Didn’t Want to be Rude But I Don't Do Questions about My Service

Been There

Been There

Well-known Member
Location
Florida
Wasn’t sure where to post this. This morning, I stopped at a diner for breakfast. It was about 8 am. I walked to the back of the diner to use the restroom and I saw a group of older men with some wearing Marine apparel. I asked the one fellow if they were all Marines and he told me that they meet the last Wednesday of every month for breakfast. He asked me if I was a Marine and I told him I retired from the Marines. He asked what my rank was and I told him I was an O-5, Lt. Col. He asked me to join them, so I agreed to do that.

This man introduced me as Lt. Col. So and So. All these men stood up and saluted me. I told them if they were going to do that, I wouldn’t be back and they agreed not to. After I sat down, then the questions started about my service. I don’t do questions about my service. I won’t be going back anymore. I don’t want to be rude and tell them I don’t answer questions, so I think it’s best for me to just stay away.

Agree or not?
 
I have to ask why you sat with them in the first place. It seems natural for ex-military men to talk about their experiences with other servicemen. Both my grandfathers, my father and one of my uncles served during the Second World War, but none ever talked about it. They seemed to regard it as being an episode in their lives which was best put behind them.
 
Been There said:
This man introduced me as Lt. Col. So and So. All these men stood up and saluted me. I told them if they were going to do that, I wouldn’t be back and they agreed not to. After I sat down, then the questions started about my service. I don’t do questions about my service. I won’t be going back anymore. I don’t want to be rude and tell them I don’t answer questions, so I think it’s best for me to just stay away.

Agree or not?
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Well, @Been There ... if you would tell them your time serving is not a thing you're comfortable discussing and they'd ignore it, I'd say absolutely agree because no one needs that kind of garbage in life. *But* if you'd say that and they'd respect it, you may actually end up enjoying their company. And I think the saluting was a lovely gesture although I can see how I wouldn't want it to be done after the first time. I don't see it as rude to say something like "I really don't wish to discuss my time in 'Nam."
 
Been There said:
Wasn’t sure where to post this. This morning, I stopped at a diner for breakfast. It was about 8 am. I walked to the back of the diner to use the restroom and I saw a group of older men with some wearing Marine apparel. I asked the one fellow if they were all Marines and he told me that they meet the last Wednesday of every month for breakfast. He asked me if I was a Marine and I told him I retired from the Marines. He asked what my rank was and I told him I was an O-5, Lt. Col. He asked me to join them, so I agreed to do that.

This man introduced me as Lt. Col. So and So. All these men stood up and saluted me. I told them if they were going to do that, I wouldn’t be back and they agreed not to. After I sat down, then the questions started about my service. I don’t do questions about my service. I won’t be going back anymore. I don’t want to be rude and tell them I don’t answer questions, so I think it’s best for me to just stay away.

Agree or not?
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Agree, that would make me uncomfortable, for that reason I'm not attracted to veteran's clubs like the VFW and such, but that's just me I guess.
 
I'm sure they've met others who don't want to discuss their service. I think they'd respect it.

I lived in the US with a retired Marine. He bonded with other Marines and went to the VFW, etc. But as far as I could make out, they all mostly talked about nonmilitary things, just like anyone else.

One of the first things he told me when we met was that he didn't talk about his experiences in the military. Of course he did mention things from time to time, but not often.

I'm sure you know more about all this than I do. But I have things I don't talk about too. I just tell people I don't talk about them.

Maybe give the guys another chance. Tell them you don't discuss your service. Then see where the conversation goes. If it's all "war stories," maybe you won't want to go back.

Since you introduced yourself as a Marine, it was polite and natural for them to show an interest. It was/is up to you to say you'd rather not discuss certain things.
 
My late Father in Law rarely spoke about the war. Occasionally on a stormy day, he would say "I liked a good storm - it kept the U-Boats away". He mostly told little anecdotes about the war. He related that one time when they were in Italy, he and some shipmates found a bar and went in for a drink. They tried to order in what little Italian, French, German etc.. much to the puzzlement of the bar maid. Eventually, he said, what you have to do to get a drink, and the barmaid said in a broad Liverpool accent, Why don't you just tell me what you want.
 
I agree if you stay away from them. I think they were checking you out to see if you were really in the military by talking about your prior military service. Meeting and eating out is a form of group therapy for military veterans. I am a veteran and have experienced what you are saying. I have stopped going to group therapies with military veterans because they break the basic rules that should be observed during therapy. There are a lot of motormouths and highly opinioned veterans that want to take control of the group. I have learned to stay away from those groups and let them be.
 
