Helping adult children financially

Rose65 said:
I hear of it and see it everywhere, retired parents giving deposits for purchasing property or substantial sums for other reasons.

Also young couples expect to save on childcare as they build careers, by getting parents to do it. Often aging parents struggle with health problems but feel obliged to help with exhausting young children. Sacrificing their own retirement dreams.

I never took any money nor asked for practical help from my parents once I left home. Once I was over 21, married and decided to have my children, I felt very strongly it was my responsibility. That my parents deserved a peaceful retirement, they had done their part well. It is also my attitude now, in my turn.

So how much obligation do parents and grandparents here feel?
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I was happy to take care of my baby grandson while my oldest son worked. I happened to work nights, so I was available during the day, and it was only until the grandson was old enough for daycare. That's back when kids had to be at least 18mo-old and toilet trained to be in daycare, and most wouldn't take kids under 2.

I helped my kids with move-in costs when they rented, paid for my oldest son's plane tickets when he had to travel for work, bought my daughter and my youngest son their first cars, and helped all of them buy furniture.

But all that was when my kids were first starting out. Since then I've similarly helped 2 of my 8 grandkids as well. All 3 of my kids are well established now, and able to help their own kids. In fact, they are quite willing (indeed anxious) to help me if and when I ever need it.

(imo) As long as you are able to help your kids and grandkids, it is your obligation. However, if/when they have the financial resources to help themselves, then it's your obligation to insist they do so.
 

I have made sure to address things that I felt I was responsible for. He went to college at a good school. I paid tuition and books, he lived at home. He did/does not have to worry about student loans.

He pretty much lived here until he was married. They were for another year after the wedding. His girlfriend and her son were also welcomed in to the household. They lived with me for a few years to save money for their wedding and a house.

I have paid for things on occasion that were important. Son has a medical condition that requires his esophagus to be stretched every 7 to 10 years. He was without health insurance for a short while. My present one year for Christmas was him going to have this procedure.

I will step up if the need is important They have been in their home for about 3 years and been doing fine. They never ask for anything but I am guilty of buying things on sale that they can use. Mostly groceries, meats and things for the grandson.
 
I can understand the reluctance from some people but IF one is brought up in a loving happy family then I find it odd to not continue along this path.

I was fortunate in this respect and have continued to help my off-spring within my ability to do so.
 

My dad was very tight with a buck. One time after I moved out I needed a loan for something or another, can't remember now. He lent me the money, charged me the interest he lost at the bank for taking the money out, and kept detailed records of my payments. It sounds horrible, but it really taught me financial responsibility and how to budget. I think that was his plan all along.

I won't lend any money to my daughter though. She always makes it sound like she's on the brink of destitution, but she seems to have enough money for new landscaping, a new oven, trips all over the place, etc. I'd be afraid if I lent her money she'd be buying a plane ticket to Italy instead of paying her mortgage.
 
DH & I love watching our baby grandson two days a week! It helps our son & DIL, but more importantly we get to have that time with this precious baby. We take our older grandchildren every chance we get. They're now 11 & 8, meaning their lives are becoming busier, but we still have close relationships with them. Our children don't expect this, we offer it freely and often.

Our children came up with their own home deposits, though we've gifted them money now and then. Why wouldn't we?

If there's a better way to spend some of our time and money than by hanging with our children and grandchildren and being generous with them, I sure as heck can't bring it to mind. We are their soft place to land if ever life takes a terrible turn, just as DH & I knew we'd never be out on the street as long as our parents had a place to live. When there's heart room there's always house room.

As with @Murrmurr's, our children and children in law are eager and willing to help us. As are our two older grands.

Being kind, helpful and generous with one's children is not an insurance policy that they'll repay in kind should you become infirm and need their help, nor should it be intended that way.

On the other hand, NOT being helpful with their children, or pursuing expensive retirement dreams (travel, second homes, relocating to resort areas, etc.) when they're struggling with mortgage payments and childcare solutions? Let's just say their sympathy and willingness to be there for you might be just as limited as yours was for them.
 
I understand helping out grown adult kids in a crisis but just giving them money and them using it to buy oh say drugs, alcohol, trips etc is not teaching them financial responsibility unless your leaving them an endless flow of money after you die.What happens after you die and they blow the money(I have seen this time and time again) they have no education, no job skills, nothing mama and daddy left them and no one to turn too then what?

I am not heartless I am a kind person that is capable of problem solving when it counts and yes I stand on my own to feet even if I have to do without, my siblings are not responsible for me or any of my bad choices I may make I am.

I am grateful for the lessons I was taught and I try and live by them and be as independent as I can. Both myself and my husband have had our physical struggles that God gave us but that is no excuse to take from our elderly parents when they were alive, it is just my opinion we all have one.
 
perplexed said:
but just giving them money and them using it to buy oh say drugs, alcohol, trips etc
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Those are not issues with my children. They are responsible adults. All have bachelors' degrees (at a minimum), good jobs and excellent job skills. That doesn't mean they won't need a hand now and then, particularly with their children. Baby care is $400/week (and up) in the US.
 
I don’t know. I never had a wife or children and other than a few friends asking for a few bucks for a few days, I have never been been asked for hundreds or thousands of dollars, but I was asked to watch a 12 year old for a week for an hour each day after he got off the bus and his dad picked him up. I kind of enjoyed doing that. At the end of the week, his dad offered me a $20 bill, but I refused it. His dad made me promise not to tell him any war stories. He said he didn’t want to be up all night.

I guess it’s up to each of us to make that decision for ourselves. Being in the military for 30 years and taught to improvise, adapt and overcome, I’d probably refuse to help, but being that it’s family and my grandparents taught me that we take care of our own maybe I would. I only know of one time my Gramps helped my aunt (his daughter) by loaning her what must have been a lot of money, I think. He kept a record each time she would give him some of the money back. I don’t know how much.
 

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