Is falling in love a conscious choice you make?

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
.... or does it just happen organically and biologically?
It seems that even if you decided to walk away from a relationship, the love you feel can still exist independently from the choice.
Elvis sang "I can't Help Falling In Love With You". Erasure sang "Victim Of Love".
Is it as simple as that?
Is it like a spell we are under?
Does it just sneak up on you when you're not looking?
 

In a relationship, a woman shows you she's happy and you like that response and you get hooked on that. It means a lot because it makes you feel a purpose in life.

Women then spend all their time trying to convince you that it's love. Then when it's over, they stop trying to convince you. That's why it seems like it happens even when consciously you're not aware of it. And the feeling you're left with is a longing to feel purpose once again.
 
bobcat said:
.... or does it just happen organically and biologically?
It seems that even if you decided to walk away from a relationship, the love you feel can still exist independently from the choice.
Elvis sang "I can't Help Falling In Love With You". Erasure sang "Victim Of Love".
Is it as simple as that?
Is it like a spell we are under?
Does it just sneak up on you when you're not looking?
Click to expand...
It could just "sneak up on you". I went on a blind date in 1953, married the young lady in '56 and we will be married for 68 years come next February.

No real planning on our part. The credit goes to my cousin who arranged the date.
 

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I don't think it's planned. I think it just happens. and you can be madly in love someone and break up with them and never stop loving them to an extent. When I was in my 30s I am certain I found my soul mate. But because of who and what he was it was never to be. But there is a part of me that will forever love him. Sometimes when we fall in love with someone, we have fallen for the person they are with us. They touch a place inside of us. Love like that just can't be shut off.
 
We met through people we worked with. He was just coming out of a failed marriage, wasn't looking to get hooked again, I was coming out of a lovely romance which wasn't meant to happen. Wrong time and wrong country. We went out twice and bang, all the stars fell into place. We decided to elope and that was in 1966 and were married for 49 years until his passing.
And YES bobcat - It did sneak up on us. Everybody said it wouldn't last, but we proved them wrong. The old song, "Some Enchanted Evening, you may see a stranger, across a crowded room" always reminds me of our romance. "Once you have found her never let her go", now I'm becoming all sentimental.
 
bobcat said:
.... or does it just happen organically and biologically?
It seems that even if you decided to walk away from a relationship, the love you feel can still exist independently from the choice.
Elvis sang "I can't Help Falling In Love With You". Erasure sang "Victim Of Love".
Is it as simple as that?
Is it like a spell we are under?
Does it just sneak up on you when you're not looking?
Click to expand...

Hmm...??

I wonder, at what point does love start? Can the exact point be identified? Might it initially start with liking some aspect or aspects of someone, which then starts it turn into infatuation, perhaps? Might it then move into something that happens in one's subconscious, that might move it forward, or not.

What then causes certain chemicals to be released to the brain (oxytocin & others?), and would that cause a sense of being under a spell? At that stage is there also something in the subconscious that is always assessing compatibilities; does the subconscious deliberately overlook some of the possible incompatibilities? A kind of kind of human evolutionary process, just for furthering the survival of our species.

If it's a kind of automatic subconscious process, at what point does it become a conscious process, if at all? At what point does love become a conscious decision to help and support long-term commitment?

What might biology play in it all
 
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RadishRose said:
Oh come on Bob, is it a conscious choice to "fall" off a cliff?
What's the key word here? :ROFLMAO:
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That's really interesting. Some years ago a woman I had become friends with after about 6 months wrote me a letter explaining that she had become very self-conscious when she was around me, and after a long ramble in her letter felt that she was about to jump off a cliff with her following statement, and wasn't sure whether she could jump or not.

She said after long thought, she had decided to close her eyes and jump off the cliff, then she said in her letter that she was in love with me.

UPDATE: I thought why the hell did it need a two page letter? Was she kind of gently easing me into the idea, protecting herself from any possible rejection? :)

Anyway, after a further two years, we became engaged.

