Coping with Your Spouse’s Illness

Jules

Jules

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Could you physically, mentally, or financially cope your partner’s severe illness?

I’m watching three families right now that are dealing with this. They’re all over 75, some over 80. It would be hard dealing with any of these issues

One man’s wife had a severe stroke and they want to send her home from the hospital. They use a lift to take her out of bed for the day. She’d have caregivers drop in for a couple of hours per day. All the care homes are full.

Another is a couple who just moved into together after four years. His heart problems are starting again. He was bedridden for months when he had surgery years ago. If it were the other way around, based on history, he didn’t appear to be a great caregiver.

Another couple have been married for almost 50 years. She needs a lot of care and refuses to do what they advise.

A fourth who they think had a stroke can use a walker now. His wife never drove so is restricted on even the basics.

The only thing that they have in common is that the caregiver is burning out.
 

Did not have a choice really....my loving spouse had almost
insane fear of hospitals, etc, so she would not stay in them
for treatment of any kind. .....I finally had to take hospice
care of her, in her last 15 days, here at home.....you do what
you must. 🥰
 
Jules said:
Could you physically, mentally, or financially cope your partner’s severe illness?
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Yes, when my wife had ALS, I was her sole caregiver for 2 years until her death. It could have been easier had her condition been temporary, but knowing there was no hope made it harder.

Jules said:
The only thing that they have in common is that the caregiver is burning out.
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That usually happens when the situation goes on and on. Then, when it was over, it seemed like there was something I should be doing, but there was nothing more to do, so the emptiness set in.
I would do it all again for her, but not for anyone else, nor do I want a spouse to have to do it for me. That's probably the biggest reason I do not want to get into another committed relationship.
 

Yes, I have. My late wife suffered a brain hemorrhage in 1993. After months in the hospital and rehab, she finally came home. There was brain damage that affected her personality. I had caregivers with her during the day for some months until she could live independently.
I had to deal with her as if she was a different person.
In 2005 she was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away a month later.
I had her cremated and took her ashes out into the ocean in a kayak, where I scattered them.
 
It would be very hard,and is for many people. Close friend and my SIL took care of their spouses with various forms of dementia. It is sad, hard, a tiring on the caregiver,regardless of the disease. We like many, take care of each other now doing things the other one cant do, or work together when need be. He has to help me make the bed and change sheets.
He can not cut his toenails...stuff like that. Could I do it if he were gravely ill- yes,and he would try for me but would be more difficult.
 
MACKTEXAS said:
Yes, when my wife had ALS, I was her sole caregiver for 2 years until her death. It could have been easier had her condition been temporary, but knowing there was no hope made it harder.


That usually happens when the situation goes on and on. Then, when it was over, it seemed like there was something I should be doing, but there was nothing more to do, so the emptiness set in.
I would do it all again for her, but not for anyone else, nor do I want a spouse to have to do it for me. That's probably the biggest reason I do not want to get into another committed relationship.
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all diseases are horrible , but ALS is particularly cruel....:(
 
My husband has had health problems off and on for years since he was treated for epiglottal cancer in 2007. When we started dating in 2015, a lot of his after effects of his treatment had subsided but some still lingered.

We married in 2019. I told him he would never go to a nursing home as long as I was in my right mind and could physically take care of him. The last 1 1/2 years of his life, he was totally dependent on me. I won't say it was easy but I managed and don't regret a day of it. I would do it again for a loved one should the situation arise if I was physically and mentally able but I am 72 yrs old now so I'm not sure how much longer I would be ale to do it. I guess it would depend on the situation.

Going back to my husband, if the tables were turned, he'd not been able to take care of me physically even though I'm sure he would if he could., but that's okay. I didn't do it to get anything in return except maybe to help prolong his life. He'd never made it physically or mentally in a nursing home.
 
Jules said:
Could you physically, mentally, or financially cope your partner’s severe illness?
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Yes, I could and I did.
MACKTEXAS said:
Yes, when my wife had ALS, I was her sole caregiver for 2 years until her death. It could have been easier had her condition been temporary, but knowing there was no hope made it harder.
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I sure do understand what you are saying @MACKTEXAS. I was in the same situation – providing all the care for my husband with ALS. Honestly, when I look back now, I really don’t know how I did it, but I am glad I did and he was in our home until his death.
 
I think most of us are tougher than we think. I sometimes think that no matter how difficult the struggle of caretaking is it beats worrying about a loved ones care in some facility. I am not saying that a person who does not think they can provide the care should try..but they might surprise themselves.
 
