Help Me Find the Right Words...Parkinson's

[fureverywhere]

In a nutshell...hubby is still working...G-d bless as a prep cook, our finances well...I won't go there. But he's near 2nd stage PD. When he used to work he'd be out 10:30 or 11pm the latest. Now it's 6am and he just got home. He attributes it to new catering jobs. But I realize it's probably his abilities at this point. Our younger son is in his early twenties and could help out. But hubby still feels he can do it alone. How can I word it so it's easier for hubby?

 

[Butterfly]

Knowing men, he's probably not going to hear it whatever you say. That whole pride thing about bringing home the bacon is very strong in most men and sometimes they see anything you see about taking it easy, slowing down, etc., as impugning their masculinity and the breadwinner thing is a big part of that.

When my husband was disabled and unable (REALLY unable) to work at all, he went completely off the deep end, and there wasn't anything anyone could say (including his doctors) that could stop that spiral. He was retired military and a prison guard and all kinds of hyper-macho stuff, and he just couldn't handle it.

I don't mean to be grim, but that was my experience. The more I tried to help, the worse it got. So my advice is tread softly. I'm sure he realizes his health is failing, and I'm sure he knows you know, but he probably doesn't want to hear it.

 

[Phoenix]

That's a bummer, Butterfly. Is your husband deceased now?

Fur, when my uncle had Parkinson he was not emasculated when people said something. I think it's very individual. When he was still working, he said that he was a case in point for the Peter Principal...which is why he retired. But he had a strong feminine side. That might make a difference.

 

[SeaBreeze]

Fur, I don't know much about Parkinsons, but I think if he can safely do his job he should be able to work it as long as he can. I'm sure he gets a lot of satisfaction at doing it even if he's stressed from it, he must be skilled/talented to do what he does.

The day may come when he is let go and that will be devastating for him to deal with, no sense in upsetting him before that happens. It will destroy his self-esteem IMO. In a perfect world he'd be able to work there until he's ready to move on and quit.

Butterfly seems to have sound advice about treading softly. My heart goes out to both of you.

 

[fureverywhere]

Thank you for the kind support folks. I think you're right that working is actually helping him. I just wish he was a reader. I've made myself read about the disease. But I feel bad when he gets befuddled by some symptom or another. Like in the supermarket he'll drop something, lifting things is really hard for him now. We've always done the shopping together. Now I try to let him keep some pride, so I buzz around doing the bagging and then get it loaded in the car. I've learned to do it so quick I'm just closing the trunk as he gets out of the store.

 

[Phoenix]

Maybe he has a hard time focusing when he reads. Or maybe sometimes the words don't flow together right, like someone who is dyslexic.

 

[fureverywhere]

I think it's a combination of he's always been a TV addict and even with cheaters he can barely see anymore. I can find humor in that sometimes. He fights the fact he needs real glasses. One night we were ordering Chinese food. He feels tofu is some evil creature that he has never eaten. He was squinting at the menu and saw THE GENERAL'S...he didn't see it was a tofu dish. I had a chuckle telling him he almost ordered the dreaded tofu...

 

[AprilT]

Fur, sorry to read of such difficulties your hubby is struggling through, I do hope a solution comes soon to make things better for both of to so you don't have this serious worry to keep deeling with on top of so many others.

 

[Phoenix]

Fur, one of the things to keep in mind is, how you might feel if you were experiencing the losses he's experiencing. He's losing the functioning of his body. He's losing his independence. He's losing his ability to see clearly. He's losing all that made him, him. And he has no choice. He must feel incredibly trapped. Maybe he's trying to deny the worst of it because it's the only way he can cope. Age and disease robs us of things that we cannot afford to lose, but we have no choice. People always laugh at the elderly, for example, as we lose our hearing and are not sure what others have said. It's comical until it starts happening to us. It's gotta be so much worse for him. He's probably doing the best he can.