adaptation and reinventing oneself

BlunderWoman

BlunderWoman

Senior Member
I think many of us find when we are older that through divorce or loss of a partner we are adapting or learning to reinvent ourselves. I'm learning to do that now. I spent too long in what I like to call my 'waaah waaah' phase mourning a lost dream. I did work through it though and am finding life to be good again. I have freedom now that I never had in my life before. I'm really enjoying it. I thought it might be nice if other members could share their tips and secrets for new beginnings with the rest of us. Some of us are also having to reinvent our lives due to illness or mobility restrictions or other problems. Those of you who have either conquered adaptation or who are in the process please share your insights and wisdom with us. I would like to learn not just to adapt, but to flourish before the day comes my choices or abilities are all gone.
 

BW, I'm sure you will do well at whatever you attempt.

I've been through many, many changes in my life. 2 bad marriages, the first one produced two great sons though. I was actually content living on my own and single in my 40's. I thought - if I marry again, fine, if I don't, that's fine too. A solo trip to Ireland changed my life. I'd always wanted to experience living abroad, whether temporarily or permanently. Long story short, that adventurous trip I took to Ireland lead me to moving to Scotland permanently and finally having a happy marriage.

I wouldn't even recognize the person I was in my 20's, 30's, or even early 40's. My values, opinions, etc are very different. And the older I get the more adventurous I am.

I'm healthy and fit now, but I'm sure I would struggle to live with any real physical problems. I wouldn't do well with widowhood either. But I know eventually I would learn to cope with either event.
 
Who we are is the sum of our life's experience, I firmly believe that. For some, it is a straight line, for others much like myself it is a zig-zag all over the place. I always wish I could have been the "straight line", but then I would not be the person I have become. I said that to my husband. Why could we not have met years ago? We both agreed that neither of us would have been the same person.

Starting over alone is not easy, but we take along experience. That experience teaches us that we will survive and be all the stronger for it. I have survived both divorce and widowhood, both very painful but I have learned a lot from each. Surprisingly, I felt more of a loss of confidence when my husband died than previously through divorce. Just believe in yourself, BW. When we can do this, we are able to forge ahead. Confidence is an important part of our journey. We may not know for sure what lies ahead, but with that inner strength, we can meet whatever challenge comes our way!
 

BW - I'm in the middle of that process now. And this is the second time, but I've found it doesn't get easier with practice and/or age. Lost my second wife 7 months ago, and I'm doing okay, but I have no idea what will be next. Probably will move back to the mainland next year, but no idea where, etc. No light at the end of the tunnel yet.
 
I appreciate the responses I'm reading.
Anne, your story of emerging into a new type of person is very interesting .
Carla, your insight into how these things affect our self confidence is something important to realize.
Hoot I'm very sorry for your recent loss. Seven months is recent I think. Take your time figuring out what you want to do is my advice. ((hugs)) I know you must still be in pain.
 
Anne, your transition into such a beautiful person you are now, after years of suffering and disappointment, is optimistic. It also shows how important is love in our lives and that it's never too late for happiness.
 
Carla, we both suffered through the loss of our husbands and my opinion on the process of getting over the grief is the same. You are a very kind and wise woman.
 
Hoot N Annie said:
BW - I'm in the middle of that process now. And this is the second time, but I've found it doesn't get easier with practice and/or age. Lost my second wife 7 months ago, and I'm doing okay, but I have no idea what will be next. Probably will move back to the mainland next year, but no idea where, etc. No light at the end of the tunnel yet.
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So very sorry for your recent loss.
 
All the decisions and shifts I made when I was younger were made with the most important people of my life in mind...except myself. That changed only a year ago. It's a huge adjustment and a few people in my family are confused, but it's paying off. My kids and grandkids still figure large in some of my decisions otherwise I'd be living in a used trailer somewhere far from here, but this is probably for the best. For now anyway. :)
 
Hoot N Annie, I lost my husband and the best friend at the same time three years ago and I understand what you are through and I am really sorry for your loss. It takes time before one can accept the fact that the life will never be the same. But those we loved for ever stay in our thoughts and hearts. Looking at my sons and granddaughters I know that part of my husband still lives through them.
 
Will I survive losing my husband? I don't rightfully know. But my baby boy never! Losing my husband would shake me to my core. But my beautiful Callie? I will move mountains for that dog. I suppose it's about whatever gives your life meaning.
 
Glad you're moving forward BW, good for you! I don't know how I'd be if my husband went before me, hope I'd be strong but we're so close...I don't know. I can get teary just thinking about the possibility. Carla, Hoot and Vedaarya, my condolences....hugs. :rose:
 
My marriage was happy, that's why it was so hard to accept the loss.But the time to adapt to new life usually comes to everybody. I also seem to have emerged into a stronger, more confident person, decided to do the best of the days that still are ahead of me.
 
SeaBreeze said:
Glad you're moving forward BW, good for you! I don't know how I'd be if my husband went before me, hope I'd be strong but we're so close...I don't know. I can get teary just thinking about the possibility. Carla, Hoot and Vedaarya, my condolences....hugs. :rose:
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I hate the idea of my husband going first as well. I would be a basket case for a very long time. Took me too many decades to find him and I want to keep him at least a couple of decades more.
 
Vedaarya said:
My marriage was happy, that's why it was so hard to accept the loss.But the time to adapt to new life usually comes to everybody. I also seem to have emerged into a stronger, more confident person, decided to do the best of the days that still are ahead of me.
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Condolences and happy for you that you are moving on and finding purpose. You're doing great! Hugs.
 
I have had the same wife for 57 years. I tell her that according to the statistics she is required to outlive me. She disagrees, and says I could function better alone than she could. In only another 18 years I will be 100.
 
Manatee said:
I have had the same wife for 57 years. I tell her that according to the statistics she is required to outlive me. She disagrees, and says I could function better alone than she could. In only another 18 years I will be 100.
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How blessed you are to have a marriage of 57 years. Married people often live longer, hope you both make 100!
 

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