Am I wrong??

Ladybj

Senior Member
Long story short. Hubby and I went through a VERY HARD financial period about 6 years ago. He is the type that a dime will burn a hole in his pocket..well with inflation.. a quarter..lol. He is not good with money. Our finances got so bad that we went through Chapter 13 (he has gone through bankruptcy about 3x) me 2x since being with him. During that time he got himself caught up really bad in those payday loans, we filed chapter 13, our house was foreclosed on.. that's the point where we separated and was close to divorce.

Fast forward.. we got back together. He put money in my account to handle the bills and our credit score has increased tremendously. We purchased a home.. very beautiful. I feel this is my retirement home. Ok.. here is my issue. About 2 years ago he made it possible for me to get my dream vehicle which is a Lexus SUV (which it was time for me to get another vehicle)... I have a few more years to pay on it and no more vehicle payments....OH NO... Hubby wants a brand new truck.. he already has a 2007 Yukon which runs very well. We had a deep discussion tonight regarding finances. He said once your vehicle is paid off I am getting my truck. I was like, I do not want to be in a financial bind anymore. Without a vehicle payment we will be just fine... we are doing fine now, but I find myself using my cc a bit more than I want to at times...he does also. He buys things and order things he does not need, I feel us moving back into a financial bind very slowly. I cannot and will not go back into that financial hole. I will sell my home and we separate again before that happens. That was a VERY dark depressed period in my life. He knows because he was there. I will not sign my name on the dotted line for him to get a vehicle. Mind you, we are not getting younger, we have to start thinking smarter financially and being on this forum has really open my eyes to a few things. Thanks to all that has taken the time to read and respond.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
You both need to take Dave Ramsay's course, "Financial Peace University."
Thank you or your response but hubby will not be willing to take the course. We both worked hard to get our credit score up and its high as its ever been. He don't need a course, he need common sense and understanding of the challenge we overcame and understanding I am not going backwards.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
Maybe he has emotional issues for which buying stuff proves a panacea? I don't think YOU can help him. He's been through this 3X as you say. Just don't sign or cosign anything that will enable him to continue this destructive behavior pattern.

I hope he gets some help for this.
Yes... he does need help and this time I WILL NOT be a co dependent co-signer.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
Blah. I refused to sign loans too. My husband was able to get what he wanted anyway. Good luck.
I am sure he may be able to get his truck on his own.. However, when I see the truck parked in the driveway.. he will see a For Sale sign for our home outside as well.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
I Hope he wakes up and realizes how foolish he is being now and in the past. It's about time he learns you can't keep spending as you get older. Sending you prayers that he stops his childish behavior.
Thank you. It's like dealing with a child that can't get his way...arrrgghhh.. time to grow up.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
I love my hubby and do not want this issue to cause us to split up but it may. I will not go back to that financial black hole. IT WAS HORRIBLE. He has no idea how it made me feel. Back then I had a little savings and a creditor called me and I paid off his debt.. so awful. Just thinking about it bring tears to my eyes. He has a beautiful home.. damn what more does he want. Sorry for the curse word.. is that ok?
 

Knight

Senior Member
Are you sure by virture of being his wife you won't be legally responsible for the debt he incurs?

Coming back from the kind of situations you describe doesn't happent to very many people. Earning power to buy a dream home & Lexus isn't the usual recovery most experience.

So if you want to be sure of where you will end up if his lack of financial ability spending wise bothers you. Check with a lawyer.

Marriage is a partnership where concern for your partner comes before any "want". You have a choice to make now. His "want" or your peace of mind.
 

Ladybj

Senior Member
Original Poster
Are you sure by virture of being his wife you won't be legally responsible for the debt he incurs?

Coming back from the kind of situations you describe doesn't happent to very many people. Earning power to buy a dream home & Lexus isn't the usual recovery most experience.

So if you want to be sure of where you will end up if his lack of financial ability spending wise bothers you. Check with a lawyer.

Marriage is a partnership where concern for your partner comes before any "want". You have a choice to make now. His "want" or your peace of mind.
It took a few years for us to build up our credit for the purchase of the lexus and our home.... did not happen overnight. I choose my PEACE OF MIND. His want definitely comes before his concern for me. Sad to say but I speak truth. Wow... I cannot believe I had a truth breakthrough. No, I am not sure if I will be responsible. But my best friend is divorced and her husband purchased a truck in is name only and trying to make her liable for half... so unfair..smh.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
I love my hubby and do not want this issue to cause us to split up but it may. I will not go back to that financial black hole. IT WAS HORRIBLE. He has no idea how it made me feel. Back then I had a little savings and a creditor called me and I paid off his debt.. so awful. Just thinking about it bring tears to my eyes. He has a beautiful home.. damn what more does he want. Sorry for the curse word.. is that ok?
If he doesn't care how you feel, you know what you gotta do.
I was married to a woman who didn't care how I felt, either. It was a 2-year marriage.
 

Warrigal

SF VIP
This is coming from left field but I have found that this course of action is effective when communication is difficult.

Write him a love letter. Before you start take time to calm yourself and focus your thoughts on your love and on the good things in your relationship. Only then should you begin to write.

Tell him that you love him and how much you have valued his presence in your life. Don't even begin to talk about the current issue until you have done this honestly and fulsomely. Talk about your feelings for him.

Only then should you move on to tell him how you are feeling about your financial situation. Try to get him to understand how his plan to buy the new vehicle affects you. Do not blame him for your emotions but you must make it clear to him that you are unhappy and unwilling to go down this path again. Make no threats or ultimatums.

When you are done pouring out your heart, ask him to sit with you while you read him your letter. Hold his hand while you do so. Don't be surprised if you begin to weep. That is what tends to happen when you are being this open about your feelings.

