Adult Children living at home

TICA

TICA

Senior Member
Location
East Coast
I hear so many negative things about adult children "STILL" living with their parents but personally, I have no problem with it. For generations this happened and I'm not sure why it is considered such a bad thing these days.

When I was a child (youngest of 5), both of my parents worked full time to support us. My grandparents lived with us during the winter months and basically ran the household, cooking, taking care of runny noses, getting us ready for school etc. During the summer, all of the kids went to their place on the ocean and my parents came every weekend and for their holidays. To me, it was the best of both worlds.

My daughter (early 30's) and my son (late 20's) have both had stints moving back home and I loved it. With the amount of student loans they had, it made me glad I could help them out. It helps that not only do I love them, but I also really like them and we all get along great. If I ever get the new house built, it will have a walkout basement that will be made into a suite specifically for my adult children. I don't support them financially but they will always be able to come home - with or without a family of their own.

I'm just curious how you folks feel about this. I don't think of it as a negative at all.
 

Adult Children coming back home -

TICA, That is a loaded question for me.

I have three adult children (now in their 40's) While in their 20's, the two daughters each came home at one time or another, between school, jobs, before marriage, etc. It was no big deal. They stayed a while and then left. It worked out fine.

My son, however, came back home while his divorce was pending from his first wife. That period of time was a nightmare! They had two small children. When my son brought the kids to our house on the weekends, they (the kids) were most unhappy and they took their frustration out on us, the grandparents... Somehow they blamed us for their parents split, because their father was at our house, even though to this day, I have no idea who did what! They destroyed anything they could get their hands on in our home.
And after everything was final, and our son moved back out, and on to a new life... all these many years later, the kids now ages 21 and 16 still hate us (me).
So if your kids come back home "with family" I hope it's for all the right reasons, not something like this.
 
I think that the negativity about adult children living at home comes from those who are freeloaders or those who have never learned to take care of themselves in the first place. I don't see anything wrong with kids moving back in for a time. My youngest son moved back home twice for a few weeks at a time while he was job hunting. It was fun having him around.
 

Pricklypear:
I think that the negativity about adult children living at home comes from those who are freeloaders or those who have never learned to take care of themselves in the first place
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I personally have numerous friends, acquaintances and a relative or two that are what I call enablers of their adult children. These "kids" are in their late 20's, 30's and 40's. These adult kids are either unemployed or unable to hold a job for more than a couple of months at a time. This does not stop them from producing children of their own and bringing them home for the grandparents to raise, while they do their "thing".

Most of these adult kids have authority issues, drug or alcohol dependency or are just plain lazy and are happy to let the parents support them. I have one divorced relative that has a 42 year old son that has been living with him since this son lost his job almost 5 years ago. This enabling is doing the man no favors by not insisting he stand on his own two feet. This child man also has two children that he is providing no support for.

I am not talking about situations where adult children live in the home and actually help the parents and work as a functioning family unit. This can be a blessing if every one contributes to the work load, social and economic welfare of the family. This is more the exception than the rule, however.


I have no kids. My choice, and no regrets.

 
When Wifey and I married 23 years ago, all four kids (one mine, three hers) were grown and gone. One agreement I made sure we both understood was that no kids would be moving back in with us. Period. Fortunately the issue never came up again as all have done very well. (One of hers passed away since our marriage.)

It's wonderful when parents and kids enjoy having the kids back home, and TICA that's a lovely situation you describe. But far too often it's kids moving in because they can't get launched, with far less than happy results.

I've heard and known of horror stories about this and I'm glad I never had to tell the kids "no". But I dang sure would have!! :dispirited:
 
But I'm not talking about freeloaders, I'm talking about working adult children. It works both ways, the parents provide the living arrangement or maybe the children do and they help each other out, maybe financially, but mostly emotionally and with the work, cooking, whatever. It just seems strange to me that our society - our generation look down on it when for years and years families had this living arrangement. Other cultures still do it and yet we see it as a negative.

I know of many people who have "granny suites" for their parents, why is different for us to have "children suites"?

I'll always have a place in my house for my adult children regardless if it is short term or long term. In my mind, we are a very tight knit family and if I was in need, they would be there for me too. Sometimes I think "family" has developed a new meaning somewhere along the way.......
 
It would be an adjustment for sure, but we'd never turn away family members who needed somewhere to stay; temporarily or not. I think it worked better years ago as everyone lived close from the beginning, usually. Everyone had a role and lived accordingly.

