Can someone explain this?

AprilSun

AprilSun

Senior Member
I like to talk on the phone with people because I can no longer drive and can't get out and I am a people person. That and this forum is my "people fix." I have friends that I call occasionally and talk with them. Neither one of these friends have a cell phone nor a computer. They say they want me to keep calling but they never call me.

I have to do all the calling which I wouldn't mind IF I felt like I wasn't bothering them and they really wanted me to make the calls. I don't like to be a bother to anyone and if they don't really want to talk, I would rather not call them. When someone doesn't call me, I feel like they don't really want to be bothered or they would call me too. When I have gone a long time without calling them, when I do call, they still make comments like, "I've missed you! Why haven't you called?" I respond in a nice tone "The phone works both ways you know. You could call me too." This is when they come back with, "I enjoy you calling. You call me anytime even if I don't call you!"

And then there is one that each time I call, she will say "I have been thinking about calling you" but she never does. When I call her she talks constantly. It's like she's hungry to talk with people and will talk 40 minutes or more before I get a chance to end the call. I'm sorry but I just don't understand this. It looks like if they were really missing our talks, they would call me too. Am I wrong? Can someone explain this? Do you think they are just being polite or do they really want me to continue to make the calls?
 

It's possible that they simply can't afford it.

I'm always happy to hear from people but I don't initiate the call because I seem to have a knack for always calling at the wrong time. I also noticed over the years that when I did call at the wrong time the people rarely called me back when it was convenient for them.

I wouldn't overthink it just do what works for you and your circle of friends.
 
It could be that these people have a far busier life going on than you do and don't take the time to call.
 

Aunt Bea said:
It's possible that they simply can't afford it.

I'm always happy to hear from people but I don't initiate the call because I seem to have a knack for always calling at the wrong time. I also noticed over the years that when I did call at the wrong time the people rarely called me back when it was convenient for them.

I wouldn't overthink it just do what works for you and your circle of friends.
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If I don't, then they act as if they are upset so I'll keep calling occasionally. I'm just trying to understand it.


Lon said:
It could be that these people have a far busier life going on than you do and don't take the time to call.
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It could be but if they're too busy to call, then it looks like they would be too busy to take calls. As I stated above, I'm just trying to understand it. Thanks for your reply.
 
I get that also and I'd be pretty sure they are happy to hear from me so I continue to call. I think sometimes they feel a bit uncomfortable because they haven't called. They say,"Oh, I was just thinking of you I'm glad you called". If they where just thinking of me why didn't they pick up the phone. But I don't say that and in the end we have a nice chat. I even get that when inviting someone over for dinner. They say, "I've been wanting to ask you over but its been one thing after another". Or when they leave they say,"I had such a great time I'll have to have you over." Sure, in your dreams lady. In the end, I keep inviting and calling because that's what I do and we all seem to have a good time in the end.
 
Yep I've stopped calling people for the same reason as Aunt Bea...regardless of when I call it always seems to be the 'wrong time'.. so I just don't now. Family I will text first and ask if they're free for me to call..

However Aprilsun... I wonder because you say that people will chat to you for up to 40 minutes when you call them despite never calling you..if they themselves get the impression when they Do call you, that they are disturbing you , d'ya think that might be possible ?

Anyway shame you live all the way in the USA..otherwise I'd be happy for you to ring me and chat lol
 
Only time BIL calls is when we call him and leave a message to call us back. Now, my SIL will call us, and most of the time, it's sounds like it's out of boredom for her. My wife isn't a "caller", so I have to do the calling. I have no problems with talking on the phone, unless it's a person like either of my SIL's who sometimes don't understand my "street lingo" and joking around.
 
Sometimes it's just easier to take people at face value and believe what they say than to try to figure out "what they really mean by that." I'm not much of a phone conversation person but I do like to hear from my friends occasionally. It is what it is.
 
hollydolly said:
Yep I've stopped calling people for the same reason as Aunt Bea...regardless of when I call it always seems to be the 'wrong time'.. so I just don't now. Family I will text first and ask if they're free for me to call..

However Aprilsun... I wonder because you say that people will chat to you for up to 40 minutes when you call them despite never calling you..if they themselves get the impression when they Do call you, that they are disturbing you , d'ya think that might be possible ?

Anyway shame you live all the way in the USA..otherwise I'd be happy for you to ring me and chat lol
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I don't know why or how they would get that impression because I tell them I'm just sitting here "killing time" or just tell them how bored I am and I'm so glad they called. They live alone and so do I so it just seems like they would be happy to call me sometimes like I am to call them. As I've stated above, I'm just trying to get some understanding out of it but I may not do it. I wish we were closer too Holly, because if we were, we could "talk up a storm". :)
 
AprilSun said:
I like to talk on the phone with people because I can no longer drive and can't get out and I am a people person. That and this forum is my "people fix." I have friends that I call occasionally and talk with them. Neither one of these friends have a cell phone nor a computer. They say they want me to keep calling but they never call me.

I have to do all the calling which I wouldn't mind IF I felt like I wasn't bothering them and they really wanted me to make the calls. I don't like to be a bother to anyone and if they don't really want to talk, I would rather not call them. When someone doesn't call me, I feel like they don't really want to be bothered or they would call me too. When I have gone a long time without calling them, when I do call, they still make comments like, "I've missed you! Why haven't you called?" I respond in a nice tone "The phone works both ways you know. You could call me too." This is when they come back with, "I enjoy you calling. You call me anytime even if I don't call you!"

