Did I make a mistake trying to help a senior friend?

caringfriend

New Member
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing.

She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired!

I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
 

caringfriend

New Member
I don't know what the sister was thinking but for sure I wasn't suggesting I be in the will. Thanks Pepper! I am going to move on from this. No way am I a scammer. Just the opposite. I was trying to protect my friend!
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
I think you gave a normal response from a caring person and your friend probably presented what you said wrong. I bet your friend misses your help.

My half sister and I reconnected after about 40 years or so. One time my half sister mentioned she and her husband were well off, and she would leave me some money in her will. 😂. Her husband said, hush. I told them both, please leave everything to your daughter.

I don’t want anything from you guys but to know you both.
 
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing. She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior. My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.
Not meaning to go off topic, but feel the need to add this:
Most people believe as a will is a legal document, especially if it's prepared by an attorney, that it will be followed.
Not necessarily.
Anyone who plans a will should insist on an executor bond- regardless of who they choose as the executor. Otherwise, the beneficiaries you chose and what you state you are leaving to them may end up with nothing.
 
I am friends with an 85 year old woman. I was of the impression she had no friends or family. That's how it seemed. I have treated her to lunch, stopped over (with her permission) to drop off a hamburger for her dog and a milkshake for her, just been kind to her all around. And phoned her to see how she is doing. She has a hard time walking so I would put her wheelchair in my trunk of the car and take her out. She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior. My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her. Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.

Just curious about why you thought if your friend had a will it would protect her from harm? Wills don't do anything until the maker of the will is dead.
 

caringfriend

New Member
Well, at least you got her thinking.... that's important. For you, forgive and move on.
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you had a bad experience with your friend's sister. I think you were doing the right thing in trying t be helpful to her.

Maybe, after some time has passed you can reach out to your friend again? And rekindle the friendship?
Thank you Ellen Marie.
 

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
Location
USA
She wanted to get out and was happy about it. My mother died in a nursing home so I have compassion for elders. Although this friend does live at home. The last time I saw her she told her she has a sister who takes care of her needs. The sister lives several hours away and is herself a senior.

My friend said "I don't know what I will do if my sister dies". She was confiding in me. I told her to make sure she has a will. I didn't know what else to say. She was saying she was afraid the person who takes care of her dies, so I thought saying "make sure you have a will" was logical because then the will, "will" take care of her.

Isn't that what a compassionate friend would say if someone is fearful of being on their own which is what she was telling me? Well, apparently saying that backfired! I guess she mentioned it to her sister..(I am not sure what was said) and now I have been "banned" from seeing my friend. I said what I did because she was afraid of being on her own and I thought if she had a will that would protect her from harm. I was misunderstood for sure. And startled by the response.

Welcome @caringfriend. I'm sure your intentions were good, but I don't understand about mentioning a will when she said she was fearful of her sister dying and nobody would take care of her. I think I would have just asked if she had any other relatives or close friends who might help her out if that happens. Or perhaps suggest she get into an assisted living home before something like that occurs, so she would have some care and security.

I think a red flag went up when she talked about your asking about her will. These days there are a lot of scammers, and if the sister didn't know you well, she naturally would be suspicious, perhaps you were trying to have her leave some money to you in her will. I can't really blame her sister, I'd do the same and want to watch out for people who might be getting close to her for shifty reasons.

You didn't do anything wrong perhaps other than talking about her will. You should recognize though that the reaction you received was not that startling or unexpected. I'd just forget about it, you can't change what happened, sorry you can no longer be friends with her, but you should move on.
 

win231

Well-known Member
Location
CA
When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's. She was around 60. She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help. Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy. He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
The move took five days. A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went. The nephew answered the phone. I said, "Hi. How are you doing?"
He said, "Who the hell are you?"
I said, "I helped your uncle & her friend move into their apartment."
He said, "Well, now that you helped, you don't need to call again."
I said, "I just called to say hi & ask how you're doing.....what the hell is your problem?"
He said, "Take a hint....don't call again."
I said, "What a prize you are.....F you."

Later, I spoke to my mom's friend & the uncle. They both told me the nephew has always been an a--hole & the reason he didn't want me to talk to his uncle was because he thought that since I didn't want to be paid for moving them, I wanted money left to me in his will, since he was 92.

Sometimes, people think everyone else is like them....
 

Aneeda72

Well-known Member
When I was 50, I ran into a former friend of my mom's. She was around 60. She told me she was moving into an apartment with a friend of hers - a guy who was 92 & they were both not in shape to move & her friend's nephew was supposed to help them move, but he had to go into the hospital for hip replacement surgery.
Since I was between jobs & had free time, I said I would help. Her friend was a pack rat, so moving him wasn't easy. He had stacks of boxes of stuff from years ago when he was a prisoner at Auschwitz.
The move took five days. A few weeks later, I called to ask how the nephew was doing - how the surgery went. The nephew answered the phone. I said, "Hi. How are you doing?"
He said, "Who the hell are you?"
I said, "I helped your uncle & her friend move into their apartment."
He said, "Well, now that you helped, you don't need to call again."
I said, "I just called to say hi & ask how you're doing.....what the hell is your problem?"
He said, "Take a hint....don't call again."
I said, "What a prize you are.....F you."

Later, I spoke to my mom's friend & the uncle. They both told me the nephew has always been an a--hole & the reason he didn't want me to talk to his uncle was because he thought that since I didn't want to be paid for moving them, I wanted money left to me in his will, since he was 92.

Sometimes, people think everyone else is like them....
I am a bit confused, how could he have boxes of stuff from Auschwitz as a prisoner? That would be impossible, my step-father was among the troops that first arrived there and freed the camp. As I understand it from the very little he said, and history, the prisoners barely had their lives, let alone “boxes of stuff”.

Could he have been a guard? They would have had ”boxes of stuff”. Just curious, you probably don’t know.
 

Aunt Bea

SF VIP
Location
Near Mount Pilot
It all sounds like nonsense to me!

How can a sister that lives several hours away ban her adult sister from seeing anyone?

If the relationship is important to you keep the lines of communication open and ask your friend to contact you when she would like to visit.

IMO when your friend mentioned her concerns over what would happen to her if her sister died. I think that she was doing a little phishing to see if you would speak up and offer to take over her sister's duties.

Good luck to both of you!
 


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