TeePee said:
I am 72 yrs old now so I'm not sure how much longer I would be able to do it
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TeePee said:
he'd not been able to take care of me physically even though I'm sure he would if he could
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I think caretakers are heroic. But I also think sometimes people are just unable to do it as you point out above. A couple here in town, the husband has been refusing to move out of their way-too-big house on that huge piece of property, the wife went ahead and moved into assisted living without him. If you're thinking that she had no business doing that, she married him for better or worse, bla bla bla, but the couple are in their 90s and as she put it to a neighbor she was just exhausted. I bet you'd see more of that if more people could afford to do that.
 
officerripley said:
I think caretakers are heroic. But I also think sometimes people are just unable to do it as you point out above. A couple here in town, the husband has been refusing to move out of their way-too-big house on that huge piece of property, the wife went ahead and moved into assisted living without him. If you're thinking that she had no business doing that, she married him for better or worse, bla bla bla, but the couple are in their 90s and as she put it to a neighbor she was just exhausted. I bet you'd see more of that if more people could afford to do that.
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I hate nursing homes. I worked in them for 34 years. I did it because I always enjoyed being around the elderly, and I like being their advocate when I could. I always say they are a necessary evil. But...sometimes that's the only alternative for some people. The best possible scenario is if the spouse or loved ones visit often and sometimes on off hours to follow up on their loved one's care. The squeaky wheel gets the oil unfortunately in nursing homes.
 
officerripley said:
I think caretakers are heroic. But I also think sometimes people are just unable to do it as you point out above. A couple here in town, the husband has been refusing to move out of their way-too-big house on that huge piece of property, the wife went ahead and moved into assisted living without him. If you're thinking that she had no business doing that, she married him for better or worse, bla bla bla, but the couple are in their 90s and as she put it to a neighbor she was just exhausted. I bet you'd see more of that if more people could afford to do that.
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You are right. Also...sometimes the patient outlives their caregiver. I've seen that happen a few times. Unfortunately, caregivers a lot of times put their loved ones health before theirs.
 
Lavinia said:
A lot depends on how the patient behaves. Some people enjoy being an invalid and sit there dictating to everyone. Others are grateful for everything that is done for them.
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Oh yeah. I watched this some decades ago at a rural inn, I stayed one week. The owner (in his 60s) was disabled and in a wheelchair. He shouted at his wife the whole day to do this and that and so on.
I really became such furious, that I'd have liked to kick him out of his chair. Of course I didn't do it.
 
officerripley said:
I think caretakers are heroic. But I also think sometimes people are just unable to do it as you point out above. A couple here in town, the husband has been refusing to move out of their way-too-big house on that huge piece of property, the wife went ahead and moved into assisted living without him. If you're thinking that she had no business doing that, she married him for better or worse, bla bla bla, but the couple are in their 90s and as she put it to a neighbor she was just exhausted. I bet you'd see more of that if more people could afford to do that.
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Smart. My uncle did that to my aunt. She was there not long afterwards when she found out how much work things were.
 
MACKTEXAS said:
Yes, when my wife had ALS, I was her sole caregiver for 2 years until her death. It could have been easier had her condition been temporary, but knowing there was no hope made it harder.
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Amazing to see,..... 2 years' caregiver to your dear wife. Normally, most of guys are not really good patience to care the loved one, Most of caregiver are women.

In my case, I was caregiver to my late husband who was diagnosed 'brain cancer' and undergone Surgery on the brain.
After got back home after 5 days' stay at hospital, I was caregiver to him for about one month.
He started to complain abdominal(lower bowel area) pain which was related Surgery of his brain, .... excessive anesthesia and again back to the Hospital for Surgery to remove a part of colon.

Two different surgeries took away all of his energy and even could not sit his favorite Couch in the living room and ended-up 'bedridden.
It was NEVER easy to take care of his needs, from his head to his toe.

He told his nurse of Hospice Care at age 75(just turn 75) was to never put any artificial devices to keep him alive, 'vegetable state.' He passed away after 4-1/2 months after his first diagnosis, Brain Cancer.
 
Amanda76 said:
He told his nurse of Hospice Care at age 75(just turn 75) was to never put any artificial devices to keep him alive, 'vegetable state.' He passed away after 4-1/2 months after his first diagnosis, Brain Cancer.
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It seems like a long time, whether it's 4½ months, or 2 years, so I'm sorry for what it must have been like for both of you. As some have said, we do what we have to do - - - but not really, because some put their spouses in nursing homes, like my mother-in-law did to her husband. But then, when it was her turn to need care, she never forgave her older daughter who arranged for her to go to a nursing home.

I can understand choosing not to install artificial devices to prolong life if and when recovery isn't possible. Feeding tubes, etc., have a purpose when a person is likely to recover, but if there is a terminal prognosis, it's rather pointless. My wife may have lived awhile longer if she had opted for a feeding tube, but she said no.
 

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