I might have become in love with her before she with me. Did I just admit to that? :rolleyes:
 
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RadishRose said:
Oh come on Bob, is it a conscious choice to "fall" off a cliff?
What's the key word here? :ROFLMAO:
Click to expand...
Ha ha. Good point. I guess I would think that falling off a cliff would be more instantaneous, whereas falling in love would be more gradual, that as infatuation grows, you keep moving forward till it becomes something deeper we understand as love. But even so, it may be something we have little control over.
 
bobcat said:
Ha ha. Good point. I guess I would think that falling off a cliff would be more instantaneous, whereas falling in love would be more gradual, that as infatuation grows, you keep moving forward till it becomes something deeper we understand as love. But even so, it may be something we have little control over.
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At this age, I don't care about any of that stuff anymore. But guys seem to never stop. If you're in a slow-motion fall, enjoy it.
 
There is no simple answer to this question, Bobcat, is there? How and why people fall in love with each other is different for each of us. I can only answer for myself.

Sexual attraction is driven by hormones and affects how you feel when first meeting each other. You can become infatuated and get swept away by desire. It feels great, but it has little to do with loving someone or actually being “in love.”

As your relationship progresses, you make the decision about whether you're in love. To genuinely be in love, you have to be in love with who they are as a person, not what they do for you or what they offer you at the moment.

You build that love by building trust and through intimacy, consideration, and ongoing affection. Being in love involves making a commitment. It's when two people declare that they are dedicated and loyal to one another. They form a bond over time, and together, they face all that comes their way. Long-term, enduring love is a choice that they make and protect through their everyday actions.

I don't know if this actually answers your question, but that's my nickle.
 
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I don't think it a conscious choice. My attraction to my partner was initially based on physical attraction. Then, when we talked for hours during our first date it began. We were supposed to go to a movie, but we never made it. I was taken in by his quiet demeanor, intelligence, compassion and our emotional connection.

We met in September 1991 and moved in together in October 1991. We are still together, and I still love him for the same reasons. I am thankful every day that I have been so fortunate.
 
Very much so lest one is vulnerable to enormous emotional pain since love between human genders requires a mutual trusting attitude of two people. Accordingly many just do so shallowly habitually for the sake of lust, seks, and pragmatic life styles. Over time due to neural plasticity, they may develop an increasing inability to love deeply, even if they think they want to. A reason as a young adult after much casual secks with women for mere pleasure, I rejected continuing that course in life and am very glad for such despite being as yet unfulfilled otherwise due to circumstance.
 
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I can't explain it, but it sure isn't conscious in my experience.

The right look can get me to 1, kind words can take me to 5, any physical contact no matter how small can get me to 10, more intense contact rings up a score of 25, but getting fully to 100 takes something I cannot explain.

"Friends with benefits" doesn't actually push the mark far above 25. And I've arrived at 100 before with no "benefits" involved whatsoever. That one was just never going to advance toward a bonded pair, married or otherwise. The end of that was still very painful.

I think getting above 35 and on the way to 100 may have a biochemical component though. Not just in each person, but somehow passed between them. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it is probably a hazard to the relationship for that reason. Maybe you have to be reinfected regularly to avoid being cured? :ROFLMAO: Er, at least until you have a chronic case?
 
DaveA said:
It could just "sneak up on you". I went on a blind date in 1953, married the young lady in '66 and we will be married for 68 years come next February.

No real planning on our part. The credit goes to my cousin who arranged the date.
Click to expand...
if you married in 66... that's 58 years not 68...(y)
 
Bella said:
There is no simple answer to this question, Bobcat, is there? How and why people fall in love with each other is different for each of us. I can only answer for myself.

Sexual attraction is driven by hormones and affects how you feel when first meeting each other. You can become infatuated and get swept away by desire. It feels great, but it has little to do with loving someone or actually being “in love.”

As your relationship progresses, you make the decision about whether you're in love. To genuinely be in love, you have to be in love with who they are as a person, not what they do for you or what they offer you at the moment.

You build that love by building trust and through intimacy, consideration, and ongoing affection. Being in love involves making a commitment. It's when two people declare that they are dedicated and loyal to one another. They form a bond over time, and together, they face all that comes their way. Long-term, enduring love is a choice that they make and protect through their everyday actions.

