Caption please - what is he saying, what is she thinking?

"...and there it was, coming right at me!!! It was HUGE and it was GREEN ! I'd only ever seen blue ones before and never as BIG as this one. I couldn't tell if it was a male or female or one of those new MERGED varieties. It was sort of moaning or maybe humming - sort of sounded like THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND..."

"...oh dear, Alfred is off his meds again. They really should keep a closer eye on him. Oh well, at least this time he had some clothes on..."
 
Him telling a joke, "do you know how to get a sweet little old lady to say the 'F' word ?......just get another little old lady to yell BINGO first.

Thinking to herself, "I can't believe that moron just said that.......I know where I'd like to stick that microphone."
 
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