59 Beautiful, loving years wiped out in an instant

Contractor Paul

Contractor Paul

New Member
On Thursday, June 19, Barbara was walking home from a trip to Safeway and was hit by a car. She did not survive. Almost 2 months now and the grief has not diminished, in fact seems to be getting worse. I see her everywhere in our home. Looking for support, advice, sharing. Would like to find someone to exchange texts with. I don't do well with one on one phone conversations. Can't keep my composure.
 

Sorry that you are going through this, @Contractor Paul. May she Rest In Peace.
Welcome to our forum. There are many good people here who have lost their loved ones, too. The grieving process takes time, and it took me nine months to grieve the sudden death of my husband. It took me four years to become social again. But 12 years later, I am doing fine and living a single life. This forum helped me tremendously. I hope it helps you, too.
 
Paul,

So very sorry for your loss! You should really spend some time here in the different threads. It will not take away your grief, nothing will, but it can give you some much needed distraction.

Everyone here has been extremely kind to me since I arrived and made me feel right at home!

Remember, the beautiful years are still there in your mind and heart ♥️
 
We were married 59 years, and spent the last 40 in this lovely home in Phoenix. Barb was an interior designer and her showrooms were always in Scottsdale. We worked together every day. (I was her contractor and got the projects done for her after she put all the elements together). She loved her work, and loved life! I loved working with her.

Now every step I take in this house makes me think of her. Every furniture piece, every accessory, brings back memories. She took so much pride in every detail. I see her sitting on the same barstool at the island every morning. I see her falling asleep on the sofa in the family room with the TV still on. When I walk out to the pool, she's sitting on the first step with a glass of Sangria.

I cannot imagine life now without Barbara. I met her when I was 15 and she was 14. I never had another girlfriend. There has never been another woman in those 63 years. I don't know what to do.

My son has a home improvement business and I work with him, but those projects only make me think of her more. (I'm always asking if Barb would do the design differently.)

How does one go on?
 
Hello @Contractor Paul

Sorry to hear of your loss. Welcome to the forum.

What jumped out at me was that it’s been a little over 7 weeks since Barbara’s passing. Medical professionals have told me that for many people, grief can really start to set in after the seventh week. That seems to be where you are now.

There is no one size fits all timeline for grief, as it’s a very personal process. There’s no expectation or requirement to “get over” it -- and honestly, why should we?

I’m sure many here understand your preference for text only, especially at this time. You have created a safe place here within your thread, where you can be yourself, with time to compose your thoughts and to reflect on the replies of others.

I hope you stay with us here. I was going to say, please tell us about yourself and about Barbara if you wish, but i see now that you have already started, so that's good.
 
I know the feeling. My wife passed away three years ago after 60 years of marriage. Like you, she was my only love since teen age. I can only say it takes time to learn to live with it. At first, I couldn't bear to look at her photos. It was actually painful. It still hits me once in a while, but for the most part I've accepted the fact that she's gone and I have to carry on.

Time doesn't heal all, but it helps. People will say "think of the good times." But that just made me miss her more. Having my son helped, and I'm sure having yours will too. You will feel lonely. You may get depressed. All you can do is keep trucking. That's what she would want.
 
Grampa Don said:
I know the feeling. My wife passed away three years ago after 60 years of marriage. Like you, she was my only love since teen age. I can only say it takes time to learn to live with it. At first, I couldn't bear to look at her photos. It was actually painful. It still hits me once in a while, but for the most part I've accepted the fact that she's gone and I have to carry on.

Time doesn't heal all, but it helps. People will say "think of the good times." But that just made me miss her more. Having my son helped, and I'm sure having yours will too. You will feel lonely. You may get depressed. All you can do is keep trucking. That's what she would want.
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Thanks Don. Did you stay in your home? I'm torn. The memories are around every corner, but I've been here fo 40 years and can't imagine relocating. Some tell me I should.
 
