It’s been a year since Devin died.

[Ronni]

I don’t cry every day anymore, but I crash into that loss at random times, so I can’t manage a week without tears. Sometimes they’re quiet and soft, other times (in my car so I don’t disturb anyone) I scream till I run out of breath.

I’m fundamentally changed. Though it’s been a year, his death/that loss/my grief continues to be woven into my now. I lose him every day, sometimes many times a day. It’s a loss that rearranged my world. It affects everything I do, all the things I experience, the way I view life. So many things that used to be important just aren’t, anymore. I’ve lost the sense of frivolity and silliness I used to have. I’m still learning how to participate in my life, connect with others outside of my immediate family, be social.

My life’s become sharply delineated. There will forever be a before, and an after. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully learn to fit missing him into living. The realization that he’s gone hits me randomly. The world stops then, when that vicious reality crashes into me.

My grief has no end, no timeline. It ebbs and flows, it’s a continuum. It will always be that way. It can’t be fixed. It’s not a problem that has a solution, a disorder that has a cure. Grief isn’t a visitor. It’s my constant companion, and the other stuff that comprises the rest of my life just sort of sneaks in when the grief backs off. I have a low hum of fear that is another constant, the fear that this day will take another loved one away from me.

Every morning I have to step back into this world from which my boy is forever missing and some days it’s almost impossible to stretch myself to fit that world, the world he’s no longer in.

I’ve posted more here recently in these months after Devin’s death, and I know I seem to be getting back to “normal” because I work at it. You don’t see all the spaces in between when I fall apart, scream, rail at the world, sob till I’m hoarse. For my own sanity, I keep that private.

Think of Devin today, will you? And send positive vibes, love and light, prayers, to his siblings. They are struggling just as I am, each in their own way.

 

[hearlady]

Yes, I will think of you and Devin and your family with caring thoughts today and say a prayer.

 

[Remy]

So sorry Ronni.

 

[LadyEmeraude]

I am thinking of you today Ronni and of your family, caring thoughts
and prayers from me to you~

 

[hollydolly]

I'm astounded it's been a year, Ronni.... time just goes so fast for those of us who have't suffered a great loss in our lives.. 12 whole months for you, without the love of your life.. and he looks so very much alive in his photo...

Thinking of you, and your precious son.. today.. continue to rest in peace, free of your demons dear Devin...

 

[CallMeKate]

Thinking of Devin today. And sending hugs for you and his siblings.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Sending lots of love and light to your family . Two of my friends lost their children many years ago and both say that the grief lessens with time but never stops completely.

 

[C50]

Such a heart breaking loss, I'm very sorry for the grief you and your family has experienced.

 

[Texguy]

Very Sorry

 

[RadishRose]

Offered prayer asking for peace to be sent to you, @Ronni.

 

[Dustbunny]

Our thoughts are with you and your family @Ronni.

 

[Murrmurr]

My niece lost her youngest son a little over 2 years ago. He was only 34, a fun-loving, hard working, very healthy guy with a young son and a beautiful wife. His death was totally unexpected.

His mother still grieves. The holidays are especially difficult...very emotional times for her. She barely makes it through his birthdays, often staying in bed until late afternoon or trying to nap every couple hours....she just wants to check-out on those days.

Fortunately, her husband is a great guy, and her two older sons are gentlemen who love and respect their mom, and still feel the grief as well. So, she gets lots of support and understanding, and they all honor Marc's memory.

 

[Jules]

Your heartbreak and love are so clear, Ronni.

 

[chic]

Of course I will send all the positive thoughts I have to you both, Peace @Ronni

 

[ohioboy]

Love to you and family and friends Ronni.

 

[Babs2u]

Thank you for sharing that beautiful photo. He will always be part of you. Bless you.

 

[Della]

Oh Ronni, that picture. He's a handsome young man and must have been an adorable little boy with those big round eyes and that sweet smile. Your heart must feel like it's ripping apart when you look at it.

I'm praying that a "peace that passes understanding" will come over you, Ronni and help you go on with less pain.

 

[Mike]

Oh dear, Ronni, he looks so happy in the photo,
I can understand your grief, I hope the next year
will be a little easier for you.

My prayers and thought are for you and Devin.

Mike.

 

[Pepper]

(((Ronni))) and her (((beautiful boy)))

 

[Pinky]

I think of you often, Ronni, and feel the depth of your sorrow. As a mother, I can only imagine how unbearable the loss of a child would be.

Wishing peace and love to you and your family.

 

[911]

Ronni—-I am sorry for your loss. I’m sure he must have been very special to you. Why things like this happen is beyond most of us. In many instances there are no answers It’s great that we have good memories that help to sustain us and keep us going.

I miss my parents each and everyday. At first, it was a battle to get through the days, but somehow we learn that we are very resilient and can go on.

I wish you well and hope the best for you.

B