Who should I name in my will?

dilettante said:
Not to butt in on your family's relationships, but... :ROFLMAO:

If there is any way to repair this one isn't now the time?

I know this isn't of the same scope at all, but I've been wavering for 3 years trying to swallow some pride and take a risk at getting in touch with a former friend and repairing that lost friendship:

Here is an example of how something silly can do a lot of damage. I knew this guy since college days. He stood up with me at my wedding. I built a new home not far from him and I still live in the same town.

But there was a week long fishing trip to the lakes not far from Wawa, Ontario. It was rough because there was a lot of discomfort sleeping on rock, every day was hot brutal sun, the giant mosquitos provided the only shade, we barely got one nibble on a line, and he nearly capsized our canoe within 40 feet of two adult moose with a calf. And then we had that long, long, long ride home. Plus he put one of my music cassettes in wrong and the dash player ate it.

Once we got back we've never spoken again more than just once, at a high school event we both had kids in.

Looking back on lost time I am kicking myself. But then there is the future to consider as well.
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Yes...@dilettante....NOW is the time for reconciliation with my son. I honestly don't know how he feels or what he thinks (other than politically and I don't agree with him at all). I really don't even know him any more. Maybe he feels I don't care about him because I don't contact him either. It's not true but I've distanced myself from him because of his political beliefs that he's tried to shove down my throat every time we have communicated.

He also has had misunderstandings about situations that took place when he was growing up but he's never wanted to discuss it, so I just left it alone. It's been a broken relationship for such a long time and I'm not sure how to go about mending it...if that's even possible.
 

Oldntired said:
I’m in a very similar situation. My husband died January 8th. We don’t have any siblings, children, or close family members or friends to leave anything too. So, we made a list of our favorite organizations and designated a % that we want to give to each organization. We also requested that any non perishable food be distributed to the food pantries around our town (I think we have three).

I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband. I never in a million years thought there would be so much paperwork and phone calls involved in settling a deceased spouse’s affairs. I’m sure you experienced the same thing. It’s exhausting.
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I'm so sorry for your loss :( It's be overwhelming, to say the least, and I can empathize with what you've been going through. I hope you've had support from family and friends. (((HUGS)))
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I don’t know who you should leave your money to but if it’s family, don’t intentionally leave someone out.
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I had originally thought that I wouldn't leave my son a dime. I've been hurt and angry to a point with him that I've never been able to count on him for any kind of help or support during times that I've needed it. However, I'm sure an estate attorney will advise me to leave something so no one can come back and claim I left them out. I plan to see an attorney soon.

I'm so sorry about your dad :( It's a difficult time, isn't it? (((HUGS)))
 

Colleen said:
I had originally thought that I wouldn't leave my son a dime. I've been hurt and angry to a point with him that I've never been able to count on him for any kind of help or support during times that I've needed it. However, I'm sure an estate attorney will advise me to leave something so no one can come back and claim I left them out. I plan to see an attorney soon.

I'm so sorry about your dad :( It's a difficult time, isn't it? (((HUGS)))
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For shizzle.
 
Lara said:
Your husbands kids: Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds as if your husband's 3 kids have no love for you nor for your husband when he was alive, nor you for them.
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Sad, but true. My husband loved his kids very much and even ended our relationship in 1982 when his ex just up and left PA and took the kids to CA and never told him. He quit his job in PA and moved back to CA to be near his kids. He was so concerned that they wouldn't be cared for by her (because she was a drunk) that he left me in PA to be with them. We never saw each other again until 1997 and that's when we got married. His kids always came first.

It hurt him deeply when his middle son cut ties with him. I haven't even heard from him.

When we moved to AZ in 2014, his oldest son and daughter and her husband were living in CA. His daughter, who "runs" her brother and husband's lives, decided she wanted to move to our town in AZ...to be near her dad. It took her husband 3 1/2 years to leave CA and move to AZ. He didn't want to leave CA at all but she insisted. We did see them almost every weekend and I always made Sunday dinner for us. I never looked forward to that time with them but it made my husband happy so that's what we did.

