Do we need to reconsider family roles in a child's upbringing?

[Jame]

I have been pondering on this issue for some time now and I decided to share my thoughts here for valuable imputes and contributions on this matter.

If we observe closely, we all can agree that too many family functions have been taken over by other social institutions. Schools have the major responsibility for intellectual development and even socialization. Day-care personnel or baby-sitters feed, clothe, and play with our children. This leaves the family with the primary function of giving emotional support.

What are the risks of having the family "specialize" in only one or two functions? Does it place too much of an emotional burden on family members, especially when other activities and functions become "foreign" to the family?

 

[katlupe]

I am not really sure what you are asking. I was a stay at home mom of a disabled child. He went to public school but was in special ed. I do not think the school actually took over any function except trying to teach him. I have 4 nieces who home school their children (as they were too) and they do a good job as far as teaching. The thing is they have isolated their children from anything but the religious side of life. The have no interaction with children outside of others exactly like them. Even at family reunions they play only with their cousins who are being raised like them. Yes, they are all well behaved and mature for their ages, but I notice the difference from other children. I don't know if I addressed your questions or not.

 

[Jame]

Thank you katlup. I am actually more concerned about the fact that nowadays, probably because parents have to work for longer hours to meet up with the growing financial needs of family, more responsibilities are being shifted to other social institutions like the school and day care (for parents who leave their kids there all day while they work). This might not be the reality for you and many other parents who still have the time to be with their children but then, the fact still remains that more parents nowadays spend less time with their kids. I'm concerned about the negative impact it might have on the kids and eventually the larger society. Thanks once again for your educative contribution.

 

[WhatInThe]

Families should be teaching more of the basics. I hear stories from teachers there are children in grammar school that cant tie their own shoes, are unkept, unfed and undisciplined. Many view things such as school as free baby sitting with meals.

Today's children are over institutionalized wether it be school or 'organized' activity like sports or private soccer leagues. I know parents who philosiphy is just keep the kids busy at all times they dont want them hanging around or out. But they learn not to be self motivated with most of their life planned and supplied for them.

 

[Jame]

Families should be teaching more of the basics. I hear stories from teachers there are children in grammar school that can tie their own shoes, are unkept, unfed and undisciplined. Many view things such as school as free baby sitting with meals.

Today's children are over institutionalized wether it be school or 'organized' activity like sports or private soccer leagues. I know parents who philosiphy is just keep the kids busy at all times they dont want them hanging around or out. But they learn not to be self motivated with most of their life planned and supplied for them.

You gave a beautiful summary of the issue and I can't help but agree with the points you have stated here. Thanks for your contributions.

 

[Rosemarie]

Families should be teaching more of the basics. I hear stories from teachers there are children in grammar school that cant tie their own shoes, are unkept, unfed and undisciplined. Many view things such as school as free baby sitting with meals.

Today's children are over institutionalized wether it be school or 'organized' activity like sports or private soccer leagues. I know parents who philosiphy is just keep the kids busy at all times they dont want them hanging around or out. But they learn not to be self motivated with most of their life planned and supplied for them.

It really makes you wonder why some people have children.

 

[grahamg]

Interesting questions, do you mind if I ask whether you have a professional interest, (or are interested as someone working in this area?)?
My main thought as a one time campaigner for fathers/parental rights, is you need to bear in mind the huge numbers of decent parents excluded from their children's lives in the modern world, (following divorce/separation from the other parent), so unable to provide any of the good things you and others have mentioned.

 

[HoneyNut]

family functions have been taken over

I haven't made a study of it, but I suspect this is largely from the perspective of comparing our own childhood to current children and ignoring all the constant change that happens historically. Families before birth-control had a lot of children (before antibiotics most of the children died I think, in school they taught that in those circumstances parents were not as emotionally attached to their children, but maybe that was just in newly industrializing old England), and in my great-grandparents time older siblings had a large role in child care. Also maybe young cousins on loan to the family (if I correctly remember my grandmother's stories). A lot of people lived on farms and didn't have as many social opportunities. I think we learned in school that in the cities the parents worked very long days, so I'm not sure how much real family time existed. When I lived abroad one place all the little ones were taken care of by a few women while the other mothers were working during the day, that seems likely to have been the most common child-rearing up until more recent times?
My opinion is the biggest recent historical change is lack of siblings. I have a co-worker from another country that is at the stage of progress like in my grandparents time. He has a lot of brothers and sisters. From his stories I can tell that the siblings do a lot of enforcing of family values/culture.
During the teenage years when it is normal to rebel, I think siblings are in the best position to keep the rebellion in bounds. I only have/had one brother and one sister and I can remember a few instances of that during my teenage years.
With family size so small it seems like China would be a good place to study (for both excellent and horrendous examples maybe) about how a society can deal with a lack of siblings.

 

[Jame]

Interesting questions, do you mind if I ask whether you have a professional interest, (or are interested as someone working in this area?)?
My main thought as a one time campaigner for fathers/parental rights, is you need to bear in mind the huge numbers of decent parents excluded from their children's lives in the modern world, (following divorce/separation from the other parent), so unable to provide any of the good things you and others have mentioned.

