Best Not to Argue Sometimes

fureverywhere

fureverywhere

beloved friend who will always be with us in spiri
Location
Northern NJ, USA
A brief background first...my aunt and uncle live in a remote PA town and are maybe in their 70's. He has had any number of back surgeries. Last year he fell on the stairs and is now all but fully paralyzed. Grim prognosis there, very difficult for my aunt to do all his care on her own.

My Dad was giving me the latest news and saying he had written to my cousin Mitch. Basically he was lamb- basting my cousin for not dropping everything to go help care for his Dad. I disagree, I mean my cousin lives in Indiana and has a job and young family. His Dad will need caregivers for life. He can't just drop everything and go. My Dad did that for his parents but he was retired by then.

I mean I could have said that, but really it's pointless. Apparently my aunt isn't quite ready to close her house and move by her son. I always disliked my uncle but regardless it's a depressing situation for all concerned.
 

fureverywhere said:
A brief background first...my aunt and uncle live in a remote PA town and are maybe in their 70's. He has had any number of back surgeries. Last year he fell on the stairs and is now all but fully paralyzed. Grim prognosis there, very difficult for my aunt to do all his care on her own.

My Dad was giving me the latest news and saying he had written to my cousin Mitch. Basically he was lamb- basting my cousin for not dropping everything to go help care for his Dad. I disagree, I mean my cousin lives in Indiana and has a job and young family. His Dad will need caregivers for life. He can't just drop everything and go. My Dad did that for his parents but he was retired by then.

I mean I could have said that, but really it's pointless. Apparently my aunt isn't quite ready to close her house and move by her son. I always disliked my uncle but regardless it's a depressing situation for all concerned.
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I agree with you. His son has to support his family and I would think he couldn't afford to drop everything and leave to help with his Dad. I know I couldn't if I were still working and my family was still depending on me. How does your Dad, etc. expect him to do so caring for his Dad? Are they going to pay him a salary to do so, I doubt it. Just my 2 cents worth.
 
Sometimes it's best to just scratch your head and say!"Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?"

In other words tactfully change the subject and move on!
 

Sometimes it's best to just scratch your head and say!"Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?"
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I was surprised to read that in a lot of states, they can actually hold children responsible for taking care of aging parents in need. This seems very unfair to me. The last thing I would want to be is a burden to my son and his family but the way things are going now, I am afraid of going insurance broke!

I feel if a child is in a position to help, that is great but not all are. They have their families, their own lives. If they live out of state, it's just not possible. I was able to help with my mother in a lot of ways--two of my three siblings live out of state and I didn't expect help from them. Another brother had his own health issues and was working as a mason so he couldn't do much. I did all that I could--even took a couple leaves from work. I think most people do try to help aging parents but when there is distance involved, you have to be rational. I think you were wise not to say anything, maybe when your Dad thinks it through he will realize your cousin has to take care of his own family and it would be unfair to make him feel guilty about that.
 
From what I hear my cousin has been researching all kinds of resources where he lives. They're in Indianapolis and you know there must be way more senior and disabled services than Hooterville PA. But I guess my aunt is one of those people who resists giving up her house. She was also a packrat and has holiday decorations...even my cousins Star Wars crap...sorry "collections"...all this stuff overflowing everywhere. I mean where could she move the deer heads ya know?

I mean I feel sorry for her I really do. But she has to realize on her own. They have a huge yard beyond her being able to care for. The house isn't made for wheel chair or hospital bed access. She's depended on the kindness of her small church, but she needs help beyond that now. Besides...she could be closer to son and grandkids...that would be for the best IMHO.
 
The two things that cause more tear in life than anything else are family and church... both things that should be support and offer good feelings. When my Mother passed, my Dad sat down. He would get up from bed in the morning, move to his recliner and watch tv until bedtime again. The next day the same. He had no interest in living. No matter how much we talked, he just "shut down". A couple aunts went to their graves not wanting to talk to me because I had not dropped everything a 100 miles away and spent the last couple of years caring for him. That simply cannot happen when you have a family to support. But, some people just don't understand that.

