Alone Again

G

GreginFla

New Member
Location
Central Florida
For so many years our house was full of the sounds of living while raising 4 kids. Usually someone else was staying with us too and you get used to floating in a sea of humanity all the time. But now all that has changed. The kids are on their own and my wife passed away several months ago.

The past few years were very difficult because of her physical and mental health issues and I was full-time caretaker for some time. People were supportive for the first month after her death, but then it was time for everyone to get back to the business of living, and I understand that.

My situation is somewhat different from most because I have been alone for several years, technically. In fact, not long after her passing there was a feeling of “relief” after the incredible despair and sadness left.A huge burden was suddenly lifted from my shoulders, yet I felt guilty about this and could not enjoy the simplicity of life again.

But I am getting over the feelings of guilt because I know I did everything I could. I stayed with her to the very end and was there 24/7 in the hospital and hospice facility during the most difficult times of our lives. It was absolutely horrific and not something I would ever recommend to anyone, but when you truly love someone you never give up on them and it is the only road you can take (even if they can no longer care for themselves and can barely speak). There are no other options.

When you are head of the family you have to be Superman during times of crisis and uncertainty. And when it is time to put the capea way and return to being Clark Kent, the adjustment is difficult. So what is my point? I am not sure.

I lived for two years on my own when I first moved out of my parents house at 19. And now it is like I have come full circle and am back on my own (alone again). It is not bad, but my situation has left me isolated and with few friends. So now I start the process of living again, and I remember the advice from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”. You get busy living or get busy dying. I want to live and make the most of my life. It is my time now and I can think more clearly and start to take care of my needs and desires.

So, all of this has brought me to this forum. I have no idea where I am going from here, but it is like a new adventure where you do not know what lies over the next hill or around the corner. It is exciting because Ihave no fear of the unknown, just great expectations.

If anyone is interested (or still awake after reading this lengthy rambling)…what are your thoughts? I would like to know.
 

I'm not living alone, thankfully I still have my husband with me. I just wanted to welcome you and give my condolences for the loss of your wife. Sounds to me like you were a loving husband and good father, hope you find some peace and happiness in your future. :rose:
 
Your post struck a chord with me. My life bears some similarities. My Mother had a stroke, a truly massive one, that left her paralyzed on one side, unable to talk and incontinent. Her vocabulary was reduced to less than 10 words. But she was sweet and loving and there was no way I could relegate her to a nursing home. So, for twelve years I took care of her in my home with the help of aids so I could work during the day. It was difficult and sometimes crushing not just physically but emotionally. I would cry in the shower or while driving because it hurt so much to see my Mom this way.

Our house back then was filled with activity. The kids were in high school (both are now married with children of their own) and most time their friends joined us for dinner. I worked full time, my then-husband traveled extensively for his job so he was gone much of the time and my Mom and the kids kept me on my toes.

By 2008, my Mom had passed, my daughters were finished college and one was married, my husband and I realized that we couldn't sew the tattered ends of our marriage back together so we divorced and life as I knew it was over.

It's been a process without a roadmap to figure out what to do next. But the path reveals itself. For me it meant selling a house that was much too big for just one person, semi-retiring, moving to a smaller home in a lovely rural community and traveling to see my family.

This is just a synopsis of what was ten years of reinventing my life. You have the right attitude, it's a new adventure and there will be wonderful surprises ahead.
 

Hi Greg and welcome. Unfortunately your experience is the same as many people, especially seniors. My condolences to you on the loss of your wife. Welcome to the forum; you can come here and "talk" and maybe have a few laughs or get into a few unimportant skirmishes but it's a nice place to visit with peers. You seem to have a good attitude, so definitely "get busy living."
 
My wife died 5 years ago. I still cannot get over it. Even though she was ill I preferred it to living alone.

The nights are particularly horrible and I am prone to vivid dreams. Not bad dreams. Just vivid ones where it seems I am awake in them. Last night I dreamt someone gave me $100.00. I woke up broke again.

My advice to you is get a pet. They are great for seniors. Research the ones that would be good for a senior.

All I have is a goldfish now but it's something other than me that's alive.
 
Welcome Gregg. I have not gone through what you have as my parents died young and I have been divorced for several years but I do know what it feels like to be alone. My two girls are married and have children that are almost grown. They are very busy with their lives and I don't see a lot of them. Glad you found us here. Good people here and hope you enjoy the forum.
 
Hi Greg and welcome!

Many of us like you, are alone. I understand your sadness but you sound strong and like you're on the right path. I hope you'll continue posting here; we're happy to keep you company.

purple flowers.jpg
 
Thank you Camper6,

Actually I have a dog and cat but they are getting on in years and may be the last ones I have. I am thinking about splitting my time between Kansas City and Florida in the future. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
 
Welcome, Greg. My condolences. Anyone who has watched a loved one die slowly or painfully understands that death can be a blessing. I've been there.

Alone doesn't always have to mean lonely. Keep busy doing things that you enjoy doing. You need to be your own best friend so be good to yourself, treat yourself with a denied pleasure occasionally.

And don't be too hasty to fill the empty spot. It's better to be alone than with an unpleasant companion.
 
I watched my mother die by inches for six years. Takes a toll, and the emotional exhaustion can last a long time. In time, I grew to enjoy my freedom, and when I was ready, embraced the world again. This forum is a good place to start. Welcome.
 
HIGreginFla,first of all my condolences to you on your wife's passing. I hope with each day you continue to stay upbeat
I've lived alone for most of my adult life,never found the right guy' to settle down with.I'm the only member of my family that chose to stay here in Buffalo because of my job.My siblings live elsewhere
I have a group of close friends who I consider my 'extended family'members,we are there for each other no matter what the situation
I want to welcome you aboard this friendly site,glad you found us.You'll meet some wonderful people here Sue in Buffalo,NY
 
Hello Greg and welcome from New Jersey. Very sorry for your loss. I still have my hubby but was with both my parents until the end and we were very, very, close. I take great comfort in knowing I was there for them as you were with your wife. Now we have to move on but we will never forget.
 
Welcome to one of the friendliest boards on the internet.
I too am alone. My husband passed in May of this year from Mesothelioma, a horrible, horrible disease. His wish was to die at home and I honored that wish. All the ‘caring’ folks have now moved on to their full, busy, happy lives. My kids also moved on, a lot quicker than the others. I have two choices, remake my life and move forward or be miserable. I’m making uncomfortable choices to move forward, I’ve planned a cruise in January, scary, you betcha, but I’ll be fine. I’ve found walking to be my saviour. I walk 5-7 miles a day, every day of the week. Finding it better than any grief support group or therapy.
Life is what you make it, one must move on, as hard as it can be. Just remember if you fail, get back up and keep going.
 
Sorry for your loss... choosing to stay alone is way more common than we think. I lost my husband May 27, 2011 at the age of 58... from diagnosis to death was 1 year. I won't go into details here except to say the empty spaces left were huge back then. My dreams today tell me the pain of his death is just as intense as the day it happened. But the spaces of pain are getting more distant if nothing else. I preferred being alone because I was not good company after it happened... now even 7 years later I am still single because and have no patience for dumb behavior. Maybe that will change someday... I won't hold my breath. So today my heart heals in helping my family, watching my 6 year old grand daughter as she blossoms. Peace to you and yours during the coming holidays.
 


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