A friend or relative needs a place to stay

applecruncher

applecruncher

SF VIP
Location
Ohio USA
for awhile because they are losing/being asked to leave their current housing. What would you do?

Rather than use the “it depends” answer, I’m going to say I would not let them move in – even “temporarily”. Those situations usually do not end well.

I might chip in on a room at a boarding/rooming house. Maybe. I would probably suggest or help them explore some other options. But “move in”?…..no.

If the reason they need alternate housing is financial, they had to see it coming. If it's a relationship breakup, that involves drama which I want nothing to do with.
 

Lost my job, could not find employment, sold our house, moved into a cabin I built myself in the Arizona high-country, plenty of firewood, cookstove, no electricity or water, or phone. One year spent living the best year of our life together. Would not have dreamed of "moving-in" on a relative, friend, or otherwise. imp
 
Apple cruncher has said it all really,
And the question sounds like you've been beating yourself up trying to make the decision,

All i can say from my own mistakes is what judge judy offten says, "No good deed goe's un-punished, And its very true,

I myself dont have a mobile phone, and ive heard people say why the hell not??????
Because i feel for my life style i dont need the expensive bill for just having one,
Ive lived more time of my life without one and got along just fine, if i feel im going on a long trip "i'll get one of those pay as you go things incase of breakdown's ect.

What im trying to say is live by your own means and not like there's no tomorrow, these people got into the mess they are in "let them get out of it "And learn by their mistakes "never to make the same mistakes again "Or do you honestly think they will learn?????"

You or the person they've asked "can we come and live with you"
Are on a loosing streak no matter what way you turn and "WHY" because these people have put you in it by including you in their mess and continuing to show a lack of knowing what they are doing,

It''ll end up you being out of pocket and really will put a big time strain on your relationship (they've already done this by asking anyway)

Take it from me or just sit back and think how many times in the past have you helped someone and got a slap in the face for your efforts ?????

""Well am i talking sense or a load of rubbish ????

Now if on the other hand it was a medical proplem and they needed your body parts ie a kidney etc !!!!!!!!! then that's a different thing,
I couldnt sit back and watch somebody slowly die when i knew i had the perfect match, and i dare say 9 out of 10 folk after the thrill of the favour had passed wouldnt be the first to check you out,

This is life in the modern world,
If you walk aroud with a £20 note stuck to your forhead;;;;;;;;;;;;; look out someones interested how many more you have in the bank.

I hope this little lot is a help to you, but i bet if the shoe was on the other foot you'd never put anyone in the same possiton by asking them to put you up.
 
Whisteria, regardless how it may sound to YOU, no I am not beating myself up...about anything. I was not approached with such a request.

This is yet another example of you taking a simple discussion thread waaay too seriously and reading something into nothing.
 
Apple cruncher,
Im not replying to you, i just said you'd said it all ref the situation,
I do take the op serious, thats why the person has put the question here on the forum and i can't for the life of me see anything funny in the request for other members views on what is a serious situation,
Im going to be 1000% honest with you applecruncher as you have now for the second time tried to make out i only see the serious side of threads on this forum "you are wrong and i'd advise you to fully read what been written before you start handing out very bad vibes ref my replies,
Ive not said this via personal "e" mail and im being completely open ref this reply,

Now you go back and re-read what ive had to say and ref the start of my reply ie Apple cruncher has said it all really, And then it went on to talk to the sender "Not you applecruncher".

Regards "applecruncher" and have a nice day.:rolleyes:
 
applecruncher said:
for awhile because they are losing/being asked to leave their current housing. What would you do?

Rather than use the “it depends” answer, I’m going to say I would not let them move in – even “temporarily”. Those situations usually do not end well.

I might chip in on a room at a boarding/rooming house. Maybe. I would probably suggest or help them explore some other options. But “move in”?…..no.

If the reason they need alternate housing is financial, they had to see it coming. If it's a relationship breakup, that involves drama which I want nothing to do with.
Click to expand...

Agree, with exceptions. My son and family crashed at my house for a few days between the time they sold their house and the purchase of their new house could close. It was a finite period of time and wasn't open ended, like "until I can get a new place." In light of the zillion things they do for me, it was the least I could do.

