Had my MIL move in with us for 7 yrs. It was tough - more mentally/emotionally - because she was truly a very sweet person. But she had moderate dementia (more than just a mild case, but not serious/life-threatening in any way) and it was hard for both of us to cope with. We never had kids from choice, and to have a 76-yr old introverted child raised h**l with our retiree lifestyle.
A big problem was that Spouse and I don't have fixed regular schedules. We get up at different times of the day: sometimes together, sometimes separately. We may eat breakfast at 11:30a or make it a lunch meal instead. We were accustomed to doing our driving trips (3-6 days away) every 6-8 weeks, usually doing midweek trips but sometimes including a weekend. We go see our friends but don't have them come over often (our BFs and family are still working, for example; whereas we took early retirement).
Our interests were TOTALLY opposite hers. We talk about world history and trends, global politics and economics. He's a lifelong wargamer; I'm an old movie fan but we're both sci-fi/MCU fans. We also read voraciously. We're gourmets and love dining out as often as we can.
She was a "I must watch my Jeopardy show every day." Could barely read (sixth grade education in Hong Kong, standard for her generation). She found sci-fi movies confusing and scary. Dementia made it hard for her to read a menu (different fonts, different graphic layouts - all confuse dementia victims).
Had to have her Cheerios every morning. She was flabbergasted the first time I scrambled some eggs for dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. Conversely she didn't enjoy it when I cooked the spicy curries, SE Asian food, the French and German cuisines, the Latin American dishes, which spouse and I prefer. She liked her food plain and identifiable!
And I second the frustration of having her nod "yes" although she didn't really understand what we were saying. The inability to remember recent things - taking her medications was the worst. She was scared of so many things, having been super-protected by both her husbands (which is, for any traditionalist men out there, NOT doing your wife any favors!). Dementia made her super-anxious, a very common symptom but hard for us to deal with.
And then there was the year when she took out $10K in cash from the ATM through regular withdrawals, but couldn't tell us where the money went. We never did track it down, LOL. Fortunately she was fine with spouse taking over her finances.
My spouse had already suffered a stroke at age 50. Having her live with us made his BP rocket sky-high. She was a sweetheart, but as an only child he had no experience in dealing with someone as helpless as she was. She couldn't/wouldn't drive, hated doing anything alone but always wanted to tag along, even though she found everything we did boring or incomprehensible.
Refused to make any friends even though she went to the senior centers twice a week, regularly. People liked her, they would ask her to go out or come over to visit, and she refused every one of them.
It was like having a permanent "third wheel" constraining us. Eventually she felt like an albatross around our necks, even though she never meant to be. After my spouse's BP got so high, so consistently, I feared he would have another stroke - his are haemorrhagic, not clots; if he gets another one it could kill him or disable him permanently.
I put my foot down and said "enough is enough". We started investigating senior facilities around our home. We had very specific concerns, and after research got the list down to 9, one of which we were already familiar with. We visited the other 8, got the list down to 2 (all without her).
Note we took our time, doing this took almost a full year. For the 2 finalists it took another 6 mos of multiple visits before we chose one. We finally took her along for another 2 visits before signing papers. We did a 3rd final visit with her to let her choose the studio unit she liked best.
It was well worth spending the time to be careful. We think this is the biggest mistake most people make. Every single facility is different: not just different buildings, layouts, services. They differ in how they are managed, the legal "fine print", staff turnover, and most of all, the culture/atmosphere.
It only took a month before MIL fit right in and was markedly happier. She loved the residents (who had the same interests she did, plus new ones she joined in on), loved the staff (and they loved her in return). She felt safe on their 5-acre secured campus with its own senior center. It got to the point we had to book our time with her in advance because she was so busy!
Children forget - the biggest issue with dealing with elderly parents is not always the physical deterioration. It's the loss of companionship, as family peers die off and friends move away. Different generations often see the world differently, like different music, have different hobbies and interests. MIL was lonely and isolated, and needed the socializing of her peers - not her kids.
