Estrangements, and things that can never be

[Nathan]

I enjoyed getting together with my son this past Saturday. Over dinner we discussed family matters in the course of the evening. I feel blessed to have the love and respect of my son, which is particularly important since having lost my daughter 3 years ago. I try not to ask about my son's mother(my ex), I feel foolish because I know she doesn't give a $h!t about me. But, I think the upside is that in expressing interest in the well-being of his mother, my son sees that people can put aside conflicts of the past and still feel.

Then there's my estranged adopted daughter. She took sides in the divorce, listened to her mother's vitriol and still to this day(age 50) she regards me as just an Assh*le. I'm trying not to let that affect me emotionally, but sometimes it just does.

Neither of these estrangements will ever be resolved, I just need to keep trying to accept that.

 

[Kadee]

My 1/2 sibling and my full brother….. I have No ..desire what so ever to ever reunite with them ….my half sister son is in jail for life for kicking a senior man to death ( he claimed it was his friend Who killed him )

but she claims he’s 100% innocent ..he was real brat as a kid ….and a teen ( he had several kids with diffrent woman )
I’ve actually got a copy of his appeal on my iPad …that gives every thing that happened …leading up to and after the murder
( he actually phoned me from prison once asking me for money )

Ive got one full brother living ..who’s 2 years younger than myself, I’ve not seen him in 20 years ( at one of the other half siblings funeral )

and no desire to do so for things that happed as teens ..he put note in my bed asking for Sex …and to be … naked .no biggy some may say …but to me it was ….

Apparently I disliked him for the time he was 2 weeks old …cause when our mother bought him home I wacked him in the face with a wire coat hanger


Got allot of time for my youngest 1/2 brother but he lives 500 km away, he was born… with issues due to our mother being an alcoholic …he works but has a heart condition due to alcohol syndrome

he’s only less than a year older than my eldest who’s was born 2 weeks short of my 21st birthday

The young brother …who’s just turned 60 this month …was…sorta orphaned at 9 his father died …and mother ended up being sent to a mental institution with type of dementia caused by alcohol

 

[Babs2u]

It happens too often. You would hope that after some time the daughter might question the validity of the claims made during a divorce.

 

[Kadee]

I enjoyed getting together with my son this past Saturday. Over dinner we discussed family matters in the course of the evening. I feel blessed to have the love and respect of my son, which is particularly important since having lost my daughter 3 years ago. I try not to ask about my son's mother(my ex), I feel foolish because I know she doesn't give a $h!t about me. But, I think the upside is that in expressing interest in the well-being of his mother, my son sees that people can put aside conflicts of the past and still feel.

Then there's my estranged adopted daughter. She took sides in the divorce, listened to her mother's vitriol and still to this day(age 50) she regards me as just an Assh*le. I'm trying not to let that affect me emotionally, but sometimes it just does.

Neither of these estrangements will ever be resolved, I just need to keep trying to accept that.

That’s so unfair to be treated like that @Nathan when my ex and i divorced the kids would come home after school holidays with him and say…” dad said” ….my response was …that’s not nice ..l never said a bad word against the cheater / womaniser…thief…he died some years ago…

 

[seadoug]

These stories are so unfortunate. My SIL and her husband split up almost 8 years ago. She was a consistently great mother who kept her kids in line... even our nephew who is autistic. Her husband never lifted a finger to discipline his own kids, even though he counseled troubled kids. She was fed up and finally moved on.

Now the kids are adults and when they visit her ex-husband he does everything he can to turn them against their mother. He has also completely turned his side of the family against all of her side of the family... SIL, BIL and my hubby. I always thought he was a pretty chill if boring guy, but he has totally surprised me. Amazing how vindictive people can be under certain circumstances.

Our 3 nieces are very accomplished and mature for their ages. That is because they were raised by their mother. They have total respect for her. At my SIL's recommendation, our nephew, who is now 28, joined the Navy. It seemed he had found a purpose, but he was discharged due to a minor injury. Now he's back to playing video games all day and won't get a job, so he has recently been sent to live with his father. What goes around, comes around.

When spouses are bitter, it is best to just move on and let them revel in their own unhappiness.

 

[IrishEyes]

My son and DIL are now recently divorced after 32 yrs. Her mother died a year after they got married and she and I have had a great relationship all this time. Suddenly once the divorce was final, she retreated from talking to any of us on this side of the family.
I know her well, very well so gave her the time to work out her emotions and changes happening, finally she called. She said she began to call me several times and it just felt weird, after all he is your son, she said.
I asked her "Do you think I have loved you all these years because of him or because you are you? I will not say who is right or wrong, that is between the both of you. Not only was I your MIL, I was your friend too, let's continue with that"
She began sobbing as she really thought I would "take" his side. There is no side here unless one of them hurts me someday purposely, then I will be on my side, but I am very capable of loving them both at the same time still yet.
The world is hard enough on it's own, we all need every speck of support we can be given. Just don't abuse the ones willing to support you and love you , warts and all.