I don't know if this actually answers your question, but that's my nickle.
Click to expand...
Excellent points. The dynamics of love has fascinated people and psychologists for decades, and even the neurochemicals that are produced are intriguing. But calling love an interaction of brain chemicals doesn’t quite describe how it can warm your heart and captivate your soul.

I think we sometimes perceive love feelings as uncontrollable, but it seems that we do exert some control by decisions we make in being open to it, or distraction and avoidance to shut it down. Sort of a love regulation decision. From my point of view, infatuation is most intense at the beginning but fades rather quickly, and either interest fades, or attachment and commitment begins to take hold. Attachment is an important component of love, and it seems to me that while we may have little control over infatuation, we do have more control over attachment. At first, it's a mutual attraction, but through consent, it can evolve into love over time.

Through personal reading about emotions, I found that emotions always follow thoughts. In other words, you can't have an emotion without having it preceded by thoughts. Therefore, it stands to reason that if you can change the way you think about someone, then you can change the emotions you feel for them. For instance, if you begin to feel they are just using you, then you begin to feel different towards them. However, I think that often this can change the intensity of the emotion rather than eliminating it.

Many seem to think that the feelings of love are involuntary and uncontrollable, and it may indeed feel that way. But it is well known that emotions can be regulated by generating new emotions. For instance if you are in love with someone, and they cheat on you, then that love can change to very negative feelings by cognitive reappraisal or reinterpreting. Focusing on the positives of a person increases the emotion, and focusing on the negatives decreases it.

In the long term, I think any relationship can get stale if new activities and experiences aren't brought into the relationship, such as just having fun together doing something new or exciting (Perhaps a different colored wig ;)).

So over time, if one begins to feel bored or unfulfilled, then the thoughts begin to subtract from the emotion. However, if they focus on the wonderful qualities of the relationship, then those thoughts increase the emotion.

So there's my nickel. I suppose putting them together makes ten cents, or ten sense, or tense scents ;).





;);)
 
bobcat said:
Excellent points. The dynamics of love has fascinated people and psychologists for decades, and even the neurochemicals that are produced are intriguing. But calling love an interaction of brain chemicals doesn’t quite describe how it can warm your heart and captivate your soul.

I think we sometimes perceive love feelings as uncontrollable, but it seems that we do exert some control by decisions we make in being open to it, or distraction and avoidance to shut it down. Sort of a love regulation decision. From my point of view, infatuation is most intense at the beginning but fades rather quickly, and either interest fades, or attachment and commitment begins to take hold. Attachment is an important component of love, and it seems to me that while we may have little control over infatuation, we do have more control over attachment. At first, it's a mutual attraction, but through consent, it can evolve into love over time.

Through personal reading about emotions, I found that emotions always follow thoughts. In other words, you can't have an emotion without having it preceded by thoughts. Therefore, it stands to reason that if you can change the way you think about someone, then you can change the emotions you feel for them. For instance, if you begin to feel they are just using you, then you begin to feel different towards them. However, I think that often this can change the intensity of the emotion rather than eliminating it.

Many seem to think that the feelings of love are involuntary and uncontrollable, and it may indeed feel that way. But it is well known that emotions can be regulated by generating new emotions. For instance if you are in love with someone, and they cheat on you, then that love can change to very negative feelings by cognitive reappraisal or reinterpreting. Focusing on the positives of a person increases the emotion, and focusing on the negatives decreases it.

In the long term, I think any relationship can get stale if new activities and experiences aren't brought into the relationship, such as just having fun together doing something new or exciting (Perhaps a different colored wig ;)).

So over time, if one begins to feel bored or unfulfilled, then the thoughts begin to subtract from the emotion. However, if they focus on the wonderful qualities of the relationship, then those thoughts increase the emotion.

So there's my nickel. I suppose putting them together makes ten cents, or ten sense, or tense scents ;).
Click to expand...

Well, flip my wig. 🙃 It looks like we're on the same page. Fancy that. No matter how you figure it out, what's important is that it adds up. 😉
 
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