Encountering ex's (or soon to be ex's) new partner

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
I decided to try to appeal to the man my then wife was seeing, to argue he should not break up my marriage, (nor his own).

His response, delivered in a relaxed manner was he would do whatever my wife wished, and of course he held all the cards there, having told her months before he loved her, and she'd been seeing him at lunch breaks, or when supposed to be doing overtime in the evening, so she'd reciprocated, (oh, and in short order he'd gotten his wife to sign a separation agreement too, though I didn't know this of course).

After six to nine months I encountered the man again, (my wife having moved into his house the day after his wife left). However the smugnesses he'd shown previously wasn't quite so much in evidence, and his calling me "mate" didn't help his cause either, as I felt I'd got the measure of him by then, and kept any encounters very brief, and I was curt in my manner, responding to enquiries he'd been sent out to deliver by my ex.

There we are, a long time ago thankfully, the man has now married yet another woman, (my ex having left him too), but you do read and hear of those who do become friends (or mates), with the ex's new partner don't you, and some go to their weddings or at least get invited, "very civilised you'd have to say!).

"Ex's hey, who'd be without em!" :)
 

I don't care, but you should have punched him in the eye instead of appealed to him. Sure you'd might have had some legal trouble, but the satisfaction would have been worth it and your wife at the time would have known there was another facet to your personality.
 

Judycat said:
I don't care, but you should have punched him in the eye instead of appealed to him. Sure you'd might have had some legal trouble, but the satisfaction would have been worth it and your wife at the time would have known there was another facet to your personality.
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Interesting you should suggest that course of action, but after months of being told our marriage had failed because we were incompatible or to use my ex's words, "I want more", and there was no one else involved, I was as "weak as a cat", physically and psychologically!
However, to use another animal based metaphor, "every dog has its day", and once I'd rehabilitated myself, with amazing help etc., whenever I met the man I've briefly mentioned in the OP, (who might once have been called a cuckhold), it was him who was at a disadvantage, mentally and physically, as he used to "shake", and I hadn't even had to threaten him or anything else, just my confidence, curtness etc, seemed to have this effect upon him.
Very satisfying I must admit, and no need for an assault charge or other possible repercussions, (my wife btw, was concerned about him getting a bang on the nose when I went over to meet him, "very caring person", you'd have to say, but not so much about me psychologically, my dear "warrior wife" as she called herself!).
Emotions, and stakes can be very high in these circumstances as we all know, and the end of my marriage traumatic as it obviously was, it did turn out to be better than the purgatory I would have had to face, and my wife should have probably had to endure, in what had to then be a loveless marriage.
 
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My wife married the man she had an affair with so I am stuck seeing the jerk from time to time. Fortunately, as the kids grow older i see him less and less. The amazing thing is this jerk seems to think we ought to be friends, buddies, mates. Yea, Right.

Some people say I have a bad attitude towards him and should forgive him. Well, though he has never repented or said he was sorry, I have forgiven him. But, that's not the issue. I know he will lie to me, and hurt me and my children to get what he wants. Not to mention how he hurt his own wife and his own kids. Why in the world would I want to get anywhere near such a person?

You've heard of Trust but Verify. For me it's Forgive and Avoid.

Living well is the best revenge. Enough said.
 
Brookswood said:
My wife married the man she had an affair with so I am stuck seeing the jerk from time to time. Fortunately, as the kids grow older i see him less and less. The amazing thing is this jerk seems to think we ought to be friends, buddies, mates. Yea, Right.

Some people say I have a bad attitude towards him and should forgive him. Well, though he has never repented or said he was sorry, I have forgiven him. But, that's not the issue. I know he will lie to me, and hurt me and my children to get what he wants. Not to mention how he hurt his own wife and his own kids. Why in the world would I want to get anywhere near such a person?

You've heard of Trust but Verify. For me it's Forgive and Avoid.

Living well is the best revenge. Enough said.
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I would send him a sympathy card.
My ex wife cheated on me & the guy later called me & said he was afraid that I would shoot him.
I told him "You have nothing to be concerned about; I use high-quality ammunition & it's expensive; it costs $1.00 per shot & that's 99 cents more than you are worth. But, I'm sure your wife & your kids already know what you're worth. And, since I've filed for divorce, she's all yours."
 
win231 said:
I would send him a sympathy card.
My ex wife cheated on me & the guy later called me & said he was afraid that I would shoot him.
I told him "You have nothing to be concerned about; I use high-quality ammunition & it's expensive; it costs $1.00 per shot & that's 99 cents more than you are worth. But, I'm sure your wife & your kids already know what you're worth. And, since I've filed for divorce, she's all yours."
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I admire your "clean break" attitude.
My ex, or soon to be ex., even told me "You couldn't be/should be happy for me", something like that, and of course, her and the new man/daddy both reassured each other, and anyone listening how they were doing what they were, "in the best interests of my/our child", (that old chestnut I rally against so much, yet given the level of distinction in our relationship it may have been true in our case, no matter my daughter came to reject contact aged twelve, "under unremitting pressure" from someone as I've said elsewhere, who was/is an expert in mind control.:( !)
 
Judycat said:
I don't care, but you should have punched him in the eye instead of appealed to him. Sure you'd might have had some legal trouble, but the satisfaction would have been worth it and your wife at the time would have known there was another facet to your personality.
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His wife must have been unhappy in the marriage, otherwise she wouldn't have got involved with another man.
 
