Her anger might affect her health.

G

GP44

Member
We don’t really fight but we argue a lot.
Like the other day she said she wanted to take some fishing gear along while we were making a short visit to in-laws.
I sat in front of the house for 10 minutes and then drove through the alley to pick up some of the needed gear.
I thought about how she had just gotten a bigger bag to put terminal gear in and I was going to ask her about it but she came out of the house angry saying “why don’t you answer your phone.”
I told her I have to go back inside the house because there was something we need but after being yelled at so angrily I had a hard time remembering what it was.
I found her bag and we started off and I mentioned that I had a hard time remembering what I needed from the house and we were lucky that I didn’t forget her bag. I turn my phone down so it doesn’t bother her when she naps.
That set her off even more and accusing me of starting fights.
I am not mentioning this for sympathy but to show how angry she gets over nothing all of the time.
Days later she has an appointment to see her doctor to try to get her blood pressure medicine regulated and she tells me that what causes part of her high blood pressure could be because she is always upset.
The arguments mean nothing to me but I am getting concerned that all of the nagging and anger is causing her to be in bad health?
I wish there were a way that she could get over being so upset and angry all of the time and I actually do realize that it really doesn’t have anything to do with what I do or don’t do.
It isn’t healthy for her to have this problem but I know that suggesting that she see someone about it would just set her off more because she can’t ever see that it is really her problem.
 

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You know what? Anger gets the best of us sometimes. I've been personally angry about a lot of things but too embarrassed to share. Just today my husband got angry with me. He told me he doesn't want to speak with me for a while. I just have to suck it up and eventually I'll let it go. Just a part of life, I guess.
 

Fritz said:
It almost sounds like maybe she is suffering from anxiety. Perhaps in a calm moment you might maybe see if she wants to look into it.
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It is a real catch 22 because she sees me as the cause of everything.
Even talking about it would probably just cause her to have more anger issues.
I really don’t know who I could turn to who would see this as the problem that it is but I will think about it a lot.
All I know is that you can’t please someone who doesn’t want to be happy.
It’s like being angry is one of the joys of her life.
 
My late husband was like an M-80 with its pin pulled. Not at all physically violent, but could go off over nothing at given moment. He had never done drugs or smoked. He had completely stopped drinking after his heart attack, so that wasn’t the issue, although he was much less argumentative.

I agree with @Fritz, there is some sort of anxiety. If you have been together for a long time, has she always been like this but perhaps getting worse as time goes on?

The fact the two of you always argue, sounds as if one or both of you may not be that happy in the relationship and it is knawing at her.

An intervention would be good, but probably won’t happen as most people with any sort of serious issue never recognize it in themselves.

Much for you to think about, including whether or not the two of you might be happier apart.
 
Paulina said:
You know what? Anger gets the best of us sometimes. I've been personally angry about a lot of things but too embarrassed to share. Just today my husband got angry with me. He told me he doesn't want to speak with me for a while. I just have to suck it up and eventually I'll let it go. Just a part of life, I guess.
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my parents would argue and call each other swear words and not talk for a while off and on over the years.
 
GP44 said:
It is a real catch 22 because she sees me as the cause of everything.
Even talking about it would probably just cause her to have more anger issues.
I really don’t know who I could turn to who would see this as the problem that it is but I will think about it a lot.
All I know is that you can’t please someone who doesn’t want to be happy.
It’s like being angry is one of the joys of her life.
Click to expand...
hmm...is she pretty hateful when she gets like that? my mom started getting angry and hateful a lot as she progressed into dimentia.
 
Imogene said:
My late husband was like an M-80 with its pin pulled. Not at all physically violent, but could go off over nothing at given moment. He had never done drugs or smoked. He had completely stopped drinking after his heart attack, so that wasn’t the issue, although he was much less argumentative.

I agree with @Fritz, there is some sort of anxiety. If you have been together for a long time, has she always been like this but perhaps getting worse as time goes on?

The fact the two of you always argue, sounds as if one or both of you may not be that happy in the relationship and it is knawing at her.