However....I hated the way that his son and daughter belittled him all the time they were there. They are "know-it-all's" and they never took any advice about anything from their dad. He was such a kind and forgiving man that he never said anything. He use to say he didn't know where he went wrong. I told him he did what he could while they were growing up but he never actually "raised" them. He was their weekend babysitter while his ex went out drinking.

I think they cared about him but they never knew him. I resented the way they talked down to him. It made him feel like he was stupid, which he wasn't. They were. I've tried to like them but it's been difficult and especially now because they're showing me that they don't really care about me either.
 
Here's my view.

First in regards to family, be it biological or in laws or step kids. If people are not apart of your life here and now you owe them nothing. Passing an inheritance to your son or step children will not suddenly make them love and respect you, or your deceased husband. Denying them an inheritance isn't punishing them, it's simply an admission that there was no relationship and they don't deserve your gratitude.

If I was in your situation and truly felt I had no one I would find deserving receiptants. Know a family that has always struggled? Help them. How about a neighbor with a couple of cute and polite kids, direct money to them for college or set up a college scholarship for a kid that meets your criteria. Have a neighbor that gives you rides, direct money to them so they can buy a new car.

I have a friend that used to mow his elderly neighbors lawn, the man passed and left him the house, he had no clue that was going to happen. It changed my friends life, he was able to retire early and take care of his wife as she battled cancer. His gratitude for that gift was beyond words, if you could do that for someone deserving you will leave this world a better place.
 
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I like the ideas given here about giving each offspring a token so that they can't contest a will. Beyond that, unless your husband specifically voiced to you that he wanted his kids to inherit his estate, I wouldn't have any heartache at all willing everything to food banks, charities, and other places I mentioned in my original post.
 
C50 said:
Here's my view.

First in regards to family, be it biological or in laws or step kids. If people are not apart of your life here and now you owe them nothing. Passing an inheritance to your son or step children will not suddenly make them love and respect you, or your deceased husband. Denying them an inheritance isn't punishing them, it's simply an omission that there was no relationship and they don't deserve your gratitude.

If I was in your situation and truly felt I had no one I would find deserving receiptants. Know a family that has always struggled? Help them. How about a neighbor with a couple of cute and polite kids, direct money to them for college or set up a college scholarship for a kid that meets your criteria. Have a neighbor that gives you rides, direct money to them so they can buy a new car.

I have a friend that used to mow his elderly neighbors lawn, the man passed and left him the house, he had no clue that was going to happen. It changed my friends life, he was able to retire early and take care of his wife as she battled cancer. His gratitude for that gift was beyond words, if you could do that for someone deserving you will leave this world a better place.
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Great advice! Thank you.

I've always felt guilty about not leaving my son anything. Well, actually, I did give him a lot of things that belonged to my parents and me when hubby and I moved to AZ in 2014. I also have a large tote in the basement with his name on it filled with mementoes. I figured he could do what he wanted with it.

The guilt comes from when my mother died. She left me a small monetary gift but gave her house and everything in it to the next door neighbor lady. I know how hurt I felt and I didn't want to carry on that "tradition".
 
CallMeKate said:
I like the ideas given here about giving each offspring a token so that they can't contest a will. Beyond that, unless your husband specifically voiced to you that he wanted his kids to inherit his estate, I wouldn't have any heartache at all willing everything to food banks, charities, and other places I mentioned in my original post.
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He did not have any wishes to leave his kids anything in particular. We were always on the fence about it and that's why we waited on making a will. You always think you "should" leave your kids something even if you don't really want to.

