This is my first time on this forum. I'm writing today because I'm so full of emotional pain that I don't know what to do with it. I live a long way from my son, his wife and 2 teenagers. For 20 plus years she has sabotaged me until I have no connections left with any of them. It's awful.
Hateful Daughter in law
- Thread starter Gammareen
- Start date
Alligatorob
SF VIP
Welcome @Gammareen !
My closest experience was with my brother and his family.
That brother never has been very friendly or talkative, his wife less so. My parents were divorced so things were different for each. My father got mad and complained that he did not get the respect he should have from them. Result is he had little contact with them.
My mother on the other hand worked at it pretty hard. She never got invited to their house so she would just go, get a motel, and call to tell them she wanted the grandkids for planned activities. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not and she went home without seeing them. I know she was hurt, but she never showed it or complained and slowly she did build relationships with her grandkids and with time a bit with my brother and his wife. Not ideal, but a whole lot better than with my father.
Not suggesting this would work for you, it might but only you know your situation. Just what I can think of that might be helpful.
I am sorry to hear that, wish it were different for you. I am sure you can find some folks here who will commiserate with you, and maybe even offer useful advice.
My closest experience was with my brother and his family.
That brother never has been very friendly or talkative, his wife less so. My parents were divorced so things were different for each. My father got mad and complained that he did not get the respect he should have from them. Result is he had little contact with them.
My mother on the other hand worked at it pretty hard. She never got invited to their house so she would just go, get a motel, and call to tell them she wanted the grandkids for planned activities. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not and she went home without seeing them. I know she was hurt, but she never showed it or complained and slowly she did build relationships with her grandkids and with time a bit with my brother and his wife. Not ideal, but a whole lot better than with my father.
Not suggesting this would work for you, it might but only you know your situation. Just what I can think of that might be helpful.
palides2021
Well-known Member
- Location
- MidAtlantic, USA
Welcome, @Gammareen! Here at SF you will find a great bunch of folks! You have come to the right place!
Sorry to hear that you are going through this emotional pain! Take some deep breaths, in and out, slowly, until you can feel calm again. I have learned this, and it helps me whenever I'm perturbed.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this emotional pain! Take some deep breaths, in and out, slowly, until you can feel calm again. I have learned this, and it helps me whenever I'm perturbed.
hollydolly
SF VIP
- Location
- London England
Welcome to the forum @Gammareen , I can feel your pain. I have no advice for you..except to say I hope you stay on the forum and make friends here.... and I'm sure someone else will come along and give some comfort and advice for you along with @Alligatorob
CallMeKate
Well-known Member
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic US
Hi... and welcome again. I see you were here and posted in 2016... is this the same daughter in law you talked about back then... that she was a good wife and mother to the grandchildren? Sorry to hear that things went south in those 7 years since you were here before if this is the same son's wife!
hollydolly
SF VIP
- Location
- London England
seems they'd already gone south back in 2016...with no visits and unanswered emails...Hi... and welcome again. I see you were here and posted in 2016... is this the same daughter in law you talked about back then... that she was a good wife and mother to the grandchildren? Sorry to hear that things went south in those 7 years since you were here before if this is the same son's wife!
Quote
I didn't realize how true this little verse would become for me. I raised my son alone since he was 2 years of age. We had always agreed that when he was old enough he would go live with his Dad and get to know him. Even after 40 years, I am still on good terms with his Dad. That's not the problem. It is just since he married. He married a beautiful, smart girl who is a great wife to him and the best Mom I could ever want for the grandkids. I don't understand why when it comes to me she is super insecure. I visit once a year ... they are distant so can't afford more than one trip .... but they have never visited me. Emails go unanswered most of the time, I'm not to telephone them, texts are not answered etc etc
I understand that a man must "cleave to his wife" but does that mean to abandon his mother? This is breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. Accept it? I have never spoken to my son about it. Is anyone else experiencing something similar?... end quote
I was surprised to see my post from 2016. I knew I had tried a forum once but didn't realize it was this one. Just reminds me how long this has been hurting . I have only voiced my feelings to my son once and it was a mistake, He became very defensive . I do nothing to defend myself. I shut down. Become quiet.seems they'd already gone south back in 2016...with no visits and unanswered emails...
Quote
I didn't realize how true this little verse would become for me. I raised my son alone since he was 2 years of age. We had always agreed that when he was old enough he would go live with his Dad and get to know him. Even after 40 years, I am still on good terms with his Dad. That's not the problem. It is just since he married. He married a beautiful, smart girl who is a great wife to him and the best Mom I could ever want for the grandkids. I don't understand why when it comes to me she is super insecure. I visit once a year ... they are distant so can't afford more than one trip .... but they have never visited me. Emails go unanswered most of the time, I'm not to telephone them, texts are not answered etc etc
I understand that a man must "cleave to his wife" but does that mean to abandon his mother? This is breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. Accept it? I have never spoken to my son about it. Is anyone else experiencing something similar?... end quote
An example of what I experience. When the kids were toddlers she took me and them to a resort area for the day. The whole while we were there she hurried ahead of me with the children in a double stroller. She wouldn't let me help in any way or to touch the children. I couldn't keep up with the pace and there was no conversation at all. When we returned home she called her mother in front of me and told her I hadn't helped once during the whole day.
Thank you ā”
CallMeKate
Well-known Member
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic US
This is so sad! I'm sorry to hear you've been treated like this for such a long time.