I think you made the right choice. Some folks like to talk about their war experience.... Those guys. Others keep it to themselves....You. Chances are they will ask you questions you don't wanna answer. Chances are too, they'll share their stories that may also be something you don't wanna hear. You made a choice that works for you.
 
I think being conflicted about one’s service would be a very natural state. I do not know exactly what makes you feel the way you do…but it isn’t wrong. Do what makes you comfortable and happy.
 
I don't have an answer here. Could be they were feeling you out.
I think it may be different for each individual. Myself, I never talked about my time in service for years. The wife knew it from how I acted, but, she never pushed the issue. It wasn't until I was burned bad and while in the hospital I met another combat vet and we clicked. (R.I.P storman Norman). He helped me by getting me to some meetings where I discovered I wasn't alone with my thoughts and feelings.
It has taken years, but, I'm finally able to talk about some, (but not all) my experiences. In my case I think it helps.

Like Nathan, I don't do VFW or any veterans group.
 
I was involved in another “breakfast club” type get-together. They don’t ask question like “where did you serve” or “how many men were in your charge,” instead they ask too many “were you in combat” “did you have any shoot downs” and even more serious questions. It reminded me of someone writing my memoirs. I try to avoid answering their questions, but the more intense the questions become. They don’t seem to get enough.

There were some men in the group that was in Vietnam. They had no problem at all talking about their experiences. But some just sat and ate without adding anything to the conversation. I tried to count them, but they were kind of spread out. I think there was at least 30-35 men and maybe 4 or 5 women there. I liked this one man and the way he told his stories. He combined seriousness with a little comedy.

He was telling a story about while being in VN, he hadn’t shaved for almost a week and decided today was the day he was going to shave. He said he had finished cleaning up and then lathered his face and had just started to shave when they were being fired on. He said he had about a fourth of his face shaved when the first shell came in and everyone began to scatter. Now he can’t find his towel to wipe the shave cream off his face, so he reached into his pack, pulled out a dirty shirt and wiped his face with the shirt. The problem was that the shirt had been soiled with mud from the day before. He said he was blind by all the dirt in his eyes, so he just laid down on the ground and as fast as the skirmish started, it ended. He’s walking around with this combination of dirt and lather on his face, but it’s all brown and when he went down, he cut his cheek and forehead on stones, so now he also has blood and dirty lather on his face. His Lieutenant thought he was seriously injured so he sent him back to a field hospital to be checked out. He said he wasn’t going to argue or try to change his mind. It was 3 days before he got back.

Some of the stories are entertaining, but others bother some of the men. I did enjoy some of what went on. It really got funny when they started talking about the food that came in the form of C-rations. The one mam got an egg omelet and when it was served, he took a fork and knife and cut it into small pieces. Another guy said that looks like one of those cans of crap we got in VN. He said he just hoped it tasted better.
 
squatting dog said:
I don't have an answer here. Could be they were feeling you out.
I think it may be different for each individual. Myself, I never talked about my time in service for years. The wife knew it from how I acted, but, she never pushed the issue. It wasn't until I was burned bad and while in the hospital I met another combat vet and we clicked. (R.I.P storman Norman). He helped me by getting me to some meetings where I discovered I wasn't alone with my thoughts and feelings.
It has taken years, but, I'm finally able to talk about some, (but not all) my experiences. In my case I think it helps.

Like Nathan, I don't do VFW or any veterans group.
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I belong to the local American Legion mainly so I can help with some of the projects or programs they have going, but I don’t go in to sit there and drink or even eat
 
Moon Rat said:
You’re probably right. Just stay away from this group. They likely won’t let up.
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I tend to agree. I had thought about going back once more to see if it would be different because some of the men told some good stories and they made for a good history lesson. I didn’t ask any questions, but did talk about other things in the Marines. Most of the men had good things to say about serving. Good bunch of men was my first impression.
 
I'd say just do what feels comfortable to you.

My late husband never talked about his time in the service in our 25 year marriage.
I know he killed 11 men in his life but he was in law enforcement.
He told me of some of the gunfights when he worked solo as a sheriff but
others he wouldn't speak about and I respected his private thoughts.
Every man has things he won't speak aloud.
Your private thoughts are more important than their need to know. IMO.
 
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