Family assumptions and estrangements

J

Jeni

Senior Member
Do any of you have family you just don't have any relationship with?

In this pandemic ...I am seeing my neighbor who is 80, tells me about getting more calls or Facetime ...or even family stopping by talking to her from probably 12 feet away ........ but before this she heard from some of these family members ......seldom or around holidays or some event.
I hope for her sake it continues after this has ended...... I doubt it.... looks from the outside like "remember me for the will " or social media posturing.
Do people feel need to connect to relate or is it like" my grandma/ aunt etc is older and I am checking in on her."..... or it looks good on a social media post.

This sudden burst of concern ....makes me think back to when local news anchors often really contorted themselves........ to somehow tie- in a local angle to a national or international story.

I have not spoken to a couple of sisters for a few years since our mother passed.....
I know why I have no interest in reaching out.................... as it is always the same ...Whoa is me story and asking for money........
I am just surprised as well they must need money more now but not a peep.
I often wonder if some day any of my nieces or nephews will try to look me up for whatever ...I guess you never know what their parent said about why we do not interact.

I also had my BF recently tell me how she had to do all these items for her elderly in-laws ........ in 20 plus years of friendship i never knew these people were alive.......BF and hubby have not had contact for decades i guess but as the only relatives they were contacted as both of the in-laws have serious issues and needed to be moved into assisted living......... and take care of a horrific mess of financial issues.

These folks have not spoken to their son or DIL in decades.... but now think they can order them around in taking care of items....

Is it just expected as people reach a certain age all past is forgotten and are supposed to re-connect ?
 

Last edited:
Because my father's mother hated my Mother, we never had a relationship with any of the family on my Dad's side. We would go visit them every Sunday, all the family would have dinner together while we sat in the living room until they were done eating. I never tasted my Grandmother's cooking and was not even allowed to talk to my many cousins on that side of the family. It was very weird to even be in their company.
 
Sassycakes said:
Because my father's mother hated my Mother, we never had a relationship with any of the family on my Dad's side. We would go visit them every Sunday, all the family would have dinner together while we sat in the living room until they were done eating. I never tasted my Grandmother's cooking and was not even allowed to talk to my many cousins on that side of the family. It was very weird to even be in their company.
Click to expand...
that seems very sad and disturbing to have to even go to "visit"
 

Oh, yeah!
I've coined a term for this: "The Throwaway Era."
When our mom died, my brother & sister both lost their minds. (my sister has improved since then & become more of a decent human being; she's seeing a therapist & maybe he's helping her.)
Our brother decided he was entitled to ALL three of the properties from our parents & he contested the will and trust & started a legal fight that made the properties go into probate & it took 7 years to settle.
(No surprise; he's been a thief his whole life with a felony conviction for fraud). His lawyer knew he had no case, but (of course) he knew he could soak him for a good chunk of his inheritance by encouraging him to fight. We went to trial, he lost. His attorney wasn't through soaking him; he encouraged him to appeal; he lost the appeal. He then encouraged him to appeal the appeal & the court refused to hear it. It cost me over $100,000 in legal fees & cost my brother much more. Probate required a title search & that search revealed that I owned part of one of the properties (that I wasn't aware of). He had to sell the house his mommy bought him to buy me out.

Covid:
My nephew has decided that his mother or his uncle (me) will make him, his wife & his two kids sick. That's a legitimate concern right now, so I don't blame him for being concerned, but he has acquired the "Blame Game." He'll criticize me for going out for my daily walk & having a couple of friends over (wearing required masks, of course). He'll yell at his mother for going shopping or having her nails done, while his wife shops at Costco.....as if the virus is "considerate" & understands that his wife has to shop for food, so it won't infect her. When my sister & I both got colds last month (COLDS, NOT COVID), he blamed me, saying "I gave her my cold." I won't go near him or speak to him. If one of his kids started to have a runny nose, he would blame me. He has turned into a complete paranoid idiot. I'm sure he's not alone in that.
 
Last edited:
win231 said:
Oh, yeah!
I've coined a term for this: "The Throwaway Era."
When our mom died, my brother & sister both lost their minds. (my sister has improved since then & become more of a decent human being.)
Our brother decided he was entitled to ALL three of the properties from our parents & he contested the will and trust & started a legal fight that made the properties go into probate & it took 7 years to settle.
(No surprise; he's been a thief his whole life with a felony conviction for fraud). His lawyer knew he had no case, but (of course) he knew he could soak him for a good chunk of his inheritance by encouraging him to fight. We went to trial, he lost. His attorney wasn't through soaking him; he encouraged him to appeal; he lost the appeal. He then encouraged him to appeal the appeal & the court refused to hear it. It cost me over $100,000 in legal fees & cost my brother much more. Probate required a title search & that search revealed that I owned part of one of the properties (that I wasn't aware of). He had to sell the house his mommy bought him to buy me out.
Click to expand...
Interesting term ....
While wills have been a family destroyer for probably ever ...
I see more and more whom simply choose to distance because they simply do not like or have anything in common with some family or no longer want to enable their behavior.

