Arguments with your partner, that have no solution , can ruin your day.

Paco Dennis

Paco Dennis

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Location
Mid-Missouri
Lately I have been experiencing problems ( mainly involving serious health issues ) with my partner. One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated. It is like we think we deserve reparations for the time we were not treated fairly. When we feel like we are not treated fairly we don't like it, and sometimes fight. (Not physically ) It becomes some kind of impasse.
No one is perfect, nor is any relationship. It seems like one has to just let the unsolvable trouble fade away...and it usually does. I guess maybe it is just another bump in the road.
It feels like a no win situation. You say your sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you stand your ground, the other feels misunderstood and hurt. So what we do is go off on our own until the bad weather passes. Is there a shorter way?
 

We learned, a long time ago, to let the BS go in one ear, and out the other. There is NO way that two people can live together without having some conflicts....but, if both parties can keep their mouths shut, and think before speaking, problems can be worked out. We've put up with each other for about 57 years, and should make it the rest of the way.
 
30 years here...and we always make up. I do think that some self control on my part would go a long way. It's tough when you want to blow steam, but I don't want to us to become

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Paco Dennis said:
Lately I have been experiencing problems ( mainly involving serious health issues ) with my partner. One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated. It is like we think we deserve reparations for the time we were not treated fairly. When we feel like we are not treated fairly we don't like it, and sometimes fight. (Not physically ) It becomes some kind of impasse.
No one is perfect, nor is any relationship. It seems like one has to just let the unsolvable trouble fade away...and it usually does. I guess maybe it is just another bump in the road.
It feels like a no win situation. You say your sorry, but that isn't good enough. If you stand your ground, the other feels misunderstood and hurt. So what we do is go off on our own until the bad weather passes. Is there a shorter way?
Click to expand...
Isolating this for a reason.

Quote
"One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated."

Is your partner the one that is sick & you are the one treating less than cordial? Why "they" ? They usually is in reference to two or more.

After an argument is there any dialog about the futility of arguing about, as you put it something that has no solution? Can you then laugh about what it was?
 
Make a list of other ways to let off steam?
And then, look at the list, each time first, whenever feeling the urge to speak harshly or in haste?
On the list might be: Type or write the stuff with full blast, and then, let it go. (Not intended to give or tell the other? ) Possibly , then write the things that are more important to you?
Or, do some small physical specific movement, such as bang some cushion or box with something, throw something (not at the other :giggle:) or go outdoors for 10 minutes, or shift focus to something else, etc.


I assume you have tried to discuss this specific difficulty, together, (and likely you have, many times)
at some calm, good timing, to try to find and both agree to do, some different thing..... a way to not upset the other, repeatedly ?
Such as, different wordings to use, that will not inflame or lengthen the upset situation?
Or an earlier communication, to indicate to the other, that you are moving toward that problem, that both of you don't want to be repeating.
If you could try to replace it with something else, either individually or together, and then, practice the new pattern, the repeating problem sometimes can become less frequent, or the aftermath not last as long.

Perhaps, Both try to use different specific words that do not trigger the other persons, or push their buttons? Ask each other, what wordings would be easier to hear?

Possibly also, both remember to regularly tell the other, (and yourself when needed) the good parts you like about them, and the positive parts of the relationship you value, that are truly more important.

Just sharing ideas. I surely do not have the answer.
 
It, of course, depends, on the degree of the lack of care. If, as in my case, the lack of care was severe, then no if won’t just blow over, ever.

Otherwise, to answer your question, there is no shorter way. And while such treatment might be forgiven, in time, it won’t be forgotten. But I agree with @Knight concern. Why the lack of care? If the partner is not mentally ill, then there are arger issues that need to be discussed.
 
Knight said:
Isolating this for a reason.

Quote
"One of us is sick and the other is treated less than cordial, then when they feel better, the other partner complains how they were mistreated."

Is your partner the one that is sick & you are the one treating less than cordial? Why "they" ? They usually is in reference to two or more.