My sister stayed with me for two weeks after her hip surgery so I could help her out. It was either stay with me here, or me go stay with her at her place. I was more comfortable here, plus I had my dogs to consider.

But any open ended "till I get on my feet" type stuff --- NOOOO!! I don't run a hotel, and I don't like overnight company.
 
Hi Butterfly,
Again you've give a good honest account of how you helped when needed and thats what the question is really about "what to do for the BEST"
I do take such a question serious infact i'd go as far as to say very serious because if you get it wrong you pay the price.

Both myself and my wife really do count ourselves as animal lovers and i'd go as far as to say i prefer animals to some people ive met,
if we read in the local paper or on the animal forums that a dog has been in the rescue centre's for years we're all feeling bad that these animals are being treated this way and we'd love to take on more, "but as i write three dogs and all the local birds (fed daily) is all we can afford,
But inside our heads we 're both thinking if we win the big one we'd have our own animal rescue "but this is how people become horders" its not that they're bad people and hord for the sake of it,
But if you take on an animal you have to get the start plan right from the second you decide to start,
vets bills, care and the health of yourself and as we all get older we dont have the same physical power as we did in our younger years, "you know the saying the fire in my heads burning but the tackle's a lot slower in getting going.
It's the same when it comes to doing for others, "timing" It's your turn to have a life you like having now, you've earned it and payed for it, no more lifting and laying for others for the sake of it, if as you say a health need arrives on your door step?? Then thats a different matter altogether.
Well said Butterfly.:)
 
jujube said:
The boyfriend's cousin called us last month. "I'm getting a divorce. Can I and the dog move in with you in your camper for a while?"

In the camper??? Hell, no. I have to wonder if she was expecting to sleep with us.....
Click to expand...

You should have said "Sorry we only have room for the dog." :rofl1:
 
Daughter and s-i-l would be the only ones if they needed it.. except for a friend who might need an emergency home for a night or 2 due to an unforeseen disaster ( flood in their house for example)...but otherwise absolutely no, I would never have anyone move in . I learned my lesson many many years ago when I allowed my brother, and one of my sisters ( separate occasions) to live with us for some months , and they caused major problems...so nope, never again. Too often people mistake kindness for weakness and you're taken great advantage of..at least I was, so no I wouldn't readily open myself up to that again!!:yuk:
 
Yeah, emergency would be different. People moving in until they get their lives straightened out is usually bad news. My (younger) sister opened her home several times to people and it ALWAYS got messy/ugly.
 
Well applecruncher,
you've changed your tune isn't this a serious subject or not?????

One minute your telling me im to serious about such topics and the next your telling us it's GOT MESSY/UGLY,,,? You can't have it both ways,
And as ive said I dont see anything funny in this subject and only a serious hat on for this subject.

Im still waiting for your reply ref comments at the top of this page made to me as a reply from you ::::::::::::::::ref serious,,,,,,,?
 
Whisteria it's unfortunate that you are so confused. I don't care to bicker with you, especially about something so obvious. Feel free to continue to wait...and wait.
 
There haven't been any surprise emergency live-in guests for many years now. However, when I was in my 20s this did happen quite often. Friends showed up up on my doorstep and stayed for a while, a couple of days, a week, or a month, sometimes longer. When things fell apart for me and I needed a place to stay, my friends helped me out until I found my own place. It was understood that friends helped each other. I never had any problems with people overstaying, they were usually ready to move on with their own lives.
 
applecruncher said:
Whisteria, regardless how it may sound to YOU, no I am not beating myself up...about anything. I was not approached with such a request.

This is yet another example of you taking a simple discussion thread waaay too seriously and reading something into nothing.
Click to expand...

I agree with you Applecruncher, I didn't take it as your beating yourself up at all. If it was a relative or friend that was in a bind and needed a place to stay temporarily, I would let them stay if they were responsible people who I trusted to be in my home. I've offered a stay to my relatives a couple of times over the years for various reasons, but it turned out that it wasn't necessary after all. If it was someone who was just a "user", I'd have no problem say no from the beginning. In all my years, I have never had someone in trouble financially or otherwise need a place to stay and ask me. Of course both my husband and I would have to be in agreement about the person's stay.
 