Contractor Paul said:
Thanks Don. Did you stay in your home? I'm torn. The memories are around every corner, but I've been here fo 40 years and can't imagine relocating. Some tell me I should.
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Yes, our house has been paid for for many years and it's comfortable for me. But, everything in it was picked out by my wife. I have shelves of knick knacks that she collected and nobody wants. Even the colors of the walls, carpeting and cupboards were her choice. So, every where I look I'm reminded of her. I know the pain.

It does ease, but it takes time. Your sub conscience doesn't want to accept that it's real. But, you have to keep chugging along and deal with it, if nothing else, for your son's sake.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to move. I don't think it would help much. Sometimes life just sucks.
 
People who love deeply also have the potential to hurt just as deeply. Each person travels thru the land of grief at their own pace. There is no easy way. But come and join us…we can hold your trust and offer friendship and sympathetic ears…long after others are tired and scarce. Good you loved and loved deep. Many never do.
 
Contractor Paul said:
On Thursday, June 19, Barbara was walking home from a trip to Safeway and was hit by a car. She did not survive. Almost 2 months now and the grief has not diminished, in fact seems to be getting worse. I see her everywhere in our home. Looking for support, advice, sharing. Would like to find someone to exchange texts with. I don't do well with one on one phone conversations. Can't keep my composure.
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I am so sorry. I can feel your pain because I lost my daughter suddenly in 2010 and it was beyond pain killers. To this day the loss is felt. There is no cure for what you are going thru. My friend lost his wife. He was suppose to die first but she came down with ALS and passed last Nov. Wasn't suppose to go that way but it did. He is lost, much like you. Please write me if you are inclined. Don't have any answers just know what you are feeling. Just an outlet for your thoughts.
Bob
 
Contractor Paul said:
Thanks Don. Did you stay in your home? I'm torn. The memories are around every corner, but I've been here fo 40 years and can't imagine relocating. Some tell me I should.
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Grampa Don said:
Yes, our house has been paid for for many years and it's comfortable for me. But, everything in it was picked out by my wife. I have shelves of knick knacks that she collected and nobody wants. Even the colors of the walls, carpeting and cupboards were her choice. So, every where I look I'm reminded of her. I know the pain.

It does ease, but it takes time. Your sub conscience doesn't want to accept that it's real. But, you have to keep chugging along and deal with it, if nothing else, for your son's sake.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to move. I don't think it would help much. Sometimes life just sucks.
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Thanks for the response Don. I saw your home is Orange County. Very familiar with the area. Barbara had clients in Ladera Ranch and Coto De Caz. I made Many trips there with her and set up many beautiful homes.

My son in law's family built many subdivisions all over Southern CA. Places like Menifee, Lake Elsinore, Mission Viejo, so many more. My daughter's last home before moving to MT was in Coto. We made the OC trip at least once a month.

When my daughter moved to Montana we opened a store in Somers for the months of June, July, and August. Our Arizona store was called The Tuscan Villa, and the Montana store was call The Tuscan Ranch. We still have active clients there. A few flew down for Barbara's Celebration of Life ceremony.

Thanks for letting me share some memories. Paul
 
What a complimentary arrangement you had. The designer and the contractor. Perfect. So very sad that it came to such an abrupt ending. There are no words. Just know that many good people are here for you, to listen and to share. She sounds amazing and so do you.
 
Contractor Paul said:
On Thursday, June 19, Barbara was walking home from a trip to Safeway and was hit by a car. She did not survive. Almost 2 months now and the grief has not diminished, in fact seems to be getting worse. I see her everywhere in our home. Looking for support, advice, sharing. Would like to find someone to exchange texts with. I don't do well with one on one phone conversations. Can't keep my composure.
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I'm very sorry to hear about your wife, my condolences, may she rest peacefully...hugs. I lost my husband of fifty years unexpectedly in October, and I know exactly what you mean. I miss him terribly, but I always think he would want me to go on with my life and take care of myself, his presence is in me every single minute of every day. Let yourself grieve, it's natural, best not to stop it, it's healthy.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to our forum! Maybe talking with others who have gone through losing their spouses too can help you.

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