Why isn't life fair, and how does one cope with that?

Andre Agassi said, "Control what you can control." Words to live by. I would add, put yourself first and make yourself happy. It's not as selfish as it sounds and I spent a lifetime not doing it until I realized it was better for me, anyway.
 

I keep this on my desk:

Desiderata - Words for Life​


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann, 1927
hollydolly said:
you know Remy.. that you and I both had terrible pasts.. horrible childhoods etc.. and later bad things happen because of bad people, and I used to think like you , that there's no such thing as Karma... but... in the last while,I realised that those who have caused me the most grief, and upset.. have had things happen to them that only a higher power could have created.. ..for example, long drawn out painful illnesses,,,or deaths.. or other issues in their lives ..not something I've wished on them, but it's happened anyway.., and by seeing that now, and having lived my life never seeking revenge on those who have caused my suffering.. I feel like my mother used to say to me.. ''never seek revenge, God can see, and he will seek revenge for you ''...that seems to be the truth

It took me a long time to realise this was happening..probably because it took so long to occur, so I thought they'd got away with all they'd done to me... but I'm starting to believe I was wrong.. and some people are getting their Karma...

...so Remy.. chin up, back straight.. you're a good decent person, and I believe someone more powerful than us has your back... 🤗
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I am so glad you have moved forward so I could "meet" you. Learning how to put painful situations in a box and stuffing them in the back of the closet isn't easy but it must be done so we don't let yesterday define today or tomorrow.
 
Magna-Carta said:
I think the human mind, whether that is consciously or subconsciously, is always in search of patterns. Some might see patterns that aren’t there, based in part on assumptions, and an accumulation of long established assumptions. Some might see patterns that truly exist, and can immediately see them. Some might never see the true patterns right in front of their faces. The majority are somewhere in between.

We can shape our own destiny, in part. However, some obstacles can’t be removed. For example, discuss those unmovable obstacles with someone with a serious personality disorder, or someone from the ghettos of say, Poland. Tell them that they can turn things around, and their future fate could become bright.

Saying that ‘life is not fair’ could be someone in search of a pattern. It could also be someone who resigns themes selves to their true reality. And perhaps a reality that can’t be changed by themselves alone. Emotional complexities that arise from facing difficult situations could also ‘make’ us say, life is not fair. Some people’s lives are far fairer than others, it seems. Some people are not always able to empower themselves, due to circumstances out of their control. Something that they might not ever be able to control. There should be empathy for others when thinking about these things.

There is no divine “plan”. In my mind at least, for me to think there is some kind of plan would mean I looking for a pattern that isn’t there. I don’t see any tangible evidence of a plan. A personal plan will come up against obstacles. Some we can get around or get over the top of. Some we can blast through. Some we can’t get through even with considerable help from others. I would say that life is neither fair nor unfair. Life is what it is. As individuals, we have to try to make the best of it. And personally 'grow' with it
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Yes, it seems to have a lot to do with expectations. When the reality doesn't match the expectation, then we may conclude that it isn't fair, but perhaps we had the wrong expectation, or we should have none at all, but I think it is the nature of all animals to have expectations. That's how they survive.
 

Gaer said:
With every thought, word and action, man produces waves of influence in the atmosphere.
Every moment of life produces an influences which rebounds back to you , even through thousands of years.
If a man is suffering now, it is from a result of his own action that he at one time spread suffering to others.
This was all explained and agreed prior to the birth on the earth, but we often don't remember.
Yet, the soul requests to be born again on the earth. Begs to born into suffering ,illness, deformities, pain. Why?
Each lifetime brings the possibility to bring one closer to the eternal bliss of God.
If one has experienced the glory of God even for a second, nothing else matters except to feel this again.
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I am sorry and respectfully do not agree with you.
I don't believe my soul begs to be born into suffering.
 
