I’ve never felt like this before.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
(Devin’s Facebook post from many years ago)
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Catastrophic, devastating grief and loss, and the hollowed out gutted feeling that accompanies that, has left me feeling vulnerable and fragile in a way I have never felt before.

I’ve had hardship in my life, things that have been difficult to come back from, times when I had lost myself and didn’t believe I would ever find myself again. But I’ve never felt like this before. Like I will break if I’m not careful. I’ll shatter at the slightest provocation. Like I will curl into a fetal position ball for any reason. And yeah, I guess I feel all those things because each has happened, numerous times, and show no signs yet of easing off.

Sometimes I feel somewhat functional, and other times I can barely breathe, the simplest task becomes formidable, I am scattered and distracted and can’t even finish a sentence.

But there’s another part to this, one that feels contrary to that fragile, vulnerable feeling. I’ve experienced the worst possible thing that can ever happen to me. Nothing that will happen in the entire rest of my life will equal or even come close to the impact that my sweet boy’s death has had on me.

As a result I’m unmoved by things that previously would have felt threatening or dangerous. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t take chances that I previously would not have, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that my reaction to things has changed. A “Who cares? Bring it!” kind of mindset.

When you’ve experienced the absolute worst thing that you can ever envision happening to you, the most terrifying, incomprehensible, unimaginable thing, well then everything else pales, becomes of no consequence, is immaterial by comparison. That’s just the way it is.
 

@Ronni I can't imaging all you've been through, but it seems to me that all you are feeling now makes sense. Your love and your bond was strong, may Devin rest peacefully. The who cares mindset is understandable too, along with your other emotions.

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing and what you're feeling. We sincerely care about you. Sending you love, warmth, light and peace dear lady. Hugs, my friend. 🧡

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oldman said:
Ronni—-Please stay strong. We are all thinking about you and hoping you will get well soon and get back to being the real Ronni again
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@oldman i know you are being kind with this statement, and hoping for the best for me, but there is no possibility I will return to who I was before my son died.

I am the “real Ronni” now, just as I was my authentic self before Devin left us. THAT reality didn’t include being a bereaved parent. This now, the fact that I am the mother of a dead child, is my impossible new reality, the real me NOW, and the anguish and agony of that will never leave me. I will hopefully, with time, grow around that pain, but there is zero chance I will ever return to who I was before Devin died because there is zero chance my sweet boy will ever be returned to me.

It’s akin to suggesting that someone who has lost a limb will once again because the real them after they grow a new limb.
 
Ronni said:
@oldman i know you are being kind with this statement, and hoping for the best for me, but there is no possibility I will return to who I was before my son died.

I am the “real Ronni” now, just as I was my authentic self before Devin left us. THAT reality didn’t include being a bereaved parent. This now, the fact that I am the mother of a dead child, is my impossible new reality, the real me NOW, and the anguish and agony of that will never leave me. I will hopefully, with time, grow around that pain, but there is zero chance I will ever return to who I was before Devin died because there is zero chance my sweet boy will ever be returned to me.

It’s akin to suggesting that someone who has lost a limb will once again because the real them after they grow a new limb.
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Love and admire you. 💚
 
Dear Ronni, Devin is upset by what he has put you through
and is looking after you and wishing that you could calm
down a bit, if he could, he would come to you and apologise,
but he can't, if you can get just a little bit calmer, he will stop
worrying so much about you.

We are all hoping that you will come back a little bit, I for one
know that it will never be the you, that we all know, but we will
still love you, the new you, just remember.

Mike.
 
Hi Ronni,
I felt that way after losing my mother and my home in the same year, within two months of each other. Sometimes I really wanted to comiit suicide.

To say I did not have a good support system is a gargantuan understatement. I did search for support, certainly did, but I had no health insurance except sucky Medicaid and if you're on Medicaid, you will not get access to care UNLESS they are politically motivated to give it to you. That's how it is my in my state.

This is part of why I'm always ranting about how sucky Journalism has become where I live, and in other places. Because good journalism can inspire politicians to change their evil ways, but if reporters are only covering sports and restaurants, innocent people will be ignored when they are harmed. I see it happening repeatedly where I used to live, and I have learned to ignore it because there is NOTHING I can do to make it change.

The boot heel is where it is in my state, and there is NOTHING one person can do to change that. There's also very little even large groups of people can do to get the boot heels off the necks of the marginalized.

But, I have gone off into remembering those bad times of great loss. Now I need to bring myself back to this present moment and your own devastation.

I am a GREAT believer in surviving one hour at a time in these terrible times. You have other reasons to be here, right? You have other people you have to show up for, right? And I mean good people, not the schmucks in your world. Your other children and your grandchildren. So cry when you need to cry, stay in bed all day and sleep if you have to, watch movies all day and eat junk food if that is what you need to do for a day.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

Also, it sounds like the other thing you are going through is being NUMB - not feeling much of anything anymore. PLEASE FIND A THERAPIST TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR GRIEF. Please. I know it's not easy to find one these days because they are so booked, but PLEASE search for a therapist or a grief support group.