 

[CallMeKate]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this kind of thing, Nathan. For what it's worth, I think that asking your son about the welfare of his mother is absolutely the right thing to do. He'll remember and appreciate it.

 

[IrishEyes]

It is so much easier for many to just stop communication, be DONE with it, toss people away than to sit down and talk.
I always have to wonder when someone refuses to even attempt to talk things out "What are they hiding from me?"
Is it fear their real self will show through, is it anger because they didn't get their way? Is it a need to hurt someone/get even or control?
My way or the highway is a one way road and will get lonely after you have no bridges to turn around on or for others to cross.
I have seen many postings (on many web platforms) of people proud of that fact that they cut it off with someone and I have to think.... then why do you have to keep repeating it? It must bother them still cause they can't seem to get past it.
Anyway, I never was afraid of putting in some hard work, I never took pride in anything I tried to cut corners with, so for me if it is "Closure" coming with someone let it come with a hug and a "Wish you all the best" as the ending.

 

[GoodEnuff]

I always have to wonder when someone refuses to even attempt to talk things out

Ah, yes. This is what I do because inevitably, "talking things out" means taking the mean, hurtful hits from the other person. No matter what they say and how many apologies are offered, it will happen again. And again. No, thanks. I won't do that anymore. I just walk away. As for being lonely because I have burned those bridges? No, being alone is much better than being subjected to that kind of treatment.

 

[IrishEyes]

Ah, yes. This is what I do because inevitably, "talking things out" means taking the mean, hurtful hits from the other person. No matter what they say and how many apologies are offered, it will happen again. And again. No, thanks. I won't do that anymore. I just walk away. As for being lonely because I have burned those bridges? No, being alone is much better than being subjected to that kind of treatment.

I am sorry to were pushed to that being the answer. I don't push people to talk, I do let them know I am open to discuss when things cool off and we can talk calmly. This has worked for me so I use it. The world is made of all kinds/types, that is how we learn what is best for ourselves. I just find it hard to understand, maybe because I haven't experienced it yet.

 

[Medusa]

Ah, yes. This is what I do because inevitably, "talking things out" means taking the mean, hurtful hits from the other person. No matter what they say and how many apologies are offered, it will happen again. And again. No, thanks. I won't do that anymore. I just walk away. As for being lonely because I have burned those bridges? No, being alone is much better than being subjected to that kind of treatment.

I feel you here. Sometimes things simply cannot be talked out and need to be left alone.

 

[MACKTEXAS]

There are many sad stories here. I have one too, concerning my daughter, but I've posted it before, so no need to repeat it, except to say that she chose a life of drugs and crime over family. We tried talking for 25 years and it didn't work. They were unmeaningful conversations.

The last time we spoke was May, 2024. Actually, that particular conversation went rather well and ended well, but I haven't heard from her since. It's never been that long between calls, so I feel sure she has met with a bad end. The phone number I had for her has been disconnected and I have no current address.

I've tried every investigative resource and search imaginable without results, then finally decided it's probably better not knowing.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have a good relationship with 2 of my 3 ex’s. The first ex is dead. With my third marriage I helped raise my stepson since he was eight years old. We divorced when he was 28. I attend any family event I’m invited to and I get along well with everyone.

. I also get along well with the father of my children, and we all attend big events together. last year we did two family reunions at his house and we all stayed there. He could no longer travel to where I live because his wife has dementia. I’m on the side of doing my best for all the kids so that they never have to choose between their parents.

 

[IrishEyes]

There are many sad stories here. I have one too, concerning my daughter, but I've posted it before, so no need to repeat it, except to say that she chose a life of drugs and crime over family. We tried talking for 25 years and it didn't work. They were unmeaningful conversations.

The last time we spoke was May, 2024. Actually, that particular conversation went rather well and ended well, but I haven't heard from her since. It's never been that long between calls, so I feel sure she has met with a bad end. The phone number I had for her has been disconnected and I have no current address.

I've tried every investigative resource and search imaginable without results, then finally decided it's probably better not knowing.

Mack, my youngest sister went down that road too. She lost 2 children to the system for being born drug addicted.
I tried to get guardianship of her 1st one but she was in Calif, I was in Mo... and other excuses they came up with.
Then we didn't hear from her for 7 years. We were sure she was on the street in some alley in East L.A. overdosed.
Long story short, she just came home, got clean, has a daughter she has raised to one terrific lady.
I truly hope your experience turns out similar. I truly do. We had given up,
so whether it's better to give up and try to put it to rest or keep that glimmer of hope going is always up to you.
I sort of always kept a mental candle burning in the window rather than a flood light in the yard and that helped.