It is important that you just write from your heart. Don't worry about how it sounds. Just let it flow and keep writing until you are done but whatever you do, don't make him the villain. No garbage dumping which means don't pull him down in any way. If you can avoid doing that you may find his response is to reach out to you rather than pull against you.

Hubby and I learned this technique on a marriage encounter weekend. It is very powerful if you do it lovingly rather than as an accusation.

Good luck to you both and I hope you can find a path forward together.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
I love my hubby and do not want this issue to cause us to split up but it may. I will not go back to that financial black hole. IT WAS HORRIBLE. He has no idea how it made me feel. Back then I had a little savings and a creditor called me and I paid off his debt.. so awful. Just thinking about it bring tears to my eyes. He has a beautiful home.. damn what more does he want. Sorry for the curse word.. is that ok?
If you want a very stressful rest of your life, that's your choice to make. But then, you can't blame him for your choice.
Similar to some women who choose to stay with an abuser, then complain about being abused.
 

toffee

Senior Member
Location
uk
Going to be honest with you ---you are with a man you cannot trust !!!!
like they say leopards dont change there SPOTS '' lady bj yu seem to be living on a knife edge with him '
so what ime saying is pay off the car you have - if he mentions the truck and you know he will get it one way
or another 'put your home up for sale 'let him see enough is enough in your life time '

split the home go your own way and live without the black cloud looming everyday -woman can take just so much ..
take heed ladybj ...
 

Aunt Bea

SF VIP
Location
Near Mount Pilot
From your post, it sounds like you have a few years to go before your husband feels it will be his turn to have his new dream vehicle so I would start saving for that purchase now. Who knows when the time comes you may both be able to compromise and get along with one basic vehicle.

As far as the use of credit cards creeping in I would talk to your husband about each of you having a small allowance to buy whatever you like and when the allowance is gone it's gone.

Good luck!
 

Ronni

The motormouth ;)
Location
Nashville TN
The very first thing I would do is to see a lawyer and get some information regarding what exactly you are responsible for financially in your marriage. No matter who signs are you both responsible for the debt? If you divorce will you still be mutually responsible for whatever debt was incurred while you were married? That kind of thing.

I'd not assume anything, unless you've been very specific information by a lawyer before, and even then I'd get a new consultation because these laws can change and you will have no clue.

I don't think you're in a position to make a decision about what you'll do if he gets that truck till you have the most reliable and current information about what you're responsible for.

And I agree with what someone else said, you can't really trust him. It's entirely possible to love someone and still not trust them, which is a sad state of affairs. But you can't trust him, and you can't control him, which is why I urge you to find out definitively what you're legally responsible for debt wise, what you can legally liquidate without his signature (the house? your car? etc.) and get all your ducks in a row and all your information current so you know exactly what you're options are.
 

Sunny

SF VIP
Location
Maryland
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it sounds like he's been pretty generous about helping you achieve your financial dreams. Why shouldn't he achieve his (getting a new truck after 12 years) also?

Sounds you both could use some marriage counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
 

StarSong

Well-known Member
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it sounds like he's been pretty generous about helping you achieve your financial dreams. Why shouldn't he achieve his (getting a new truck after 12 years) also?

Sounds you both could use some marriage counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
You took the words right out of my mouth keyboard, Sunny. By my reckoning his truck will be over 15 years old by the time the Lexus is paid off.
 
Yes... he does need help and this time I WILL NOT be a co dependent co-signer.
Good for you!

I know where you are coming from because I was in a similar situation some years ago.

First, find out from an attorney whether or not you could be held personally liable for the truck if you divorced, and the laws in your state about property and debt division in your state generally. Trouble is, though, that even if you were not directly liable for the truck debt, it could spill over on you on other ways. For instance, paying the truck loan could cause hardship and/or inability to pay other bills.

Since I don't care much about cars themselves (just need to get from here to there), I'd probably offer to give up the Lexus and get something more economical if he'd get a cheaper truck.

Otherwise, I'd be out of there and divorced (separated doesn't protect you, except in a few states) Note that if you wait to file divorce papers until after he has bought the truck, you could still be stuck on it if you're in a community property state.

I'd make it clear that he has to choose, and stick with it.

People with the kind of problem you are describing (spendthrift) re generally not amenable to help, no matter what they say. And I agree with Ronni above, that if you can't trust him it isn't a tenable marriage.

I was dumb and believed all the crap about how he would change, etc. Nope, he just did stuff behind my back and hid things. I wound up in a big mess that it took me years to disentangle. DON'T DO THAT!
 

Catlady

Well-known Member
Location
Southern AZ
He has done it 3 times and is on his way to #4. He hasn't learned his lesson and never will, most people learn after their first mistake. I would not be married to someone who is a financial tornado. Unless you can see a lawyer and figure out a way to keep your finances separate, I would say divorce him if you want financial stability.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
One woman I dated years ago had screwed-up parents. They had three kids. The mother was a gambling addict. (Yeah...great choice, dad). He married her because she was beautiful - on the outside - & validated his manhood....."Look what I got."
She would gamble the mortgage, food & utility money. She would take drugs that enabled her to stay awake for 4 days straight so she could play cards non stop - & of course became a drug addict as well. And (stupid) dad frequently took out his frustration on the kids - physically and mentally.
After almost losing their house, her husband told her she'd have to get a job & use that money for gambling or he would divorce her. She got a part-time job in a pharmacy.....big mistake - lots of drugs available.
After one 3-day binge, she fell asleep while driving home & was killed when her car rolled over the freeway embankment.
Ugly truth: That was the best thing she ever did for her family....who I'm sure felt a sense of relief.
 


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