Her anger might affect her health.
- Thread starter GP44
- Start date
Thank you! For all of the advice and wanting to help. Part of my problem is that she isn’t so bad off yet that she needs constant care but more understanding of how to deal with the problem when it arises.
So easy to get defensive when someone is critical of things you say and do.
I really appreciate everything and am sorry for what you have been through.
I am hoping that I will learn more about how to handle her anger issues so that she will have less stress from now on.
I don’t think that she is in a very advanced stage because she is able to function normally most of the time and actually takes care of most of the things in our daily lives like Dr. visits paying bills and arranging a lot of things.
We do have generally happy lives together.
Thanks Again!
CallMeKate
Well-known Member
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic US
Exactly... can you even imagine someone trying to say you have dementia every time you get upset at something?! Sometimes after decades of trying to deal with things and keep feelings (and anxiety) under wraps, we feel confident enough to finally speak our feelings, even if it comes out looking like anger to others.
@GP44 Think back about the earlier years. Has she changed her personality or just become less tolerant about things that concern or bother her? From reading all your post, it sounds to me like it is just an old age problem for both of you.
I have been married for 35 years to my second husband. He sounds a lot like your wife. Thinking back he was always that way, but just had a better way of communicating back then and a lot more patience. After he became disabled and can't do much, he became short and very impatient. To many he comes off rude and judgmental. It isn't a problem for me unless I allow it to be.
It sounds to me, you are like me, and would do anything for your partner and have in the past. It helped me to find ways each day to spend time alone. When I started doing more for myself, I found I could deal with his times of unpleasant disposition in a healthier way.
For a few years, after his injury and retirement, I had a problem with his seemingly more demanding and judgmental ways. It was after the doc had me attend a support group, that I saw the light. This group didn't offer advice, just as I won't offer any to you, it was about understanding his situation and how I react to it. It became clear to me I was in charge and couldn't let my emotions make a situation explosive, but rather defuse it.
Things are calm these days and will stay that way because I don't see his judgements as an insult, just him being disappointed in himself. Driving is something I avoid and recently have a granddaughter that drives us if we go any distance. She drove him to the big regional hospital when I was transported there by ambulance, recently. She made me laugh with her stories of how he picked at her for every move she made.
She was puzzled because one time she turned on her blinker too soon, he said and the next time, way late. I suggested that next time ask him to tell her when to put on the blinker. Something like, "Grandpa, I am going to pass that truck up there. Tell me when to turn on the blinker." That might get her point across without a fight.
You aren't alone my friend and you will find your way, as I did and do daily.
I have been married for 35 years to my second husband. He sounds a lot like your wife. Thinking back he was always that way, but just had a better way of communicating back then and a lot more patience. After he became disabled and can't do much, he became short and very impatient. To many he comes off rude and judgmental. It isn't a problem for me unless I allow it to be.
It sounds to me, you are like me, and would do anything for your partner and have in the past. It helped me to find ways each day to spend time alone. When I started doing more for myself, I found I could deal with his times of unpleasant disposition in a healthier way.
For a few years, after his injury and retirement, I had a problem with his seemingly more demanding and judgmental ways. It was after the doc had me attend a support group, that I saw the light. This group didn't offer advice, just as I won't offer any to you, it was about understanding his situation and how I react to it. It became clear to me I was in charge and couldn't let my emotions make a situation explosive, but rather defuse it.
Things are calm these days and will stay that way because I don't see his judgements as an insult, just him being disappointed in himself. Driving is something I avoid and recently have a granddaughter that drives us if we go any distance. She drove him to the big regional hospital when I was transported there by ambulance, recently. She made me laugh with her stories of how he picked at her for every move she made.
She was puzzled because one time she turned on her blinker too soon, he said and the next time, way late. I suggested that next time ask him to tell her when to put on the blinker. Something like, "Grandpa, I am going to pass that truck up there. Tell me when to turn on the blinker." That might get her point across without a fight.
You aren't alone my friend and you will find your way, as I did and do daily.
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It’s not just the anger issues like I said she was standing near the second row seat door with things in her hands like she was confused and I said “just throw those things in anywhere.” Thinking she would open the door and lay things on the seat but instead she followed me to the back compartment and said that I told her that she had to lay her things in there.
Not realizing what was going on I argued that I said just throw it in anywhere.
I didn’t realized that she had been in a confused state and that was why she didn’t just open the door and lay her things inside.
But I know that now and I will be a lot more understanding from now on.
I know that a little incident like that wasn’t the end of the world but it shows how important it was to her in her mind.
Like she was trying to figure out what she was supposed to be doing but she was confused.
