Do life's trials build character?

At the tender age of 19 I had my first child who was born with a neurological condition called hydrocephalus. This was traumatic for me, though I suppressed my feelings for many years. What followed has been a nightmarish existence with doctors, hospitals, operations, deterioration and new scary symptoms. He is now 59 and has round the clock care (free! thank you California!). but this has all affected me adversely. People tell me I'm strong but I'm just pretending. I hate when people talk about how great it is to go through stuff like this bc it "builds character."

"Any idiot can get thru a crisis, it's this day to day living that'll kill you.--Mark Twain(?)
 

My grandma was the strongest woman I ever knew. Her youngest son, my uncle said the only time he ever saw her cry was when he had to break the news that we had lost our youngest child. Then knowing her she would have wiped her tears away and prepared to have him drive her to our house with enough clothes for a few days. She knew how badly I would need her strength. She raised me and I loved her so much and miss her every day since she went to her reward.
 

mrstime said:
My grandma was the strongest woman I ever knew. Her youngest son, my uncle said the only time he ever saw her cry was when he had to break the news that we had lost our youngest child. Then knowing her she would have wiped her tears away and prepared to have him drive her to our house with enough clothes for a few days. She knew how badly I would need her strength. She raised me and I loved her so much and miss her every day since she went to her reward.
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mrstime said:
My grandma was the strongest woman I ever knew. Her youngest son, my uncle said the only time he ever saw her cry was when he had to break the news that we had lost our youngest child. Then knowing her she would have wiped her tears away and prepared to have him drive her to our house with enough clothes for a few days. She knew how badly I would need her strength. She raised me and I loved her so much and miss her every day since she went to her reward.
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Do life's trials build characters?​


Mrstimes' story proves to me what l was thinking, that character is what defines one when going through trials.
 
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Rose65 said:
If so, I should be bursting with it!

Seriously, I have faced a lot and got through and ok I must have grown and matured as a result to a certain level.
However, I also feel utterly drained and weak. You can bet if one bad thing happens, more will pile on before you can rise up again. I am now more anxious about everything.

Do you feel stronger after adversity?
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Absolutely!! As the Turkish proverb says " Too much sunshine creates a desert"
 
hollydolly said:
Well I don't feel stonger after a particualrly hard time, but of course it makes me more aware that it can happen, and therefore I'm prepared after the intial shock of whatever caused the angst or upset...for the next time

I have been through a tremendous amount of horrible things in my life, suffice it to say if I wrote it all here most people wouldn't believe it happened to just one person... and I suppose that it has made me stronger..people are forever saying to me '' you're strong you can take it''.. that's clearly the Vibe I give off in real life.. and people are wrong...I just obviously hide my sensitivities very well.... sadly to my detriment at times..

There's a saying about cars which never work properly even from brand new and that is that ''it must have come off the assembly line on a Friday afternoon''...

I think I must have been made on a Friday afternoon....:sneaky:
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@hollydolly As you know, I’ve been through a great deal as well and I HATE that stupid saying. “You’re strong you can take it”. 🤮. No, no I can’t take it, I am tired of taking, and why don’t people ever ask you how you feel about what happened or what is going on instead of assuming, because you’ve dealt with shit your whole life-you can just keep on dealing with shit.

I, for one, am very tired of dealing with shit and I know, sorry but I know, you are too.

I heard Jelly Rolls new song “I am not Okay” right before my first VA exam for PTSD. As I left I told the interviewer if she wanted to know how I felt, listen to that song. Course she didn’t want to know and she didn’t care. It’s a job to her. On my second VA interview for PTSD, I was upset to have to go over it again, but I did.

On my 3 dang interview with the VA for PTSD, I told the interviewer give me benefits or not, but I was never going to do an interview again. I told the interviewer that so many interviews about stuff I did not want to talk and had not talked about for 57 years was repeatedly traumatizing me and I wasn’t doing it again. Repeatedly asked if I was suicidal by the interviewers, I realized these interviews certainly made me want to kill myself.

So tired of stupid people.
 
Marcy Sheiner said:
At the tender age of 19 I had my first child who was born with a neurological condition called hydrocephalus. This was traumatic for me, though I suppressed my feelings for many years. What followed has been a nightmarish existence with doctors, hospitals, operations, deterioration and new scary symptoms. He is now 59 and has round the clock care (free! thank you California!). but this has all affected me adversely. People tell me I'm strong but I'm just pretending. I hate when people talk about how great it is to go through stuff like this bc it "builds character."

"Any idiot can get thru a crisis, it's this day to day living that'll kill you.--Mark Twain(?)
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I had a pre adopt baby that had hydrocephalus, eventually we found out he was born without a brain, only a brain stem. I know your pain. Thankfully, for him, he died at 12 months. I think of him often. Our disabled children don’t build character in us, they build heartache.
 