After an argument is there any dialog about the futility of arguing about, as you put it something that has no solution? Can you then laugh about what it was?
Click to expand...
It can be either partner that is feeling bad, and they are not very cordial. I think "they" can mean just 1 other person. That is the case here.

Yes there is dialog that it is futile to continue talking. Sometimes we laugh about the absolute unpredictability of moods and circumstances that trigger such conflicts.
 
Aneeda72 said:
It, of course, depends, on the degree of the lack of care. If, as in my case, the lack of care was severe, then no if won’t just blow over, ever.

Otherwise, to answer your question, there is no shorter way. And while such treatment might be forgiven, in time, it won’t be forgotten. But I agree with @Knight concern. Why the lack of care? If the partner is not mentally ill, then there are arger issues that need to be discussed.
Click to expand...
We all have anger issues. Some of them will persist until we die. Do anyone know anyone who does not have anger issues?
 
Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!:)
 
palides2021 said:
Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!:)
Click to expand...

I think the longest we have been mad and separated from each other has been a day. Then we are a team again. Maybe it just goes with the territory.
 
If it is happening more often, lately,
then perhaps either (or both) person's symptoms are worsening, and those could be addressed more directly, in some way?

Or sometimes even just labeling a cause such as that one, that's partially responsible, such as.... someone is feeling more ill, or struggling more, or in greater pain, or getting less sleep,
...Just labelling it, and being aware, can help to shift the effects on both people, and responses.

I also wondered, again if it's happening more recently,
then might the S.A.D. effects of sharply shortening daylight hours and less direct sunlight, could be making it worse?

Again, I find it's helpful to be aware of additional stressors that might be involved. :)
 
Paco Dennis said:
I think the longest we have been mad and separated from each other has been a day. Then we are a team again. Maybe it just goes with the territory.
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Ours lasts about 2 hrs max
We both hate it so much.....but it happens
Not often, maybe once ever six months
Over pretty stupid issues

I can't function after our set-tos
We pretty much stay away from each other for awhile
The shop just turns into a place to sulk
I don't sulk, so I hammer things, like the shop bench
My shop benches are quite stout
Then I go chop wood or lift weights

It's pretty cool when we patch things up
Lotsa laughter
Lotsa good stuff
 
Thankfully, we get more sense as we age but I’m noticing that the younger generation’s arguments have changed. When an argument starts, it’s not uncommon for some women to lash out physically first with a slap/punch/push and then all hell breaks loose. Maybe it’s the new age of women fighting back but it’s a dangerous tactic IMO.
 
Gary O' said:
Ours lasts about 2 hrs max
We both hate it so much.....but it happens
Not often, maybe once ever six months
Over pretty stupid issues

I can't function after our set-tos
We pretty much stay away from each other for awhile
The shop just turns into a place to sulk
I don't sulk, so I hammer things, like the shop bench
My shop benches are quite stout
Then I go chop wood or lift weights

It's pretty cool when we patch things up
Lotsa laughter
Lotsa good stuff
Click to expand...
Healthiest reply here yet.
 
We don't tend to fight at all. Maybe once every five or so years, and then only because we let ourselves get too hungry (or, as they call it, "hangry" — hungry + angry). Anyway, we're incredibly compatible, tend to think alike on many things, and neither of us wants to hurt the other.

It helps if you're not one of those people who just must be right at all costs. As I always say, "You're only right when you're right."
 
palides2021 said:
Getting into arguments is a normal part of relationships. Now how to get out of them is tricky. I think sometimes you do need to walk away until the other person cools off (or you cool off). Give yourself time to reflect on the conversation. It's very important to resolve the issue soon so it doesn't fester and go into the next day and the next. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness is also important. Saying a simple "I'm sorry" and then explaining your view point without blaming them goes a long way. Flowers are also a nice gesture. Anything to show that you love that person. That's my two bits. Hope it helped!:)
Click to expand...
It can be quite confusing though, notwithstanding your excellent comments, because they say don't they "Love means not saying sorry", (from "Love Story", was it, with Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neil?). :)
 


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