CallMeKate
Well-known Member
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic US
I'll say this one thing yet, and then just give my good wishes for you and your bride to find out what's happening.... but when you said this, it reminded me very strongly of the kind of things that had happened to a beloved aunt and uncle. So let me just ask... has she had her hearing checked? Yeah, sounds simplistic, but "throw those things anywhere" and "throw those things in there".... well, ya know? Turns out my Uncle Ken needed a hearing aid and was fine otherwise. He knew his hearing was failing, made him angry and he lashed out, but too stubborn to come clean about having the loss. Food for thought? I'll zip it now... but I've seen the hearing thing happen.
That seems very opinionated and looks like you are jumping to conclusions without reading all about what the issue is.
It’s not just about anger it is that she is showing signs of confusion along with it.
When somebody keeps telling you take you said this or did that when you didn’t then you can assume one of twin things either they are angry and wanting to argue or they have some kind of other problem.
For a long time I thought she just liked to start arguments.
But I know that it is more than that and like I said the only reason why I even mentioned this on here was because I think that the stress might be affecting her health.
I don’t have to defend myself because I am only trying to find out how to help reduce her stress and maybe help her get over a problem.
Maybe by my learning how to handle unwarranted criticism it will reduce her stress. Whether she has any dementia or not.
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Thanks but she hears like a hawk.
I’m the one who only hears the lower tones after working in a loud factory for forty years.
I agree, and her being angry doesn't have to have any kind of physical or mental health cause. She could be plumb fed up and unhappy with her life, or GP44, or for ever being born, anger can easily be a sympton of frustration and resentment.
She is confused at times and that leads to anger. Call it whatever anyone wants, but according to my doc it is early stage dementia in my husband. There is no one on here that can give you advice on how to deal with her, because most don't read all your post and too many are anxious to respond with their expertise. Also no one has the expertise to diagnose her on a forum, even if they were a medical professional in the past.
I hope my story helped you. I find replies from those with current personal experience, in a similar situation, the most helpful. How you can help reduce her stress, is something that a medical professional could help with if they had seen her in person. Folks on here can make wild guesses, but that is all they are.
Yes! But one little bit of advice from someone who has been there can mean a lot to me. I don’t know if you could tell how lost I was for answers when I started this post. I think it had run its course now.
Thank You!
Yesterday she could hardly get out of her chair and we think it is a side effect of the additional BP med that she just started taking.
Our younger son called and told us about the fun he had with his wife and new puppy over the holiday weekend and the wife mentioned that the meds were making her drowsy all of the time.
Our son suggested that she take it at night before she goes to bed. That made sense to all of us.
She got up this morning and was a different person. Instead of sitting in her chair and dozing off all day she got around and even went out back and painted the landing and steps. Something she has been wanting to do.
She hasn’t said a mean word in two days.
I planned on doing things today but woke up with sinus problems and had to take a nap. I feel a little better now but will wait until tomorrow now to do those things.
Just showing that our lives aren’t hell all of the time but am dreading the next time we go anywhere where we take the car because I know that something about going to town in the car triggers her.
I call driving to the bigger town 20 miles away as going to town.
The village we live in is dinky.
I wanted to post this to show that we do enjoy life most of the time and that I am not just saying that she has anger issues to belittle her.
It’s more like a shock when she gets so angry that it’s like an explosion happening that you don’t expect.
I think I am learning and maybe by knowing how to defuse things when she gets angry we will both be better off.
I know I was doing the wrong things by being caught up in an argument instead of defusing it.
I know this was a long post but wanted to show you what it is like.
Our younger son called and told us about the fun he had with his wife and new puppy over the holiday weekend and the wife mentioned that the meds were making her drowsy all of the time.
Our son suggested that she take it at night before she goes to bed. That made sense to all of us.
She got up this morning and was a different person. Instead of sitting in her chair and dozing off all day she got around and even went out back and painted the landing and steps. Something she has been wanting to do.
She hasn’t said a mean word in two days.
I planned on doing things today but woke up with sinus problems and had to take a nap. I feel a little better now but will wait until tomorrow now to do those things.
Just showing that our lives aren’t hell all of the time but am dreading the next time we go anywhere where we take the car because I know that something about going to town in the car triggers her.
I call driving to the bigger town 20 miles away as going to town.
The village we live in is dinky.
I wanted to post this to show that we do enjoy life most of the time and that I am not just saying that she has anger issues to belittle her.
It’s more like a shock when she gets so angry that it’s like an explosion happening that you don’t expect.
I think I am learning and maybe by knowing how to defuse things when she gets angry we will both be better off.
I know I was doing the wrong things by being caught up in an argument instead of defusing it.
I know this was a long post but wanted to show you what it is like.