Rose65 said:

Do life's trials build character?​

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Of course it does but I don't think the majority understand what character is. Life's trials forces you into situations over which you might dominate or be subdued. "Character" isn't a positive thing, it just is. Everyone has character.
 
I like to think that I have character. I have to admit, however, that I have had an easy life. I can't quite reconcile these two, except to hope maybe that by reading a lot I've learned how to build some elements of whatever it is that makes for character.
 
HermitHogan said:
"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" was wrong. "whatever doesn't kill you makes you weaker and will come back and kill you."
— Norm Macdonald
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Whatever doesn't kill you leaves you with a set of decisions to make. You’ve been buried alive. With you is a shovel, a comb, and your fingernails. What are you going to do?
 
Inept said:
Of course it does but I don't think the majority understand what character is. Life's trials forces you into situations over which you might dominate or be subdued. "Character" isn't a positive thing, it just is. Everyone has character.
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Oh I know some people who have no character, definitely not! They don't learn and have nothing much to say.
True character to me is wisdom, humility and an awareness of lessons learned.
 
Marcy Sheiner said:
@jujube I have a friend who says, "That which doesn't kill us makes us stranger."
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There is some truth in that. Sometimes early difficulties result in a course change we could never have foreseen but wouldn't have welcomed if we had known what was coming. As a result we feel strange even to ourselves at least for a while. For me that happened in my early mid twenties, long enough ago that the way I had been before is the part that now feels strange or at least less welcome. For the best result, when the adversity stems from what we are doing or how we are, it should be met and dealt with fairly. Winning doesn't always mean pushing through unchanged.
 
feywon said:
My perspective is that adversity, as well as 'good' experiences, shape our character, for good or ill depending on how we process and internalize those experiences. Not only how we describe (think and feel about) them but what we feel we've learned from them.

This is part of why siblings, even twins, may view their shared childhood hardships and adventures very differently. The same external circumstances that nurture adaptability and resilience in one might in another foster a need for control of their environment. Folly since we live in this world with billions of other people and their institutions. And we can only control (and it can take effort to do so) ourselves.

That said, like all of us, i have difficult moments. Over the years i've learned that i get thru them sooner and better if i can define why they are difficult for me, put a label on what i'm feeling, while letting myself actually feel it. Becomes much easier to let it pass, not overwhelm me.
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I’ve long liked that sentiment as expressed in this song

 
Aneeda72 said:
@hollydolly As you know, I’ve been through a great deal as well and I HATE that stupid saying. “You’re strong you can take it”. 🤮. No, no I can’t take it, I am tired of taking, and why don’t people ever ask you how you feel about what happened or what is going on instead of assuming, because you’ve dealt with shit your whole life-you can just keep on dealing with shit.

I, for one, am very tired of dealing with shit and I know, sorry but I know, you are too.

I heard Jelly Rolls new song “I am not Okay” right before my first VA exam for PTSD. As I left I told the interviewer if she wanted to know how I felt, listen to that song. Course she didn’t want to know and she didn’t care. It’s a job to her. On my second VA interview for PTSD, I was upset to have to go over it again, but I did.

On my 3 dang interview with the VA for PTSD, I told the interviewer give me benefits or not, but I was never going to do an interview again. I told the interviewer that so many interviews about stuff I did not want to talk and had not talked about for 57 years was repeatedly traumatizing me and I wasn’t doing it again. Repeatedly asked if I was suicidal by the interviewers, I realized these interviews certainly made me want to kill myself.

So tired of stupid people.
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I feel for you. I had one too many pysch interviews for PTSD throughout the end of my career and after. Thankfully our benefits are not tied to these requirements, but for those that are, ouch!

But you are right. The same dam questions over and over and over. You can tell them the same answer each time, but guess what happens next time? Yep same question.

I remember one time a Military Psych asked me why I seemed upset that day. I told her it's because I keep coming to these sessions, but nothing changes and nothing your doing helps. She responded 'so you think your smarter than me'? I said clearly yes, cause the very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time. Asking the same questions is no different.

It's because they knew I was fine, not suicidal, depressed or traumatized, but still they dig and almost try to make you feel that way. I came to terms long ago with my actions in my personal life and anything I have done in the military, it's these dam questions that make things worse!

I found that once I went to an outside the Military psych, it was better. They were normal people, realists, not brainwashed read the program pyschs!

Actually had good talks and laughs with a good pysch in Ontario. He engaged in Philosophy talk/discussions most of our sessions...it was more like friends meeting once a week.

I am also glad you stood up and set it right. You are right, too many stupid people.
 
All trials do is harden the area(s) in the brain that feel joy and pretty much anything else. That has been my experience.
"Oh you're so strong!"
No, I don't care.
 

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