A Contrast in Family Dynamics... Dysfunctional vs. Functional

seadoug

seadoug

Well-known Member
Location
Texas
So, my family was very dysfunctional. My relatives were backwoods folk in the mountains of NC. I had a grandmother on my father's side who was downright evil. She used to say things to me when I was a child that were deplorable... things like going off to war and getting killed. My father's brothers (my uncles) died in their 30s and 40s from alcohol poisoning and cancer from smoking.

My grandfather on my mother's side was "king of the castle" and he used to pit my mother and her siblings against each other. They continued to snark at one another even into their senior years. My mother's sister passed away and she hadn't called her in years. She was told by another relative that her sister had passed and she showed no emotion.

Due to my mother's upbringing, she had very low self-esteem and was subject to bouts of depression. My father was a good man, but he was a product of his time. He was the breadwinner and made all the decisions in the household. He lived for his work, so I had a mother with low self-esteem and a father who wasn't around very much. I'm happy I became a well-adjusted adult... most of the time.

I have to contrast this with my partner's family. They are Filipino but grew up in the states. They are tight-knit. They were at his mother's side when she passed away from cancer. They had a happy childhood. They let their half-brother live in their father's house for many years after their father passed away and they helped with expenses. My sister-in-law's 4 kids are all wonderful and talented and she is close with them. My brother-in-law is one of kindest, most caring individuals I've ever met. I give thanks every day that they have made me a part of their family.

Anyone wish to share good or bad stories about your families? Do you come from a dysfunctional or functional family?
 

seadoug said:
I'm happy I became a well-adjusted adult... most of the time.
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It is an interesting revelation that you wrote about the contrast between your extended family and that of your partner's. But, frankly, I am not real sure that I am comfortable here with revealing this about me. I am rather new here, and just trying to get a feel for the place. I will take the responses you get to your thread as a guide to how appropriate this subject is in this environment.

Actually, I am very interested in how you managed to become as well adjusted an adult as you say you are despite your family background and experiences. There is more the story. And it can be told in the first person as it should, here. Life is filled with adventures of all sorts that tell a wonderful story. Maybe that is more the point for this forum, don't you think? The subject of this thread just sets the stage and is more the background rather than the story.
 
Robb.hisself said:
It is an interesting revelation that you wrote about the contrast between your extended family and that of your partner's. But, frankly, I am not real sure that I am comfortable here with revealing this about me. I am rather new here, and just trying to get a feel for the place. I will take the responses you get to your thread as a guide to how appropriate this subject is in this environment.

Actually, I am very interested in how you managed to become as well adjusted an adult as you say you are despite your family background and experiences. There is more the story. And it can be told in the first person as it should, here. Life is filled with adventures of all sorts that tell a wonderful story. Maybe that is more the point for this forum, don't you think? The subject of this thread just sets the stage and is more the background rather than the story.
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I understand your reluctance to share more about your story, but there are many on here who have shared very detailed information about their backgrounds.

As for my ability to become a well-adjusted adult, it was done through therapy 18 years ago when I was going through severe depression and my therapist took me back to my 9 year-old self that I had basically "buried". I had a moment of realization and bawled my eyes out.

Since then I have read many self-help books. The best book I have ever read was The Velvet Rage, which discusses why many gay people are the way they are... self-loathing, critical, angry, perfectionists, over-achievers, etc. It brought everything into perspective for me. Although it is for a narrow audience in this forum, it resonated with me and explained much of what I had been going through for years.

Now I understand myself and have moved beyond self-doubt and wake up every morning appreciating what I contribute as a human being.

Hope that explains things, and if the title doesn't match the contents, hopefully some will still respond. Sometimes it is cathartic to share our life stories.
 

Thank you for sharing your feelings, seadoug.
I also did not have a happy childhood.
My father left us when I was 2. My mother tried to keep her marriage together at first. (My father had several affairs).We moved from Europe to South America where my father had relocated. It did not work between them and my mother decided to leave him and take us back to Europe with her.
I was very attached to my father, however he was quite absent in our lives. I saw him probably 5 or 6 times growing up. He only wrote to me at Christmas time and at my birthday.
My mother did not receive financial help from him to help raise my sister and me. We struggled.
My mother did the best she could as a single mother with two children.
Her temperament and moods were very difficult to deal with. I had nothing in common with her. To cope, I stayed silent as much as possible and spent a lot of time with a friend that had a lovely and warm family.
I feel I started my life the day that I met my husband.
He gave me the caring, love, respect, and advice that I needed. He built up my self-esteem and made me the woman, wife, and mother that I am today.
 
You’re actually luckier than you think. I have arrested several men that had similar childhoods. I think as we grow, we see the things around us that aren’t right and we tell ourselves, “I’m not going to be like that.” My friend grew up with an alcoholic dad. If you ever wanted to find old Charlie just go down to the Starlight Lounge and he would be there. If he wasn’t there, he would be at home lying on the floor past out.

My friend didn’t turn out that way. He told me that when he was 8 y/o, he made himself a promise not to be his father’s son, go to college and make something of himself. Today, he has many friends and is a pillar in the community. You will find him every Sunday in his seat in the church pew. He gives a lot to community services and heads up programs so that the people if his town can enjoy life. He is in charge if the parades and the local charity carnival. Just a real good, honest man that uses a lot if his own money to help different organizations within the community, like the Little League and supports the parades. I am proud to call him my friend.

You are much like him. You saw what was wrong and decided not to follow in your family’s footsteps. If you hadn’t, maybe you would be sitting in a jail. We had a guy that was nicknamed “Willie the Worm.” He did anything he could to provoke a fight or start a rumble. He’s now serving a hard 20 years in state prison and will likely die there.
 
@seadoug It's unfortunate that your family was so dysfunctional, and I agree you turned out very well despite that. You obviously was/are proactive and work very hard to do what was best for you personally, and I respect and admire you for that. Reminds me of the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 💙

You and your partner are lucky that he has such a kind and loving family, you are blessed to have each other.

I was born in the early '50s and my father was the worker/bread winner, while my mother stayed home as a housekeeper and took care of me and my three siblings. We didn't have much money, but she made it work for all of us and took good care of us. None of us were physically or mentally abused. No really nasty or negative people in my family that I'm aware of, and if there were any arguments between my parents they were done quietly in the privacy of their room, so we weren't really affected.

My heart goes out to anyone who had to deal with a hateful, violent or nasty family during their formative years, unfortunately that's something that is ongoing in life around the world. :(
 
Mine was pretty tough with a father that was abusive and a mother that put up with it because that is what women did in those days. It affected both my brother and me. I vowed never to put up with that type of treatment and I haven't. It is NOT better to stay together for the sake of the kids.

I have also been for counselling a few times throughout my life when I have needed it. I vowed never to be like my mother. One of the books I remember being recommend and that helped me a lot was "The Price of Nice".

I am independent because I have never been able to trust. I am a feminist because the idea of someone being in charge just because of gender is abhorrent to me. I am flexible with views that sometimes change. I had no guidance and therefore had to try to make my own way by learning everything I could and deciding for myself.

I have never followed any particular doctrine.

I am content with my life now.
 
I think seadoug is correct. I don't think there's a ' "super functional family", but it's how dysfunctional a family is. Seadoug's family proves the need for psychological therapy. His family may have to go through many generations to distance themselves from their ancestors.
 

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