A guest/roommate who will not leave - what would you do?

Myquest55

Member
Location
Happily in MAINE
This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.

Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room. Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses. It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance. He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required. Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer. Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home." Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues. Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.

Son & I have agreed there should be a time limit - one has already come & gone. I would like to advise son but I don't see changes being made without a huge confrontation and he isn''t good at that........ We offered to pay for new locks and the friend's plane ticket. I thought to look up tenant/landlord laws but he hasn't paid any rent so isn't an actual tenant.

Any suggestions?
 

Aunt Bea

SF VIP
Location
Near Mount Pilot
I would ask the person to leave, set a date for that to happen, and put it in writing for each to sign.

Your son should also check the local laws and see if he will be required to go through the eviction process due to the time that has passed or if he can simply call the police and ask them to escort him off the property.

Good luck!
 

Keesha

❤️🇨🇦❤️
Three years?? That’s taking advantage. This guy has decided since you didn’t require anything from him so is taking full advantage of it. Setting a move out date is essential and not taking any excuses. It’s not your job to look after him. In fact it’s quite cheeky on his part to do this. Most people wouldn’t have the heart to take advantage of someone who has been gracious enough to help out so I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty. He should. It’s horrible that he’d do this to you. Let him know that you are renovating the room for another purpose which is none of his business what for.
 

It will be hard for your son telling the friend he must leave but he must do it...no ifs ands or buts
He has taken advantage of your son for way too long and your son must stand up to him
He must start the ball rolling by helping the friend get financial assistance
My daughter's 2nd marriage was on the rocks and stupid me convinced my 2nd husband to take her and kids in temporarily
Unfortunately once daughter was settled in she really 'settled in' and did not want to get off her backside
She upset my new husband and I felt torn between the 2 of them
Of course my loyalty was with my husband but I was naturally concerned about my daughter
I phoned around and found a place for her to stay needless to say she was not happy about that
They were with us for 6 months and that was about 5 months too long
Once she and the kids left peace reigned supreme
 

Sunny

SF VIP
Location
Maryland
Your son is being too nice. He is enabling this freeloader, who apparently has no qualms about living like a parasite, sucking the blood (figuratively) out of a man who was just trying to be his friend. He will be with him forever, unless he is forced to leave.

The above advice is good. Your son should get legal recourse if necessary. But he has to stand firm.
 
People have had to go to court to evict their own adult children.

Depending on which state your son lives in (Maine?), the rules can vary. In some cases, if the unwanted guest says he helps out around the house (even if he lies about it), the court can rule that he is receiving room and board in exchange for those services and is a tenant and not a guest, thus receiving the "rights" of a tenant.

Unless your son is willing to get legal advice applicable to the regulations of his area and then is willing to act upon that legal advice, he's going to have a leech living in his house for a long time.
 

Myquest55

Member
Location
Happily in MAINE
Original Poster
THANK YOU so much for all the input so far! Son lives in Tennessee. Friend did some cooking and cleaning when he first moved in but not so much any more - and really - I'm sure it wasn't enough to equate to rent (but that is a legal consideration). Ceege - thanks especially for that legal Q&A link. I wasn't even sure what to use as a search!

Of course, with COVID-19 running amuck, moving will be difficult and travel is not safe. However - I like the time limit idea where everyone signs and a definitive plan is written out.

Friend NEEDS financial support but needs counseling to be able to GET that support from SSI so.....Catch-22 here. I welcome any more thoughts - thanks to all.
 
This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.

Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room. Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses. It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance. He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required. Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer. Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home." Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues. Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.

Son & I have agreed there should be a time limit - one has already come & gone. I would like to advise son but I don't see changes being made without a huge confrontation and he isn''t good at that........ We offered to pay for new locks and the friend's plane ticket. I thought to look up tenant/landlord laws but he hasn't paid any rent so isn't an actual tenant.

Any suggestions?
He is considered a tenant of he gets mail at your sons address.
I believe it's called statuatory.
He has to go through the normal channels for eviction.
The absolute worst thing to would be to change the locks.
 
This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.

Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room. Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses. It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance. He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required. Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer. Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home." Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues. Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.

Son & I have agreed there should be a time limit - one has already come & gone. I would like to advise son but I don't see changes being made without a huge confrontation and he isn''t good at that........ We offered to pay for new locks and the friend's plane ticket. I thought to look up tenant/landlord laws but he hasn't paid any rent so isn't an actual tenant.

