Friends who will help you--IF ONLY they could.

V

Victor

Senior Member
Location
midwest USA
Do you know friends that are always telling you how he/she will do things for
you and help you--IF_______ If I had a car I would drive you. If I wasn't
so busy I would do this for you. I have a cold otherwise I would visit you.

Anything I can do to help----- but in fact there is nothing they can do to help
and they know it. Especially if they have no transportation or it is too inconvenient.
No one is asking for their help. Meanwhile they have never helped at all.

They may be caring people that feel the need to act even nicer, and then apologize
profusely that they cannot help. Is this BS or what?
You could say, if I had a million, I'd give you--whatever.
Sounds flattering--but no followup is expected!
What do you say to this??
 

There are 6 or 8 of us who chum around together; recently one had bronchitis and we took her soup, mac
and cheese etc. One of us would drop in each day to check on her. She is on the mend and has said how
grateful she is for our concern. That is what friends are for!
 
I had a friend, from Elementary School, who always promised things but NEVER delivered. After she offered to let my family and I stay at her place, for the third time, on our third visit to her area, but then found yet another reason why it might be a hassle for us, I vowed to never take any other offers she ever made to me, about anything, to heart. She did make more offers concerning other things, after that third time, but I never responded to those offers knowing, full well, that they were hollow. Once bit, twice shy, third time - - - you're out!
 
An old friend once told me his life lesson was to have no expectations and you would have no disappointments. I adopted that one for myself. It works for me, even though I do have some expectations.

I expect such offers will come to nothing and I'm rarely disappointed. :)
 
Victor said:
Do you know friends that are always telling you how he/she will do things for
you and help you--IF_______ If I had a car I would drive you. If I wasn't
so busy I would do this for you. I have a cold otherwise I would visit you.

Anything I can do to help----- but in fact there is nothing they can do to help
and they know it. Especially if they have no transportation or it is too inconvenient.
No one is asking for their help. Meanwhile they have never helped at all.

Yes, I know someone like this too...I think they do this to make themselves feel better. When it becomes habitual with them, it becomes very disingenuous and almost degrading. Just have to tune it out, since you know it's just words, no action.
Like the saying goes, "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". I like straight-shooters and honesty. Don't tell me something just because it sounds good at the time if you have no intention of ever even doing it.
Click to expand...
 
A friend? once watched while I dug a garden but said her back did not allow her to help but she would if she could. Two weeks later I said the same words watching her dig her own garden :D
 
My wife will, as I'm making supper, say "need any help in there", absolutely knowing that she doesn't really want to help. She knows I'm doing fine. I will tell her "don't ask me if I need help, because I know you really don't want to help." She will say, "sorry, you're right". But there are those times that I might need help and she comes and helps, with a smile.

There are folks that say "I've got the best dog", "best cat" or "best" whatever. For me, I have the "best wife"!
 
I can offer to help my wife when she's getting a meal together but know it will most likely be refused. Aside from peeling potatoes, my culinary skills are more likely to lead to disasters in the kitchen, rather than help.
 
I have a good sense of when someone is making an honest offer vs someone who is just talking and saying things they think I want to hear. Of course it comes after being burned many times. I detest hollow offers.
 
Mostly they are just giving you an excuse,to make themselves feel better about not doing what they feel they should do.
 
I have one close friend who constantly offers hypothetical or real help.
About 40 times in one year alone, I figure. An empty gesture or BS?
Men do this all the time, seem to me. Means nothing, like I'll call you.

But what bothers me is that, what if this person is in your will as executor
or something. They have no legal obligation to do this job, my lawyer says.
He/she can bow out, say they are too busy, not follow through.
If I have to hear one more person tell me that they are busy...
I wish people would just speak the truth.
 
I'd say, "Thank you, that's a very kind thought. I'd do the same for you in return."

I was brought up to be independent and not depend on someone else to take care of me. So all our financial planning was focused with that in mind. Since we don't have kids, living in the city gives us options that might be more difficult to find in rural or even suburban areas. Costs are higher, but the breadth and depth of services is proportionately greater.

Kind thoughts are something to appreciate, not disdain. I have plenty of friends I know, who if asked to help specifically with something (instead of just a general "wish someone would help me"), would do their best to help.

And if they can't, because life does get in the way for all of us, no hard feelings. If it's that important to get done, I'll figure out a way to do it. If I don't succeed, that's life.
 

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