I like your suggestion of "token" gifts to them and the rest to the food bank or local animal shelter. I'll keep this in mind when I talk to an attorney. Thanks :)
 

Who should I name in my will?​


Colleen, lovely girl, see a lawyer, have them draw up an undisputable, uncontestable thing in your will leaving a never ending supply of ice cream to me, and, if I snuff it before you, then the ice cream should be distributed to all the members here, but only one spoonful each per week. 😊
 
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Love @C50 s ideas. Since my nephew suffered a vaccine injury that caused autism in 2002, and due to my mom's autism advocacy, I've gotten to know so many families who struggle financially due to a child with a disability. In most cases only one parent can work while the other cares for the child (regardless of age) so daily life expenses are a challenge and there's always the worry about not saving enough to provide for the child once the parents are gone. There are so many in this situation whose lives would change with a legacy.
 
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I think that @CallMeKate's idea of willing some to food banks and other charities is a good idea. I was thinking the same thing as I read through the replies, even before I read her reply. Charity Ratings and Donor Resources | Charity Navigator rates various charities and lists the percentages that go to administrators and what actually goes to their causes. I also like the idea of willing some to your friends who can use it.

I also agree with @C50's reply: "First in regards to family, be it biological or in laws or step kids. If people are not apart of your life here and now you owe them nothing." That being said, after consulting your attorney and following your heart, you'll likely make the right decision. And if you decide later that you didn't you can always update your will.
 
btw, just had mine redone, and here in Florida, I was advised to specifically disinherit anyone who might wish to make a claim. Leaving them a token amount opens the estate up to claims of "old man Buckeye promised me the Facebook stock", etc.
 
Colleen said:
As many of you know, my husband died unexpectedly in October. We were planning to make our final arrangements and have a will made after the first of the year (2024). However, that didn't happen. I've had so many decisions to make in the last couple months that I've felt overwhelmed at times and just didn't have the energy to tackle one more thing like getting my final arrangements settled and getting a will made. Now, it's been on my mind a lot lately and I need to get this done.

My problem is with a will and who I should put in it. I've had a rocky relationship with my only son. He's 47, not married (as far as I know), and lives 40 miles from me here in PA. I haven't seen him since hubby and I moved to AZ in 2014. He never calls or texts. The last time I got a text from him was when I let him know that my husband had died.

Then there's hubby's 3 kids. His oldest son lives in AZ in the town we lived in. He doesn't call me or text either. I don't have any contact with his middle son. He cut his dad out of his life years ago because his wife didn't like us. His daughter and her husband drive for FedEx and they're on the road all the time so I don't really have much contact with them. Their home base is also AZ. She and I have "tolerated" each other all these years for her dad's sake but now that he's gone, I'm sure that relationship will eventually end.

I have (1) remaining cousin in MI that I still have contact with. We haven't seen each other in years but we keep in touch on FB. I have good friends that hubby and I had when we lived in another town. They were our neighbors and we've (I've) known them since 2008. They visited us when we moved back to PA from AZ and they've been to my house a couple times since hubby passed.

Other then that, I don't have anyone to put in a will. I was an only child so no siblings.

What would you do? Who would you designate as a beneficiary on your bank accounts? I have no idea.
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Our senior center/community center often has someone come in and explain wills and trust. You might enjoy attending a group explanation.
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I have several people I visit and they have all gotten rid of everything. It is called downsizing. One son takes the dresser, a daughter takes the set of dishes. Move into retirement living with a bed, couch, and dresser and enjoy the dining room downstairs and the activity program.

No one wants what I have. I have my grandmother's doll, my mother's doll, my dolls, my daughter's doll, and a granddaughter's doll and no one wants them. I also have old books that are very meaningful to me. I wish the dolls and books would go to someone who really wants them. I assume everything will go to a second-hand store, just to get the apartment empty.
 
Myquest55 said:
As for friends - I have a couple of gals that I know (and have been good friends over the years) who have a LOT less than I do. I would love to share something with them but a gift of cash could make them ineligible for some benefits. If that doesn't matter to the people you know, of course you could name them as a beneficiary.
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A gift of a used car could be very helpful. While the blue book value will remain low, all the old parts can be replaced and the motor and transmission can be rebuilt. Old cars can have problems, but being without a car can be worse than dealing with a $500 blue book car that is ignored by the bean counters. If your friends have cars, maybe some repairs would be helpful and not counted.
 