Gaer said:
With every thought, word and action, man produces waves of influence in the atmosphere.
Every moment of life produces an influences which rebounds back to you , even through thousands of years.
If a man is suffering now, it is from a result of his own action that he at one time spread suffering to others.
This was all explained and agreed prior to the birth on the earth, but we often don't remember.
Yet, the soul requests to be born again on the earth. Begs to born into suffering ,illness, deformities, pain. Why?
Each lifetime brings the possibility to bring one closer to the eternal bliss of God.
If one has experienced the glory of God even for a second, nothing else matters except to feel this again.
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I'm not disagreeing with you here, as I have no way to verify those claims, however, I would certainly be interested in how you know it with certainty (Aside from feelings of course). I too have beliefs regarding energies, but I don't assert them as anything I know. It is just experiential conclusions. I am always interested in how other people know things though.
 
bobcat48 said:
I love nature, and I figure that it has learned many lessons about survival, and I could benefit from those lessons, if I just pay attention.
The trees develop a thick bark to protect themselves from outside elements. They sink their roots deep so they stay well grounded (Those that don't, topple). When the storms of life come, they bend and flex to avoid breaking. They keep their branches open to the sun and sky for nourishment, and they also provide shade and shelter for those that need it. I try to remember those things in my life when I have time to reflect.

I also think there is a renewing energy in nature, and that's why so many go there hiking, biking. camping, kayaking, etc... It restores the depleted energy in the soul. There is even a name given to the lack of it called "Nature Deficit Disorder". Before we learned to build homes, nature was home to us, and perhaps there is something imprinted in our DNA that knows we need that from time to time, to just soak up the energy and feel restored. It works for me anyway.
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This is why i chose to retire to a rural house, on outskirts of very small town. To be close to nature. It informs my mind and nourishes my soul.
 
officerripley said:
I'm grateful that there's only one life to struggle through.
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Back in 1955, my mother, aged just 33, contracted tuberculosis and within three months she was dead, leaving my father with four small children all under the age of ten. Life was hard, tough and brutal but we got through it. It wrecked Dad's health, but not his spirit. Dad raised his children alone, not only that, back in 1955 our welfare state was still in it's infancy. The authorities tried to have us put up for adoption, my Dad was having none of it. He fought tooth and nail to keep us together. His courage and fortitude still motivates me to this day. Dad went on to live a full life, he died at 92.

The experience did have some bearing on my siblings and I. Two of us have no children, the youngest had an only child and the third born had two.
 
horseless carriage said:
Back in 1955, my mother, aged just 33, contracted tuberculosis and within three months she was dead, leaving my father with four small children all under the age of ten. Life was hard, tough and brutal but we got through it. It wrecked Dad's health, but not his spirit. Dad raised his children alone, not only that, back in 1955 our welfare state was still in it's infancy. The authorities tried to have us put up for adoption, my Dad was having none of it. He fought tooth and nail to keep us together. His courage and fortitude still motivates me to this day. Dad went on to live a full life, he died at 92.

The experience did have some bearing on my siblings and I. Two of us have no children, the youngest had an only child and the third born had two.
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Sounds like your Dad was a remarkable man with great courage and fortitude. You couldn't ask for a better role model.
 
Quote from post #1
"It seems that our brain is always trying to make sense of what happens in life, and if we don't know the reasons, then many feel that someone or something must have a plan"

At some point in our lives if mentally capable we begin comparing our lives to what we see happening. The why of a life of misery or a life of relative good IMO has no real answer.

I question as pointed out in the post many feel that someone or something must have a plan. Is that realistic?
 
One thing that doesn't help with the unfortunate fact, as pointed out above, that some people behave horribly toward others and never get their comeuppance, is that there are sociopaths/psychopaths born amongs humans from time to time, those people that are literally born without the capacity to care about others. (Some are abused into being like that but it appears that some people are born that way; researchers have even pinpointed the section of the brain where empathy is formed and it just doesn't connect in some people's brains.) Anyway, the at-least 25,000 years (some researchers think it was closer to 50,000 years) that humans spent in the hunter/gatherer societies was keeping the number of sociopaths down since even with a genius-level IQ, you couldn't get away with as much sh*t living in close quarters like that. Then once agriculture and some other stuff took hold, people started living more apart from each other, and bam, the age of the sociopath had arrived.
 
hollydolly said:
I feel that describes me... ever more thicker metaphorical skin with each lightening strike.. .... when the storms comes I ride them... and have never gone under, ..altho' how that has happened, I don't know.. just thankful it hasn't... especially when I see people destroyed by the slightest breeze..