Somewhere along the line, parents decided their children should have more and have it better than they did, and it can be easy to spoil them that way....especially if home is a place where they think everything will be done for them, with no repercussions if they don't do their part. It should be discussed before they move in, so everyone knows what is expected.
 
TICA:
Other cultures still do it and yet we see it as a negative.
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I don't view this as a negative. I think it is wonderful if there is a tight family unit that can get along and each contribute and function as a group. In some cultures the elders are revered and their opinions are sought after. In our culture the elders are often ignored and warehoused.
 
I think that this is something that has to be worked out on a family by family basis. Sometimes there are conflicts between family members that would just make it a hardship if they were all to try and live in the same household. And it also depends on the size of the house, whether there would be room enough for everyone to have some private space, and to live comfortably together.
Ideally, it would seem to be a workable plan, as it used to be in bygone years, when the older parents helped out with the kids, and housework, leaving the parents more free time for work, and to worrying that someone was looking after the children, or having to hire a sitter, or send them to daycare.
 
TICA said:
I hear so many negative things about adult children "STILL" living with their parents but personally, I have no problem with it. For generations this happened and I'm not sure why it is considered such a bad thing these days.

When I was a child (youngest of 5), both of my parents worked full time to support us. My grandparents lived with us during the winter months and basically ran the household, cooking, taking care of runny noses, getting us ready for school etc. During the summer, all of the kids went to their place on the ocean and my parents came every weekend and for their holidays. To me, it was the best of both worlds.

My daughter (early 30's) and my son (late 20's) have both had stints moving back home and I loved it. With the amount of student loans they had, it made me glad I could help them out. It helps that not only do I love them, but I also really like them and we all get along great. If I ever get the new house built, it will have a walkout basement that will be made into a suite specifically for my adult children. I don't support them financially but they will always be able to come home - with or without a family of their own.

I'm just curious how you folks feel about this. I don't think of it as a negative at all.
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The examples you gave regarding your kids sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I think it's good for adult-aged kids to be able to stay awhile, or come back awhile, if they need to save up money, are going through a personal difficulty, or something similar.

However, while I can't speak for situations you're familiar with in generations past, sometimes it was entirely different and very negative. There were adult-aged kids who were manipulated or bullied into never 'leaving home,' in some cases to always be present to take care of their parents in the parents' older years, and even to take on the parents' responsibilities when the parents were fully capable of doing it themselves. I've heard it was a common thing back then, but a young adult posted a similar situation in his own family on a writing site only a year or so ago. Looking back, my heart still breaks for an uncle and two aunts who grew old alone, died alone, and destitute, because their parents 'needed' them.
 
Both of our daughters moved out, moved back in, out again, in again. They both worked while with us. My husband would give them the "money speech"' save your money, pay off debt, student loans, cars, credit cards. They used the time living off of us to renew their wardrobes and shoes while I'd watch all those Nordstrom bags come through, I turned into the maid, cook, etc. Basically, they reverted back to childhood days and I reverted back to the 'mom' mode. There is a time in life kids need to be adults and parents need to enjoy their lives sans kids in the house. We've seen several parents let their kids live with them and never move out and wonder how these kids will ever learn to be adults paying their own bills, budgeting, doing yard work and home maintenance. All that being said, if it was some dire circumstance, they'd be welcome , but with a very short timeline.
 
Never in future dreams/hopes and plans for my sons did I picture living with us as adults. Stuff happens. Oldest at 30 2 years was given a kick in the gut diagnosis of chronic severe depression with other complications. Life changed for all of us. Life is far better today for him and improving each day. Living in the remodeled apartment set up lower level I am sure is far harder on him than us. One day at a time, but I am sure the day will come when he will move on. The day will come when we are not here and I rest knowing he is ok on his own. We all only did this as a family as we all felt it was best, not enabling. No cooking, cleaning, financial support given. Just support and love. He does his share here.

The hardest part was the stupid thought of What will the Neighbors/Family/Friends think?? 2 years now Who cares. My neighbor's son was killed a few years ago. She said to me one day on a walk without knowing the total reason, If you son is with you for a long time that is Ok. I almost cried.
 
I don't know why that's such a horrible thing-having your kids live with you when they are adults. We did that for hundreds of thousands of years. It's only in the last few generations did we kick them out of the house. Those "freeloading, failures" are going to be the care takers of their aging parents. What's worse? Living with your parents or throwing them in an old folks home?
 
