Anyone else taking care of a parent?

T

Tahoenativegirl

New Member
I know titles this “taking care” of a parent but have to say that isn’t exactly how it sounds. I am 53 and after the death of my mom this year I have moved in with my dad mainly to keep him from being so lonely but also to feed him and help him with things. My mom
Passed away suddenly earlier this year and after 55 yrs married it was only a matter of a couple months that the signs of “not caring” about small things like dishes etc started to show. I am the oldest of my siblings and my son is an adult now while my sister still has HS age niece of mine at home.

It has been working out fine but I will say I do battle times where I feel like I have out my life on hold….this is not a complaint by any means just an emotion I go thru from time to time. Thankfully I am still working remotely and am home during the day for things.

My dad gets around with his walker, he is 80 but has a stubborn streak and won’t allow me or anyone else to help with like cutting a tree down in the back yard 😳 so at least I can check on him I guess. I apologize for rambling just curious if I am not alone in my situation. Dating would be amazing but how do I do that considering??
 

I am not currently but my Mom did live with me for a couple of years before she passed. She was also in her 80's at the time. Your situation is different in that she was not in mourning. My Dad had died in his 30's.

I am also a widow but I have no interest in dating so I can't help with any advice. I am sure someone her can help by sharing their situations that are similar.
 
Don't wait to date. Live your own life as fully as you can. You never know what can befall your own future. Take care of yourself NOW. 53 is still young. I'm speaking from experience.
 

I know a woman in a similar situation. Getting other members to help out or share the load is sometimes troublesome. You get to do all or most of the work, which allows little time for yourself.

Maybe it’s time to have a family meeting? When my mom was fading and I could see death wasn’t too far away in the future, I considered it a pleasure to help my mom. My sister did 80% of taking care of mom. She even lived with my sister. My contribution was to make sure mom had everything she needed, take her away when she just wanted to get out for a bit and give my sister a break whenever she needed a time out. I enjoyed the time I had with mom. We talked a lot about the “good old days.” She enjoyed that.
 
As a nurse, I saw a lot of family members burn themselves out with caring for a parent. Sooner or later, the care needed is more than one person can manage. Love, and guilt about "putting the parent in a home" drives some to exhaustion. I think a son/daughter has to realistically evaluate the care needed, and the amount of care available. You want to remember your parent lovingly, and not as an intolerable burden.
 
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I'm the aging parent being "taken care of." I hate being dependent on DD to get me to and from work, but I have night blindness, and it's dark o'clock when I go in. Also, I gave away my car at 80 because I'd always promised myself that the car would be gone at 80 so I wouldn't be "that" old lady who did stupid things behind the wheel. And because I sort of got "lost" just a couple of miles from home in an area that I know well. I still feel creepy and get very anxious when going somewhere on that stretch of road.

Not to worry...I don't exactly live with DD; I have my own flat behind their garage but connected to their house. Kitchen, bath, bedroom, walk-in closet, sitting room, separate entrance and a door that locks between their house and my flat.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
As a nurse, I saw a lot of family members burn themselves out with caring for a parent. Sooner or later, the care needed is more than one person can manage. Love, and guilt about "putting the parent in a home" drives some to exhaustion. I think a son/daughter has to realistically evaluate the care needed, and the amount of care available. You want to remember your parent lovingly, and not as an intolerable burden.
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This was me. My mom had a stroke so was hospitalized until a nursing home opened up and I had to care for my dad by myself. He was 89 and while he wasn’t trying to cut down trees, he WAS trying to drive without a license. What I didn’t know what that he had 3 sets of keys so I had to hide the car behind the shed and take the battery out. When I’d taken both sets of keys he found the car with his third set and phoned me furious.

It’s common for aging parents to lash out at the ones caring for them. It’s not legal to steal your parents car keys to prevent them from driving. They have to be on board and sometimes they aren’t. My dad had another cars’ licence plate imprint on his off white coloured car however he refused to see it.

When it came time for my mom to go into specialized care at a nursing home, my dad kidnapped her. I was told by the government to call the police so I did.

Caring for these two took every once of patience and tolerance. Once I found a nursing home I handed the entire thing over to my brother since this was HIS responsibility. I haven’t seen or heard from any of my family since. That was over 3 years ago. I don’t know if my parents are even alive. My gut instinct tells me my mom died.

I do miss them. What I did was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I’m glad I did it. They got to spend their last few years together in a well cared for facility. I made them Christmas cookies, played my saxophone and sang for them, then left.
 
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Georgiagranny said:
Not to worry...I don't exactly live with DD; I have my own flat behind their garage but connected to their house. Kitchen, bath, bedroom, walk-in closet, sitting room, separate entrance and a door that locks between their house and my flat.
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Thanks for the description, I often wondered about the "hovel" - whether it was a tiny home, converted garage, manufactured home or something else.
 
I cared for my dad. He still lived independently but was getting lost going places he had been going all his life and had started falling down a lot. I worked full time, took him to his medical appointments and most calls from him ended with me getting cussed at about something. His anger had become so bad the subsidised housing where he lived was threatening to evict him. I visited him nearly every weekend and made sure he had somewhere to be on Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday. He spent nights with us, came to the cabin with us, etc.

As most of you probably have heard me say, my dad was abusive my entire life. Dementia just made that worse. He had placed me in charge of his care decades earlier with POA, etc.

When the time came that he needed to get into assisted living I became enemy number one and the man tried to destroy me. I tried to have a family meeting about it. Only one daughter and her husband showed up along with one nephew. The daughter and SNL supported me. The nephew and his sisters did not. My other daughter and son did not come.

Long story short, nephew and his sisters did not believe he needed assisted living and lawyer said I would need to have him declared incompetent in order to force him into it. That was very expensive and the outcome was not guaranteed. My own health was falling apart from the constant stress. I had breast cancer and multiple surgeries for other issues. Hell would have frozen over before I moved him in with me.

I walked away. I retired and moved. I quit answering his abusive phone calls. I answered calls from my nephew. My nephew learned a whole lot. He had no idea what I had been dealing with. He later apologized and said he had not understood the situation.

Today I think a lot of my nephew and am grateful that he stepped up, learned, and admitted he was wrong. We eventually resolved the situation together and I split half of the estate with him.

I guess the only thing that still bothers me is why do we continue to do "the right thing" for someone who has abused us our entire lives? I should have walked away from that situation decades earlier.
 
Well Tahoe, you need some companionship, and you also feel the need to help your father.

I think somehow you might be able to manage both, with the right companion. I hope you can.

If your father can perform simple tasks like doing his laundry, cooking, washing up his dishes, taking out the trash, etc. let him! Encourage him.

I've seen adult children try to baby their capable parents but actually take away their confidence, so that they become a burden . Then the kids get upset.

I love that you don't want him to be lonely. Have some company come over for a game night once in awhile or for coffee and chat.

Finally, I offer my condolences for the loss of your mother. Take care of yourself.
 

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