An intervention would be good, but probably won’t happen as most people with any sort of serious issue never recognize it in themselves.

Much for you to think about, including whether or not the two of you might be happier apart.
Click to expand...
Yes she has always had some anger issues but not to where I worried about it affecting her health.
That might be part of the problem that I didn’t see it as anything serious before.
There is no chance that we could separate at our age.
During the times that she is calm she is a very good wife and I really think that we are good for each other - generally.
 
Fritz said:
hmm...is she pretty hateful when she gets like that? my mom started getting angry and hateful a lot as she progressed into dimentia.
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So sorry about your Mom!
I hope that isn’t our case. She had a cousin that had dementia for a long time before she died. Thanks for the suggestion I never would have thought of that.
I just thought of who I might talk to about it.
We have had the same general practitioner for many decades and he is a very good guy and Doctor and he cares a lot about us.
I might mention it to him and see what he thinks.
Thank you for your concern.
 
She very well could be suffering from some dementia because she does get confused sometimes.
I will try to keep that in mind although I don’t know how anyone deals with that type of situation.
You know this is exactly why I joined this forum - so that I could talk to people like my wife’s and my general age.
We don’t have anyone our age that we socialize with and she has never considered joining the senior group here in town although I suggested that it might be good to compare problems with other seniors.
 
High blood pressure causes some people to rage. So does high blood sugar and excessive use of MSG in food. She urgently needs to get her BP and blood sugar checked.

I saw a diabetic acquaintance turn into a raging maniac once. The paramedics tested her blood sugar and it was over 500. A few hours in the ER and she was back to her usual (unpleasant) self but at least not raging.
 
GP44 said:
She very well could be suffering from some dementia because she does get confused sometimes.
I will try to keep that in mind although I don’t know how anyone deals with that type of situation.
You know this is exactly why I joined this forum - so that I could talk to people like my wife’s and my general age.
We don’t have anyone our age that we socialize with and she has never considered joining the senior group here in town although I suggested that it might be good to compare problems with other seniors.
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You've got a great group of people here for whom actually cares for your well-being and concerns. Please keep that in mind.
 
GP44 said:
Yes she has always had some anger issues but not to where I worried about it affecting her health.
That might be part of the problem that I didn’t see it as anything serious before.
There is no chance that we could separate at our age.
During the times that she is calm she is a very good wife and I really think that we are good for each other - generally.
Click to expand...

I understand. It is complex.

Life with my husband could be two steps forward and one backward today, then one forward and two backward the next day.
 
Thinking back I am starting to see the signs of dementia.
Right after she yelled at me and I went back in and got her bag she was standing beside the car with some things that she wanted to deliver to the in-laws and I said “just stick it in the car anywhere” and instead of just opening the side door for the back seat she followed me around to the back compartment and there was some water that I had spilled earlier and she didn’t want to put her stuff in there.
I told her that I had said just put your bag in anywhere and she said that I said that she had to put it in the back.
We had a few words about what I had said.
I feel so bad now because I just didn’t understand.
I thought that she was just getting to where she wanted to argue about everything that I had been saying.
That had happened so much lately where I will say something and she will argue that I didn’t say that but that I said something else.
Thank You so much for all of the answers and helping me to understand what she must be going through.
 
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jujube said:
High blood pressure causes some people to rage. So does high blood sugar and excessive use of MSG in food. She urgently needs to get her BP and blood sugar checked.

I saw a diabetic acquaintance turn into a raging maniac once. The paramedics tested her blood sugar and it was over 500. A few hours in the ER and she was back to her usual (unpleasant) self but at least not raging.
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She had been diabetic for a very long time and wears a monitor.
She does a very good job of controlling her diabetes.
I will try to keep an eye on that too just in case she starts getting confused about it.
So many things to watch for now.
 
They were discussing something similar in the online church group yesterday.

Feelings Follow Focus

When we constantly ‘chew’ on little things that aggravate us they eventually become our major focus and change our view of the people around us, our situation, etc…

The key is to shift the focus to the more important areas of our lives and let go of the petty nonsense that seems to pile up and effect our view of life.