Rosemarie said:
His wife must have been unhappy in the marriage, otherwise she wouldn't have got involved with another man.
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The solution to that is counseling and if necessary divorce. Not breaking the marriage vows.

Speaking of 'doing it for the kids', I'll give you all one guess as to who was left to deal with the broken, crying children after she left.
 
Brookswood said:
The solution to that is counseling and if necessary divorce. Not breaking the marriage vows.

Speaking of 'doing it for the kids', I'll give you all one guess as to who was left to deal with the broken, crying children after she left.
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Lack of communication may be part of the problem. Some couples find it difficult to sit and discuss things rationally. The solution may have been to stay together for the sake of the children, but for her to be free to have boyfriends, as long as she was discreet about it.
 
My last encounter with my ex was many years ago. I was at my son's middle school graduation. As I walked to my car, my ex, who was hiding in the back seat jumped out at me. I was so startled, I almost Maced her.
That was the last time I saw her.
 
Brookswood said:
The solution to that is counseling and if necessary divorce. Not breaking the marriage vows.
Speaking of 'doing it for the kids', I'll give you all one guess as to who was left to deal with the broken, crying children after she left.
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A sagacious work colleague of mine when I was a young man made this comment so far as those breaking up their marriages for the reason we're discussing here, "If one wife/husband/partner is not enough for you, ten spouses/partners is not too many"!
(my ex left the man she broke up our marriage for, and the next one, so she's almost half way there!)
Still, I'm not arguing my marriage should have stayed intact, I don't think any of us would have survived that experience with our psyche in any fit state, if we'd survived physically, so traumatic did it become with my "warrior wife",(I wonder how many women on this forum feel that description suits them, btw?).
My fathers rights campaigning days tells me or reminded me just how many folks end up dealing with very difficult situations post split up or divorce, but let's not worry hey, "Its all being done in the children's best interests",(or so we're being told :) ).
 
I walked away from my marriage when I discovered my husband's long affair with a workmate. Our children were both adults, 21 and 19.

We were divorced after 12 months, and he then married 'the other woman'. They are still married. We come into contact occasionally, if rarely. Mostly in connection with some major development in our children's lives, marriages, grandkids arriving, that kind of thing.

Everyone is adult about it and cordial enough, but even though we have now been divorced longer than we were married he still has trouble meeting my eye, even looking directly at me for that matter. He sort of talks to me with his head partly turned away.

She, on the other hand, never seems to take her eyes off me. It is so obvious, it is often remarked upon by others - very strange.
 
Well, my sister walked out on her husband, telling him she felt "unfulfilled".

He was devastated; she had never said anything to indicate she was unhappy in 11 years.

He had become a friend during marriage, but during that time of hand-holding, he became one of our best friends. And still is.

The divorce was amicable. He has a house; she has a house; their kids are grown/married/kids of their own and have houses.....and all four households are within 2 miles of one another. We used to get together as one big group for family events, including his girlfriends.
 
One awful thought brought to mind is a comment a friend of mine made many years ago about the likelihood of those whose partners stray becoming infected with something unpleasant, and if you're unaware of their unfaithfulness, you could be unwittingly exposing yourself to an infection, (it doesn't bear thing about too much though does it! :( ).
 
Brookswood said:
Never mind. My comment was not important.
Living Well is still the best Revenge.
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I can acknowledge showing you've gotten your life back together can wind up the ex., (mine expressed the belief "ten years after she'd left" I was still hankering after her or loved her, but she'd inflated the influence she had by about eight years there!).
My mother in law, or former mother in law, told me my ex didn't like the music I played on my car stereo when picking up or dropping off our daughter, this wound her up, so maybe she thought I shouldn't be enjoying music, and should appear to be wearing "sack cloth and ashes", (is that the correct term for those in mourning?).
Your comments were not ignored, and were in fact appreciated, at least by me! :)
 
Not sure if this counts..but I have experienced the opposite. Rick stayed close with his stepdaughter after his divorce. So, I did encounter HIS ex several times over the years. At birthday parties for grandkids, stepdaughters second wedding, etc. His ex wife even sent me a condolence card after Rick died.
 
Jason Momoa is best friends with his wife Lisa Bonet's ex...Lenny Kravitz. Damn that woman can pick 'em! Jason and Lisa have children and Lisa has a daughter (Zoe) with Lenny. Zoe is very close with her step father, they all hang out together and Jason has even given Lenny at least one very nice gift. Jason and Lisa got together 12 years after she and Lenny divorced so it's not quite the same as your situation. Here's Jason, Lisa, Lenny & Zoe.

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grahamg said:
One awful thought brought to mind is a comment a friend of mine made many years ago about the likelihood of those whose partners stray becoming infected with something unpleasant, and if you're unaware of their unfaithfulness, you could be unwittingly exposing yourself to an infection, (it doesn't bear thing about too much though does it! :( ).
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Yes people who were unfaithful and exposed their partners to infection kept my co-workers, the STD units and me employed. We were literally "private detectives". It's amazing how many people caught syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV and other infections and never told their partners, in fact refused to tell their wives, husbands and SOs. We had to do it..without letting the partners know who gave their names. This became quite tricky when the wife would say "well, I'm not coming in (for exam and treatment) because I've only had sex with my husband". But we managed to get them to come in or go to their doctors. I've been retired for 23 years and I still say now as I said back then..."Now is not the time!" (to be fooling around). BTW, incidences of senior citizens with STDs rose quite a bit over the last couple of decades.
 

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