How do you react to unwanted gifts / gestures

J

Jeni

Senior Member
I remember growing up my grandmother (more so) and mother always seemed to encourage thanking people for anything and everything and being polite at all costs.

Now i no longer feel the need to placate others and i think there should be a middle option.

A couple of weeks ago a friend....... who watches Food shows all the time even though he is TOO picky to make MOST recipes they show ... saw a salad recipe that had pickled beets in it...asked me if i had them before ( he never has) or liked them
I said " yes had them before used to like them .. never buy them since i am only one in house who will eat it"
i was out of town for a week and bam upon return
he brought over two jars of pickled beets he bought after reading reviews and expected me, I guess to gush all over about it..... I do NOT want them ..
He did this before with pickles worst tasting ones i ever had the misfortune to put in my mouth....

Did not ask for this and now feel like a heel for not making some grand thank you gesture...
this is an on going problem with this person and others giving me items i do not need or want ...
neighbor bring chocolates over even though she is well aware i cut out all sweets ...

I am getting frazzled ................. I want to be polite but I refuse to pretend and take items I have ZERO interest in anymore.
Any suggestions on handling these unwanted items ...

Fake thanking and giving items away has not worked they just INSIST on bring more crap over
 

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For the pickled beets.
Return them & thank him for being thoughtful. Then explain you don't want them to be wasted since no one in your home will eat them.

For the chocolates
If none were eaten. The same thing [return them]but explain you can't eat chocolates.

Not easy to turn down nice gestures after the fact. But necessary for you to build your future comfort.

By doing what you need to do now any unwanted gifts/gestures in the future will be a lot easier to say thanks but no thanks. It's all in being sincere & not confrontational.
 
Thanks, is the polite.."thing to do"..'no gushing'.."you shouldn't have"..he may 'pick up on'

Then, if you're city/town/area has a "food pantry"..you could donate to.
(As long as not expired date)
And it's convenient to get to.
Just an idea.🤗
 

Jace said:
Thanks, is the polite.."thing to do"..'no gushing'.."you shouldn't have"..he may 'pick up on'

Then, if you're city/town/area has a "food pantry"..you could donate to.
(As long as not expired date)
And it's convenient to get to.
Just an idea.🤗
Click to expand...
I guess my issue is when......... thanking and packing up to give away as I always done have in past .... it seems to encourage some to continue this process...
i do not need the extra errands to give these things away. in glass jars so food collection other then taking directly to food pantry do not want them cause they can break if not handled well.

I am bombarded by "how were they ... they were very highly rated on site and i just KNEW you would love them " who orders this type of thing? and who knows what is coming down the pike next .....

i am considering faked sudden onset allergies..................... and told people i cannot eat many item i do NOT want them to bring things over and yet i am looking at MORE items maybe i will just throw away.
 
Jeni said:
I remember growing up my grandmother (more so) and mother always seemed to encourage thanking people for anything and everything and being polite at all costs.
Click to expand...
I think your grandmother was right, I always thank people. However if it is not someone I want to encourage to give me more, or if I don't want to start a gift exchange I just keep the thanks to a minimum and do not reciprocate.

I end up regifting a lot of things. We live in an area that is probably 99% Mormon and often things are brought to us as a kind of giving to everyone in the Ward. We are the rare non Mormons. Mostly they give food, freshly baked bread and the like. Always thank them and if its something we want eat it, if not pass it on to someone who might eat it. They are nice people, and I don't want to offend, but kind of wish they would quit. Probably never will.
 
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Jeni said:
I guess my issue is when......... thanking and packing up to give away as I always done have in past .... it seems to encourage some to continue this process...
i do not need the extra errands to give these things away. in glass jars so food collection other then taking directly to food pantry do not want them cause they can break if not handled well.

I am bombarded by "how were they ... they were very highly rated on site and i just KNEW you would love them " who orders this type of thing? and who knows what is coming down the pike next .....

i am considering faked sudden onset allergies..................... and told people i cannot eat many item i do NOT want them to bring things over and yet i am looking at MORE items maybe i will just throw away.
Click to expand...
I prefer straight up honesty. Declining with an explanation that you are truthful about beats wasting whatever was given or attempted to be given.
 
Jeni said:
I remember growing up my grandmother (more so) and mother always seemed to encourage thanking people for anything and everything and being polite at all costs.

Now i no longer feel the need to placate others and i think there should be a middle option.

A couple of weeks ago a friend....... who watches Food shows all the time even though he is TOO picky to make MOST recipes they show ... saw a salad recipe that had pickled beets in it...asked me if i had them before ( he never has) or liked them
I said " yes had them before used to like them .. never buy them since i am only one in house who will eat it"
i was out of town for a week and bam upon return
he brought over two jars of pickled beets he bought after reading reviews and expected me, I guess to gush all over about it..... I do NOT want them ..
He did this before with pickles worst tasting ones i ever had the misfortune to put in my mouth....