If you can afford this (it's $300 a month), they always seem to have enough therapists because they do everything by virtual therapy so they have a nationwide network. https://www.betterhelp.com But it is about $3,600 a year, so it's not for the poor.

https://www.griefshare.org/findagroup These usually meet at various churches.

Get some books on grief, too. "We read to know we're not alone." - C.S. Lewis. Books can also help.

I hope today is a good enough day. The "upside" about being NUMB is that one can actually work and function in that state of being. That is the only upside . "I'm numb, I'm a zombie, but yeah, I can do my job." Let's face it, many jobs do not require one to be emotionally present. You just show up and do the work.
 
Several people have expressed concern about my original post, that they feel like I may be in crisis, suicidal, unstable, etc. I have had a great deal of difficulty so far articulating my current mindset to my counselor and my support groups, both in person and online, and clearly I’ve done no better here if folks are overly concerned. It’s hard to find the right words.

Im not experiencing any suicidal ideation. I'm not entertaining carelessness or recklessness. It’s honestly the opposite. I am way more careful now in situations where I might put myself at risk, because I can’t bear the thought that something might happen to me, not for me, but because it would put my children through more hell than they are already enduring. It would wreck them.

Thats why I’ve re-committed to getting my health back on track, as one of several examples. I absolutely refuse to put my children through any more trauma for as long as I can possibly stave it off, and losing me or having me be in a serious accident or come down with a life threatening illness will all but break them.

I don’t say that to sound special or superior, I just recognize how much I mean to them (as they do to me) Enduring the abuse and mental torture we all lived with at the hands of my ex forged a bond between us even greater than a typical maternal bond. Bonds forged through trauma are extra strong.

When I say we’re a close family, that’s what I mean. So no, I’m not in crisis…well not anymore than would be typical for a mother who has lost a child suddenly and without any prior warning.

When I say who cares and bring it, I mean that I’ve already experienced the worst thing that could happen so whatever life has to offer now, whatever trials or tribulations, it can’t hurt me, it’s trivial by comparison, it’s not important in the scheme of things. I just don’t react to things the way I used to because those things can’t possibly have the same import any more.

So please be reassured those who are concerned for me. I’m a mess, but I’m not going anywhere and not going to do anything precipitous.
 
@Ronni I did not mean to imply that you were feeling suicidal. I was just talking about a time in my life when I was. I was quite numb and overwhelmed with sorrows in those days. I was just trying to tell you that you are not alone.

I'm now remembering those times, and how no one cared about me at all. I now totally understand how so many people fall into homelessness, and how our society, generally speaking, doesn't give a **** about them. Indeed, our society actually enjoys having some Scapegoats.

Just remember, those who have the gold make the rules. No matter what you believe about America, any nation, or any state, that is all that matters: money. People don't matter one bit.

I also understand how police officers simply shoot and kill people going through mental health crises. TIME IS MONEY. They don't have time to help someone in crisis, nor do they have training, so the quickest end to anything is with a GUN. (I know this is random, but it's based on yet another killing by police of a young person in a mental health crisis that I read about today.) They always remind me of my ex-husband or some men I have known. They have no time to listen, not enough compassion for anyone to hear anything, so they shoot off their mouths like GUNS and "kill" anyone they don't want to hear.

Some people think that "family" is the solution to all of these hard times of sorrow and mental crises. I disagree. If every family contained a lawyer, a doctor, and a psychiatrist, then sure, I'd say that maybe that family is well-equipped for all the sorrows life can throw at them. Maybe you have a super-strong family and they really can heal you? IDK. But they have lost someone too.

I hope you have a good day today. I'm sorry if I don't sound particularly supportive. That is not my intent - my intent is to tell the truth of sorrow. I'm not going to lie and say, "Everything will be fine." I cannot predict that for you or me or anyone.

My only prediction is, "Today will be 24 hours long."
 
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@Ronni

Dear Ronni, I have no words to say how you must feel or what you should do.
I cannot imagine it. I wish I could be there to hug you.

I have two sisters who each lost an adult son.
One to suicide, the other in a car accident.
They each coped in different ways and eventually they came back to living life without them in their lives in their own way.

You will find yours.🤗
 
Only someone who has buried their child can even begin to understand the hole in your heart that you are feeling. I have, although under different circumstances. My son died at age 17 after 15 years of illness. Your life will never be the same, not necessarily better or worse …. Just different. You will gradually stop missing his presence so much but will always wonder how things would be if he was still here. Welcome the good memories. Avoid the bad when possible and, in time, it becomes possible if you allow it.

It takes time and the hole in your heart will never be completely filled but it will get better if you let it. Your grief will lessen over time if you let it. Know that it is not disloyal to his memory to allow yourself to heal.

I once met a couple whose daughter had died under tragic circumstances 15+ years previously but who spoke of it as though it had just happened recently. Obviously it has remained forefront in their every day lives and that it over shadowed all else, even their other children. We don’t ever get over some grief but we must allow ourselves to get THROUGH it. They had become stuck and could/would not move on.

Grieve in your own way and at your own pace but do not allow his death to become your life.
 
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