Can you help me understand this lady I met ?

Toomuchstuff

Toomuchstuff

Member
Location
Wisconsin
This is probably impossible to answer ... human emotions don't always make sense ! I just had to ask to ask the best minds around .... Everyone here ! Here's the story .....

Nancy has been in my glass fusing class at the senior center for a long time now. She is such a talented lady , but she never seemed to fit in. She'd sit by herself ,barely spoke , when she did , she'd tell awful kids jokes .People think she's crazy and avoid her. I tend to gravitate toward the underdog,so I've been sitting next to her ,laughing at her awful jokes and making small talk .She's very socially awkward. One day , she opened up to me . She told me how abusive her ex husband was to her.Physically and mostly mentally. Let's just say she's been through hell.

A week or so ago .... she came to class all broken up . He died. She hadn't seen him in years , but yet she was still upset. Here's what I don't understand. He sounded like a monster . I would think she'd be dancing on his grave ! It's the exact opposite ! I never experienced anything like that among my family or friends. Maybe that's where the saying "love is blind" comes from. Have you come across this ? I kept quiet while she was telling me about him dying, I didn't know what to say & just let her talk. It just didn't make sense to me. Is there an explanation ? Have you ever known someone in a situation like this ?

As always ~~ thank you so much ! :)
 

Toomuchstuff said:
This is probably impossible to answer ... human emotions don't always make sense ! I just had to ask to ask the best minds around .... Everyone here ! Here's the story .....

Nancy has been in my glass fusing class at the senior center for a long time now. She is such a talented lady , but she never seemed to fit in. She'd sit by herself ,barely spoke , when she did , she'd tell awful kids jokes .People think she's crazy and avoid her. I tend to gravitate toward the underdog,so I've been sitting next to her ,laughing at her awful jokes and making small talk .She's very socially awkward. One day , she opened up to me . She told me how abusive her ex husband was to her.Physically and mostly mentally. Let's just say she's been through hell.

A week or so ago .... she came to class all broken up . He died. She hadn't seen him in years , but yet she was still upset. Here's what I don't understand. He sounded like a monster . I would think she'd be dancing on his grave ! It's the exact opposite ! I never experienced anything like that among my family or friends. Maybe that's where the saying "love is blind" comes from. Have you come across this ? I kept quiet while she was telling me about him dying, I didn't know what to say & just let her talk. It just didn't make sense to me. Is there an explanation ? Have you ever known someone in a situation like this ?

As always ~~ thank you so much ! :)
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She was grieving over the good times they shared together and was blocking out the bad. Understandable!!
 
When you have been emotionally linked to someone for years it lasts forever.

Whether it's a divorce or death.

Your kids will always be your kids even if they land in jail.
 

I agree with Lon...I feel that she was grieving for the person she loved , before he became the monster ..

...also there may still be a little bit of Stockholm syndrome in her...poor lady, and good for you befriending her TMS... sounds like she needs someone to befriend her even just for an hour or so, it must be of some comfort to her deep down.. perhaps she's socially awkward because she was never permitted to have friends, or that her ex had reduced her self esteem to nothing, so she may have been stuck emotionally and mentally at a very young age perhaps when the abuse first began
 
Toomuchstuff, so nice of you to befriend someone who appears to be friendless but maybe take this friendship on a bit of a casual level for now. I hope this is not the case but could be that she is a bit unbalanced for lack of a better term. You never know until you know her better.
 
Mizzkitt said:
Toomuchstuff, so nice of you to befriend someone who appears to be friendless but maybe take this friendship on a bit of a casual level for now. I hope this is not the case but could be that she is a bit unbalanced for lack of a better term. You never know until you know her better.
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Yep. Cautious baby steps.
 
I'm so glad I asked ! This just baffled me . Thank you for giving me some insight. Mizzkitt ..... I think you're right . She does seem alittle "unbalanced" ..I couldn't think of the right word , but that's it. I don't plan on being her friend, but I can put up with her for a couple hours a week :)
 
I agree with the others here, and like Mizzkitt said Toomuchstuff, it's very kind of you to befriend her, and I think her talking about it even a little bit to you will do her a world of good. I think her self esteem is low and that's why she acts shy around the other class members. Maybe deep down inside she was still in love with that man and was hoping he'd change and they could have a good life together, when he died, her hopes died too. I think all the replies here are good advice from varying points of view.

PS: I like you siggy, I'd put up with the itching if that was the case! :playful:
 
Toomuchstuff said:
I'm so glad I asked ! This just baffled me . Thank you for giving me some insight. Mizzkitt ..... I think you're right . She does seem alittle "unbalanced" ..I couldn't think of the right word , but that's it. I don't plan on being her friend, but I can put up with her for a couple hours a week :)
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That is a kindness that you can offer. Her problems are her problems but a chance to talk is a gift.
 
Sounds like good thinking from everybody. I understand the grieving for the good times and what could have been. I have been there. When my ex died, I grieved for the good times we did have and our two children. But back then we did not understand mental illness and the meds were not very good. His doctor explained to me that the abnormal was his new normal and I knew I could not stay in an abusive marriage with 2 small children. Still when he died I thought a lot about what could have been. Like others said be a friend for those few hours.
 
She sounds like a lost and lonely soul who joined the senior center hoping to find a friend who could look beyond her social awkwardness. And someone to listen. She obviously has a lot of emotional baggage to unload. Enter Toomuchstuff :). It may sound simplistic, but maybe all she needs is a big hug to let her know she is not alone in her struggles. We all need hugs, don't we? It can be scary though, to offer hugs to a needy person for fear they will become even needier. You sound like a person well able to read human emotions. Follow your heart and trust your instincts.
 
SeaBreeze said:
...was hoping he'd change and they could have a good life together, when he died, her hopes died too...
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I think SeaBreeze has hit it on the head, though I don't know if I'd go so far as to say she was still in love with him and wanted to have a life with him. But there is now no hope of the relationship ever changing, or of him ever telling her he was sorry or that he would ever make amends. I suspect she is grieving for what will now never happen.

A good friend recently lost her mother who was terribly abusive to her. She always hoped someday her mom would "see the light" and apologize and try to make things better, but it never happened. Now all hope is gone.

You are kind to befriend this woman, but I'm sure you know she needs help you cannot give her.
 
Toomuchstuff, is there any way that you can feel the other members of the group out about including her just a bit more? It could be that nerves take over when the lady is in a group and some people just start to ramble to cover up and come across different than what they intended. She may have done something while you were not around to make the group unfriend her that you are not aware of.

I would not give up on trying, just tread warily.
 
I think that Holly is probably right in saying that your friend has some of what is called Stockholm symptom, too. I was in an abusive marriage, and when my ex was even a little bit nice to me, it was so wonderful, and I was grateful, and experienced emotional joy.
Looking back, I can see how ridiculous it was, what was the happiest part of life was just the lack of abuse, and not any real caring; but even so, it took me a long time to understand and get over caring for this man even after we were divorced and I knew that I no longer wanted to live with him.
I am sure that this lady really needs a friend, and it is wonderful that you are helping her make it through this tragic time in her life, and hopefully, she will emerge from the grief and be able to have a better grip on life once that happens.
 
May be she was exaggerating how bad he was for sympathy.
Or her sadness is just a cover for her glee. It is considered bad
manners to look happy when your spouse dies.
 
Remember my question about the lady at the senior center ? Update .

Ever since I started talking - and listening - to her , people are taking my lead. She's coming out of her shell !
She even baked cupcakes for everyone for St.Patrick's day !!! I'm so happy for her . Now she feels part of the group ~~~ even though she still tells stupid jokes ~ LOL :eek:
 
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