I First cut off contact when my kids were young, as sisters were addicts and had money issues....................... so it simply was not worth going to functions. Had to carry my purse or lock in my car etc.( once saw one trying to get into our car) While I used them as real life examples of what drugs do ....it was important to distance ourselves. Kids are impressionable and most nephews and nieces have become druggies as well.

I have worked in many offices and some people seem to forget cubicles are not very private ....... cannot count how many people who complained the whole week in advance ........ in dread of some family event....... siblings not contributing to family dinners ....people bringing horrible things to pot luck events etc .....................
THEN the whole week after airing their angry tirade of........... "can you believe we asked (X ) to bring rolls and he brought one 4 pk of kings Hawaiian when 30 people were at event " .........type stories

For all those people and yes there are many.............. have seemed upset if they found in conversation, I do not interact with some family......
but seems to me how much easier it is then to get worked up and upset after every confrontation, I meant event.

I am just bewildered that some tell me ......"call or contact this person or that person because you both are getting older etc"

I no longer KNOW this person ................if this was I just met them at a work or social place I most likely would NOT make a friendship with them. ........ but because we had family ties I am supposed to do this?

No one says call or find that weird kid from third grade that no one talked to ........cause we are getting older.....
 
Last edited:
Jeni said:
that seems very sad and disturbing to have to even go to "visit"
Click to expand...
My Mom insisted we all go visit so my Dad wouldn't lose connection with his family. Honestly, I don't know how she did it with the way they treated her. I was lucky though because my Mom came from a large family and we were all very close. I can't even count how many cousins I have on my Mom's side, and we all lived near one another.
 
Sassycakes said:
My Mom insisted we all go visit so my Dad wouldn't lose connection with his family. Honestly, I don't know how she did it with the way they treated her. I was lucky though because my Mom came from a large family and we were all very close. I can't even count how many cousins I have on my Mom's side, and we all lived near one another.
Click to expand...
Exactly but was keeping that "connection" worth it...... in a similar situation the spouse waited until the hubby or wife realized what their family was truly like and let them make the break.
 
I grew up with two half brothers, both went their separate ways and we have lost contact. I believe both to be in British Columbia doing magic mushrooms.

The third half brother I found as an adult. While his wife showed interest in developing a relationship, he was rather cool it seemed so I let it go and stopped bothering and so did he.

When he had his wife reach out after several years my fist thought was that maybe he needed a kidney.
 
Jeni said:
Exactly but was keeping that "connection" worth it...... in a similar situation the spouse waited until the hubby or wife realized what their family was truly like and let them make the break.
Click to expand...
My Mom hated to see my Dad sad over losing his Mom, Dad,5 sisters, and one brother. I give her credit for being in their company. They didn't care for her because my Mom and Dad married when they were only 16yrs old and his family counted on his pay. I remember one Aunt saying to me on their 50th wedding anniversary that she thought the marriage wouldn't last that long. Well, it did and it lasted 62yrs until my Dad passed away.
 
Sassycakes said:
My Mom hated to see my Dad sad over losing his Mom, Dad,5 sisters, and one brother. I give her credit for being in their company. They didn't care for her because my Mom and Dad married when they were only 16yrs old and his family counted on his pay. I remember one Aunt saying to me on their 50th wedding anniversary that she thought the marriage wouldn't last that long. Well, it did and it lasted 62yrs until my Dad passed away.
Click to expand...
That is a shame some people can be like that..... The minister who presided at my parents wedding said it won't last. He was the father of my mother's sister in law......
My father died in an accident about 17 years into marriage..... my mother when being consoled by that minister looked at him and said "well, I guess you were right ..... "
That guy was mortified...... never said a word again to my mother.
 
Last edited:
I have so many relatives that there are many I don't have any relationship. There are many that I've never even met. i'm talking cousins. I do have two first cousins (twins) on my biological father's side that I did meet who are just so weird that they don't communicate with anybody in the family. I met that part of my family starting in 1998. As far as close relatives go we keep in good touch and get along wonderfully.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I have so many relatives that there are many I don't have any relationship. There are many that I've never even met. i'm talking cousins. I do have two first cousins (twins) on my biological father's side that I did meet who are just so weird that they don't communicate with anybody in the family. I met that part of my family starting in 1998. As far as close relatives go we keep in good touch and get along wonderfully.
Click to expand...
It is always good to hear those who do get along well......
 


Back
Top