Did not ask for this and now feel like a heel for not making some grand thank you gesture...
this is an on going problem with this person and others giving me items i do not need or want ...
neighbor bring chocolates over even though she is well aware i cut out all sweets ...

I am getting frazzled ................. I want to be polite but I refuse to pretend and take items I have ZERO interest in anymore.
Any suggestions on handling these unwanted items ...

Fake thanking and giving items away has not worked they just INSIST on bring more crap over
Click to expand...
A neighbor and a friend are binge dieters and bring me their high calorie, high fat, high sugar, high carbs rather regularly. Sometimes it is so much that I can't order the groceries that I want because of lack of space in cabinets, fridge, and freezer. I try to subtly pass stuff on to family in plain brown wrappers! Although, to be honest, I don't think they always welcome it either. I hate to waste food, but admittedly, some of it eventually makes its way to the trash after it has expired. But, I do just say "Thanks." When I was dirt poor, I was grateful for anything edible.
 
I guess that is the conudrum is they put thought into it .. they assume they did a grand gesture.. they bought these specifically for me .... i should feel thankful .........but i DON"T.

last time all i had just said "one restaurant has really good pickles" and i do not think many brands are very good ....
this person ordered a CASE of the most god awful pickles ever and expected me to be thrilled .....
had to choke them down when ever they were over etc
i just cannot be civil about this anymore........... these beets look horrible in the jar ..........brown in color ....
they bought off of Amazon (as they buy all sorts of junk off there).....
They said it had great reviews ......... but like most reviews i find completely off to my taste ...
just like the pickles that are mostly still in flowerbed off porch........ where i spit those horrid things out.
good news the juice on pickles killed all vegitation that was growing in sidewalk...
 
I'm really LOL'ing when I read this.
A friend has a brother who always gives her whatever he doesn't want, no longer needs, or is so old it doesn't work.
She always says "Thank you," then she shows me whatever the gift/trash was & complains that she wants to throw it away, but she's afraid he'll find out & feel insulted.
He has given her a big box of tea bags - expired many years ago, candy that's so old it's moldy & a cordless phone from when they first came out, complete with that 3-foot antenna & lots of sputtering when you walk around the house.
I always ask her: "Did he say, don't say I never give you anything?"
:ROFLMAO:
 
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It's not only "things" that are the problem.
I previously posted about my former piano teacher's husband who considered himself a master chef. He wanted me to try everything he cooked. I usually did & it was usually OK.
But one time, he insisted that I taste "Sweetbread." I said "Great; I love bread." I was 12 at the time & was imagining something like a homemade cinnamon roll.
But I noted that the kitchen didn't smell like bread; it smelled like something went bad.
When he opened the oven, I looked at it & said, "What the hell kind of bread it that?.....I'm not eatin' that."
He cursed at me in Romanian, while his wife laughed. :ROFLMAO:
 
Jeni said:
I am getting frazzled ................. I want to be polite but I refuse to pretend and take items I have ZERO interest in anymore.
Any suggestions on handling these unwanted items ...

Fake thanking and giving items away has not worked they just INSIST on bring more crap over
Click to expand...
Well, I certainly understand this and experience the same thing. But I don't know how to best handle it, so I'll be watching this thread. It's really awkward when you don't want stuff. My sister believes it's the thought that counts. I disagree. The thought counts much less than the unwanted gifts. If the thought counts, think about not giving people stuff they don't want. There's a thought!
 
JustDave said:
Well, I certainly understand this and experience the same thing. But I don't know how to best handle it, so I'll be watching this thread. It's really awkward when you don't want stuff. My sister believes it's the thought that counts. I disagree. The thought counts much less than the unwanted gifts. If the thought counts, think about not giving people stuff they don't want. There's a thought!
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MY DD thinks as you do... she's not interested in the thought behind it.. she just says NO!! The only time she doesn't say no, is if the gift comes from a work colleague or a boss, ..then she accepts it and throws it away.

I was always astounded at the things she throws away , simply because it's not something she has a use for... I even saw jewellery thrown away in her office waste basket !

She has no qualms either of saying no to even me.. it used to hurt if I bought her something, and she would say ''No thanks'' when I went to hand it over.. so now I never buy her anything..
 
It is a sin to refuse a gift of chocolate methinks. Home made food gifts do a disappearing act into the trash. But in either case a warm thank you is required, the giver did think of you and deserves that.

As for other gifts such as a stuffed mouse dressed in her Sunday best that I received last week ....... It will sit on the window sill for a bit until I wait to tell her that the cat ate the mouse.
 
Jeni said:
I remember growing up my grandmother (more so) and mother always seemed to encourage thanking people for anything and everything and being polite at all costs.

