Drive-bys” – they slow down and cruise by the sale, go up the block, turn and come back and drive ever so slowly by again, then suddenly zoom off, spraying the tables with road dust and leaving an acrid cloud of vehicle exhaust in their wake.
“The Incontinents” – they don’t buy anything but ask to use the bathroom. I direct them to the nearest convenience store on the corner 400 feet away. They respond emphatically, “I can’t wait!” Makes me wonder why they take Ex-Lax or have a big gulp beverage just before heading out for garage sales.
“The Lazies” – won’t get out of their vehicle. They want me to bring things over to them to look at. I could see this if they were physically handicapped, but I do not see their vehicle marked as such which is required in our state. Are they getting some kind of amusement having me run back and forth? They usually don’t buy anything anyway.
“The Alternative Buyer” (3 subspecies)
1) the ones that do not want what's for sale on the tables, they want the table or tablecloth, or they see something that is not for sale and want it (like the car battery charger in the corner of the garage).
2) the people that choose an inexpensive item, then say, “I'll buy it if you throw this in too.” (picking a much higher priced, valuable item).
3) the ones that want a part of a set but not the whole set. e.g.
Them: "You have a pitcher and tumbler set. How much for just the pitcher?"
Me: "They all go together. $5."
Them: "I only want the pitcher. I'll give you 50¢ for just that."
“The Invaders” – they look around for a minute, but don’t seem interested in anything. They hang around until I'm distracted with other customers, then go into the house or at least into areas they shouldn’t, and start looking around. When I discover them and point out that only the items outside are for sale, they scream, “Are you having a sale or not?” For some strange reason they assume that “sale” means even things inside the house are for sale.
“The Schwarzeneggers” - see things they want, but don't have the money. They say they are going home or to an ATM to get some and announce, “I'll be back.” They never return.
“The Big Wad” – treats me like an ATM machine. Will pick out a really inexpensive item (usually a dollar or less) then hand me a $100 bill. Makes me wonder why they didn’t get small bills and change at the bank if they were going to garage sales.
“The Sticky Fingers” - like to make small, valuable items disappear. They even remove lamp socket knobs or one of a set of something.
“The Traders” - will give anything but money for merchandise. Usually have something to swap like window screens (that won't fit my house) or boxing gloves (which I'd have less use for than the item for sale).
"The Switcheroos" who come in 2 sub-species:
1) The ones that switch price tags when they think I'm not looking or not aware of my own prices.
2)The ones that pick out several items and pay for them. Then seem to change their minds and put something back and pick out something else at a different price. Now how much do they get back or have to pay now. They do this several times until I don't know what they've paid for or what the bottom line is after all the switching.
“The Fake Buyer” This is perhaps the worst kind. They walk around picking up armloads of stuff, getting my hopes up they are going to purchase a large quantity. After about 5 minutes of this, they suddenly dump everything in a pile and walk away. One time I had a lot of framed art prints. On older man came in and looked around. He said he would buy all the pictures if I wrapped them up for him and that he was very particular how they were wrapped. I scrambled to procure large sheets of heavy paper and twine, I then painstakingly wrapped them. He stood right there and watched carefully, not saying a word. Twenty minutes later, when I was all done, he announced, “I changed my mind.” and walked off.
“The Dumpers” - take a box of small items and dump or pull them out of the box and spread them around, but never seem to have the enthusiasm to put the things back I the box. Or some that take items and walk around, then put them back in another place. Sometime if I feel miffed enough, I will confront them about putting things back properly. Some don't say anything and walk away. Some say “It's your sale, you put it back.”
“The Angels” - the rarest and most appreciated customers. They never argue over the prices, have no long stories to tell or any kids in tow (or have well-behaved kids), they have small bills and change, and buy at least $20 worth. They are one in a hundred.
Miscellaneous: One woman I remember picked up some EAPG (early American pattern glass) items and started to walk away. I accosted her and said those items totaled $12. She became very huffy and said, “It’s stuff you don’t want anyway or it wouldn’t be out here, so why should I have to pay ANYTHING?” This may be a sub-species of the “The Cheapo”.
Another man selected an antique caned-seat chair. He brought it over to me. I said. “It’s ten dollars.” He held out his empty hand. I repeated the price. He said, “Yeah, so where’s my ten?” He expected me to pay HIM to take it!
Honestly – I could write a book!