CallMeKate said:
Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here knowing it most likely won't be a popular answer... but I've read your post and have concluded that what I'd personally do is name one or several places like food banks, homeless shelters, a church, library, arts center, etc. instead of people who've had nothing to do with me, related or not. I really don't know about things like this, but would an estate attorney be able to carry out your wishes as far as bank accounts, etc.? If this isn't even something that can be done, I reserve the right to delete my response. :giggle:

Edited to add: I've heard of people setting up scholarships as well... that would go on for years. Or hospice/hospital gifts, etc.
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We ran into a variation on the situation that Colleen expressed except it's including one 'best friend child' and an estranged daughter and her two kids. Our lawyer said every child has the option of contesting wills and we didn't want to set up a fight between our two kids. So we gave about 50% of our estate to our best friend child and the other 50% we divided up five ways between the estranged daughter, her two kids and then a couple of favourite charities.

We also included a letter that laid out our feelings about the upbringing and the relationship with that estranged adult child as well as a print out of her final text to us where she advised us that she was going to cut us out of her life with no explanation of why. We figured that she's a lazy person so would be less likely to fight for 'her share' if she got something and for the sake of a deciding judge, her text would likely be the clincher to following our dictates.

Maybe there's some ideas in there for Colleen to use to make sure her estate goes where she wants it too.
 
UPDATE:

I appreciate all the feedback I got from you and I wanted to let you know that I took some of your sage advice (except @timoc...haha). I did a lot of thinking about what I should do so this is my decision:

I have an appointment this coming week with an estate attorney to discuss what I'd like to do. I've made a list of charities I'd like to leave money to as well as donating my (new) car to a worthwhile cause in my area. I'm also leaving my friends that I mentioned a sum because they have been loyal for many years and still are. They would be here in a minute if I needed them so I wanted to leave them a small appreciation gift.

As far as my late husband's kids and my son....well, they will all share equally in nothing (except if I have to leave them a dollar each so they can't contest the will). I haven't heard from any of them, except Jennifer, because she wanted to tell me what she would like to have and what her brother would like to have. She wants the gun safe that was a gift to her dad years ago and her brother wants the guns in the safe. Mind you...he hasn't called or texted me once since his dad died to see if I'm OK nor has he asked me personally if he could have the guns.

Since those guns are not named in a will of my late husband's, they legally belong to me, so, yesterday I took them to a local gun dealer and he is having them appraised for me. I also told him I'd like to sell the safe. I don't feel obligated to give them to his kids. My husband offered those guns to his son many times but he turned them down. Now, he wants them? I'm going to be the wicked step-mother, I guess.

I feel at peace with this decision and I know my husband would approve.
 
Keep in mind if any of those kids contact you asking for things or the promise of things you have no obligation to share information. You don't need to tell them you have sold things and you don't need to tell them what is in your will. The only answer necessary is "those are my things to do with what I want".
 
C50 said:
Keep in mind if any of those kids contact you asking for things or the promise of things you have no obligation to share information. You don't need to tell them you have sold things and you don't need to tell them what is in your will. The only answer necessary is "those are my things to do with what I want".
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Thank you. I appreciate the affirmation. I've always tried to keep peace with them as long as their dad was alive but now I don't feel like I have to tolerate them any longer. I always resented the way they talked down to their dad.
 
Same here, I have one son and the relationship is horrible after I divorced. I have a paid for home and an investment portfolio. And absolutely no one to leave it to. At present a friend of my is on my will. If I die she will be in for a pretty nice surprise... haha.. I am 71 and never would have thought it would be a problem giving away money. But, it is a major problem for me now.. I bet there are many many here in the same boat.
 

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