Now i no longer feel the need to placate others and i think there should be a middle option.
Click to expand...
I was brought up the same as you and agree with you there should be a middle option. In addition to unwanted gifts there is a trend these days for store clerks to ask unwanted questions about how you are doing, as though they are doing you a favor to ask. At my age and with my ailments, I am never doing well but I don't want to discuss this when shopping or banking. This trend has even spread to unseen bank tellers at bank drive-thrus blaring out from public speakers for all the world to hear. The only polite response I've come up with is to say "Why Do You Ask?". Then after listening to their explanation I just move on without comment.
 
One of the residents who used to live here, but has since passed away, had his girl friend come a few times a week to see him. She, for some reason glomed onto me and would chat with me for hours while he slept during their visit. I tried to be nice and attentive and listen to her medical woes, (she knew I was a nurse), but she took this to be a lasting friendship. She now sends me cards, all manner of gifts, and texts me regularly. I have asked her nicely not to do this and am rather abrupt in my responding texts, hoping she'll get the message. She wanted to come and visit with me and I bluntly told her no. I go out often with my own friends and family and have no intention of including her. She means well, I know, but she is too pushy for my tastes. I am not one of those, warm loving palsy walsy types at all. I keep even my closest friends at a comfortable distance from me. Oh well, it sometimes just doesn't register with some people.
 
Tabby Ann said:
I was brought up the same as you and agree with you there should be a middle option. In addition to unwanted gifts there is a trend these days for store clerks to ask unwanted questions about how you are doing, as though they are doing you a favor to ask. At my age and with my ailments, I am never doing well but I don't want to discuss this when shopping or banking. This trend has even spread to unseen bank tellers at bank drive-thrus blaring out from public speakers for all the world to hear. The only polite response I've come up with is to say "Why Do You Ask?". Then after listening to their explanation I just move on without comment.
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Oh I so agree. At the risk of sounding curmudgeonly , I absolutely get secretly irritated by these questions. I answer politely and pleasantly , but I don't want to be questioned about my purchases..''oooh this is nice, never seen this before''.. or as has happened many times, when I've bought a newspaper or magazine, the cashier reading the headline and making a comment... Nor do I really want to engage in conversation about the weather, the state of the country, the price of flowers.. my health or.. their private business either, which many seem to be willing to share.

By the time I packed my bag ( we pack our own bags in the UK) a teller just recently, told me that she'd got a sister who was mentally unhinged, that she'd been burgled, that she loved the colour yellow... well.. I'm sorry but I do not Care !!
 
To me, it's the thought that counts. If I were in your pickle over pickles, I'd have returned all but two jars with a smile, a thank-you, and a light-hearted comment that while you do occasionally enjoy pickles, you'd never finish that many of them before they hit their expiration.

The chocolates are easy. If a neighbor brought over food I can't eat I'd just hand it back saying, "It's so kind of you to think of me but I stopped eating XYZ a number of years ago."

Regarding the beets, I'd open a jar and taste them. What the heck - they might be delicious. If not, no harm done, just toss them. When your friend inquires you can honestly say that as you'd mentioned you hadn't eaten beets in years. Turns out your tastebuds must have changed during that time.

You can also have a talk with your friend saying that while you appreciate his gestures, you'd really prefer that he doesn't buy food, groceries or other little gifts for you anymore - his friendship is gift enough.
 
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Tabby Ann said:
I was brought up the same as you and agree with you there should be a middle option. In addition to unwanted gifts there is a trend these days for store clerks to ask unwanted questions about how you are doing, as though they are doing you a favor to ask. At my age and with my ailments, I am never doing well but I don't want to discuss this when shopping or banking. This trend has even spread to unseen bank tellers at bank drive-thrus blaring out from public speakers for all the world to hear. The only polite response I've come up with is to say "Why Do You Ask?". Then after listening to their explanation I just move on without comment.
Click to expand...
How about responding, "I don't complain as long as I'm vertical."
 
Jeni said:
I guess my issue is when......... thanking and packing up to give away as I always done have in past .... it seems to encourage some to continue this process...
i do not need the extra errands to give these things away. in glass jars so food collection other then taking directly to food pantry do not want them cause they can break if not handled well.

I am bombarded by "how were they ... they were very highly rated on site and i just KNEW you would love them " who orders this type of thing? and who knows what is coming down the pike next .....

i am considering faked sudden onset allergies..................... and told people i cannot eat many item i do NOT want them to bring things over and yet i am looking at MORE items maybe i will just throw away.
Click to expand...
Re the phrase i made bold: No need to do that. Just say as pleasantly, but firmly as you can muster that you appreciate them thinking of you but you can't use whatever. With food "This is not part of my nutritional plans." With any other items--- "I've been trying to declutter and downsize."
 
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