I sincerely hope my wife and I do not become a burden on any of our children. We have paid into extended care insurance for many years, so that we can "enjoy" the company of the aged rather than depend on the youth to change our Depends. When the time comes that we need to leave this home and find more professional care... I just hope our minds allow us to do the right thing.

Any one of our kids would be glad to assist if we needed it. Only one is close enough to check on us daily and we would not expect her to do that.

Good luck. If you can, just let those directly involved hold the discussion and you talk about the weather. The weather is about as easy for you to control as family matters!!!! :>)
 
This may sound harsh, but I feel the persons in need of help need to be willing to cooperate, even if it means moving and getting rid of their lifetime collection of crap. You cannot expect your younger family members to disrupt their active lives, jobs, children's educations, etc. to accommodate your refusal to cooperate. That is NOT fair to those willing to help but are at a distance. I think we need to do what we have to do to avoid being an undue burden on our children, and we shouldn't put them in the position of choosing between their own lives and ours -- it's the ultimate passive-aggressive guilt trip.
 
Butterfly said:
This may sound harsh, but I feel the persons in need of help need to be willing to cooperate, even if it means moving and getting rid of their lifetime collection of crap. You cannot expect your younger family members to disrupt their active lives, jobs, children's educations, etc. to accommodate your refusal to cooperate. That is NOT fair to those willing to help but are at a distance. I think we need to do what we have to do to avoid being an undue burden on our children, and we shouldn't put them in the position of choosing between their own lives and ours -- it's the ultimate passive-aggressive guilt trip.
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I agree! I took care of my parents, both of them until Dad passed away and then just my mother, who was extremely demanding and impossible to please. The impact on my personal and social life as well as my career was huge. If my kids ever have to take care of me it will be on their terms.
 
When my Mother passed, my Dad sat down. He would get up from bed in the morning, move to his recliner and watch tv until bedtime again. The next day the same. He had no interest in living. No matter how much we talked, he just "shut down".

It's sad that that reminds me so much of my husband many years ago. His younger sister battled brain cancer and lost the fight just before turning thirty. He fell into a deep depression for maybe two years. Then somehow he came back on his own. Decades younger than your Dad of course. But even now with Parkinson's slowly wasting him he is one of the bravest people I have ever known.

He also took full care of both of his parents at the same time at the end of their lives and worked two jobs as well. I'm nominating him for sainthood there. Really, having to bathe and change your mother's diapers. Having to have your Dad sent away to the hospital for a bit until he stopped fighting the burglars breaking through the roof. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs you never asked for...
 
fureverywhere said:
When my Mother passed, my Dad sat down. He would get up from bed in the morning, move to his recliner and watch tv until bedtime again. The next day the same. He had no interest in living. No matter how much we talked, he just "shut down".
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That's interesting....I think if my mother had died first, dad would have been lost.

After dad passed, mom hardly missed a beat. That was downright disconcerting.
 
G-d bless, when my hubby passes I will yes amazingly figure everything out...or be gone within months. I don't rightfully know at this point.
 
anodyne said:
That's interesting....I think if my mother had died first, dad would have been lost.

After dad passed, mom hardly missed a beat. That was downright disconcerting.
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Your post reminded me of this quote from "The Grapes of Wrath".

Ma Joad - “Well, Pa, a woman can change better’n a man. A man lives sorta – well, in jerks. Baby’s born or somebody dies, and that’s a jerk. He gets a farm or loses it, and that’s a jerk. With a woman, it’s all in one flow, like a stream – little eddies and waterfalls – but the river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way. ”
 
Aunt Bea said:
Your post reminded me of this quote from "The Grapes of Wrath".

Ma Joad - “Well, Pa, a woman can change better’n a man. A man lives sorta – well, in jerks. Baby’s born or somebody dies, and that’s a jerk. He gets a farm or loses it, and that’s a jerk. With a woman, it’s all in one flow, like a stream – little eddies and waterfalls – but the river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way. ”
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Yep. Just another little tidepool to sidestep. :p

Mom grew up in that GOW era, so there's that, too.
 

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