There's one drawback to this.. in real life I'm constantly referred to as 'strong''... ''you can take it''...you're strong....

People tend not to see the wood for the trees sometimes....
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The part in bold. So true. Having been in that person, hiding my own youthful struggles fairly well and often stepping up for others, tho perhaps that was partly to distract from my own issues....i try to ask people who are in a difficult or painful situation if there is anything i can do to help no matter how 'strong' they seem, because we all need support at some points in our lives.

i follow their lead as to what they need from me even if i think i know them well. (Have a sister who is an aggressive 'helper', thinks she knows what is best for everyone, and often makes things worse.). Sometimes, we just need someone to listen as we work thru it. Other times we need someone to just sit with us, or take us someplace they know we feel safe or comforted.
 
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We expect life to run perfectly everyday, easy and fun. We all know that isn't how it goes. But you know what? For most of us we have a lot of good moments compared to the bad.

Look at this scenario. Your 15 year old dog passes away, you are beside yourself with grief. "It was too soon!" "It's not fair!". Yet you were blessed with 5,475 great days full of wags, love and joy. Which way does the scale tip?

Even things like ten years in a bad marriage, or dealing with an illness. Those are fractions of time out of a full lifetime.

Please don't get me wrong, sometimes something happens that's just so awful it changes us forever. But even a catastrophic event doesn't necessarily mean life has been unfair to you, likely there were many good days to add up.

Or maybe I'm just trying to put a positive spin on a challenging existence.
 
Many have struggled with this question before. To me, suffering is also standing helplessly by watching what Russia is inflicting on Ukraine, (trying not to get too political). We have much to be grateful for if only we open our eyes.

That means letting go of the past so we can fully appreciate all that exists right now. In this way, we live in harmony with nature, always changing. We open ourselves to all that the present moment has to offer and do not struggle against the current of impermanence.

https://www.goodnet.org/articles/how-to-cope-suffering-according-buddha
 
C50 said:
We expect life to run perfectly everyday, easy and fun. We all know that isn't how it goes. But you know what? For most of us we have a lot of good moments compared to the bad.

Look at this scenario. Your 15 year old dog passes away, you are beside yourself with grief. "It was too soon!" "It's not fair!". Yet you were blessed with 5,475 great days full of wags, love and joy. Which way does the scale tip?

Even things like ten years in a bad marriage, or dealing with an illness. Those are fractions of time out of a full lifetime.

Please don't get me wrong, sometimes something happens that's just so awful it changes us forever. But even a catastrophic event doesn't necessarily mean life has been unfair to you, likely there were many good days to add up.

Or maybe I'm just trying to put a positive spin on a challenging existence.
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The parts in bold---
Firstly, some of us learn early life is full of risks, challenges and pain. But i learned early that the more responsibility i took for my words/actions and any consequences thereof the better i was able to cope with the rough parts.

Secondly, the real point if 'positive thinking' is not looking at life with rose colored glasses, finding silver linings or manufacturing a 'positive' spin on unpleasant experiences. The point is to 1) learn the skills to survive and thrive in spite of those negative events and 2) that includes gaining the perspective to trust ourselves to cope, and not forget the good parts or the good people we encounter.

This is why i've been known to describe myself as a realistic optimist or pragmatic idealist. I know the chasm that exists between our reality in this world and what we would like it to be, but that has never stopped me from trying to reach the other side, help others reach it or be grateful for experiencing doses of that ideal even if briefly.
 