I've always had an open-door policy with my kids, and 2 of the 3 have come to stay with me when things got tough. But they're good kids, good people. My youngest son is having a hard time with his oldest son, who is 19. The boy dropped out of school and moved with his girlfriend and her parents to another state when he was 17. My son advised him, of course, that it was unwise, and explained the various reasons why, but the kid went anyway. He didn't go back to school, he got a job at a cafe; cook's helper. When the girlfriend decided to attend college in yet another state, she broke up with him, and he moved back home.

Problem is, he isn't willing to take "just any old job" - he's got to be a cook...and he won't start at the bottom, cause he's done that. His dad offered to help him into a culinary school but the kid won't go earn his GED/diploma equivalent. He won't go get his driver's license. He complains that he doesn't have a smart-tv in his room, like he had at the girlfriend's parent's house. He bosses his little brothers and sisters around. He helps keep the house clean, but surprisingly, he won't cook...says he doesn't like their pots and pans. And he can't be reasoned with; he has a lame argument for ...e v e r y t h i n g. This kid isn't even very likeable, he's too argumentative.

I told my son he's going to have to give this kid a time-frame, like 3 months...or 6, or whatever...to either get a job or go to school. He pointed out that I never did that with him or his siblings, but I didn't have to. He said, "So he's got 3 months, or else what? Or else I kick him out?" He can't do it. At least it isn't a drug problem or anything like that, but it's a bit of a strain on their family.

I don't know. I might be wrong. The kid is 19. Maybe he just needs to grow up some more.
 
Is there an age limit on this concept? 20? 30? 40? I'm just wondering if it would be okay for me to move back in with my parents. (I'm 71, they are in mid 90s..)
 
Every time my daughter came home, she came home with more baggage. First time, a husband and a dog. Next time, no husband, but a baby and a dog. Then just the baby, no dog, no husband.

It wasn't easy but I wouldn't have given up those two years with my granddaughter in my home for all the gold in the world. Things worked out well and it allowed my daughter to finish her degrees and start on an excellent-paying career.
 
My adult daughter moved back home with me when we lost her dad. She didn't like the idea of me being alone. I am very grateful for having her back.
 
This is a very old thread but still relevant today. Thought everybody might enjoy sharing their thoughts about this subject. I myself have an adult son with a disability living at home and I love having his company.
 
I see nothing wrong with it, as long as it works for both sides and the children are not just taking advantage of the parents financially or expecting to be waited on hand and foot
 
I like my space. I like it when Janet is around, and she'll be around much more after August, when she retires, but I would not want my offspring living here. Next door, across the street, cool. Under my roof, no way, Jose!
 
Bonnie said:
Adult Children coming back home -

My son, however, came back home while his divorce was pending from his first wife. That period of time was a nightmare! They had two small children. When my son brought the kids to our house on the weekends, they (the kids) were most unhappy and they took their frustration out on us, the grandparents... Somehow they blamed us for their parents split, because their father was at our house, even though to this day, I have no idea who did what! They destroyed anything they could get their hands on in our home.
And after everything was final, and our son moved back out, and on to a new life... all these many years later, the kids now ages 21 and 16 still hate us (me).
So if your kids come back home "with family" I hope it's for all the right reasons, not something like this.
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This old thread makes me sad .... and surprised me when I read it ...

1) Wow! .. UPDATE ... time sure takes care of things ... These grandkids today are loving and wonderful as adults. .. They both surprised me last year at my 75th birthday party. ... Oldest (28) is in love and happy in her new relationship. She texted me just yesterday about some traveling they will be doing. She lives near Chicago.
Younger one, grandson (23) has moved closer to the area again, and he comes to visit when not busy with work. .... this kid wanted to buy me a TV for my birthday party! ... my daughter, his aunt, told him not to.. lol


2) ... and have to add this .... Anne, TICA, and Ozarkgal .... please come back. ... miss you guys!!!!
 
Our youngest daughter, her husband, and two (now) college attending children live with us or maybe I should say, we live with them. This house had been in the family since it was built in 1921 and back in 1995, we asked them if they'd like to take over the house. They agreed and we gave them the house and retained a life lease.

It was a wonderful choice for all of us. It relieved us of the cost of maintaining a home, electric, water, insurance, taxes, etc., and also was comforting when we were away for a few months without worrying about things. We share many of he tasks and have been built-in "baby sitters" when home. If anyone doesn't like kids than this wouldn't be a good situation. We're gram and gramps to a whole group of teen - early 20's kids and we love 'em all.

Unlike many, who worry about "being a burden", we have no such qualms. Unlike many of these folks, we're not going to arrive on the doorstep when we can't any longer take care of ourselves. We will have been here all of these years, contributing to the various tasks that go with family living. It's been a two way street for us and our kids.
 

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