Well, Grahamg, I'm just a concerned fellow, nothing more. But I think I'm a little bit curious about the campaign you mentioned above. What does the campaign seeks to achieve?

 

[Jame]

Interesting questions, do you mind if I ask whether you have a professional interest, (or are interested as someone working in this area?)?
My main thought as a one time campaigner for fathers/parental rights, is you need to bear in mind the huge numbers of decent parents excluded from their children's lives in the modern world, (following divorce/separation from the other parent), so unable to provide any of the good things you and others have mentioned.

I haven't made a study of it, but I suspect this is largely from the perspective of comparing our own childhood to current children and ignoring all the constant change that happens historically. Families before birth-control had a lot of children (before antibiotics most of the children died I think, in school they taught that in those circumstances parents were not as emotionally attached to their children, but maybe that was just in newly industrializing old England), and in my great-grandparents time older siblings had a large role in child care. Also maybe young cousins on loan to the family (if I correctly remember my grandmother's stories). A lot of people lived on farms and didn't have as many social opportunities. I think we learned in school that in the cities the parents worked very long days, so I'm not sure how much real family time existed. When I lived abroad one place all the little ones were taken care of by a few women while the other mothers were working during the day, that seems likely to have been the most common child-rearing up until more recent times?
My opinion is the biggest recent historical change is lack of siblings. I have a co-worker from another country that is at the stage of progress like in my grandparents time. He has a lot of brothers and sisters. From his stories I can tell that the siblings do a lot of enforcing of family values/culture.
During the teenage years when it is normal to rebel, I think siblings are in the best position to keep the rebellion in bounds. I only have/had one brother and one sister and I can remember a few instances of that during my teenage years.
With family size so small it seems like China would be a good place to study (for both excellent and horrendous examples maybe) about how a society can deal with a lack of siblings.

Wow. You just brought up a whole new angle to this discussion. I think the points you have stated here are worth giving a thought on. Thanks for your educative contributions.

 

[grahamg]

Well, Grahamg, I'm just a concerned fellow, nothing more. But I think I'm a little bit curious about the campaign you mentioned above. What does the campaign seeks to achieve?

You've asked another interesting question there, and funnily enough when I'd spent some time doing my bit of campaigning with "Fathers for justice" and other groups, I found I was at odds with some of their views, (those other groups were the ones less likely to break the law with their actions, though I never joined F4J, and in any event was told only those who wished to protest inside government buildings etc should go in, so about half of us stayed outside).

My difference of opinion concerned whether or not I believed in sole custody being granted to one parent following divorce, and overall I did, whilst they took a different view, (my demand was and remains as I may have said, for a "rebuttable presumption of contact" for decent parents, and with some pretty strict conditions set as to who might be eligible for this right, I won't go into further here).

 

[grahamg]

In the UK today this news item appeared, seemingly indicating there is a need to make a positive change of some kind in the way our children are brought up, (as I've said above, there is one possible suggested change that might help both the decent parent currently being excluded for no good reason, and "who knows" their children too perhaps! ).

I'll give you the full text taken from the "i" newspaper, as its short:
"MORE CHILDREN HAVE EATING DISORDERS"
Hospital admissions for children with eating disorders have risen by almost a fifth in two years and by almost a third in all age groups, figures show. NHS Digital data for England show there were 21,794 admissions for eating disorders among all age groups in 2019-20, up 13% from the previous year.

Here too is a website and article with alot to say on the thread topic, (or following divorce anyway):

In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/psyc...orced families may,with peers after a divorce.

Emotional Impact of Divorce

Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating:

• Young children often struggle to understand why they must go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving one another that someday, their parents may stop loving them.
• Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved or they may assume they did something wrong.
• Teenagers may become quite angry about a divorce and the changes it creates. They may blame one parent for the dissolution of the marriage or they may resent one or both parents for the upheaval in the family.

Of course, each situation is unique. In extreme circumstances, a child may feel relieved by the separation—if a divorce means fewer arguments and less stress.

 

[grahamg]

Doesn't anyone think that after about 100 years having had a family law system asserting everything they do is in the best interests of any children involved, that all the above negative consequences flowing from our own folly, is the way its turned out for so many?

Could it be the system its self, or the law its based upon, (and our prevailing attitudes in western societies), are at fault??

 

[Aneeda72]

Thank you katlup. I am actually more concerned about the fact that nowadays, probably because parents have to work for longer hours to meet up with the growing financial needs of family, more responsibilities are being shifted to other social institutions like the school and day care (for parents who leave their kids there all day while they work). This might not be the reality for you and many other parents who still have the time to be with their children but then, the fact still remains that more parents nowadays spend less time with their kids. I'm concerned about the negative impact it might have on the kids and eventually the larger society. Thanks once again for your educative contribution.

This thread might have been better pre COVID as parents are spending a great deal of time with their children.

 

[grahamg]

This thread might have been better pre COVID as parents are spending a great deal of time with their children.

You can be "on your own", (psychologically), whilst in the same room with other family members can't you, and if schools are open they tell me youngsters in the schools spend a great deal of their time on their mobile phones, rather than mixing at break times.