A funeral experience that will forever be with me.

[Ruth n Jersey]

My sister in law who I am very close to lost her eldest daughter last week due to illness. It was sudden. She lived alone and passed away almost two days before she was found. I became close to her on Facebook. She lived a distance away. We shared our love for animals, cooking, and gardening. She was an exceptional young women and had many friends. If losing ones daughter was not enough, the funeral home called my sister in law the morning of the funereal and told her to be prepared because her daughter looked older than she really was. Their words exactly. That was an understatement. I will not go into what the condition of the body was in, but I don't think anyone will ever be able to put it out of their minds. My sister in law said she would have had a closed casket if she had known. She could not even stand by her daughter's casket. Personally I think the funeral home should be held accountable but I am not the one to say. My sister in law is holding up the best she can and doesn't remember much of that day. I guess a blessing. I am not an overly religious person but do hope, as they say, she is in a better place. I haven't posted this past week because this has affected me so. I have been to many funerals over my lifetime and being a Practical Nurse years ago I am no stranger to death. This was extremely hard to take.

 

[Ruthanne]

I'm sorry about the loss. It's always hard. When my younger sister died she was 21 and she looked much older in the casket for reasons I won't get into. My dad decided that that is what she would have looked at at 55 probably. Some funeral homes do better than others. We should not have used that funeral home for all the deaths we did. Then my sister n laws mother had her showing at another funeral home and she looked better than she did while she was living. Go figure..

 

[Linda]

I personally don't get the "viewing" part of a funeral but maybe it's a tradition others find comfort in. When my sister died at 6 years old my parents had an open casket funeral. Now over 50 years later we have a cremation and then a memorial service in our family. Whatever gives the family the most comfort is the thing to do. If any of you watched 6 Feet Under, I think it was nice the way the family on that HBO series always tried their best to make the body look as natural as possible. Still....it's not for me.

 

[Underock1]

She was dead for two days before they found her! Perhaps another day before the funeral home could embalm her. Didn't they suggest a closed casket? Probably not. The only reason for embalming is to maintain appearances for the viewing. They would have missed out on the embalming fee. What a horrible experience for you and the family! My sincere sympathy to you for your loss and the traumatic experience.

Although none have expressed it to me or protested, my relatives probably see me as cheap, lazy or unfeeling. I have lost both my younger son and my wife within the last two years. They were both cremated without a service and their ashes are in my home until my passing. My own will then be mixed with my wife's and all will be buried or disposed of as my older son sees fit.
I understand people's wish for the family gathering and shared remembrance. In this day where many live at great distances and have frantic lives I think it puts the whole family unnecessarily at risk at the same time. Long round trip road trips and expensive air travel. In this day, we are able to communicate easily electronically. Those we loved live within us. No need for stones to be visited or vandalized or flowers to wilt.
A specific time can be set aside for remembrance just as we do for national tragedies where everyone stops for a few moments to say a prayer or recall a remembrance according to their beliefs. To each their own. Just my own view shared by my wife.

 

[Ruth n Jersey]

My sister in law wanted the viewing at first, had it gone well, and the gathering afterwards at her home. If this gives her comfort,so be it. My feelings are totally different. As Linda posted, I don't like the whole viewing thing either, and Underrock1 I do not think you are cheap,lazy or unfeeling. I want a closed casket, no flowers and no service. I want to be buried as soon as possible. My Grandfather was really thinking ahead many years ago and bought several cemetery plots. I will be buried in one of them next to my Mom and Dad. My husband wishes to be buried with his parents and that's fine with me also.

 

[fureverywhere]

I'm so sorry for all concerned. I have never understood the idea of an open casket. Actually I prefer not having the body present at all. Better to have a memorial service with photos of the deceased in life. My Mom had an open casket. I don't know who pressured my Dad to do it, he's never believed in it either. I feel after death the person has basically "left the building"...stuffing and painting the remains and putting them on display isn't comforting to me, it's ghoulish. I'll never get the image out of my head either. Mom wore very little make up in life...she must have been twirling somewhere with how much they painted on.

 

[jnos]

So sorry, Ruth, for you having to go through that whole experience. And your poor sister-in-law. Hopefully, she will be able to live with it.

Growing up Catholic in the 50''s and 60's, I went to a lot of wakes/viewings with my parents. I was the only one at home, so had to go too. That was fairly common then. Now 50+ years later I remember the sight of many of those deceased, along with a lot of rosaries being prayed. Quite a few were old, a few middle age and a couple of cousins that were young (15 and 3). I never saw the sense in it but it was the way it was.

I'm all for cremation asap. In my case scatter the ashes in the mountains.

 

[Butterfly]

I'm opposed to the open casket thing, too.

 

[Debby]

I think lots of the things that are done around funerals are due to tradition and because the bereaved are so emotionally fragile at that moment, they just respond with 'yes's' to the questions that funeral directors ask them because it's easier than thinking and they don't want to appear cheap or disloyal or unloving. One of these days, I'm going to lay out in detail exactly how I want my demise and disposal to be handled so that my kids don't have to deal with 'decisions'.

confused:where is my to-do list now?)