Any other widows/widowers out there having trouble adjusting?

janfromflorida

janfromflorida

Member
Location
Forida
I'm having a hard time with these first holidays alone. This one seems to be the worst as last July I held a big birthday party for my husband just a week from now. Yes, I've joined a couple of online support groups and made a effort at socializing. I'm just sad.
 

Jan, I'm so sorry for your loss and you have every reason in the world to be sad. My sister lost her husband just before Easter this year and it wasn't anything anyone saw coming. She is having a terrible time too but recognizes that is normal. Not a good normal, but normal nevertheless. Father's day came and went, his birthday would have been in August and he missed his only grandchild's graduation. Very emotional times as I'm sure you know too. I'm divorced but still went through a grieving process after the marriage break up, that I thought I'd never get over. I tried to keep busy and one thing that helped me was that I gutted my cottage right down to the studs. Nothing like swinging a sledge hammer to get out the anger and frustration. I figured I saved thousands of dollars on therapy by being as busy and physical as possible. Since my brother-in-laws death, my sister has repainted almost every room in her house just to stay busy. She isn't sure if she'll be able to keep the house yet but has chosen to go ahead as if she will. We also get out as much as possible, even if it's only for a drive and a coffee along the way. I hope you have friends near you that you can spend time with. I wish I could offer more tips but I'm just an old divorcee and have not lost a spouse through death and that, I'm sure is harder to take especially if you had a loving marriage.

I'm glad you joined the forum, you have friends here!!!!!
 
Thank you, Guys! Yes I had become a hermit for a while, but neighbors urged me to get out in the daylight. In fact right now I've just come back from a cookout that I didn't know about until this morning. I expected to spend the day alone, but my friend/neighbor called to say our park was having this get together. It was nice.
As for the house, I am doing things in spurts. Had a yard sale a couple of weeks ago. Last week finally managed to open my husband's dresser and send most things off to a church rummage sale. Financially I won't be able to stay here and have put my name on a list for HUD senior housing. They say it may be a year or so until something opens up and I think I can hang on that long. As I get the energy I am chipping away at our accumulated "junque."
I just feel like a wind-up toy. For a while I can go pretty good, but slow down to a stall in short order. This anniversary of my husband's birthday and the memories of all the happiness that was around it just depresses me right now. I will keep kicking myself to keep going and I am sure I will make it through. You don't know how much I appreciate this board. The good people with their humor here help me a lot, especially when I am down like this. Thank you for being here.
 
Sending hugs your way, too ! I am glad that you found this group, also. When we have to pick up the pieces of our lives and keep on, it is always hard, from any cause.
Losing someone we love, I think is the very hardest to deal with , and it is just going to take a while to recover. When my husband of almost 30 years left, I didn't want to live, or to even try, anymore. But , eventually, things got better. I met a man that takes good care of me, and I do my best to take care of him, and even though it is not the same as that first love, it works, and I am not alone anymore.
I really enjoy the comradeship that we have on this seniors forum. There are so many different views, but we all can express ourselves in a friendly way, and you never know what interesting topic will come up next.
 
Jan, I'm so sorry for your loss, and can't imagine how tough it would be if my husband went before me. Being sad, especially around those occasions that were special, is probably unavoidable. Glad you're here with us too, as we all do really care about each other here...hugs. :girl_hug:

My sister lost her husband the April before last at the age of 65, due to cancer. She still grieves, but she lives in the house next to her daughter, and her two grandchildren help keep her mind off of things, and keep her busy.

Keep in mind that your hubby would want to to be as happy as possible, and I know he's looking down now and basking in the warmth of your love. :sentimental: Meanwhile we'll send warm thoughts your way. :love_heart:
 
Jan, of course your sad. Losing a spouse must be the hardest thing in life to deal with. When a spouse is lost, so is one's entire lifestyle in many cases. Dealing with the loss of a beloved and trying to sort out financial concerns, living arrangements and personal effects at the same time makes for rough times. By your post, it sounds like you are a strong lady who recognizes the importance of putting one foot in front of the other, making social contacts and keep going on a daily basis.

No doubt you will have rough days, your loss is still new. In time the pain will be less, your life will smooth out and you will be able to focus more on the memories you and hubby made over a lifetime together, instead of the sadness.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope joining the forum and talking about it helps you on your journey in healing.
 
Adjusting/ I have a hard time just adjusting to the word 'widow', as I have only been one for 4 months. I was married 49 years to my high school sweetheart.

Jan, I hope you can stay grounded. And that you have both family and faith around you like I do, because your brain can play tricks on you, and you need someone who can think straight when it is needed the most. The demands on you, especially in the very beginning of this new existence, just don't seem fair, when all you want to do is escape. Nothing seems fair. Going through many emotions is normal, they are all over the place.

As I've been told, do not think about making any major adjustments in your life for at least 2 years. Let everything settle down to this 'new normal' first.
And, depending on the situation, I'm not sure that divorce and death are that much different from one another. And in some instances, maybe divorce can be a harder blow. I don't know.

Take care of yourself Jan. Remember, we are never given a bigger burden to bare then we can handle. I firmly believe that.
 
I can't begin to imagine how it must feel to lose a spouse. I'm sure it will take time to adjust, but I'm also sure things will get better in time.

Keep the happy memories of your life together. but keep in touch with your friends and family too.
 
Well said and good advice Boo's Mom...my condolences for the loss of your husband. I know it can't be easy for you, wishing you the best.
 
Oh, Boo's Mom hugs to you! For me it is six months. Since most of my family is out of state I don't have much support in that area but I have gotten involved with activities here in the mobile home park where I live and also have gone back to church, where there is a nice group of people (and good music!). I was going to go to a grief support group, but other stuff kept getting in the way. Now I think I am going to a meeting on the 24th if nothing else pops up. As you may have read in another thread, I had begun fitness stuff and tore a tendon. So now I have PT twice a week instead. So even that would keep me from slipping back into the hermit mode. But this is a hard road we are treading and I'm sure it is going to take a long while to fit into our new lives. My thanks to everyone on this board for being a great source of lightness and levity, which has been helping me make it through these dark days.
 
Yes Jan, do reach out and get involved in whatever is available. It raises your spirits tremendously! I like the Public Library nearby. Neighbors are wonderful too, especially if they have been around you a long time and feel like family.
Mine are that way. Every single family on the street came to my husband's Memorial Service.

I don't know your circumstances, but I had a long period of adjusting to what was coming and I prepared myself for it. Not that you can fully prepare for the end, but I didn't have shock factor involved.

And after all is said and done, as they say, there is a fine line between laughing and crying... choose to laugh.
And last thing, when alone, listen to Music .. it's wonderful therapy.
 

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