And then there is one that each time I call, she will say "I have been thinking about calling you" but she never does. When I call her she talks constantly. It's like she's hungry to talk with people and will talk 40 minutes or more before I get a chance to end the call. I'm sorry but I just don't understand this. It looks like if they were really missing our talks, they would call me too. Am I wrong? Can someone explain this? Do you think they are just being polite or do they really want me to continue to make the calls?
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Take what you can and enjoy it. There are some people that just hate making a phone call but love getting a call.

Think of it this way. It's at your convenience, not theirs. You have the advantage.
 
I am with you in not getting why I had to all the calling with my one friend. She always used to expect me to until we talked about how sometimes I just don’t feel like talking. Now she calls me but I am on the other side because like I said I just don’t want to talk. It has gotten to the point where we both understand and giggle about it. So we just put up with bad timing and really enjoy when it works cause then we can talk for hours. I guess timing is everything and I have very little luck with it. Lol
 
I'm not a phone person. I prefer emailing or texting, so the timing is irrelevant. I can write when I please and they reply when they're ready. BUT, AprilSun, I understand perfectly what you mean. It's called reciprocation. Some people are takers and others are givers. As long as you don't mind the ''giving'', enjoy calling them, and believe that they're truly glad that you called, do keep calling them. Me, when the relationship is too lopsided and it causes me stress, I just abandon it. Why waste your life on toxic relationships and toxic situations. Being a people person, I'm sure you won't have trouble finding other people who are willing to call you as much as you call them.
 
April, this thread reminds me of a conversation I overheard at a dinner party at my son's house - a guy said to his brother, "Hey, have you heard from Aunt Grace? I'm a little worried about her," and the brother said "Oh, don't worry about Aunt Grace, she'll call. She always does."

I went home worrying about Aunt Grace, and I don't even know her.
 
April, most people today have call display. So if they did not want to hear from you, they would not answer the phone. Since they do I think it safe to say they welcome your call.

There are also people out there who never visit you but throw out the welcome mat when you drop in. I think it is just insecurity in that they feel uncomfortable making first contact fearing they may not want to be wanted.
 
I called one of these friends last night and the first thing she said was "I've been meaning to call you". This has made me wonder if it was "guilt" or "procrastination" talking. During the conversation, she also stated she had been meaning to call another of our friends to see how she was doing but never did. Yes, I need to forget trying to understand this because there are too many possibilities and people are too hard to understand. But, a BIG THANK YOU to everyone for sharing the possibilities with me.
 
AprilSun said:
I called one of these friends last night and the first thing she said was "I've been meaning to call you". This has made me wonder if it was "guilt" or "procrastination" talking. During the conversation, she also stated she had been meaning to call another of our friends to see how she was doing but never did. Yes, I need to forget trying to understand this because there are too many possibilities and people are too hard to understand. But, a BIG THANK YOU to everyone for sharing the possibilities with me.
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I like your friend say this to people who I had been meaning to call all the time and when I say it I mean it. Why didn't I actually call, because I'm forgetful and easily distracted. I will say to myself, I need to call so and so, that person can be on my mind every day and I will think as soon as I get a chance to sit down after doing something or I believe they will be home from work or think it will be an appropriate time, I promise myself I'll call and by that time, I will have completely forgotten to do so. It doesn't mean the person isn't important to me, it is just a flaw I have and maybe some hold it against me, but, I know my bestie doesn't, she'll always check in even though, I've said the same thing to her about calling a million times.

Plus, I'm not much of a phone person to begin with, so reaching for my phone isn't a habit to begin with. Often too, I missed a lot of incoming calls as my cell used to get left in another room where by the time I got to it the person would hang up or sometimes I didn't even hear it. I wouldn't say these are good excuses, it's just, as I said part of a flaw, at least the forgetfulness is. I've tried to improve on the part with answering the phone, so now I try to make sure the phone is in the same room with me so I may hear it. I would work on the forgetfulness, but, illnesses don't seem to want to lessen that burden. :(
 
AprilT said:
I like your friend say this to people who I had been meaning to call all the time and when I say it I mean it. Why didn't I actually call, because I'm forgetful and easily distracted. I will say to myself, I need to call so and so, that person can be on my mind every day and I will think as soon as I get a chance to sit down after doing something or I believe they will be home from work or think it will be an appropriate time, I promise myself I'll call and by that time, I will have completely forgotten to do so. It doesn't mean the person isn't important to me, it is just a flaw I have and maybe some hold it against me, but, I know my bestie doesn't, she'll always check in even though, I've said the same thing to her about calling a million times.

Plus, I'm not much of a phone person to begin with, so reaching for my phone isn't a habit to begin with. Often too, I missed a lot of incoming calls as my cell used to get left in another room where by the time I got to it the person would hang up or sometimes I didn't even hear it. I wouldn't say these are good excuses, it's just, as I said part of a flaw, at least the forgetfulness is. I've tried to improve on the part with answering the phone, so now I try to make sure the phone is in the same room with me so I may hear it. I would work on the forgetfulness, but, illnesses don't seem to want to lessen that burden. :(
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Well, at least since I started this thread, I have learned of so many possibilities so if I wonder again, "does she not want to be bothered by me", I will remember all of the possibilities that everyone has given me and I do appreciate it! I was hoping there would be some "voices of experience" replying and it sounds like there is and that helps a lot!
 

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