I think the points been made "applecruncher", you ask a question then you decide after replies have been given that you really didnt think what you asked, ie in your mind its ok to spend whats not yours (even if its some kind of child like game) but it puts ideas into peoples minds and thats the start of trouble,
You didnt like my reply to your finding bags of cash, because it was a correct thing to do "hand it over to the police"

And now your off again and dont like honest replies to your latest (as you say pretend topic) ref being asked if someone could stay when the chips are down.

I'd rather you didnt reply to anything i answer because you play games and put on here pretend topics (your words not mine) and when you do get a reply you start telling the forum im being to serious or im preaching to you, so lets leave it at that shall we,
:weird:
 
Numerous times during my stay on this Earth, I have reminded myself how seriously I reacted to a situation, or event, then stepped back and tried to overview circumstances and outcomes. Amazing how the "overall scheme" of existing overshadows little everyday problems. imp
 
What made me create this thread was that during a small get-together recently, a few relatives and I were talking about someone who is having major problems because they allowed another person to move in “temporarily” (4 months thus far).

Then the conversation turned to my younger sister (in another state) who has a long history of providing food, shelter, money, Her car, etc. to USERS.:mad: She and her husband are struggling somewhat themselves and not in a position to take in strays. At least twice that I’m aware she allowed an entire family to move in (wife, husband, and 2 school age kids)and they slept on her floor for a month. (Sister and husband have 2 boys who were in school at the time).These people would sit on their duffs all day, eat all the food, offer NO money, do no chores, and in one instance they wrecked her car. She complained about it to the point where I told her I couldn’t listen anymore…….that did not go over well. Yet she continues to be a “good person” and “help” people. :shrug:
 
Apple, your term USERS is very appropriate. Being "used" is a common enough problem as well. I have a nephew who has been used by "friends" and acquaintances alike, most of his life. He is very aware of the weakness, but remains unable to change his basic "make-up". For example, 4 or 5 of his friends decided to hike the Salt River Canyon, outside of Phoenix, that being on Reservation ground, requiring permits, costing about $20. They convinced him to buy the permits, they would pay for theirs when they all got together for the hike. Guess what? Poor Mike was chasing after the money for months. Poor Mike? His own fault, but always feels compelled to please others, at any expense. His reason for this inadequacy? He is the adult child of alcoholic parents!

I cannot here reveal my wife's reaction to A.C.A.P.; I would be kicked out of the forum! imp
 
Imp, interesting story. Yes, your nephew was being used.

I’ve had a few situations where I helped people (sometimes without them asking), they appreciated it, and either they paid me back or did something in return. I’ve also had a few where people asked for help, then acted as if I didn’t exist or were barely civil. In those cases, I was done…..finished. Bye bye, have a nice life.

But there are people like my sister and her husband who love to go on and on telling everyone how they “help” so many people, then they turn around and complain about those same people. They want to come across as being benevolent and generous, then complain they can’t pay their bills because they’ve helped this person and that person.

Well, DUH. :rolleyes:
 
I've seen shows on Dr.Phil, and I think even cases on some of the court shows, where a freeloader moves in and causes havoc for the family, financial stress, security threats, and it's all started by a kind person who felt sorry for someone, and ended up getting screwed in the end. I know if I needed a place to stay, and someone opened up their home to me, I'd make my stay as short as possible, I'd be appreciative and helpful in the household, and I'd keep as low of a profile as I could while there not to disturb any of the people living there.
 
I watch Judge Judy and (sometimes) the People's Court. Lots of those cases. JJ in particular shows disdain for freeloaders and sometimes for the people who allow themselves to be used.
 
Some people are just ingrates, instead of being thankful, they take advantage and become selfish and entitled. Some people just have trouble saying no to others, and have to learn from their mistakes. I can say no a lot easier than when I was young.
 
"I can say no a lot easier than when I was young."

The unavoidable changes in flexibility and resilience which abound in youth! :oops: imp
 

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