Conversation Monopolizer-- what to do?

S

Swirly

New Member
I'm 69, female. I have a very close friend (same age) who is always, in any social situation, the one talking, the center of attention. She loves me, is kind, caring, funny, very smart, and has so many other wonderful attributes that I have always tried hard to ignore this basic aspect of her personality, but I feel it bubbling up inside me more and more as time goes on-- this need to SAY something to her about this.

This friend is one of three women (including me) who are very close, and we all get together with our husbands as well. We're good (the women) about not gossiping about each other when we're not with the third person, and I love that. But I DID say, a few years ago, to the other woman (friend #2), that I wanted to get something off my chest about friend #1, and that if she didn't agree with me, I'd never mention it again. I then said my complaint, and the woman (friend #2) said no, it didn't bother her. Unfortunately, it bothers me. Frankly, I'D like to have the floor once in a while. When the three couples get together, any time, I'm sure you could do a word count and this woman would have said, among 6 people, a healthy majority of the words.

I did say something to her once, after a conversation where she was answering for me when her daughter was asking me questions. She said she thought she was doing it because she wants so much for her daughter to like me. (Her daughter likes me just fine; that 's not a problem.) I let it go at that.

What I'm wondering is, can old dogs be taught new tricks? She has a counseling background, so I know she would hear me out, if I wanted to sit down with her and talk to her about this. And I think we could get through that conversation without a major rift in our friendship. But would anything change? I know no one knows the answer to this, but maybe someone has some wisdom for me. I feel like she's getting worse. I'm a pretty spontaneous, confident person myself and I'm afraid if I don't deal with it, I might some day lose it in an unplanned outburst, i.e. "shut the * up, already, and let someone else talk."
 

I have known two women like this...never stop talking even though they have nothing to say. They just don't seem to realise how annoying they are and wonder why people complain. I simply made excuses not to spend time with them and eventually they got the message.
 
Conversation Monopolizer-- what to do?
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More and more I think it's the age bracket, unless the less aggressive talkers just die off sooner. :unsure:

Anyway, I think it would be major counter-productive to say anything to the transgressors, as they're likely to get offended. I do one of two things, and they may seem rude, but sometimes that's what it takes. I'll either cut in and talk over the motor-mouth's hot air exhibition and insert what I wanted to add, or walk away. Rude, but consider the Conversation Monopolizer to be purely rude, and mindless.
 
My best friend is like that too. When I have the phone on speaker, my husband just rolls his eyes afterwards. I’ve decided it’s not worth the hurt feelings that would arise if I said anything.
 
Swirly said:
No, absolutely not. That's why I haven't said anything yet. She's a great friend. She just makes me crazy. (Or I let myself be made crazy by her.... )
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No offence @Swirly but I think that is the best way of looking at it. Your friends have no problem with your chatty friend and apart from the nattering, she sounds a nice person who would not intentionally offend you. If you think of it as you letting it make you crazy then it may become less of an irritation and more just something she does. You could always just wait for a pause and jump in with your own story :)
 
Trish said:
No offence @Swirly but I think that is the best way of looking at it. Your friends have no problem with your chatty friend and apart from the nattering, she sounds a nice person who would not intentionally offend you. If you think of it as you letting it make you crazy then it may become less of an irritation and more just something she does. You could always just wait for a pause and jump in with your own story :)
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Well, for the record, the only person I've ever asked directly was the one friend who is part of this trio of friends. I know that this woman drives at least my husband and friend #2's husband crazy.
 
RadishRose said:
I get it Swirly, just tell us all about it. :)
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Oh, I love this. Yes. Thank you! The first time I ever met this woman was in a car pool, at night. I got picked up last, there were 5 or 6 people in the vehicle, she was in the front and I didn't know anything about her. She was "new". But she was talking about a funeral she and her husband had been to over the weekend; everyone was listening politely, as was I. And we got ALL the details about this funeral. I remember thinking, though, when she got to describing the type of chairs people were sitting on at the reception, that this whole thing had gone a bit too far.
 
I wasn't going to tell a million stories, and I understand now that the invitation was to vent going forward, not dredge up the past, but-- the silence here makes me feel weird. I'm going to be brave and ask why?
 
Swirly said:
But she was talking about a funeral she and her husband had been to over the weekend; everyone was listening politely, as was I. And we got ALL the details about this funeral. I remember thinking, though, when she got to describing the type of chairs people were sitting on at the reception, that this whole thing had gone a bit too far.
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Why not tell her, that listening to her is much better than reading "In Search of Lost Time" by Marcel Proust, which has more than 3000 pages. Perhaps she'll understand what you mean. But on the other hand I doubt it.
My cousin's wife is such a woman. She talks a blue streak, even on the phone. I cut in and talk over if necessary.
 
I had a thought but being hearlady, I would think about this.
There is a symptom of hearing loss. It is "dominating the conversation".
It's easier to do the talking then trying to keep up with conversations you can't understand.
Are there any other signs like asking people to repeat when they're speaking?
Does she talk loud?
Just a thought.
 
These type of people get so passionate about a certain subject that they tend to forget others would like to speak about it as well.
I would cut off and say "well, my opinion on this is..."
You mentioned that she has a background in counseling, that might be why she feels she needs to counsel!
 
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