Any suggestions?
I dislike confrontation as well but if it were me I'd just flat out tell him "look...we're friends & all & I understand your side of this. However, I need you to either do your part or get off my property." Sometimes things just have to be dealt with. It's either that or your son risks becoming homeless as well.
 

Ceege

Member
Location
Michigan
If your son is renting, maybe he could find another apartment or something better than where he is. Less expensive? It would be a way to get out of the situation.
That sounds good. Move out and tell the friend he has until the end of the paid month to find another place to live. Of course, it could depend on whether your son signed a lease or is paying by the month. A lease would keep him there until it runs out. But, the lease date would become a final date that the 'guest' had to move somewhere else.
Perhaps your son could speak to someone with Social Services to get some advice and even some help, both mental and financial, for his friend.
 

Myquest55

Member
Location
Happily in MAINE
Original Poster
Son owns the townhouse. Ah, Social Services - thanks again. When I read that, after having lived in TN, I realized that I know someone retired from there that surely would have some suggestions to navigate that office. In my experience however, they are usually more interested in young women with children than grown men with issues but I will e-mail her today and see where it gets us. Will keep you posted.
 
Myquest, when you are searching for information, be sure you are searching for Tennessee law. Landlord/tenant law varies widely from state to state so generic landlord/tenant law information is of no value whatsoever unless it is Tennessee law. Legal definitions of landlords, tenants, etc. (which also impact who can do what to whom and how), vary as well.

And, I have no idea how the pandemic eviction moritorium (which I understand expires today or expired yesterday but may well be reinstated) might or might not affect efforts to get that guy out of there.
 

macgeek

Member
This guy may have squatter rights now. this person is no friend hes taking advantage of everyone. he needs to go. were I live squatters seem to have lots of rights and getting rid of them is not easy. google says: There are no “squatters rights” in Tennessee, but there is adverse possession. again check the laws in your area, maybe even speak to the sheriff.
 
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Aunt Bea

SF VIP
Location
Near Mount Pilot
It's hard to know.

The guy could be a moocher or he could have some form of mental/emotional illness.

His friend's kindness may be enabling him to continue living in a safe comfortable environment without getting treatment.
 

Gary O'

Well-known Member
Location
Oregon
Whoa. that's a toughy
Moocher with PTSD......
He needs help......out

I'd give him all the info for help, and find a way to make it a bit less comfy
....like no food in the house (eat out for awhile...without him tagging along)
Hey, the no food situation looks like it's just around the corner anyway


and cut off the cable TV
 

Autumn

New Member
This isn't exclusively a "senior" situation but I am hoping some of you may have survived a similar experience (or know someone who has) and will have some words of wisdom to share here.

Our son (age 36) invited a friend (in his 30s) to move into his spare room. Son helped friend financially to move from TX to TN with the understanding that friend would get some counseling and find a job to help with pay the living expenses. It has been 3 years and this guy is still there - no counseling, no job and no financial assistance. He hasn't applied for SSI (disability) since counseling and a Dr's referral would be required. Son is now frustrated but doesn't want to turn friend (who has no $$) out on the streets but he cannot afford to carry this guy much longer. Friend has plenty of excuses why he cannot go back "home." Has PTSD, Anxiety, & some other issues. Son has done everything he can think of to try to help.

Son & I have agreed there should be a time limit - one has already come & gone. I would like to advise son but I don't see changes being made without a huge confrontation and he isn''t good at that........ We offered to pay for new locks and the friend's plane ticket. I thought to look up tenant/landlord laws but he hasn't paid any rent so isn't an actual tenant.

Any suggestions?
I don't know what the law is there, but here in MA you would have to go through an eviction process. I understand that your son doesn't want to just turn him out, but what's the alternative?

It's important to find out exactly what the law requires. My husband did property management, and you'd be shocked how someone like your son's "roommate" could turn the situation to his own benefit. It needs to be handled strictly by the book.

I realize how upsetting this will be for your son, but he needs to put his own well-being first.
 

Luv2Cycle

New Member
Location
California
I am definately leaning towards this guy having mental illness. Put his name on the list of subsidized apartment complexes in the area. If he has issues, he will need someone to assist in filling it out. You do not need any income for this, it's 30% of your income for rent. He sounds like a sick & depressed guy who needs professional help. To find a solution which doesn't require the severing of the relationship is best.
Another idea is to buy him or loan him a camper or something to live outside the house in the driveway, possibly. Then tell him his former room will be rented out soon. Townhomes often do not have much land so this might not be viable
 


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