Jamala said:
I am sorry and respectfully do not agree with you.
I don't believe my soul begs to be born into suffering.
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GOOD! I'm glad you said that as it brought to my attention I will need a much more clear explanation of this in my new book!
Thank you! Once this is explained in full, you and everyone will understand!
All I ask now is that you keep an open mind and not bury yourself in institutions or belief systems that may not be right for your soul.
Thanks, @Jamala!
 
officerripley said:
One thing that doesn't help with the unfortunate fact, as pointed out above, that some people behave horribly toward others and never get their comeuppance, is that there are sociopaths/psychopaths born amongs humans from time to time, those people that are literally born without the capacity to care about others. (Some are abused into being like that but it appears that some people are born that way; researchers have even pinpointed the section of the brain where empathy is formed and it just doesn't connect in some people's brains.) Anyway, the at-least 25,000 years (some researchers think it was closer to 50,000 years) that humans spent in the hunter/gatherer societies was keeping the number of sociopaths down since even with a genius-level IQ, you couldn't get away with as much sh*t living in close quarters like that. Then once agriculture and some other stuff took hold, people started living more apart from each other, and bam, the age of the sociopath had arrived.
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Good points. The Native Americans had no locks on their Teepees, no written laws, and no jails, but they had no crime, for the very reasons you pointed out. If you were found to be a danger to the tribe, that's it. You were either dispatched, or banned from the tribe.
 
bobcat48 said:
I'm not disagreeing with you here, as I have no way to verify those claims, however, I would certainly be interested in how you know it with certainty (Aside from feelings of course). I too have beliefs regarding energies, but I don't assert them as anything I know. It is just experiential conclusions. I am always interested in how other people know things though.
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You are on a path to God through refined perception of the aliveness of nature and seeing the underlying beauty of everything.
This is a wonderful path. My path is devotion. There are so many ways to reach God.

I've been admonished many times for expounding my knowledge on the forum. These are not "claims", "theories" or "opinions". This is truth.

You asked a question and I answered it.
 
Gaer said:
With every thought, word and action, man produces waves of influence in the atmosphere.
Every moment of life produces an influences which rebounds back to you , even through thousands of years.
If a man is suffering now, it is from a result of his own action that he at one time spread suffering to others.
This was all explained and agreed prior to the birth on the earth, but we often don't remember.
Yet, the soul requests to be born again on the earth. Begs to born into suffering ,illness, deformities, pain. Why?
Each lifetime brings the possibility to bring one closer to the eternal bliss of God.
If one has experienced the glory of God even for a second, nothing else matters except to feel this again.
Click to expand...
Agree to large extent tho i would word some of it differently because my concept of God is not shaped by the Abrahamic scriptures.

I have a clear between life memory of discussing my proposed parents for this incarnation with my guides. The father suited me but the mother's emotional neediness gave me pause. I was told i could choose to wait but i decided he was worth it. I learned even from his flaws and he gave me the tools to survive dealing not only with Mom but with a lot of other problems and problematic people in this incarnation.

Again, during my NDE i was given the choice of coming back into this life and seeing it thru or letting go and later reincarnating again. Almost a half century later despite many 'challenges' i don't regret that choice either.

All that said i can only relate what has worked for me and would not tell anyone else what is best for them.
 
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I admit to a childish belief that once something bad has happened to a person, nothing else terrible should. I guess I've accepted the fact that into each life some rain must fall, but it's the people who seem to constantly live under a cloud that I find myself saying for,"It's not fair!"

Someone mentioned Christopher Reeves, shortly after he died from that tragic, random fall off a horse, his wife died of lung cancer, although she had never smoked. Her son had to lose both parents before he was grown and watch each one go through a long, painful struggle. No child deserves that.

No, I don't believe in karma. I Just think of all the cold case crimes, where some murderer killed a nice young woman, then went on and lived a happy life for the next fifty or sixty years and died before he was found out.
 
feywon said:
Agree to large extent tho i would word some of it differently because my concept of God is not shaped by the Abrahamic scriptures.

I have a clear between life memory of discussing my proposed parents for this incarnation with my guides. The father suited me but the mother's emotional neediness gave me pause. I was told i could choose to wait but i decided he was worth it. I learned even from his flaws and he gave me the tools to survive dealing not only with Mom but with a lot of other problems and problematic people in this incarnation.

Again, during my NDE i was given the choice of coming back into this life and seeing it thru or letting go and later reincarnating again. Almost a half century later despite many 'challenges' i don't regret that choice either.

All that said i can only relate what has worked for me and would not tell anyone else what is best for them.
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I am not familiar with "Abrahamic scriptures". I have no religion.
If I did, it would probably be closer to the Vedic, or Sanskrit, the Gita. but no.
 

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