Thank you so much. I haven't complained, Maybe I should have ....
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
What do you have to lose?
Meanwhile, I recommend you send cards and letters and gifts to your grandkids regardless of the tension between you and your daughter-in-law. That paid off for me...
My daughter got angry with me and didn't talk to me much for about 10 years or so. Consequently, I didn't get to talk to my granddaughter, Linn, very often. She was around 12 when this all started.
When Linn was 18, she called me. She'd enlisted in the navy and we had a long conversation about that and a bunch of other things; how she did in school, her friends, music, her new car; all kinds of stuff. She told me she loved me and missed me, and that she'd come see me before she went to boot camp, which she did do (a 500 mile drive). And I flew to So-Cal to see her graduate from boot, and again to see her off when she was sent to her base in Virginia Beach.
My cards and letters and little gifts to Linn let her know I was thinking about her all the while her mom was mad at me, and that the issue between me and her mom had nothing to do with my relationship with her (Linn).
And now, my daughter and I are thick as thieves again.
Gosh! Thanks for that encouragement. I have continued texting both teenage grandkids occassionally and sending gifts. Even though I don't often hear back, maybe it is doing something!
Gosh! Thanks for that encouragement. I have continued texting both teenage grandkids occassionally and sending gifts. Even though I don't often hear back, maybe it is doing something!
Tish
SF VIP
- Location
- Rural N.S.W. Australia
Welcome @Gammareen, I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish I knew more about your situation.
Welcome back @Gammareen . Sorry for what you are going through. You will find help and comfort among the members of this forum.
Been There
Well-known Member
- Location
- Florida
Welcome to the Forum. You will find a lot of friendly people here willing to help you resolve any problem that you may have. There are a lot of smart people here and are always willing to help.
For starters, would it be possible for you to share with us how this woman sabotaged you?
For starters, would it be possible for you to share with us how this woman sabotaged you?
PeppermintPatty
š¢. š³. š¢
- Location
- Canada
Welcome back Gammareen ( Rene )
You are the second person today who renewed their membership from many years ago. Iām impressed you remembered your password from so long ago. I can hardly remember what I ate yesterday. Isnāt old age grand.
My mom used to often say āA son is a son ātil he takes a wife.ā Iām not a mom so have no first hand experience but it does seem that once sons settle down with a woman, they drift away more than daughters do.
It sounds as though this has been going on for a long time. Iām sorry you are going through this. It must be very hurtful.
Have you talked to your DIL about it?
Maybe you could start writing to her in hopes of bringing you two closer.
You are the second person today who renewed their membership from many years ago. Iām impressed you remembered your password from so long ago. I can hardly remember what I ate yesterday. Isnāt old age grand.
My mom used to often say āA son is a son ātil he takes a wife.ā Iām not a mom so have no first hand experience but it does seem that once sons settle down with a woman, they drift away more than daughters do.
It sounds as though this has been going on for a long time. Iām sorry you are going through this. It must be very hurtful.
Have you talked to your DIL about it?
Maybe you could start writing to her in hopes of bringing you two closer.
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Been There
Well-known Member
- Location
- Florida
Reestablishing communications is always a good way to reopen an old friendship.Welcome back Gammareen ( Rene )
You are the second person today who renewed their membership from many years ago. Iām impressed you remembered your password from so long ago. I can hardly remember what I ate yesterday. Isnāt old age grand.
My mom used to often say āA son is a son ātil he takes a wife.ā Iām not a mom so have no first hand experience but it does seem that once sons settle down with a women, they drift away more than daughters do.
It sounds as though this has been going on for a long time. Iām sorry you are going through this. It must be very hurtful.
Have you talked to your DIL about it?
Maybe you could start writing to her in hopes of bringing you two closer.
Keep the lines of communication open, kids and adults both. I will say from my own experience I didn't know my grandmother very well as I was growing up, and my grand father had died years before. When I turned 16 I got it my head to start visiting grandma, couldn't give you a reason other than I thought I should. We grew very close, I only had a few years with her but grew to love her very much, those are some precious memories for me.
Here's the thing though, there was never any big fight or drama between my folks and grandma, I think it was more of an out of sight out of mind scenario. That's why I say keep the cards and messages going, even if it's one sided it's a reminder, maybe one day someone will reach out to you, I hope so.
Here's the thing though, there was never any big fight or drama between my folks and grandma, I think it was more of an out of sight out of mind scenario. That's why I say keep the cards and messages going, even if it's one sided it's a reminder, maybe one day someone will reach out to you, I hope so.
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
I agree with @PeppermintPatty, I am a Mom to a son, only child and also a widow. I have a close relationship still with my son. I don't see or talk to him as often as I would like and he lives in the area. I just remind myself that he is grown, working, raising a family. My DIL had a baby boy when they met. They lived here with me about 3 1/2 years saving for their future. That little boy is very much my grandson.
I have tried to make a deeper connection to my DIL but we are very different. She is very girlie, stylish, etc. I am not into all that so it is not like we are going to go shopping, get our nails done. The only thing that matters in the big picture is that my son is happy.
I have tried to make a deeper connection to my DIL but we are very different. She is very girlie, stylish, etc. I am not into all that so it is not like we are going to go shopping, get our nails done. The only thing that matters in the big picture is that my son is happy.
Devi
Well-known Member
- Location
- East WA USA
Is it possible that this behavior is being stirred up by her mother? (Or, that she's just not a very nice person.)