Other than being supportive, I’m not sure that there is anything that you can do to change another person’s outlook or focus.

🤗
 
Wow, it could be any number of these things. Have you asked her why you make her so mad? And then tell her you are not trying to and how can you help. Give her a chance to talk to you when things are calmed down. Let het her talk as saying it out loud can make it clear to herself that it's not fair and maybe something is wrong.
 
Certainly, anger affects one's health big time. A lot of anger can cause blood pressure to fluctuate wildly at times, which is not good for the heart. It also affects one's ability to reason, so the brain can go wild as well with the stress.

I, like my grandmother, have a quick temper, and when I get going, watch out. I am paying for that today, as my B/P is unstable, as is my heart rate.

There is no doubt, she needs anger management therapy. Only then, you may find out the cause of all this angst.
 
Old age and the maladies associated with it are the reason old folks, at a high majority, are impatient and short tempered. The reasons are many, both physical and mental.

Is her health affecting her anger or is her anger affecting her health? That is the question that most doctors can't answer.
 
GP44 said:
She very well could be suffering from some dementia because she does get confused sometimes.
I will try to keep that in mind although I don’t know how anyone deals with that type of situation.
You know this is exactly why I joined this forum - so that I could talk to people like my wife’s and my general age.
We don’t have anyone our age that we socialize with and she has never considered joining the senior group here in town although I suggested that it might be good to compare problems with other seniors.
Click to expand...
if it turns out to be dementia related there are many helpful videos on youtube dealing with what to do next. Search for Teepa Snow, she's a dementia expert with videos relating to the onset right through to the final stage, so have her in your back pocket so to speak if you need to watch her in the future...
 
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You have been given some great suggestions about possible physical and mental causes. I might suggest that reading up thoroughly on dementia might help your own wellbeing. It is very hard to be repeatedly blamed for all that is wrong in the world…and will erode your health. You take care of you in all this. I knew a very very dynamic matriarch who slipped into full blown dementia over a couple of years… to ths day one of her sons believes she was “just being mean” during the very argumentative early stage. Good wishes…keep your attitude up.
 
GP44 said:
We don’t really fight but we argue a lot.
Like the other day she said she wanted to take some fishing gear along while we were making a short visit to in-laws.
I sat in front of the house for 10 minutes and then drove through the alley to pick up some of the needed gear.
I thought about how she had just gotten a bigger bag to put terminal gear in and I was going to ask her about it but she came out of the house angry saying “why don’t you answer your phone.”
I told her I have to go back inside the house because there was something we need but after being yelled at so angrily I had a hard time remembering what it was.
I found her bag and we started off and I mentioned that I had a hard time remembering what I needed from the house and we were lucky that I didn’t forget her bag. I turn my phone down so it doesn’t bother her when she naps.
That set her off even more and accusing me of starting fights.
I am not mentioning this for sympathy but to show how angry she gets over nothing all of the time.
Days later she has an appointment to see her doctor to try to get her blood pressure medicine regulated and she tells me that what causes part of her high blood pressure could be because she is always upset.
The arguments mean nothing to me but I am getting concerned that all of the nagging and anger is causing her to be in bad health?
I wish there were a way that she could get over being so upset and angry all of the time and I actually do realize that it really doesn’t have anything to do with what I do or don’t do.
It isn’t healthy for her to have this problem but I know that suggesting that she see someone about it would just set her off more because she can’t ever see that it is really her problem.
Click to expand...
Same here, we argue a lot. If I bring this up with hubby, he will just say I do the same thing. I am more forgetful than he is as I am 8 yrs older than him. He takes small dose blood pressure meds. I am the one that is always upset...I could go on and on and yes I have brought this up with my doctor and he said what I am doing is great...sitting in the backyard and just enjoying nature or alone time for just me.

After reading the above answering posts; I think my best bet is to hope my hubby will book an appointment with our doctor to discuss all his complaints (i.e., sore arm for weeks, trying to lose weight etc...
 

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